


Let Me Love You

by mandzilkos



Series: LMLY/SLY [1]
Category: Football RPF
Genre: Car Accidents, F/M, First Kiss, First Love, Fluff, Originally Posted on Tumblr, POV Alternating, POV First Person, Real Madrid CF, Temporary Amnesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2015-06-18
Packaged: 2018-04-01 04:11:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 98,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4005436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mandzilkos/pseuds/mandzilkos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I may have forgotten, but my heart will always remember.</p><p>People change, life goes on, but memories will never fade - especially those of a sweet, young love. Gabriele and Toni share a special bond, one that can never be broken…or so they thought. Will unforeseen circumstances ultimately abolish all the memories they held so dear, and will things ever return to the way they were?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Boy Next Door

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was originally posted on my tumblr (debushy) and now that I've been using ao3 more I've decided to post it here as well, although I really don't know shit about posting here so please be patient I'm so sorry. Please feel free to let me know what you think!

“Gabi!” my mum called from downstairs. “Gabi, why don’t you go say hi to our new neighbours?”

I didn’t answer her. I was too busy looking out my window at those very neighbours, moving their things from the van into their house. Two boys, both blonde and lanky, and their parents. I stuck my head against the glass, trying to get a closer look.

“GABRIELE!” my mum suddenly appeared behind me, making me jump and hit my elbow against the wall.

“Mum!” I exclaimed, rubbing my elbow. “Don’t creep up on me like that.”

“Don’t creep on our neighbours like that.”

“I just want to see how they look like!”

“Why don’t you go over then?” she asked, handing me a plate of cookies. “Give them this and say it’s from us.”

“They’re busy,” I said, picking up a cookie and stuffing it in my mouth before she could stop me. “Put them here and I’ll bring them over later.”

She shook her head at me and took the plate back downstairs. “No excuses, missy. Just come and bring them over in 10 minutes or so.”

I sighed and continued looking out the window until they all went back inside and the street went quiet. The house across the road had gone up for sale a short while ago, and I wasn’t really close to the people who used to live there, especially since they were just a normal, childless middle-aged couple. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea for me to interact with the new owners.

I went downstairs anyway, and took the plate of cookies that were meant for them. It wouldn’t hurt to make some new friends, especially since our street was full of old people.

I crossed the road and stood at their door, not sure what to do. After a few moments, I reached out for the doorbell, but before I could press the button, the door suddenly opened.

“Whoa,” the blonde-haired figure said as he nearly crashed into me. “Um, hey there.”

“Um…hi,” I said, suddenly embarrassed. “My family lives opposite. These are from my mum.” I handed the plate of cookies to him.

A big smile crept across his face. “Thanks,” he said, taking the plate, and then we just stood there silently, not sure what to do or what to say. “Would you like to come in?” he said after a while. “It’s a little messy, but I’m sure my family would like to meet you.”

“Yeah…okay.”

He started leading me through to the living room, but halfway through, he stopped and turned to look at me. “I forgot to introduce myself,” he laughed. “I’m Toni.”

I started laughing as I realised I’d also forgotten to introduce myself. “I’m Gabriele.”

“Felix,” he called as another blonde-haired figure scuttered past us. “Felix, this is Gabriele. She lives opposite. This is Felix, my brother.”

“Hi,” Felix said, attempting to shake my hand but realising he was carrying a huge box. “Um, I’ll shake your hand later,” he said, before running upstairs with his box.

Toni and I sat on two free chairs in the living room with the plate of cookies in between us, awkwardness lingering in the air as we just stared down at the ground. It seemed like an eternity had passed before Felix and his parents appeared in front of us.

“Hi again,” Felix said, sticking out his hand. I grabbed it and shook it. “Nice to meet you, Gabriele.”

“Gabi,” I said. “Call me Gabi.”

“Hi, Gabi,” their mum said. “It’s really nice of you to come over.”

“It’s alright, Mrs…um…”

“Kroos,” she said.

“Mr. and Mrs. Kroos,” I smiled at them awkwardly, but they didn’t seem to care. They beamed back at me before leaving to deal with more boxes.

I looked at Toni, then at Felix. “Are you guys twins?”

They looked at each other and laughed. “We get that a lot,” they said at the exact same time, and then they looked at each other and laughed again. “He’s my younger brother,” Toni finally said.

“Oh,” I said. “I have an older sister Amelie. She’s out with her boyfriend.”

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Felix asked, and Toni elbowed him in the ribs.

“No…” I said, embarrassed. “No, I don’t.”

“Okay, okay, that’s enough,” Toni said as Felix nudged him on the shoulder. He grabbed Felix and pushed him upstairs. “You gotta go unpack!”

“ME?” Felix said incredulously. “But I’m not even moving in!”

“Shhhhh,” Toni said, and I heard a door close before he came back downstairs. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay,” I laughed softly. “Um…I guess I’ll be going.”

“Okay,” he said. “Maybe I’ll pop by later. I mean, if you don’t mind.”

“Yeah, of course I don’t,” I smiled at him. “See you later, Toni. Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too, Gabi.”


	2. Meet and Greet

Gabi’s POV

I was lying on my bed reading a book when my door creaked open and my mum’s face peeked in from behind it. “Gabi, there’s someone here to see you,” she said, before walking away and leaving the door open a crack.

I rolled off my bed and dragged my feet downstairs, wondering who it was. It was only until I saw the lock of sandy blonde hair that I remembered Toni saying he’d come over.

“Hey,” he grinned. “Your mum let me in.”

I smiled, and then looked behind me at the kitchen, where my mum was peeking at us from behind the door with a cheeky look on her face. I rolled my eyes at her before turning back to face Toni. “Do you wanna go out for a walk?” I asked. “I can show you around.”

He nodded, so I grabbed him by the arm and took him outside. The last thing I saw before the door closed was my mum waggling her eyebrows at me from the kitchen, so I rolled my eyes at her again.

Toni’s POV

“Where are you from?” Gabi asked as we walked along the street, the sun hanging low as dusk arrived.

“I was born in Greifswald,” I told her. “But I’ve lived in Rostock since I was twelve.”

She smiled. “That’s nice. I’ve lived here all my life.”

“I only moved here so I can do what I love,” I told her.

“What you love?” she asked, confused, before her eyes widened. “Are you working? Oh, my God, are you older than you look?”

I laughed as her confusion deepened. “Not exactly,” I said. “I play football. I’m only sixteen, in case you’re wondering.”

“I’m sixteen this year, too,” she said. “You play football? Don’t you have to go to school?”

Her eyes were practically glowing with curiosity, so I told her my entire story. I’d started playing for a local club since I was seven, and then I moved to Rostock to play for Hansa Rostock’s youth team. When one of Germany’s biggest clubs, Bayern Munich, wanted me in their youth team as well, I just could not resist the offer. I only planned to scrape through school, just like I always did back in the North. My focus was on football.

“Bayern?” she shook her head in disbelief. “Oh, my God. Bayern.”

“Yeah,” I said softly. “It’s a great honour.”

“Is your family moving in with you?” she asked. “Felix and your parents?”

“Felix still plays for Rostock,” I said. “My dad works there, so they’re just staying until the end of summer and then they’re moving back. My mum…I guess she’s staying with me for a while until I settle in.”

“Felix plays football too?” she asked, and then she looked down, blushing. “Sorry, maybe I’m asking too many questions.”

“It’s okay, you aren’t,” I laughed. “What about you? Which school do you go to?”

She told me everything about herself, including how she wasn’t really interested in doing well for school, just good enough for her to study journalism in university. She loved reading and writing, but she wasn’t really interested in the other subjects. However, her sister Amelie was an honour roll student, managing to do well in all her subjects even though she didn’t study much, and loved going out all the time. Neither of them attended the same school as me.

“Maybe I’ll be a sports journalist one day,” she laughed. “Then I can do an interview with you, when you’re famous.”

“ _If_ I’m famous.”

“ _When_ ,” she insisted. “When you’re famous, I’ll do an interview with you and all your famous teammates.”

I punched her lightly on the shoulder. “Thanks, Gabi.”

“Are you one of those guys who thinks girls shouldn’t watch football?”

“What?” I asked. “No! Anyone can watch football for whatever reasons they have.”

“Okay, phew,” she said. “Because I really like to watch football.”

“Really? Who do you support?”

She stopped and stared at me. “Bayern…?” she said, and then her mouth dropped in fake disbelief. “DUUUUUUH, TONI.”

“Okay, okay,” I laughed. “Do you play?”

“A little bit,” she said. “Maybe we could play together sometime.”

“Yeah, we should,” I replied, thinking of how lonely I’d be after my family left. “Thanks, Gabi.”

“For what?”

“For being my first friend in Munich.”

“Awww, you’re so sentimental,” it was her turn to punch me on the shoulder. “I’m glad to be your friend.”

We walked a short distance further down the road, before turning and heading back home, joking and laughing throughout. Gabi was so open-minded about everything, which wasn’t unexpected given that she was an aspiring journalist, but it was so refreshing and peaceful to be with her, because she was always smiling, her uniquely coloured, piercing, aquamarine blue eyes always glowing. Even though I’d only known her for less than a day, I’d already taken a liking to her; to her cheerful, passionate and natural self.

Gabi’s POV

Amelie barged into my room as I was sprawling out on the bed on top of the sheets, just thinking about the day’s events.

“Mum said you went out with a boy today,” she pulled my arm and made me sit up. “Tell me all about it!”

I rolled my eyes. Amelie was two years older than me, but she was like a curious little child all the time. “Okay,” I told her. “But you can’t make a big deal about it.”

She nodded, so I told her everything about the friendly guys across the road, and about how I’d immediately hit it off with Toni, the older brother. I didn’t know if I should tell her about him being a footballer, but I couldn’t keep it in any longer when she asked, “Why did he move to Munich?”

“Ummmmmm…” I hesitated. “He…he’s a footballer. Amelie, don’t make a big deal out of it, please.”

“Oh,” she whispered, a dreamy look taking over her face, even though she didn’t watch football. “That’s nice.” She stood up and walked over to my window, looking across at their house just as I was doing earlier that afternoon. “Does he look good?”

“Amelie!”

“Okay, okay,” she raised her hands and returned to sit beside me on the bed. “I have a boyfriend, anyway. And your Toni is too young for me.”

“I’m glad,” I muttered, thinking she couldn’t hear me, but she could.

She laughed, flopping down backwards on the bed. “I see you’re getting defensive already.”

“No!” I smacked her in the face with a pillow. “I only met him today. I just don’t want you to tell everybody about who he is and whatever, because I don’t really know him and I don’t want him to get the wrong idea.”

“Yeah, I got it,” she stood up and walked out of my room. “Don’t worry, Gabi.”

As annoying as my older sister was, I knew I could trust her, because she was also my best friend, and she never let me down, not even once.

Just as I was preparing for bed, I received a text. It was from Toni, to whom I’d given my number earlier.

“Park at 3pm tomorrow?” it said. “I’ll bring a ball.”

“Okay, see you,” I texted back.

“Good night, Gabriele,” he replied, with a smiley face.

“Good night, Toni.”


	3. Faith and a Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song accompanying this chapter is Hot Air Balloon by Owl City.

Gabi’s POV

I sat on the grass patiently, waiting for Toni to appear with his ball, and maybe with Felix, because I didn’t know if he’d invited him along. I stood up when I saw a figure walking towards me from the distance, bouncing a ball.

“Hey,” Toni’s grinning face emerged from the shade. He threw the ball at me, and I caught it against my chest before kicking it back to him. “Not bad,” he said.

I laughed. “Where’s Felix?”

He stared at me, astonished. “Did you want him to come?”

“No, no, I…I just thought you two usually played together, or something.”

“Oh, yeah we do,” he said, turning his gaze to the ground. “But today…you know, I asked you here, and…yeah.”

There was a short period of awkward silence as we both tried to figure out what he was trying to say, so I decided to move things along. I stuck out my leg and pulled the ball towards me, dribbling it away from him. “Catch me,” I laughed.

“Catch you?” he laughed and started chasing me. “I’ll do more than catch you, Gabi.”

“You sure about that?” I swerved to the side, avoiding him, and then turned around and accidentally nutmegged him.

I ran a short distance more before I turned around, only to find him just standing still and staring at me. “That was good,” he said, panting slightly.

“It was an accident,” I giggled and kicked the ball restlessly at my feet. But before I could do anything more, he suddenly ran up in front of me and snatched the ball away with his feet, turning and stopping only for a split second before he gave the ball a flick, lobbing it directly into a dustbin sitting a few metres away.

I felt my jaw drop, but I had no control over it. “How did you do that?” I whispered.

“Practice,” he shrugged. I just stood there and stared at him as he went over to retrieve the ball and ran back to me. “Why are you staring at me like that?”

“Because…you just…did that.”

He laughed and threw the ball at my feet. “Try it,” he said.

So I did. I tried to lob the ball just as he did, but no matter how hard I tried, it’d either fall too short or land too far. After a while, I got tired of running to collect the ball and just plopped down on the ground in resignation.

He grabbed the ball and sat down beside me. “Tired?”

“I still don’t understand how you did that.”

“Practice,” he repeated. “You’ll do it one day, I’m sure.”

“I hope you score lots of goals like that,” I told him. “You’re…a midfielder, right?”

“Yeah, I am,” he said. “And thanks, Gabi.”

We sat there silently for a long while, just throwing the ball to each other without saying a word. Suddenly, he heaved a long, slow sigh.

“What’s wrong?” I asked him.

“I’m nervous.”

“About the new season?” I asked, and he nodded. The new season was starting in a couple of weeks. “Don’t worry, Toni. I’m sure you’ll do great.”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I’m really happy that I can play for this club, but…it’s a huge club with huge expectations. What if I’m not up to it?”

“You know, I’ve only known you for like, two days,” I said. “But I already know you’re gonna make it big someday.”

“Really?” he asked, turning to look at me, hope in his deep blue eyes. “You really think so?”

“I do,” I told him. “And when your mum leaves, and you feel all alone, remember me, okay? Remember that I live just across the road and you can come find me anytime you want.”

He smiled and gave my shoulder a squeeze. “Thank you, Gabi. I’m sure you’ll be a very successful journalist someday, too. And when you do, don’t forget me, okay?”

“Okay,” I laughed. “When you become a great footballer, don’t forget me either.”

He laughed and lay back on the grass, so I leaned back as well, the both of us just lying there and talking about our lives, watching as the sky slowly turned from blue to orange, then red, purple, and finally black.

——

I decided not to tell anyone at school about Toni, because it wouldn’t be nice to either of us if rumours started being spread around. Even my closest friends didn’t know much about him, except that I had a new neighbour with whom I hung out almost every day. I lived quite far from school, which made me quite far from all my friends, and so they didn’t visit often.

“Tell us about your mysterious neighbour,” Elisa nudged me. “You never tell us anything nowadays.”

“Yeah, Gabi,” Bertha chimed in. “Tell us about him.”

“Umm…” I hesitated, not sure what to say. “He’s not from our school, and he’s a sports person. And he’s…really shy, so I probably shouldn’t tell you anything more.” Of course, he wasn’t shy.

“That really helped, Gabi,” Bertha said sarcastically. “Now I know so much more about him.”

Elisa laughed. “Leave her alone,” she said. “If she doesn’t want to say anything more, then we shouldn’t pry.” She turned and looked at me. “Dinner? Or are you dining with your mysterious new boy?”

“Well…”

“Okay, you’re dining with your mysterious new boy,” Elisa concluded, hooking her arm in Bertha’s and dragging her away. “Let’s go, Bert.”

Bertha turned around and stared at me in mock sternness, pointing to her eyes and then at me. “I’ll be watching,” she mouthed, and I rolled my eyes at her.

I went back home for dinner with my family, who had casually invited Toni over. Ever since his family moved back to Rostock, he’d been all alone in that huge house, and he occasionally had some of his teammates over, but usually he was home on his own. He’d come over to visit sometimes, and we’d just sit in my room and talk about our days, but he couldn’t stay for long without incurring the suspicious gazes of my parents or Amelie.

I didn’t know what was up with them, or with Elisa and Bertha. Was it wrong for me to have a guy best friend? Toni was great, and I loved being his friend. I didn’t tell Elisa and Bertha about him being a footballer, because then they’d say things like ‘you’re only interested in him because he’s rich,’ and stuff like that.

“Toni,” I said as he bounced up and down on my bed. “Do your friends at school know you play for Bayern?”

“Yeah, some of them do. They’re all really cool about it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, why?”

“It’s just…I didn’t know if I was supposed to tell my friends about you,” I admitted.

He looked at me, at the guilty look on my face, and laughed. “Why not? I don’t mind.”

“What if they…you know, said things about me? About us?”

“Aw, Gabi,” he walked over and sat beside me. “It’s up to you. You can tell them if you want, but if you don’t want to, then don’t.”

“I won’t tell them,” I said, patting him on the back. “You’ll be my little secret.”

He laughed, a sweet-sounding laugh. “I’m honoured.”

I didn’t know what made him want to be friends with me. I was just a normal girl, with normal hair and normal clothes. I was sure there were many other people, much cooler people that he could hang out with, but all he did was come over every day and sit beside me as I did my work.

It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate it – in fact, I felt a strange sense of security whenever he was by my side. I would say that I’d gotten used to him being around over the past few months that I’d known him, but I knew it was something more than that. I just wanted him around every second of every day.

I could tell him anything, I could trust him with anything at all, and he’d always be there to share my worries or my joy. And I was happy that he could also trust me with his problems. He made me feel so comfortable even without trying. And without knowing.

I cared for Toni more than I ever thought I would. We’d clicked so well, became best friends so quickly that I never even thought of analysing my feelings towards him. And now, it just made me confused.

I looked over at him as he started to bounce on the bed again, shaking me up and down along with him. He was such a mature guy, but deep inside he was just like an innocent little child. The way he smiled, the way he laughed at my stupid jokes, and the way he always said silly things to cheer me up – it all made me so warm inside.

“Thanks for being my friend,” I blurted out, and then looked down in embarrassment.

“Stop it, Gabi,” he laughed again. “I like being your friend.”

Toni’s POV

“I don’t get it,” Gabi said. “I don’t get why.”

Why am I friends with you, Gabriele? Because you’re you. Because you put all your faith in me before I proved to you that I deserve even a little bit of it. And since the first day I met you, I knew it would be worth being friends with you, because you’re you. You’re Gabriele, the cheerful Gabriele who has never failed to make me laugh.

But I never said that out loud, because it sounded too mushy. “Don’t be so insecure, Gabi,” I said instead, nudging her gently. “I really like being your friend.”

“Me, too,” she said softly, her gaze still directed downwards. “Me too, Toni.”


	4. Sparks

Gabi’s POV

Over the next year, Toni and I didn’t hang out much during the day, because we went to different schools, and sometimes he was also busy with training. But he’d always hang out with me in the evenings, whether it was taking a walk down the street, kicking the ball around at the park, or just having dinner with my family.

We were best friends, although Toni always had this mysterious aura around him when we hung out – as if he always wanted to tell me something, but he didn’t know how to say it. Every time he went quiet, I’d just shrug and ignore it, because it could just be my imagination.

“How’s Toni?” Amelie asked as she plopped down on my bed in her pyjamas for another gossip session.

“How’s Toni?” I repeated. “Fine, why?”

“Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about!” she elbowed me in the stomach.

“What?” I said, rubbing it where it hurt. “We’re just friends. He’s my best friend.”

“Best friend, hm?” she said, suspicious. “Have you seen the way he looks at you?”

“Like how any other normal person looks at me?”

“He looks at you like you’re the most amazing person he’s ever seen!”

“Well, I  _am_  the most amazing person  _anyone_  has ever seen,” I said, catching sight of something moving around outside my window, before a lock of blonde hair appeared at the window ledge. Toni’s blonde hair. He was climbing up to my window again, like he’d been doing occasionally, to just sit with me and talk without alarming the rest of my family. Slowly, his face popped up, and a grin crept across his face when he saw Amelie sitting with her back towards the window.

Amelie continued talking. “Oh shut up, Gabriele. He likes you, trust me. Trust your big sister.”

I tuned her out, watching as Toni slowly, silently opened the window and popped into my room, just standing there quietly behind Amelie. I glanced at him occasionally as Amelie couldn’t shut her mouth, rolling my eyes at him when she was looking away, until she looked up once and saw me mouthing “she’s so annoying!” at him.

She turned around and jumped when she saw Toni there where there wasn’t supposed to be anybody, losing her balance and falling off the bed, landing on the floor.

“JESUS, TONI,” she yelled, still lying flat on the ground. “What the hell are you doing here?! Oh, my God, I could’ve died!”

“I came for my usual visit,” he said, and I glared at him. Busted.

“Usual visit?!” Amelie yelled again, sitting upright and staring at me. “Usual. Visit. What have you guys been up to? Crawling up pipes and through windows? And you say you’re only friends?”

“Amelie!” I stopped her before she could say any more. I grabbed her arms and dragged her out of my room while she was still sitting down on the ground and threatening to tell my parents. “Shut up, Amelie. He’s just here because he needs to tell me something. Shut up!” I pushed her into her room and pulled the door shut.

Toni’s POV

“Is she alright?” I asked as Gabi returned to the room and sat down beside me.

“Yeah, just ignore her,” she said. “What’s up?”

“I’m going to play for the senior team,” I told her. “I just signed the contract today.”

“Really?” she exclaimed. “That’s great, congrats!”

“Thank you,” I smiled at her. She was right. I could make it big. I’d already taken my first step.

She moved closer and put an arm around me. “I’m really proud of you.”

Without thinking, I turned and wrapped both my arms around her. Throughout the past year, she was always there for me, even when she was busy with her work. She never frowned, and never got angry with me whenever I threw stones at her window or just directly climbed in through it. She was so patient, it was as if nothing could ever throw her off.

I felt her tense up in between my arms, and then she relaxed, leaned her head against me, and smiled.

“Thank you,” I whispered into her long, ash brown hair. “Thank you so much, Gabi.”

“Don’t thank me,” she mumbled. “You’re my best friend.”

“You, too,” I told her. I wanted to keep my arms wound tightly around her for as long as I could, but after a few moments, I felt my heart picking up speed. I didn’t know why, but it had been happening the last few times I saw her, and the last few times we’d accidentally touched.

Before she could suspect anything, I pulled away, holding on to her shoulders. She stared at me, not sure what was going to happen next. I looked at her, at her calm, peaceful face, her blue eyes and her brown hair – the two things she’d always complained about because their colours didn’t match – and tucked a stray bunch of hair behind her ear.

She smiled at me, and I smiled back. I had the sudden urge to kiss her; to lean forward and kiss her lips, her face, her hair, anywhere. I just wanted to kiss her. But I knew she probably didn’t feel the same kissing vibe as I was feeling. After all, she’d just called me her best friend a few minutes ago. And best friends didn’t kiss, did they?

“Hey,” she whispered after a while. “You alright?”

I finally woke up from my daze, gave her shoulders a warm squeeze, and then stood up. “Good night, Gabriele,” I said as I climbed out the window.

“Good night,” she said, watching as I shimmied down the pipe and landed safely on my feet. She smiled, her head disappearing behind the window ledge. I stood and watched as her bedroom lights dimmed, and then went off. I crossed the road, sat on my front steps and stared at her pitch-black window for a long while, wondering what exactly it was that I felt towards her.

We were best friends, and I guessed I was happy with that. I was happy enough just being by her side, and I wasn’t going to be greedy. But I just couldn’t suppress the feeling rising within me. Every time I saw her, I just wanted to wrap my arms around her and hold her tightly, to protect her from any worries or troubles, to calm her down when she’s nervous or sad, to make sure she’s always happy, that she always gets the best.

Maybe it was for the best that we stayed this way. I knew that she didn’t want her friends to find out about us and spread false words about us. And I’d do anything for it to stay that way so that she wouldn’t be hurt.

Besides, Gabi was a really attractive girl, even if she didn’t believe it herself. I was sure that there were many guys in her school after her. Although Gabi never admitted it, Amelie always mentioned it discreetly during dinner. Who knew if I had a chance against any of them? I didn’t even attend the same school.

I’d wait forever for you, Gabriele. Even if I never get you, I’ll be by your side, waiting, doing whatever I can, as long as you’re happy. I know that we’re still young, we’re only seventeen, but as long as you live life just as you’re supposed to, and for as long as you live, you’ll always be my precious Gabriele Meiser. 


	5. Swing Your Worries Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song accompanying this chapter is Strawberry Swing by Coldplay.

Gabi’s POV

I was awoken by the slight but distinct sound of voices arguing, just like I had been for a few times the past few months. I got out of bed and opened my room door slightly, trying to listen just a bit.

It was my parents again, arguing about another of their small problems. They always made up after it, but I wish they wouldn’t quarrel in the middle of the night. It wasn’t really nice to wake up to your parents arguing in their room, thinking you can’t hear them.

The clock read 3 in the morning, so I crawled back into bed and tried to go back to sleep. But I couldn’t keep the muffled voices from reaching my ears through the walls and through the door, and I couldn’t keep my eyes or ears closed anymore when I heard the voices become louder and pass by my door as my parents brought their argument downstairs.

I got out of bed and went to my window. The lights on the opposite house were all turned off, given the time of the night. I looked down at the pipe that Toni always used to climb into my window. Could I use it to climb down? I’d never tried, but that night I did. I grabbed my house keys and stuck them in my pocket, and then I walked to the window again.

As quietly as I could, I climbed over the ledge and slowly shimmied down the pipe, only to lose my footing at the end and fall a few inches to the ground. I lay there in the leaves, panting slightly, just relieved that I managed to make it down.

Instinctively, I walked up to Toni’s front door, and I was about to knock on it when I realised that he was probably already asleep peacefully, so I turned back around and started walking down the street.

Suddenly, I heard someone running behind me, before Toni appeared beside me, panting.

“Hey,” he breathed. “What’s wrong?”

I turned and looked at him, surprised. There was a look of deep concern on his face. “What…were you, like, jogging? At this time?”

“No,” he laughed softly. “I woke up to pee, and I saw you fall down the pipe and walk to my door, but you didn’t knock.”

“Oh,” I said. “Yeah. I thought you were sleeping.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I whispered. “I just…I needed to take a walk.”

“Really?” he asked. “You know you can talk to me, right?”

“Yeah. Go back, okay? Go back to sleep.”

He stared at me, the look of worry on his face intensifying. “Can I walk with you?”

“No,” I whispered again, my voice disappearing, feeling tears forming in my eyes. “Go back and rest.”

“Gabi,” he said, grabbing my arm and stopping me from walking any further. “Gabi, what happened? Please don’t cry. Talk to me, Gabi.”

I looked at him, my tears streaming down my face slowly, and I felt something I’d never felt before. I felt my heart start beating quickly in my chest as I looked at his face, illuminated slightly under the streetlights, and I felt a strong sense of happiness, even though I was crying. I felt happy that I had him by my side. It was so late at night, and we were both so tired, so I felt so overwhelmed and confused by it all.

“It’s okay,” I told him, removing his hand from my arm. “Go back to bed, okay? I need to be alone.”

I continued walking as he stopped and continued staring at me from the back. He didn’t run after me, or so I thought, so I just walked down the road and towards the park on my own.

Toni’s POV

I walked as quietly as I could behind Gabi, because I just couldn’t leave her alone at that time of the night, especially since she was upset. She was so deep in her thoughts that she didn’t notice me there behind her, but I accidentally kicked a rock too hard, making it skid across a metal drain and making a loud sound.

Gabi turned around and saw me there, right under the glare of the streetlight directly above me, like a deer in the headlights. I smiled at her sheepishly.

She smiled back, a sad smile. She extended her hand out towards me, inviting me to walk beside her, so I ran up and let her hook her arm in mine.

“Thank you,” she whispered, leaning her head on my shoulder as we walked.

“You okay?” I asked. She didn’t answer. “You can talk to me if you want.”

“Yeah,” she said, and then she went silent. We walked all the way to the park and sat on the swings quietly. She still never said a word, but she started swinging slowly, gently, her head down.

“Gabi,” I called softly. “Please talk to me. Just pour it all out.”

She remained quiet for a while longer before she finally started talking. “It’s my parents,” she said softly, her gaze still directed at the ground. “It’s just…it’s so stupid.”

“It’s not stupid, Gabi. I’ll listen.”

She took a deep breath and let it all out at once. “They always quarrel. They think we don’t know it, and I don’t know about Amelie, but some nights I wake up and I hear them in their room fighting about random stuff. They always speak softly so they won’t wake us up, but I always wake up in the night, and I always hear them. They always, always make up after everything; I know, because I can’t sleep when they quarrel, and I hear everything. I hear how they solve it eventually and they make up and everything is fine. But I really don’t like it, you know? I hate it when people argue. I just want peace. I know it’s stupid of me to expect that nobody in my house fights with each other, but I just…I don’t know. I don’t like fights. I know they always make up eventually, but what if…what if one day they don’t? What if one day I wake up, and I listen to the usual fight, but at the end of it, they don’t make up? I don’t know if that day will come. I really don’t know. I don’t want it to come, but I can’t tell the future, can I? I’m so worried sometimes, and I can’t go back to sleep, so I stay up in bed the rest of the night. I’m not even angry with them, I just…I don’t like fighting.”

Her voice got thicker and thicker with her tears as she talked, and I saw her tears dripping slowly into her lap as she refused to look up at me. She raised her hands and covered her face, sobbing quietly into them.

I went and squatted in front of her, grabbing her shoulders gently. “Gabi,” I said. “Gabi, don’t cry. Look at me. Please, don’t cry anymore.”

She wiped her face with her hands and slowly raised her head to look at me. “I’m so sorry,” her voice quivered. “I’m sorry you had to come all the way here with me at this time.”

“No, it’s okay,” I said, using my jacket sleeve to wipe the remainder of her tears. “How long have your parents been together?”

“30 years,” she smiled through her tears. “They’ve known each other since they were twelve. Then they got together when they were fifteen.”

“See? That’s it.”

“What?”

“They’ve been together for  _30 years_. Excuse me for sounding rude, but if they’ve really reached their breaking point, do you think they’d still be together by now? You’re already seventeen, Gabi. Even if getting married and having children changed them, it shouldn’t have taken such a long time. They’ve tolerated each other for so many years. I’m sure they aren’t going to stop now. Every couple has their little problems, but it’s a matter of which couples are able to iron them out most successfully. And your parents have, for the past 30 years.”

She stared at me, her blue eyes shining in the dark, and she never uttered a word. She just stared at me for a long time, until I got worried and asked her, “Did I say something wrong? I’m sorry. Say something, Gabi. Don’t scare me.”

“I can’t believe I didn’t see that,” she whispered.

“See what?”

“That,” she said. “Whatever you just said.”

I smiled. “Don’t worry too much, okay? I’m sure everything will turn out fine.”

“Yeah,” she said softly. “Thanks, Toni.”

“It’s alright,” I said. I stood up and walked behind her, grabbed her swing, pulled it back and then released it so it started swinging. She turned and looked at me, smiling, and then she pointed to the empty swing next to her.

“You, too,” she said.

I got on and started swinging, timing it so that we moved back and forth at the same time. Despite the cold wind blowing slightly, a warm, comfortable feeling rose inside of me as she started laughing like a little girl, the sound echoing in the night air. I couldn’t help but smile when I heard her laugh, her peaceful, joyful sounding laugh.

It was almost six in the morning when we finally got up, stuck our hands in our pockets, and started walking home together.

“Toni,” she suddenly said. “Um…have you ever had a girlfriend?”

“Well…there was this girl I used to like in my previous school, and people said she liked me back, but we didn’t get together. So…no, I guess.”

“Oh.”

“What about you? Have you ever had a boyfriend?”

“No,” she said. “Not even close.”

“But you’re gorgeous,” I blurted out. “I mean…guys chase after you, right?”

“Yeah,” she looked down on the ground. “But I don’t like any of them.”

I smiled, knowing she was thinking of her parents and how long they’d been together. “You’ll find him one day, okay?”

“Yeah,” she said again as we reached her front door. “Maybe.”

Maybe he was already by your side. Have you ever thought about that, Gabi? That you’ve already found him, and he’s already found you? That he’s right here by your side, standing in front of you at six in the morning, watching you from across the road as you prepare for bed, always hoping that you’ll be safe and happy? Have you ever thought that your best friend could have feelings for you that have exceeded what friends should feel? It’s more likely that you haven’t, but maybe one day you will. And until that day comes, no matter how long it takes, I’ll be here. I’ll be here as your best friend.

“Good night, Gabi,” I said, leaning forward and kissing the top of her head.

“Good night,” she smiled, and then she just stared at me again. I couldn’t read her eyes properly, because they showed so many emotions. Happiness, relief, confusion, exhaustion, and gratefulness. Suddenly, she leaned forward and wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug, her head resting in the crook of my neck. “Thank you,” she whispered. “Thank you so much.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” I mumbled. “Don’t be sad, okay? Don’t cry. Just call me. I’ll be there, I promise. I’ll always be here for you.”

She let go of me and smiled. Without any warning, she leaned forward and give me a soft kiss on the cheek. “Good night, Toni.”

“Yeah,” I felt my breath being robbed from me. “Good night.”

She turned and entered her house, and I watched as her head appeared at her window and she gave me a small wave. I waved back, and crossed the road back to my own place.

I couldn’t stop my heart from beating so quickly. She kissed me. On the cheek, but it was still a kiss nonetheless. Maybe she already knew. Maybe she didn’t, but she felt the same way as I did. Maybe. It was all just a big maybe.

And maybe I would never find out. Maybe all we were meant to be was this – just friends, friends who could call on one another at any time of the day, but still just friends, and nothing more.


	6. Debutant

Gabi’s POV

I settled down on the couch with my dad and Amelie, waiting for the game to start. Wait, what was Amelie doing here?

“Why are you watching?” I asked her. “Do you even know anything?”

She shrugged. “I know your Toni is on the bench and that’s more than enough.”

I just rolled my eyes at her and turned my gaze back to the TV. I’d been waiting for ages for Toni to play his first pass in the senior team, but it’d been more than a month and he still hadn’t stepped onto the pitch. He’d been so great as the captain in the Under-17 World Cup for Germany, and I knew that his first kick for the senior team would come soon rather than later.

“Maybe he’ll play today,” my dad said, as if he’d read my mind. “I wanna see how good he is.”

“How about  _very_?” I asked him.

He laughed. “We will see, Gabi.”

“I’m telling you, he is!”

“Shhhh,” my dad said as the game started.

The first half ended goalless, and we hated to say it but my dad and I agreed that it was one of the most boring halves Bayern had ever played. In the second half though, the goals started pouring in, and we were already three up by the time the 70th minute came.

I had just popped into the kitchen for a quick drink after the third goal when my dad and Amelie starting calling for me urgently from the couch.

“Gabi!” Amelie yelled. “Gabi, come back and look at this! GABRIELE!!!”

“I’m actually excited,” my dad said incredulously. “Gabi, what have you done to me?”

I ran back to the couch as they jabbed their fingers towards the TV screen excitedly. The camera zoomed in on Zé Roberto, making his way out of the pitch, and then to the sidelines, where Toni was standing patiently, waiting for his turn to step in the field.

“Oh, my God,” I yelled. “He’s going to play! Finally!”

I watched with my mouth open as he ran onto the pitch. Amelie reached over and pushed my jaw back up, but it slowly fell back down again a few minutes later as the fourth goal of the match was scored.

Toni dribbled the ball a short distance, before taking a quick look into the penalty box – just like he did that day at the park, to the dustbin – and lobbed the ball in beautifully so that it landed perfectly for Miroslav Klose to tap into the net from close range.

I was so shocked, I didn’t even respond. I just continued staring at the TV as my dad and Amelie grabbed my arms and shook me.

“Well,” my dad said. “That was as good as scoring.”

“Dad!!!” I screamed as I woke up from my daze. “Dad, did you see that? I told you he was good! I told you, dad!”

“Okay, okay,” he said. “I see what you mean now.”

I thought things wouldn’t get any better, but they managed to, just before the final whistle blew, to put the cherry on the cake. It was almost a repeat of the first time, again with Toni, who glanced into the penalty area and lobbed the ball in again for Klose to head into the net.

“Oh,” I whispered. “Oh, Toni.”

I turned to my right only to see Amelie staring at me dreamily. “What?” I asked.

“You’re in love,” she said matter-of-factly.

“I am not.”

“You just don’t know it yet,” she said.

“I’m so proud of him,” I whispered.

“Don’t cry, Gabi,” Amelie said, still staring at me.

“I am not!” I repeated, using my hands to cover my face. I hadn’t even felt the tears welling up in my eyes. “Stop it, Amelie.”

“You’re in love,” she said again, before standing up and walking back to her room.

“Jesus Christ,” I muttered, my hands still over my face as I stood up and went back upstairs, collapsing on my bed and burying my head in my pillow, sobbing quietly.

I didn’t even know why I was crying, because looking at the big picture, it was quite a trivial matter. But Toni was my best friend, and to watch him play so magnificently in his debut made me so, so proud.

I stood up and went to my window, looking out at the dark, empty house across the street. Toni wasn’t home yet, obviously, but suddenly I really couldn’t wait to see him. It was almost midnight, but I couldn’t wait to congratulate him, to give him a big hug and tell him how proud I was of him.

My mind went back to that night a couple of months ago, when he climbed into my room, scared Amelie, and told me about his promotion to the senior team. I thought of when he gazed at me, into my eyes, as if he was looking right into my soul. I thought of how electrified I was by that gaze.

Maybe, just maybe, this was something more.

I grabbed my sweater and put it on, walking downstairs and out the front door. “I’m going to wait for Toni,” I told my dad, who was still lazing around on the couch, but who was also staring at me suspiciously. “Don’t worry, I’m just across the road.”

I sat down on his front steps, crossing my arms over my knees and resting my head on them. I sat there for a long while, even after all the lights on the surrounding houses went off and cars stopped driving by. I sat there, waiting for Toni, waiting until I fell asleep.

Toni’s POV

“Good job, kid,” Miro patted me on the shoulder as he turned into my street. “You really were very impressive.”

“Thanks, and congrats on your goals,” I told him.

I looked forward, out of the car, and saw a dark figure sitting on my front steps, slightly illuminated by the headlights. At first I didn’t recognise who it was, but then I saw that familiar ash brown hair and realised it was Gabriele.

“Hey, thanks for the ride,” I told Miro before he could drive any further. “I’ll just get off here.”

“You sure?” he asked, and I nodded. “Okay, good night, Toni.”

“Night, Miro,” I stood there as he made a U-turn and drove away.

I walked the rest of the way down the street towards Gabi, who had her head in her arms, fast asleep. I approached as quietly as I could, trying not to wake her up, but I accidentally stepped on a stray branch which made a loud cracking sound that echoed in the still night air.

Gabi jumped a little, and then raised her head slowly, opening her eyes slightly and looking around for the source of the sound. She took a double take when she saw me standing on the sidewalk, and then she stood up and ran towards me excitedly.

“Toni!” she yelled so loudly I was sure she woke up some neighbours. She ran and crashed straight into me, wrapping her arms tightly around me. “Toni, I’m so proud.”

“Hey,” I said into her hair, her beautiful, floral-scented hair. “Thanks, Gabi.”

She pulled away a little, her arms still around me, and looked at me. A smile crept across her face, illuminated so nicely in the streetlights above us. “You were great,” she said. “You were so, so great.”

“Thank you so much,” I whispered. I was overjoyed that she’d been watching, that she’d been impressed and that I’d been able to perform beyond my expectations in my first game. “It’s so late, what are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you,” she said, and then she paused as she realised how that sounded. “I mean…I wanted to…tell you how great you were. Yeah.”

I laughed. “Come on, let’s get you home.”

I grabbed her hand and pulled her across the road to her front door. I tried to open it, but it was locked.

“I think my dad forgot about me,” she said, laughing. “I’ll just climb in my window like you do.”

“Good night, Gabriele,” I said as she started climbing up the pipe. I watched as she reached her window and safely climbed in, sticking her head out to smile at me.

“Good night, Toni. I’m really proud of you.”

I smiled, turned around and started walking back across the road, when suddenly there was a scraping sound, and then a soft thud.

“Toni,” Gabi called softly from behind me.

I turned around. She was standing on the ground again, just standing there and staring at me. I stood where I was, staring back at her, not really knowing what to do. We just stood there in silence, looking at each other. I could barely see her face under the dim lights, but I could still see her piercing blue eyes, and feel her intense gaze on me.

I couldn’t suppress the sudden burst of energy that rose within me. She was just standing there, my beautiful Gabriele, looking so vulnerable in the dark. I couldn’t control my feet, or my arms, and I didn’t realise I was doing it, but I ran towards her; I ran towards Gabi, grabbed her face with both hands, and kissed her.

I half expected her to pull away, to slap me and yell at me for doing what I was doing, but she didn’t. She hesitated for only a split second before she kissed me back, her arms snaking around my waist and pulling me tightly against her.

With her lips never leaving mine, her hands moved up the front of my shirt, up my neck and into my hair. She leaned against me so hard, I thought I was going to fall over backwards.

It was magical. I didn’t want to stop. I don’t know how long that moment lasted; it felt as if it was only a second, yet it felt like we’d been standing there forever. It felt like someone was shooting jolts of electricity through my body, but I didn’t want it to stop, because that someone was Gabi. It felt like my world came crashing down around me, but in the best way possible. Like everything fell into place. Every single thing.

It was perfect. It was as if we were made for each other, like my lips were only meant to kiss hers. Only hers.

And in that moment, I was the happiest I’d ever been in my entire life. In the entire seventeen years of my life, that was the best moment. My first game with Bayern, and my first kiss with Gabi. I’d never, ever forget how I felt at that very moment. I wanted to relive it over and over again. The first of many, many more.

I would never forget that night, when I took the biggest risk I could ever imagine by just running up to Gabi and kissing her. And I would never forget that night, when I quite literally  _stole_  her first kiss, and she let me do it. Gabi, the girl across the road who didn’t know how perfect she was, how perfect she would  _always be_ , in my eyes.

“Gabi,” I whispered in between kisses. “Oh, I’ve been wanting to do this for ages.”

“Toni,” she whispered back. “I’ve already found him. I don’t need to search anymore. He’s right here in front of me. He always has been.”

I leaned my head against hers, looking straight into her beautiful blue eyes. “You are so beautiful, Gabriele.”

She smiled, and ran her hands gently down my face. “I’m so happy,” she whispered.

I grabbed the back of her head and pressed her face tightly against the crook of my neck, where it fit perfectly. “You are my favourite person in the entire world.”

“Awww,” she giggled. “You’re mine, too.”

We stood there in each other’s arms for a while – I didn’t know how long, and to be honest I didn’t care – before I let go, tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear. “Thank you, Gabi,” I told her. “Thank you so much for everything.”

She smiled. “Good night, Toni.”

“Good night, Gabriele,” I said, giving her another long kiss on her lips before placing my lips gently on her head. She squeezed my hands gently before turning around and climbing up the pipe again.

I started walking away when I saw her enter her room safely, wanting to return home, but I couldn’t resist taking one last look at her. After a couple of steps, I stopped and turned back around. She was still standing patiently at her window, watching me.

“Gabi,” I said softly.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

She smiled, although I could see her eyes glistening with tears. She closed her eyes as the first of those tears fell and landed on her windowsill. She wiped her face, her hands trembling uncontrollably. And then she opened her eyes again, her voice trembling as much as her hands were.

“I love you, too.”


	7. The First of a Thousand More

Gabi’s POV

My dad rolled his eyes and got up, walking back into the study and leaving me alone on the couch to watch the last fifteen minutes of the match. It was the UEFA cup, and we’d just fallen 2-1 behind. I didn’t stop him, because I knew he wouldn’t bear to miss any minute of a Bayern match. Even though he wouldn’t admit it, I knew he’d turn on the TV in the study to watch it quietly.

I continued watching as Toni entered in the last ten minutes, and my dad popped his head out of the study to look at me. Then, as if he’d realised that I wasn’t supposed to know he was watching secretly, he popped his head back in without a word.

I smiled, not taking my eyes off Toni no matter which part of the TV screen he was at. How could I ever take my eyes off him? I hoped that he’d do it again, that he’d do something explosive again, this time on the European stage, for everybody to see.

I didn’t have to wait long. I watched as he stood there alone, waiting to take a free kick, looking so focused. Just a split second later, he’d delivered another pinpoint cross for Klose to tap into the net.

“Toni,” I whispered, even though there was no one around to hear me. “Oh, Toni, I love you.”

The score was tied now, and there were less than five minutes left. Even though it was a European match, at that moment I wasn’t in the mood to care about whether we’d get the win. I just continued watching in a daze, my eyes still never leaving Toni.

I’d almost resigned to our fate in the 90th minute, when suddenly a free kick was awarded. I grabbed the cushion and held on to it in anticipation, prepared for another great thing to happen.

And it did. Except it wasn’t just an assist. It was a goal. By Toni.

I watched him smile and hug his teammates. I watched all the replays from all the angles. I flopped down face first, burying my face in the cushion and just lying there, too shocked and amazed to move a single muscle. I felt tears falling from my eyes and moistening the fabric, but I was too happy to care. Toni, my love.

The final whistle blew, but still I lay there. Amelie came downstairs to ask me if I was alright, but I didn’t answer; she slapped my butt and walked away, but still I lay there. I lay there until my dad came and turned off the TV, and until my family turned off all the lights, closed their doors and went to bed. I lay there until my phone buzzed past midnight.

“Still awake?”

I dialled his number and waited for him to pick up. “For you,” he said immediately after picking up.

“Toni,” I whispered. “I’ve never been so proud of anyone or anything in my entire life.”

“I love you, Gabriele.”

“I love you, too,” I said. “And I have to hang up now, or my phone bill will explode.”

“Good night, sweetheart.”

“Good night,” I said, trying not to let him hear the tremble in my voice. “Good night, Toni.”

——

School passed in a blur, because all I wanted was to go home, put down my stuff, cross the road, and spend the entire evening with Toni, now that he was back from Serbia after playing that amazing game.

Even though practically my whole family were rooting for me and Toni to be together, I hadn’t told them about us, even though a month had passed. They still thought we were just friends, and we were pulling that off, meeting outside and acting normally in front of them.

It wasn’t that I was ashamed about our relationship – in fact it was the opposite. I was so happy that I could finally put a title on my feelings towards him, that I finally figured it out and that he felt the same way as I did. I just didn’t want to advertise it, to let them make it a big deal out of it when all Toni and I wanted was to be with each other, not to have everyone inspect our every move.

It was a Friday, so I dumped all my things in my room and went opposite, even though I wasn’t sure if Toni was at home. I rang the doorbell once, and then twice, but still nobody opened the door, so I shrugged and sat on his front steps.

Winter was coming, and the air was getting colder, but I pulled my jacket sleeves over my hands and sat patiently outside, waiting for him to appear around the corner.

Toni’s POV

I’d heard the doorbell ring while I was in the shower, but I wasn’t sure who would come around at that time. I went to open the door anyway, after getting dressed.

Gabriele was sitting there, hunched over on the steps, even though there was a strong wind blowing and she was shivering slightly.

“Gabi,” I called, grabbing her from the back, lifting her off the ground and dragging her into the warmth of my living room. “Why are you sitting here? It’s so cold.”

“Waiting for you,” she whispered. “I missed you.”

“Baby, I’m so sorry. I was in the shower.”

She smiled. “It’s okay.”

I put my arms around her and hugged her tightly, trying to warm her up. “What do you wanna do today?”

“Nothing,” she said. “Just sit here and cuddle with you.”

I pulled her head tightly against my chest and kissed the top of her head. “That sounds great.”

So I turned on the TV, where there happened to be a replay of the previous day’s match we’d played against Red Star Belgrade. Gabi’s head never left my chest until Bayern’s second goal, which I’d assisted. She lifted her head to smile at me, give me a soft kiss on the lips, and then move and sit upright.

Her eyes were glistening with tears as she watched my goal hit the back of the net. She looked at me, a big grin slowly spreading across her face. “I’m so proud, Toni.”

“Don’t cry,” I said.

“Yeah,” she buried her face in the crook of my neck. “I won’t.”

I was going out with some of my teammates for dinner, so I saw Gabi home – it was just across the road, but I still walked her there – and promised her I’d call her when I was home.

It was about 9 pm when I got home and showered. I looked out the window and saw that Gabi’s bedroom light was still on, so I called her.

I saw her silhouette appear at her window as she picked up the phone. “Can I come over?” she asked. “When my parents are asleep.”

“Yeah,” I said. “I’ll wait for you.”

I sat at my window, looking over at hers, her lone figure still sitting at the window and looking back across at me. I saw her smile, before blowing a kiss across at me. I leaned my head on my windowsill and watched her, even though all she did was sit there. Finally, after an hour or so, she walked to her door, opened it to check if her family was asleep, and then she turned off her room light.

I watched her climb out her window and slide down the pipe, before checking for traffic and running across to my front door. I opened it for her, but before I could say anything, she pounced on me and pressed her lips hard against mine, kicking the door shut behind her.

“Tired?” she asked.

“A little.”

She let go of me, smiled, and then grabbed my hand and dragged me to my room. She stood at the door, looking at the bed, and then back at me. “Can I sleep with you?”

“You sure?” I asked, and she nodded. “Okay, get in. I’ll just go clean up some things.”

I came back to see her curled up in a ball, facing away from the door and towards the window. I turned off the lights and crawled in beside her, putting an arm across her body and burying my face in her beautiful hair.

“Toni,” she mumbled, and placed her hand on top of mine. “Remember when you first kissed me? It was in the middle of the night, so I don’t really know how to tell which day it fell on. But I’m going to say today marks one month, because exactly one month ago, I watched you make your debut for Bayern, and I realised how much you meant to me. I realised I loved you, I was in love with my best friend, and I felt so lucky. And on that very night, you kissed me, and you told me you loved me. It was the best night of my life. And although it was after midnight, the 26th will still be the day I’ll always, always remember, as the day my best friend became my boyfriend.”

She turned around to face me across the pillow. “When we wake up tomorrow, it’ll have been a month. And there’s nothing I want more than to wake up to your face tomorrow morning, to see that you’re still here even though I’m so clingy and weird, and I refuse to tell my family and friends about you. There’s nothing I want more than to hold your hand and tell you I love you, because I do. I love you so much, Toni.”

“Gabi,” I whispered, feeling my breath being slowly robbed from me after every word she uttered. “Gabi, I love you so, so much.”

She moved closer and leaned her head against mine. “I’ll never forgive you for stealing my first kiss,” she whispered.

“But you stole my heart, so we’re even.”

She laughed. “You stole my heart too, dumbass.”

“You stole my  _everything_.”

She smacked me gently on the nose, and then tilted her head to kiss me. And then she smiled and closed her eyes, a completely peaceful look on her face. “Good night, baby.”

“Good night,” I leaned over and gave her a quick peck on the lips, before moving back and watching her sleep, listening as her breath slowed and became even, before I could finally fall asleep myself.

Gabi’s POV

Just as I’d wished, I woke up to the sight of Toni’s adorable sleeping face, our hands somehow finding their way into each other’s during the middle of the night and staying interlocked. The sunlight flooding in through the window made his hair look blonder than it already was, but it also hit his face in exactly the right spots, making him look extra kissable.

“Stop staring at me,” he mumbled with his eyes closed as I moved a hand to sweep his blonde locks away from his forehead.

“Never,” I told him.

He sat up slightly and checked the time, before flopping back down on the bed again. “It’s almost nine,” he said. “You should get back before your family notices.”

I got up and dragged him along to the front door. “I forgot to say this yesterday, but happy monthsary, Toni baby.”

He smiled, a broad, passionate smile. “Happy monthsary,” he whispered, leaning in to kiss me, his lips staying on mine for longer than they should have, and his hands moving downwards to cup my butt and squeeze it gently.

“Naughty boy,” I whispered in between kisses.

“Beautiful girl,” he whispered back.

I giggled, poked him on the nose, and then opened the door. I walked all the way to the sidewalk before realising that I’d forgotten something. I turned around. Toni was still standing in the doorway, gazing dreamily at me. “I love you, Toni,” I said.

“I love you, too,” he said, never taking his loving gaze off me.

I checked for traffic and walked backwards to the pipe below my window, not wanting to take my gaze off him either. I climbed the pipe, tumbled into my room and stuck my head out only to see Toni still standing and staring. I raised a hand, and waved.

He smiled warmly, and blew a kiss back at me.

I rolled into bed again, with a big smile on my face that I couldn’t wipe off no matter how hard I tried. I closed my eyes, and all I saw was Toni. I couldn’t believe a month had already passed. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was that Toni and his family chose that very house opposite ours, that my mum made me bring that plate of cookies to them, and that Toni loved me.

Toni loved me. Although I never saw anything good in myself, neither would I ever find out what exactly it was that he saw in me, nor would I ever understand how he could tolerate all my silliness – he loved me. And I loved him, oh I loved him so much.

My phone suddenly buzzed.

“I love you,” said the text.

I smiled, closed my eyes and held the phone close to my chest, as if I was holding Toni’s hand. “I love you, too,” I whispered.


	8. Behind Closed Doors

Gabi’s POV

I was walking back home along the street, my head down, just thinking about the pile of schoolwork I had to do at home, when suddenly I walked straight into someone, my books crashing straight into his chest.

“Sorry,” I muttered, moving aside and continuing down the street.

Suddenly, somebody grabbed my waist from the back and pulled me hard against him. “Kiss me better,” Toni whispered in my ear.

“Toni,” I turned around to face him, his arms still tightly around my waist. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you.”

“You’ll see me at dinner.”

“But I can’t do this at dinner,” he said, his hands moving up to grab my face, leaning over to kiss me. A wave of electricity rushed from my head to my toes, just like every other time he’d kissed me over the past three months.

“Yeah,” I whispered, letting go of my books and letting them fall to the ground. I ran my hands through his hair. “You can’t.”

After a few moments, he let go of me and bent over to pick up my books. “Come on,” he said, grabbing my hand and dragging me in the opposite direction from our homes. “We’ve still got an hour before dinner.”

He brought me to the park, where the swings were occupied by other people. So we found a nice shady area under a tree and sat down against it, his arm draped around me and my head resting on his shoulder, just watching the people flitting about around us.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“Why?” he kissed the top of my head. I didn’t answer him, but he knew exactly what I was talking about. “About your family? Don’t worry about it, Gabi.”

I stared straight ahead, not sure what to say. He’d been so patient, although I’d been so weird and irrational.

“Let’s go,” he said after a while, waking me up from my daze. “It’s dinnertime.”

We walked home silently, knowing that once we entered the house there wouldn’t be any room for any sort of quietness. I stopped a few houses before ours, pulling his arm so that he’d turn to face me. I smiled at him, and he smiled back, putting his free hand on my waist.

“I love you,” I said.

“I love you too, baby,” he said, leaning over to kiss my head.

As expected, my house was full of noise as we entered, my sister jabbering away about her day and my parents busying themselves with the dishes. I went upstairs to put my things down and change into something more comfortable, returning downstairs to see that everyone was already in place at the dinner table, waiting for me. I sat down next to Toni, with my mum and Amelie opposite us and my dad at the foot of the table.

Toni’s hand crept across and grabbed mine, his fingers interlocking gently with mine. I tried not to smile, but I couldn’t stop the curl of my lips, so I started stuffing my mouth with food using my other hand.

“Are you that hungry?” Amelie asked. “Can’t you act like a lady?”

“My lady,” Toni whispered so softly that no one heard him except me.

I let go of his hand and pinched him on the thigh, and he laughed, pretending to be amused at Amelie’s statement. I continued eating with both my hands, when suddenly I felt something moving gently up my thigh.

I looked down and saw Toni’s hand creeping up my thigh slowly, higher and higher. I smacked at it, and it retreated back to his side, but I looked up to see my family staring at me curiously.

“There’s a fly,” I tried to say with a straight face. “Under the table.”

A few moments later, his hand returned to my thigh, moving even more gently this time, making me shiver in anticipation. It moved up slowly, and then towards the inside of my thigh, between my legs. I gripped my cutlery tightly, so tightly I almost left nail imprints on my palm. “Stop it,” I whispered.

Amelie stared at me with her mouth open. “Did you just talk to the fly?”

“Well…” I cleared my throat as Toni’s hand returned to a more comfortable position on my knee. “The fly is really annoying.”

“Are you okay?” my mum asked. “Your face is flushed.”

“It is?” I put my hands on my face. It was burning. “Uh…well, I guess maybe I need some rest.” I took a last bite of food and stood up. “Good night, guys.”

I ran up the stairs to my room, hearing Toni say to my parents, “I’ll go see if she’s okay,” and then his footsteps pounding up the steps. Before I could close my door, he slipped into my room and stood in front of me.

“What was that?!” I asked as I clicked the door shut and locked it, just in case. “You…I…what?”

“Did you like it?”

“Yeah…yeah, I liked it.”

He stood there silently, just gazing at me, his eyes glowing with passion. Suddenly, he took a few steps forward, bridging the gap between us, and pushed me gently backwards, using his body to pin me against the door. He started peppering kisses all over my face, and then my neck, his hands moving wildly down my body, lifting one of my thighs and wrapping it around his waist.

“Gabi,” he whispered. “Gabi, I want you.”

His other hand moved up and found its way into my hair, grabbing the back of my head tightly as he continued kissing me passionately, shoving his tongue in between my lips.

“Toni,” I whispered, feeling something in between my legs, pressing hard against my sensitive parts. “Toni, that isn’t your hand, is it?”

“No,” he murmured, lifting his body off mine, turning around and pushing me towards the bed. “Oh, Gabi.”

“My family –“

“Shhhhhhh,” he said, pushing me down on the bed and climbing on top of me. “Just…just let me.”

He lowered his body gently so that we aligned perfectly, all of our clothes still on. And then he started moving his hips gently, rubbing himself against me, softly at first, and then increasing in speed and intensity. It felt surprisingly pleasant.

I opened my legs, wrapping my thighs around him again as my hands ran through his soft, smooth hair. I kissed his lips softly as he gritted his teeth in pleasure, his own hands moving blindly up and down my body.

“Gabi,” he moaned softly. “Oh, Gabriele.”

I decided to give him a little help, so I pushed him halfway off me and moved my hand to his parts, grabbing them and massaging them gently. He gasped, and then let out a long moan, moving his hand on top of mine and guiding it along. His other hand moved to my lady parts and did the same thing, the both of us just so lost in the heat of the moment, our bodies overcome by passion.

I was so immersed that I jumped and almost fell off the bed when there was a sudden soft knock on the door. “Gabi?” Amelie’s voice called out softly. “Toni, is Gabi okay?”

I opened my eyes and found myself staring straight into Toni’s blue eyes. Our hands were still moving, never stopping until we were satisfied.

“Wait,” Toni called out, trying his best to stop his voice from trembling. “Wait a moment.”

And it was literally just a moment, as I felt him tense up, and then shudder and collapse, half his body still resting on me, exhausted. His hands, though, were far from done with me, pushing hard and hitting the exact spot where it mattered. He continued moving, harder and harder, until suddenly I felt my belly relax, as if a thousand knots were suddenly released at once, a wave of pleasure traveling across my body.

“Oh, my God,” I whispered. “Oh, Toni.”

Still panting, he moved his face close to mine, lazily sweeping his lips over mine. He stood up and turned to the door, remembering Amelie on the other side. He pulled my blanket from under me, draped it over me and pushed my eyes shut before giving me another lingering kiss on the lips.

He went over to the door, pulling it open a little so that Amelie could only see his face. “She just fell asleep,” I heard him say, trying to control his heavy breathing. “She’s okay. I’ll stay for a while, and then I’ll leave.”

“Okay,” I heard her say before the door shut.

He came back and squeezed on the bed beside me. “Gabriele, baby.”

“Wow,” I whispered, still in shock. “I just…wow.”

He laughed and kissed me on the nose. He turned sideways and hugged me. “I love you so much.”

“I love you, too,” I said. “Thanks for…staying with me.”

“Get well soon, Gabriele,” he joked, just lying there with his arms wrapped around me for a while, before standing up and giving me a kiss on the forehead. He started walking towards the door.

I sat up on the bed. “Toni,” I called before he could leave.

“Yeah?”

“Come here,” I whispered.

He walked over to the side of my bed and sat down beside me, his hands reaching over and grabbing mine. I moved my head slowly towards him, my eyes never leaving his, until our lips met and my heart exploded with passion, with so much love for this boy.

He pulled away, smiling, his eyes still glowing in the dim light. He tucked me into bed once again, making sure I was comfortable before leaving the room, closing the door gently.

I closed my eyes and smiled to myself, not wanting to get out of bed, or shower, or do my work. I thought of how good his body felt against mine. I would never forget it.

Suddenly, my phone buzzed.

“Good night, beautiful,” Toni’s text said.

I giggled, although there was no one around to hear it.

“Good night, love.”


	9. Scream It Out Loud

Gabi’s POV

Exactly six months had passed since Toni kissed me that night under my room window, but my parents and Amelie still suspected nothing – or at least I thought they didn’t. And neither did Elisa and Bertha, although they still asked incessantly about Toni, or as they liked to call him,  _mysterious neighbour guy._

“Can you have dinner with us today?” Elisa whined. “You’ve been so ‘busy’ recently.”

“Okay, okay,” I said, laughing. “I’ll eat with you guys.”

They hooked their arms in mine as we walked along, talking about school in general and the guys in school – since both of them were still single, their guy radar was still on, and I had to turn mine half-on in order for them to not suspect anything.

I knew I had to tell them someday. I couldn’t keep our relationship secret, not from them and definitely not from my family.

“Oh, my God, Gabi and I saw this really cute guy in socio today,” Bertha said. “I think he’s new, or something.”

“Yeah, he’s okay,” I said.

“Okay?!” Bertha exclaimed. “He’s more than okay. I’d climb that like a tree.”

“BERTHA!” Elisa and I yelled at the same time.

“What?” she stared at us. “Damn it, guys. I’m not as attractive as Gabi. Guys go chasing after her. I have to  _chase guys._ ”

“Yeah, Gabi,” Elisa nudged me and laughed. “You’ve got to choose one so all the others can be available to us.”

“I don’t like any of them,” I said, feeling my cheeks flush with heat.

“Aww, you’re as red as a beet,” Bertha slapped me playfully. “Do you like someone? Who is it?”

“No one that you guys know,” I said, desperately trying to change the subject. “What are we eating?”

Toni’s POV

I stood up as I saw Gabi and her friends appear around the corner. I didn’t know them, I’d never talked to them before, and I was only here for Gabi, so I hadn’t expected her to have company.

I shrugged as they approached. It was too late to turn back. Gabi’s eyes widened as she saw me standing there. “Hey,” I said as she stopped in front of me, the two other girls stopping beside her.

“Hi,” she said, her eyes still open wide, staring at me. “Um…why are you here?”

“Who is he?” I saw one of Gabi’s friends mouth to the other, who shrugged.

“I…um…I was passing by.”

A knowing smile crept across Gabi’s face. She stepped forward and pulled me to the side, talking softly so her friends wouldn’t hear. “No, what are you doing here? I’m going for dinner with my friends.”

“Oh,” I said, feeling my heart sink. “I…I thought we could go for dinner together.”

“Just us?” a look of confusion crossed her eyes, before she realised. “Oh, my God. It’s our monthsary.”

“Yeah,” I said. “But it’s okay, I’ll just see you at home.” I smiled, turned her around and pushed her back towards her friends. “See you, Gabi.”

“No, hey,” she grabbed my arm and pulled me to stand next to her. “This is Elisa, and Bertha,” she said, pointing to her friends, who smiled at me curiously. Then she slid her hand down my arm so that her fingers rested comfortably in between mine. She gave my hand a gentle squeeze and looked up at me, her eyes full of joy.

“Elisa, Bertha,” she said. “This is Toni. My boyfriend.”

“BOYFRIEND?!” the both of them screamed at the same time, and then they stepped forward and started punching Gabi gently on her shoulders.

“Gabi, you never told us!” the girl named Bertha said. “Is he your mysterious neighbour guy?”

“I’m guessing you’re not having dinner with us  _again_ ,” Elisa said.

“Sorry,” Gabi said, giggling and leaning on my shoulder.

“Awwwwwwwww,” Elisa said as Gabi wrapped her arms around my waist. “Okay, okay, now go before I start puking.”

“I’ll still be watching,” Bertha said as Gabi turned around and dragged me along. We walked a short distance before turning back, only to see that the both of them were trying to follow us discreetly.

“Sorry about that,” Gabi said.

“It’s okay,” I laughed. “Why did you suddenly decide to tell them?”

“Because I’m proud,” she said. “I’m proud to call you my boyfriend.”

I smiled, and turned her around so I could kiss her. I heard voices coming from behind us, going “awwww” softly, and I turned to see Elisa and Bertha trying to hide behind a bush.

“Stop it!” Gabi yelled at them, and they threw their arms in the air, turned around, and walked in the other direction.

We stopped when we reached the front of Gabi’s house, so that she could pop inside and leave her things before we headed out together. She walked halfway to the front door before turning and running back, grabbing my hand and pulling me along with her.

“Let’s tell them,” her eyes gleamed eagerly.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” she said. “I don’t know why I ever thought I shouldn’t.”

As luck would have it, her parents were already home, sitting on the couch and chatting, as Amelie emerged from the kitchen stuffing her mouth with chips. “Amelie, come here,” Gabi called. “I have something to tell you guys.”

She waited until all three of them were on the couch, staring curiously at us, before she grabbed my hand again. “Um…” she hesitated, not sure how to say it. “We’re together.”

Smiles appeared on her parents’ faces, but Amelie rolled her eyes and stared at Gabi in disbelief. “Is that it?” she asked. “I’ve known for  _ages_. She cries after every assist you make, you know? And every goal you score. She’s a huge mess for you, Toni.”

“Shut up, Amelie.”

“And that day when you were ‘ _sick_ ,’ and I went to check on you, and Toni –“

“AMELIE!” Gabi screamed, her cheeks flushed red.

“How long has this been going on?” Mrs. Meiser asked calmly, as if her two daughters weren’t about to launch a war in front of her.

I smiled as Gabi and Amelie continued making looks at each other. “Exactly six months,” I replied.

Their parents stood up and gave me encouraging pats on the shoulder. “Good job, kid,” her dad said. “It’s not easy for Gabi to fall for someone.”

“Dad!”

“Are you going out for dinner?” her mum asked, and I nodded. “Enjoy yourself, okay?”

Gabi pulled me out the door. “Alone at last,” she sighed.

“Remember the last time we were alone?” I asked, waggling my eyebrows at her.

“Toni!” she whined. “Not you, too.”

“I can’t help myself, you’re so gorgeous.”

“Look who’s talking,” she said, laughing. She looked up at me with her big blue eyes, suddenly filled with relief. Relief that she finally didn’t have to hide our relationship anymore.

“Do you really?” I asked her. “Cry after every assist or goal?”

“Yeah,” she whispered, looking down in embarrassment. “Yeah, I do.”

I touched her chin so she’d look up at me. “Thank you so much, Gabriele.”

“Stop thanking me,” she said. “I’m a train wreck.”

“Baby,” I mumbled, leaning over to kiss her.

She smiled against my lips. “I’m your number one fan.”

“And I’m your…I’m yours. Just that. I’m just yours. I’ll always be.”

And just as I’d always promised, I knew I’d always be there for her, especially now that it was out. I’d give her any support she needed, to make sure she never got hurt, to make sure she was always happy. I’d always try to give her happiness; the happiness she deserved so much. It didn’t matter what I had to do. I’d do it for Gabriele.


	10. Life's a Beach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mature! ;)

Toni’s POV

My parents and Felix were waiting for us at the airport as we landed in Santorini – I was together with Gabriele, Amelie, and Mr. and Mrs. Meiser. Our families were going to take a short summer holiday together on the Greek island.

I talked to Felix occasionally over the phone, and my parents sometimes came over for short visits, but I really missed the times when we were all living together in Rostock. Thankfully, I had Gabi living just across the street, and I could talk to her anytime I wanted, at any time of the day, whether I was feeling lonely or not. 

We made our way to the beach in Perissa after leaving our things at the resort. We were greeted by an amazing view, looking out into the Mediterranean Sea, with high, jagged volcanoes surrounding us. There were a few people on the beach, but not enough for it to be crowded.

Our parents found empty shelters and proceeded to sit under their shade, unpacking their drinks and putting on their sunglasses, preparing for a lazy afternoon. The four of us, though, headed towards the clear blue water.

“Water fight!” Amelie suddenly yelled, scooping up some water and splashing it at Gabi, who was still busy adjusting her bikini.

“Hey!” was all Gabi managed to choke as water went into her eyes and mouth. “That’s not fair!”

Felix and I laughed and joined in, the three of us splashing water at Gabi as she tried her hardest to get back at us. “Stop it!” she screamed. “My top is falling off!”

I swam over to her and wound my arm around her bare waist, hidden from the others’ view by the water. “I don’t mind,” I whispered into her ear.

“Toni!” she smacked me on the nose, and then turned around. “Help me tie it.”

Amelie and Felix swam over to us as I secured the back of Gabi’s top. “We’ve got an idea. Gabi, climb on my shoulders. Toni, Felix will get on yours.”

Felix climbed up so that he was facing Gabi, and grabbed her hands. “The one who falls off first loses,” he said, and then counted to three and started pushing on Gabi’s hands.

Gabi tried her best to push back, but Felix was too strong for her, and after a few seconds she fell backwards and made a big splash as she landed. She was laughing as she resurfaced, and she swam over to Amelie with a cheeky smile on her face. She started whispering in Amelie’s ear, and the same cheeky smile crept over Amelie’s face.

“You guys switch,” she told us. “Toni on top.”

I watched as Gabi climbed up Amelie’s shoulders again. “Aren’t you guys gonna switch too?”

“No, winners switch,” Gabi giggled. She was definitely up to something.

“Okay, ready,” Amelie said as Gabi reached over and grabbed my hands. “One, two, three!”

I waited for Gabi to make the first move, but she didn’t move a muscle. Instead she just sat there, staring straight into my eyes. “Closer,” she suddenly said, and I thought she was talking to me, but then I saw Amelie take a step forward, towards Felix.

Gabi leaned forward so that her face was inches away from mine. Then, she extended her neck forwards and started kissing me, her hands leaving mine to grab my neck. Reflexively, I moved my hands to her waist, running them across her bare skin. The kiss got so much more intense in the next few moments that I forgot where we were and what we were supposed to be doing.

Suddenly, in one swift move, she moved her hands to my shoulders and pushed me backwards so that I fell into the water this time.

I resurfaced to see Amelie and Gabi high-fiving each other and Felix staring at me, laughing. “Bro, you were totally fooled!”

“Shut up, Felix.”

He continued laughing as I splashed my way over to Gabi and grabbed her by the waist. “Naughty girl,” I mumbled into her ear.

“I won,” she giggled childishly.

“You’ll get your punishment later,” I told her.

“Oh, really?” her eyes glinted mischievously as we made our way back to our parents for some drinks and snacks.

“You’ll see,” I reciprocated her playful tone, grabbing some drinks and dragging her to another shady umbrella a short distance away. We sat there quietly, just taking in the amazing view, as the sun slowly became cooler.

Gabi stood up and pulled me further down the beach, finding a perfect spot and spreading out two towels. She lay down on her back and passed me a tube of sunblock. “Help me.”

I sat down next to her and started spreading the sunblock for her. She turned over when I was done, wanting me to do her back next. I stared at it for a while, not sure how to start, and then I reached over and slowly undid her bikini top.

“Don’t you dare to try anything funny,” she said, her voice muffled.

Gabi’s POV

Toni laughed and slowly rubbed my back in circles, moving downwards, when suddenly, I felt his hand slip under my bikini bottom and touch my bare ass.

“Toni!” I yelled, but he just laughed and continued touching me. I tried to sit up, but I realised my top was still untied. I grabbed the front of it, pressing it tightly against my chest, and turned to face him. “What is wrong with you?”

“Nothing,” he said, moving closer to me. “I don’t want your cute little butt to get sunburnt.”

I rolled my eyes. The thing with us being such good friends before we became a couple was that he never, ever hesitated to talk dirty to me, at any moment of the day, wherever we were. “I really want to slap you,” I said.

He looked at my hands, which I was still using to cover my boobs. “Please do,” he said, never taking his eyes off my chest. “Oh, Gabriele. Please slap me.”

“Our parents are just like, over there.”

He hesitated, and then his eyes lit up, as if he’d just thought of the most brilliant idea ever. “Okay,” he said. “Meet me at the road to the beach tonight at 1.”

“Why?” I asked.

“It’s your punishment,” he said.

——

I shared a suite with my parents and Amelie, and I lay in bed patiently for more than an hour before I heard soft snoring from the three of them. It was already a little past 1 am. I got out of bed as quietly as I could and changed into my long beach shawl, and then I made my way down the dark road to the beach.

Toni was already there, waiting for me. He grabbed my hand and led me down to the beach, which was almost completely dark except for something flickering under one of the beach shelters we were sitting under earlier in the afternoon.

A little glass lantern with a candle in it, just sitting in the sand, the flame moving in the wind getting in through the opening. Under the shelter was a cozy little bundle of blankets, which Toni made me lie down on. He lay beside me, putting an arm under my head and pulling my face onto his chest.

“No parents now,” he whispered, grabbing another blanket and draping it over our bodies.

The night wind, although slight, was quite cold, and the blankets really worked to keep us warm. I moved closer to him, sticking my feet in between his and running my hands down the front of his shirt. “This is nice,” I said.

We just lay there quietly, listening to each other breathe and to our hearts beat, listening as the waves hit the shore over and over again and the tree leaves rustled slightly in the wind, listening as the candle fizzled and went out.

Suddenly, Toni turned over towards me and put his hand on my knee, moving it slowly upwards, lifting up my shawl and gently stroking my thigh, all the way upwards until he reached my butt. With his other hand, he lifted my face and started kissing me softly.

“Toni,” I whispered as his hands and lips started to move more urgently.

“You feel so good,” he whispered back.

I shivered as his hand moved up my back, his touch so soft against my skin. I put my own hands under his shirt, and he gasped, before shuddering slightly. He sat upright, pulling me up with him.

Hesitantly – and almost achingly slowly – he reached behind my neck and undid the knot keeping my shawl up, letting it fall and pool around my waist. He moved his hands to my shoulders, sliding my bra strap off and slowly leaning over to kiss my collar bones and my neck. He stopped when he reached my lips, looking eagerly into my eyes, waiting for my reaction, for me to give him permission.

I reached over and pulled his shirt upwards and over his head, throwing it aside. And then I removed my shawl and added it to the pile. A passionate smile spread across his beautiful face as he took that as my permission. He grabbed me and pulled me on top of him, lying back and undoing my bra with his deft fingers, before moving downwards and pulling my panties down my hips.

He turned over, pinning me under him, kissing me urgently as I pulled down his shorts and his underwear and added it to the pile of clothes. And then, we were completely naked. The wind was still blowing, and the leaves still rustling, but we didn’t feel a thing because we were so caught up in passion.

“Gabriele,” he murmured. “You are so beautiful.”

I gasped as he ran his lips down my neck to my breasts, gently sucking on them, before moving further down and reaching my lady parts. His fingers moved teasingly over the opening, before he put his face in the area and started kissing it softly; hesitantly at first and then harder, as if he was sure of what he was doing but not so much if I liked it.

“TONI!” I screamed my answer to his unasked question, not even caring if there was anyone else on the beach at that time. I put my legs over his shoulders as he continued to tease me, extending his tongue and pressing hard on the opening. Unable to control myself, I let out a loud moan, and he started laughing, blowing air down there and making it worse. “OH, MY GOD, TONI.”

He kissed his way back up to my face and rested his forearms on either side of my head, so he was looking straight into my eyes. “You’re so wet, baby.”

“Toni,” I moaned again.

He reached behind a bundle of blankets and found a condom, but his hands were shaking so hard that he could barely open it. I took it from him and ripped it open, reaching towards his parts to put it on for him, but I stopped when I saw it. Naked.

“Oh, my God,” I whispered. “You’re huge.”

“Gabriele,” he mumbled urgently.

“Will it…like…you know, fit?” I asked, and then immediately flushed with embarrassment.

He lifted his face slightly to smirk at me, his eyes gleaming with excitement. “The only way to know is if we try,” he pointed out playfully, and then kissed me on the nose.

I giggled. “Okay,” I whispered.

“Put it on, Gabriele,” he moaned, placing his lips beside my ear. “You know you want it inside you.”

I did. So I put it on, and moved my hands to grab his face, pulling it close to mine, pressing my lips against his and extending my tongue, which he sucked on gently. Slowly, he moved his face beside my ear.

“You’re really sure about this, right?” he murmured.

In response, I wrapped my lips around his earlobe and pulled on it softly, my hands travelling up his well-toned back, caressing it, pulling him closer to me.

“You’re not going to leave me like this,” I breathed into his ear.

He laughed softly, his hands moving across my face and sweeping my hair out of it.

“My beautiful girl,” he whispered, his gorgeous, eager blue eyes shining in the pale moonlight.

And then, finally, he lowered his hips, entering me slowly, trying not to hurt me. His lips moved softly across my face, trying to calm me down as I gasped and grabbed on to him tightly.

He moved so, so gently, little by little, his hips moving in sync with mine, until we reached a perfect rhythm. He never took his eyes off mine as our bodies rocked in unison. They were filled with the most perfect combination of emotions I could ever imagine – hunger and joy and peacefulness and satisfaction. And love. They were filled with the purest, deepest, rawest look of love anyone had ever given me.

As we climbed higher and higher, his hips moved quicker and quicker, slamming hard against mine, just not caring anymore. I grabbed the back of his head and pressed his forehead against mine, staring into his beautiful, beautiful eyes, those eyes I never wanted to look away from.

The sides of his eyes crinkled perfectly as he smiled and tilted his head to kiss me, biting softly on my lower lip, all the while his hips still moving. Slowly, his hands moved to my breasts, grabbing them and massaging them gently. It felt so good, and I briefly wondered where he learnt all his moves.

And then I shrugged inwardly. It didn’t matter, because he was doing them to  _me_  and they felt  _so damn good_.

“Gabi,” he grunted as his thrusts increased in strength. “Oh, God, Gabi.”

I grabbed tightly onto his butt and hooked my legs in his as he pushed as hard as he could a few more times, before I felt something explode in my belly, a warmness that spread in all directions, a feeling that was so satisfying that I couldn’t help but scream out loud.

He yelled my name as he climaxed at the same time as I did, and then he collapsed on top of me, resting his entire body on me, but I barely felt a thing, still numb from the rollercoaster ride I’d just gone through. He lay there, panting heavily, refusing to move, our faces buried in each other’s necks.

“Wow,” I whispered, feeling as if I would never catch my breath again. “That was…wow. It was…amazing.”

“Gabriele,” he moaned again, before climbing off me and lying beside me, still panting heavily.

I turned over and leaned my head on his shoulder. “I love you so much, Toni.”

“I love you, too,” he whispered, still panting. “I love you so, so much, I don’t think I’ll ever say it enough.”

The blankets covering us had gone all messed up after everything, so he grabbed another one and pulled it over our bodies, sweaty but still pressed together, never wanting to leave each other. I closed my eyes and melted into his big, strong arms. I couldn’t wipe off the smile on my face. My precious Toni, my best friend, and now my man.

Toni’s POV

We lay there quietly for a while, just taking it all in, when suddenly I felt something wet on my chest. I lifted my head and saw Gabi trying to wipe the tears off her face, and then the tears that had fallen on my chest.

She giggled when she saw me staring at her. “Sorry,” she whispered.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. “Did I hurt you?”

“Baby, no,” she said, sitting up. “I just…I…I’m sorry, this is a horrible time to cry.”

I sat up and continued staring at her. “What’s wrong?” I asked again.

She smiled, grabbing my face with both hands and using her thumbs to stroke my cheeks. “I’m so happy,” she whispered.

Knowing her, that wasn’t all she wanted to say. So I stayed silent, waiting for her to continue, to let it all out, whatever she had to say.

“It was so amazing,” she continued. “ _You_  were amazing. I…I never thought I’d feel something like that, ever. I just…I…” she leaned over and wrapped her arms around me. “I love you so much.”

“I love you, Gabriele baby,” I smiled and ran my hands down her hair, still slick with sweat.

“Is this your first time?”

“Yeah,” I said.

“Mine, too,” she smiled against my bare skin. “But how did you know…all those things?”

“I really wanted to make love to you.”

She giggled again – oh, I’d never get tired of that sound – and smacked me gently on the chest. “Your words are as sweet as your moves.”

“Only for you, Gabriele.”

She reached over, grabbed a blanket and draped it over our pile of clothes. Then she lay back down, pulling me down beside her, kissing me, and then resting her head on my shoulder. “Good night, darling.”

“Good night,” I said, although I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t bear to take my eyes off her beautiful, smiling face. I was just so glad that she was as happy about it as I was. So I stayed up for the rest of the night, for the few hours before the sun began to rise, just watching her sleep; watching my precious angel Gabriele.


	11. Sunrise

Gabi’s POV

“Gabi,” Toni whispered. “Gabi, wake up.”

I opened my eyes. The sky had gotten a little brighter, and there were a few birds making their way across the sky and sand. The view was surreal, even when I was looking at it with half-awoken eyes. “Good morning, Toni,” I yawned, stretching my arms and legs across his body.

“Morning, beautiful,” he smiled. How could he say that even when I was in such an unglamorous state? He sat up and dragged me up with him, handing me my underwear. He already had his clothes on. “The sun is rising.”

I put them back on and leaned my head against him as we watched the sun peek out from the horizon, turning the sky a beautiful orange-red, before slowly rising and settling above the sea. I felt so happy and so safe in Toni’s arms, as if nothing would ever get to me as long as I had him around. I wanted to just sit there forever, in the light morning breeze, in the arms of the love of my life. I never wanted to feel any other way.

But soon after, the little town started waking up. As car engines started revving and the birds started chirping loudly, I stood up and put my shawl back on, before we packed up all the blankets and brought them to a little hut across the beach, where Toni had gotten them.

He took my hand as we started walking back to the resort, but we were only halfway there when we saw our families running down the road towards us.

“Gabi!” my mum yelled. “Where have you been?”

“With me,” Toni said before I could even respond. “We were…um, we were watching the sunrise.”

“Oh,” my mum’s face softened. “Next time, tell us before you go, okay?”

“I told you she was with him!” Amelie whined. “Now can I go back to sleep? Just for an hour?”

Felix came over and punched me on the shoulder. “Your parents woke everyone up trying to look for you. They were so worried.”

“Oh, my God,” I covered my face with my hands. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he laughed as we reached our suites, and both our families disappeared as quickly as they had appeared earlier.

I wrapped my arms around Toni. “See you later, baby.”

“See you,” he whispered, pulling me close for a long, lingering kiss, and then watching me as I went back inside. “I love you,” he mouthed as I closed the door.

“I love you more,” I mouthed back.

“Watching the sunrise, eh?” Amelie muttered as I slipped into the queen-sized bed next to her. “Is that a code name for having sex?”

“Amelie!” I whispered, not wanting to attract the attention of my parents. “We were just watching the sunrise.”

“I didn’t know the sun rose at 2 in the morning.”

And right then, I knew I was busted. “Are you going to tell mum and dad?”

“No! What kind of person do you think I am?” She slowly slid closer to me and started whispering. “Was it good?”

“Amelie,” I warned.

“I’m betting it was,” she said, closing her eyes. “Aw, my baby sister lost her virginity on a beach.”

“Oh, my God, will you just shut up?”

She laughed. “Night, sis.”

——

Soon, summer ended, and Toni focused on football entirely while I started studying journalism in MHMK University. Amelie was already in her third year as an Economics major in LMU.

I had just fallen asleep when I was awoken by the loud sound of leaves rustling on the ground outside my window. There was a scraping sound, and then a pause, and then another scraping sound. I thought it was an animal, so I went back to sleep.

Suddenly, there was a loud thud. And then another one, and another. I turned to look at my window, only to find myself jump when the next stone hit my window. I ran over and looked out.

Toni was standing there on the grass below with a handful of stones, throwing them at my window one by one. ‘’Hey,” he mouthed with a huge grin on his face. I just stared at him, still confused and dazed by sleep.

He laughed, and flung another stone at me. I cringed and dodged as it headed towards my face – except it didn’t hit me, because of the glass window. Embarrassed about what I’d just did, I stood up slowly and shrugged at Toni sheepishly. He started laughing again, letting go of the stones so that they fell to the ground, holding his stomach and curling up in laughter.

I unlocked the window, slid it open and stuck my head out. “What are you doing here?”

“Gabi,” he panted, still laughing. “Oh, your face, Gabi.”

“Hey!” I yelled. “That’s not funny!”

“Come down,” he breathed. “Follow me.”

I slid down the pipe and let him lead me opposite to his house. What was he up to? I watched silently as he opened his front door and pushed me inside, where it was almost pitch dark.

“Did you call me here to watch the sunrise?” I asked him. Of course, I’d told him all about the sunrise thing.

“No,” he chuckled. “Unless you want to.” His hand moved downwards to my ass and squeezed it.

“Shut up, Toni.”

He turned on the lights, dimming them so that they were only bright enough for us to see each other’s faces and our immediate surroundings. I felt my heart speed up as I saw his face, his bright blue eyes glowing despite the dim light, the edges of his mouth curled up in a knowing smile.

He pulled me to the couch and made me sit down. He took out a beautiful, wine red rose, and handed it to me. Then he took out a little blue box and gave it to me. “Open it,” he said.

I opened it. It was a beautiful, glittering silver necklace with a pendant in the shape of a G. I stared at it, amazed by its beauty. “It’s so pretty,” I whispered, and then I looked back at Toni. “Is it expensive?”

He smiled and shook his head, standing up and walking behind me to help me put it on. He sat down behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, his lips grazing my neck softly.

“Happy anniversary, baby,” he murmured. “I couldn’t wait any longer.”

“Toni,” I whispered, checking his phone for the date. 2 in the morning, 26th September. “I didn’t get you anything.”

“You’re the best gift I’ve ever received.”

I pulled his arms more tightly around me. I could barely breathe, but still I didn’t let go. I was drowning in his strong and secure grasp. I loved the feeling of his arms around me, and I never, ever wanted to leave him.

“Gabriele,” he continued. “Ever since I met you that summer two years ago, you’ve been my best friend, and you’ve been there through all my ups and downs, through all my debuts – when I got the Golden Ball and Bronze Shoe in the Under-17 World Cup, you were there; when I made my debut for Bayern and made those two goals, you were there; when I played that unbelievable 20 minutes in Serbia, you were there; and just earlier this month, you were there, watching in the stands, as I made my Under-21 debut and scored a goal. I know you’re going to say that you weren’t exactly  _there_ , but you were always, always in my heart as I played. I am where I am today because of you, even though it really isn’t that far yet. And I just know that with you by my side, I can go even further, because you’ve always been my pillar of strength, and my best friend in the entire world. Thank you, Gabi. Thank you for every single thing you’ve ever done for me. Thank you for letting me love you. I know I might not be the best thing that has happened to you, but I promise, you are the best thing that has happened to me in my entire life. And I want to continue to be by your side, to hold you, to cherish you, and to protect you, just as I have been, because you are my everything, and I love you with all my heart. I can’t believe a year has passed since that night I made you my girl. But as they say, time flies when you’re having fun. And with you, no matter what I do, I’ve enjoyed every second, and I know I’ll enjoy every second to come next. I love you, Gabi baby.”

“Toni,” my voice broke as I said. I turned around to face him, taking both his hands and grabbing them tightly. “Toni, I…you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me, too. I’m so proud to call you my boyfriend, and I’m so proud I got to watch all your firsts. And I hope you never, ever stop doing what you do. No matter what, I’ll always be here, okay? I promise. You mean so much to me, Toni. Thank you. I love you. I love you so much.”

He held my face with both hands, wiping my tears with his thumbs, gazing straight into my eyes, before moving his gaze to my lips. Slowly, deliberately, he moved his face closer to mine, nuzzling his nose against mine, teasing me for a few moments before finally leaning in to kiss me. It was magical, just like every other time, and I felt a shiver rush through my body.

His hand found the small of my back and pulled me closer to him so that I was sitting on his lap. Again I felt something rock hard pressing against me, something that definitely wasn’t Toni’s hand.

As if he was reading my mind, he murmured in my ear, “Gabriele.”

“Horny bastard,” I whispered.

“Gabriele,” he repeated, his lips moving softly against my neck, making me shudder involuntarily. “Gabriele, my sun is rising.”

It was so inappropriate, but I burst out laughing right in his ear. He pulled away, looking at me with a painful, desperate look on his face, his mouth curled up in a slight pout.

“Your sun is rising,” I choked. “Your sun…oh, Toni.”

Tears slowly flowed out of my eyes again as I continued laughing. Toni could do nothing but stare at me, as confused as he was turned on. I hastily wiped my tears with the back of my hand, and then I slipped both my hands under his shirt.

“You’re really pleased to see me,” I whispered. “Do you need some help?” I moved my hands downwards, into the back of his pants, and then slowly, teasingly, to the front, stroking him, playing with him. He finally let out a long, desperate moan and grabbed me by the ass, standing up and using his adrenaline rush to lift me up and carry me up the stairs into his room.

“My sun has risen,” he whispered. “It’s noon.”

“Toni, stop it,” I giggled.

“The people are dying, Gabriele,” he continued. “The sun is too hot.”

“Oooooh,” I joined in. “I’ll make it rain. It’ll rain  _everywhere_.”

“It’s okay,” he suddenly conjured a condom out of nowhere. “I have an umbrella.”

“Jesus Christ, Toni. Do you just have random condoms hanging around the house?”

“Shhhhhh, you’re making it hotter.”

“You can make it rain on my side.”

“Getting in the mood, Gabi?”

“How can I not? The sun is blazing. The sunlight is so  _penetrating_.”

“My sun will always be blazing for my Gabriele.”

Just then, he tripped on the stairs in the dark and fell on his side, with my body half resting on his. “Nooooo,” he groaned, turning onto his back and spreading his arms out in desperation. “Gabi, let’s just do it here. Right here on these steps. I can’t anymore. Gabrieleeeeeeeeeee.”

So I climbed on top of him, and I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face as we made love, once again. I looked into his beautiful, deep blue eyes, and I fell in love for the millionth time.

“Happy anniversary,” I whispered afterwards, as I sat and watched Toni, his eyes closed, a smile still on his face. “I can’t even begin to explain how happy I am to be with you.”

“You never have to,” he said without opening his eyes. “I know exactly how you feel.”

“Really? How?”

“The same way I feel whenever I look at you.”


	12. Bon Voyage

Toni’s POV

“Are you serious?” Felix almost yelled over the phone. “When?”

“Uh, the window closes tomorrow, so…”

“Wow,” he said. “Well, at least you’ll get to play more.”

“Yeah, I guess,” I said. “I’m pretty excited.”

“You should be, I’m excited for you,” he laughed. “All the best, Toni.”

“Thanks,” I said. I sighed when I hung up the phone. I checked the time – it was almost six in the evening, and Gabi should have been back from school, so I went over and climbed into her window.

She was probably having dinner downstairs, because she wasn’t in her room, so I lay down on her bed and buried my head in her pillow, taking in the familiar, comfortable scent.

A while later, the door opened, and a look of surprise came over Gabi’s face as she saw me lying there in her messy sheets.

I patted the empty space next to me. “Come here, baby.”

“What’s wrong?” she asked worriedly as she sat down next to me. “Is anything wrong?”

I said nothing. I sat up and looked at her. I grabbed the back of her head and pressed it close to me. She didn’t say a word, either, until a little while later.

“Are you leaving?” she whispered. I tightened my grip on her. Of course Gabi would always know what I was thinking. “When?” she asked.

“Tomorrow,” I said into her hair.

“Where?”

“Leverkusen.”

“How long?”

“A year and a half.”

“A year…and a half?” her voice disappeared halfway through the sentence. She went silent, her head still pressed in my chest.

We’d been talking about it over the past month, but there really hadn’t been anything concrete from Bayern or any other club. But right then, at the end of the winter transfer window, everything was suddenly settled and I was heading for Bayer Leverkusen.

Gabi just sat there silently, her hands around my waist, not moving a muscle. After a while, I got worried, so I lifted her head.

“You okay?” I asked, sweeping her hair away from her face.

She smiled back up at me. “Yeah,” she said softly. “I’ll always be watching. And waiting.”

“Are you going to cry again, crybaby?”

“No,” she laughed. “I’m really happy.”

“To get rid of me?”

“No!” she jabbed me on the nose. “Because I know you’ll come back a better player.”

“I love you, Gabriele.”

“I love you more, baby.”

“I’ll call you every night,” I promised.

“I don’t mind if you don’t,” she said, running her hands down my face gently. “Just go there and play, and score many goals, okay?”

“Every single goal will be for you,” I told her.

A beautiful smile crept across her face. “Come on,” she stood up and dragged me down the stairs. “I’ll help you pack.”

Gabi’s POV

“All the best, Toni,” Amelie gave Toni’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. “Don’t make Gabi cry. Unless it’s happy tears.”

“I won’t,” he laughed. “Thanks, Amelie.”

She waved at us as the taxi drove off. Toni grabbed my hand, our fingers intertwining, and held it tightly. “I’ll miss you so much,” he said. “Thanks for sending me off.”

“I’ll always be here,” I said, my head on his shoulder, trying not to cry or to let my voice tremble. “Just like I promised.”

Suddenly, he let go of my hand and placed a key in it.

“To my place,” he told me. “In case you miss me.”

“What do you mean  _in case_?” I asked, laughing. “Thanks, Toni.”

I helped him check in his bags, and then we just walked across the terminal hand-in-hand, in complete silence, even though I knew we had so many things we wanted to say to each other. But just his presence, the feeling of his hand in mine, made any words irrelevant.

He gave my hand a squeeze when we reached departures. “You okay, Gabi?”

“Yeah,” I smiled at him. “But…I just…you gave me your key, and I didn’t get you anything. Again.”

“Baby,” he laughed, and then wrapped his arms around me. “I told you you were the best gift I could have ever received.”

I rested my chin on his shoulder. “What are you going to do if your sun rises?”

“Gabriele!”

“Okay, okay,” I teased. “Just don’t watch the sunrise with other girls.”

“Never. There’s only one person I’d ever want to watch the sunrise with.”

“Yourself?”

“GABRIELE!”

I laughed, sticking my face into the crook of his neck, as he laughed along. We stood there for a while, just grabbing on to each other for a little longer, before everything was going to change radically for the next 18 months.

He gave my back two light pats and then he pulled away, holding me by the shoulders and smiling at me. I reached behind my neck and undid my necklace, the one he gave me for our anniversary, and placed it in his hand.

“In case you miss me,” I said. “I’ll be waiting for you to come back and put it on for me again, okay?”

“Okay,” he promised. “I love you, Gabriele.”

“I love you, too,” I smiled. “All the best, baby. Take care of yourself, okay? I’ll be watching. Every single match.”

“You take care of yourself, too,” he ran his hand down my hair. “I’ll miss you so much.”

“Call me, I’ll always have time for you,” I said, and then I leaned over and stuck my mouth beside his ear. “And it’s okay if you watch the sunrise by yourself.”

He laughed and smacked me lightly on the nose, before sticking his hands in my hair and gazing longingly into my eyes. Slowly, his face moved closer to me, before his lips touched mine gently. He pulled away only for a second, and then he moved back in, kissing me harder, more urgently, knowing that this would be the last kiss we’d share for a long time.

Just like any other time, his lips made me forget where I was or what I was supposed to be doing. It was only a while later that I realised he should have been on the way to board his flight.

“Hey,” I whispered, our lips still touching. “You should go.”

“Yeah,” he sighed. “Bye, Gabi.”

“Bye, Toni. Call me. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

I watched as he turned around and walked into the departure hall, pressing my face against the glass window so I could see better. After walking a short distance, he stopped and turned around to find me in the crowd, a gorgeous smile spreading across his face as he spotted me.

He lifted his hand, which had my necklace in it, to his lips, pressing them against the G pendant. “I love you,” he mouthed.

Without breaking eye contact, I reached into my pocket and found his key. I pressed it against my lips. “I love you, too,” I mouthed.

He turned around again and walked away, to the place where he was going to spend the next 18 months alone – but it was that very place from which he would return a better player, and I knew he would soon become one of the names up there together with the best young talents of Bayern, and in Germany.

——

I’d stayed up really late the previous night helping Toni pack, so I was exhausted when I reached home, and I fell asleep once my head hit the pillow. I woke up to find my phone buzzing with three new texts.

“Hey, baby. I landed in Cologne a while ago, now I’m on my way to the training ground. I miss you.”

“I’ve just met the coaches and my teammates. They’re all really nice. Leverkusen is a pretty place. Wish you were here.”

“I’m betting you already fell asleep, sleepyhead. I’ll call you tomorrow. I love you so much. Sweet dreams, sweetheart.”

I turned it off, pulled my blanket back over me and closed my eyes. I let the tears fall, I let them finally fall after holding them in for so long. I’d told myself I wouldn’t cry in front of Toni, that I wouldn’t show any sign of how much I didn’t want him to leave – because I knew it would be for the better, and I didn’t want him to hesitate, change his mind, or be distracted in any way.

He was my lover and my best friend in the entire world. I’d do anything in the world for him, and I’d wait for him to be back just as he’d promised, no matter how long it took.

I curled into a ball, hugging my legs tightly against my chest, biting my lip and crying silently. I wished he was there wrapping his strong arms around me, just like he’d always done whenever I cried, no matter how silly the reason was.

I wished the leaves below my window would suddenly start rustling, and that I’d hear the familiar scraping noise that meant he was climbing up the pipe, through my window, and into my arms.

I wished he was there, right there beside me, trying to squeeze into the bed beside me, tickling me so I’d move over.

I wished that I could tell myself, just like how I’d been doing so for the past few times he’d left, that I just had to wait one more day because he would be back tomorrow. I wished that he would be back tomorrow.

Who was I trying to kid? How was I ever going to get through this?

I lay there for a long while, just thinking about Toni, thinking about everything that we’d done together over the last two and a half years, just letting the thoughts run through my head until I started smiling through my tears.

I got out of bed and went downstairs for dinner, trying to ignore the empty seat beside me, trying to ignore the phantom grip of Toni’s hand on my knee, and trying to ignore the lack of training stories at the dinner table. I ate quickly, quietly, avoiding my family’s concerned glances, and then I returned to my room.

It was already past ten when I finished my uni assignments, but I sat at my window, looking out across the street at the pitch black windows of the house on the opposite side. I wished for the lights to turn on, for Toni’s familiar silhouette to appear at the window and stare back at me.

I reached into my drawer and took out his key. As silently as I could, I crept downstairs to the front door and opened it silently.

“Where are you going?” my mum suddenly emerged from the kitchen and started walking towards me. “It’s so late.”

“Hey, mum,” I said, slipping out the door. “I’m going to bed.”

I turned and crossed the road. I didn’t look at her, but I could still feel her stare on my back as I went to Toni’s front door, unlocked it, and closed it behind me. Looking out the peephole, I saw her stand there for a few more seconds, before closing the door and going back inside.

I went upstairs to Toni’s room and turned the lights on – but the bed wasn’t empty. There was a little brown box on it, next to a nicely folded white shirt and a note.

_My dearest Gabriele,  
Are you reading this on the day I left? If so, you must really miss me. But it’s okay, because I miss you too. I’ll miss you every single day, every single second, but I promise, I’ll do my best and I’ll make you proud, okay?_

_I hope you like the shirt. It’s the one I wore when I played Northern Ireland. Don’t worry, I washed it. It’s probably much too huge for you (it’s too huge for me!), but that’s okay, because then it’ll be easier for us to watch the sunrise ;)_

_As I promised, I’ll be back in summer to visit, so inside the box are four envelopes for each month until then. Don’t open them until the month arrives. I wrote them the night after we were finished packing, so they might show some signs of sleep, but I hope you like them. I love you, baby._

_With all my love,  
Toni_

I unfolded the shirt, the one he wore when he scored on his Under-21 debut, and put it on over mine. It was enormous, the sleeves running below my elbow, but I loved it. It smelt just like him.

Inside the box were four thin envelopes, each of them labelled on the front with the month it was for. I checked my phone, and saw that it wasn’t yet past midnight, so it was still January. Smiling, I dialled Toni’s number. After a few rings, he answered.

“Thank you so much,” I whispered so he wouldn’t know I was crying.

“Have you been crying?”

“No,” I said. He didn’t answer. He knew, of course he knew. He always did. “Okay, yes.”

“We just have to get through this first week, okay?” he said softly. “The first week’s the hardest.”

“Yeah,” I closed my eyes, remembering how quiet Toni was the first week after his family returned to Rostock. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” he said. “Are you going to open the first one after midnight?”

“No,” I told him. “I’m saving it for a bad day.”

“Smart girl,” he chuckled. “Go to sleep, okay? Good night, baby.”

“Good night,” I whispered, turning on my side and balancing the phone on my ear, hugging the box of notes close to my heart, listening to his soft breathing over the phone and as he gently mumbled “I love you,” every few minutes, drowning in the warmth of the jersey that meant so much to him and now to me, knowing that I was wrong before – because as long as we loved each other, we could get through this together. As long as we loved each other, we could get through anything together.


	13. Wake Me Up When May Ends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song accompanying this chapter is Ink by Coldplay

Gabi’s POV

****_FEBRUARY_  
_Dear Gabi,  
Did you know that the Finnish word for February is helmikuu, which means “month of the pearl”? It’s because when droplets of water re-freeze on tree branches, they form ice pearls. I wish you were here with me, searching for the last ice pearls as the weather warms up. Remember to keep yourself warm and drink lots of your favourite hot chocolate :)_

_I’ll probably play my first game this month. I hope you’ll be watching, although maybe it’ll clash with a Bayern match. But it’s okay if you aren’t, because no matter what, you’ll always be in my heart._

_Happy Valentine’s Day, baby. Even though I won’t be there with you, I hope you’ll enjoy yourself, maybe together with Bertha and Elisa while they stare at all the guys who walk past them? Also please accept any cards that any guys give you (I’m sure there will be a ton, just like back in secondary school), I wanna read them and I’ll personally go up to those guys and introduce myself._

_Have a great month, Gabi. You’ll always be on my mind. I love you so much._

_Yours,  
Toni_

I was smiling as I refolded the letter and put it back in its envelope for what seemed like the thousandth time. So much for waiting for a bad day to read it – I’d read It within the first week of February. And I kept taking it back out to read, because every time I read those lines in his handwriting, I felt so warm and comfortable inside.

I had to wait until the end of February for Toni to make his first appearance in a Bayer shirt, and fortunately it was one of those days when the match didn’t clash with a Bayern match. They’d lost the match, but I was happy to see Toni, even if it was just on a TV screen.

I’d been spending a lot more time at Toni’s place, compared to at my place. It was nice to be alone, and the entire house was just filled with his presence – the posters of his favourite tennis players on the walls; the Dallas Mavericks poster on the back of his door; the shirt he wore when he made his Bayern debut, which he’d draped over the back of his chair and refused to keep in the wardrobe together with his other shirts; the single Bayern scarf hanging over his bed; the dent in his wardrobe door from when he accidentally kicked a ball too hard.

After finishing the week’s assignments, which I’d brought over to his house to complete, I decided to write him back for every month, just like how he’d prepared those letters for me. We’d been talking on the phone, but it wasn’t very often, because I never knew when he would be too busy to take my calls. Although we had told each other about our current events, it just wasn’t enough. It was the beginning of March, so I started my February letter.

_Dear Toni,  
I miss you so much. I’ve been sleeping on your bed for the entire month and I hope you don’t mind. It smells so much like you. I can’t wait till you come back and fill up the empty space next to me._

_I kept all the Valentine’s Day cards for you. And I told all of them I have a boyfriend. One of the guys is in our football team, and he said he’d like to challenge you! I told him he’ll never beat my Toni. Nobody will ever beat my Toni. Not in my heart, not on the pitch._

_I saw you play, and I’m really proud. Don’t give up, baby. Never, ever give up. I’ll always be here rooting for you, even if you don’t know it. I’ll never, ever give up on you._

_It’s just the start. There are many better things to come. I love you._

_Gabriele_

——

**MARCH**  
_Gabriele baby,  
Did you know that aquamarine is a birthstone for the month of March? Aquamarine is the exact colour of your beautiful eyes. Your eyes are my favourite eyes in this entire world, and I wish I could look into them forever, because they never fail to take my breath away. My heart stops for a few seconds every time you look at me. Your eyes pierce right into my soul, you know? They almost glow in the dark. I love your beautiful eyes._

_How are your final assignments going? I’m sure you’ll do really well in them, and I’m sure you’ll ace your final exams, you smarty-pants. I wish I could be there to massage your stiff neck. Study hard, okay? And remember to drink lots of water and take your meals regularly. Don’t fall sick!_

_I know you’re tired, but don’t give up! It’s the last lap, and then you’ll have completed your first semester. Whenever you feel like giving up, just remember that in the end, it’ll all be worth it. I’ll always be there in spirit._

_I love you so much._

_Toni_

_~_

_Dear Toni,  
My finals just ended two hours ago, and I just talked to you on the phone an hour ago, but I miss you already. The next time you leave, you should make a recording of your voice so I can play it every day._

_Okay, wait, that’s really creepy. Don’t do that._

_I changed your sheets today, because they began to smell more like me than you :( I’ll wash them for you. I’ll make such a good wife, amirite? How are you going to reward me?_

_Bertha scored a date with a guy today. She just went up to him and invited him to a post-finals party (which obviously didn’t exist before she mentioned it to him). I guess she’ll be dragging Elisa and I down with her. I wish you were here, then I could drag you along, too. To make it a double-and-a-half date._

_Remember the colour of the seawater on the beach in Greece where we watched our first sunrise (like, the literal sunrise, you pig)? Your eyes are the exact colour of the seawater. And it’s my favourite colour, because it’s the colour of all the things I feel happy thinking about._

_With all my love,  
Gabi_

——

**APRIL**  
_Dearest Gabi,  
April’s birthstone is the diamond. And you are the brightest diamond I’ve ever seen, the shiniest star in my sky. You are the most heavenly view in the entire of this universe, and in every other universe that exists. Don’t ever stop shining, Gabriele, my beautiful Gabriele._

_We’re halfway there! I can’t wait to see you again. I hope the flowers you planted along my driveway are already blooming. I’m sure they will, as long as they’re taken care of by you and your cute green thumbs._

_Happy birthday, darling. I’m sorry I can’t be there to celebrate it with you. I hope you have a great day with your family and your friends. You’ll get your present from me when I’m back, okay? Also, I feel it’s really fitting that your birthstone is the diamond. You’re the most precious diamond I’ll ever own._

_Don’t stop smiling, Gabi baby. I want to see you smile as brightly as the summer sky when I’m back._

_I love you._

_Toni_

_~_

_My dearest Toni,  
I love it when you do your spectacular debut thing. I’m so proud I saw your first assist and your first goal. Don’t you dare say that it took too long – it was worth the wait. And I’m sure it’s only the tip of the iceberg. More great things are on their way._

_I’ve been sneaking into my dad’s study to watch your matches whenever you play at the same time as Bayern. Although it means I’ll miss the Bayern matches, I’m really happy that you’re playing so frequently. But don’t get too attached to them, okay? ;)_

_Bertha’s guy kissed her today. Or perhaps, she kissed him. Anyway, they kissed each other, and I’m really happy for her. I wish you were here, so I could kiss you._

_As I’m writing this, we’re more than 75% done. I’m so excited. It’s as if I’m waiting for my phone to finish charging. Except the battery of our love will never run out, because I’ll love you forever._

_Yours,  
Gabriele_

——

**MAY**  
_Gabriele darling,  
The month of May was named after Maia, a Greek goddess who was associated with the Roman goddess of fertility, Bona Dea. I don’t know why that was relevant, but the word fertility reminds me of you, and right now I’m just really sleepy, so…_

_Once you’ve reached this letter, I’ll be back really soon. I really can’t wait, Gabriele. I hope your summer is going well, and that everything is fine with your final results. I’m sure you’ll do really well, because you’re my cute little smartass._

_And your ass is cute, too._

_Okay, I’ll stop here, my brain doesn’t work anymore. I’ll see you really, really soon, Gabi. Please take care of yourself. I miss you so much, even though right now you’re just behind me, sleeping in my bed. I can’t imagine how I would have survived four months._

_I’m going to climb in bed beside you now. I’ll see you in a while, beautiful._

_With all my love,  
Toni_

I put the letter back in its envelope, and the envelope back in the box. I couldn’t believe four months had passed, just like that. I couldn’t believe that in just two days, I would be able to see my Toni again. I just had to get through tomorrow, and then everything would be fine.

The season had officially ended. Less than a day ago, I’d watched Toni play his first cup final, and lose it. He’d called me, and quietly told me that he was just happy he could have stepped onto the pitch. And that was enough for me.

Exhausted, I crawled into his bed in the jersey he’d given me. The last thought on my mind before I fell asleep was how I would wake up tomorrow, write him the last letter, clean up the mess I’d made of his house, and then it would be just one more sleep before he would be standing in front of me once again.


	14. The Good, the Bad, and the Uncalled For

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song accompanying this chapter is All of Me by John Legend

Toni’s POV

The Munich sky was still dark purple as I boarded a taxi at the airport on my way to surprise Gabi. I’d told her I was going to be back a day later, but I’d managed to get an earlier flight. It was barely 7 in the morning when I landed.

I stood outside my house for a long while, just staring at it, taking in the familiar surroundings. I looked across at Gabi’s room, but obviously she wasn’t awake yet. When I finally dragged my bags up the driveway and to my front door, I saw a pair of Gabi’s slippers sitting there beside the welcome mat.

I couldn’t help but smile at the image in my head of her buried under my covers, sleeping peacefully. I opened the door as softly as I could, putting my things down without making a sound. I tiptoed up the stairs and opened my room door softly, only to see her curled up in a ball, facing away from me and towards the window, the jersey with my name on it peeking out from under the sheets.

Trying my hardest not to shake the bed, I climbed in beside her and lay there silently, watching her shoulders rise and fall, listening to her heavy breathing. Even though she was asleep and all I could see was her back, it was so mesmerising. I completely lost track of time as I lay there and watched her.

The sun was already shining brightly through the window when she suddenly rolled over, her eyes still closed. She stretched out her arm and accidentally smacked me in the face.

“Oh, sorry,” she grunted, without opening her eyes. And then she just lay there, facing the ceiling.

Suddenly, her eyes shot open, and her head spun around in my direction. A look of complete surprise, disbelief and confusion took over her face as she sat upright, stared at me some more, and then pounced on me, pushing me over and knocking us both off the bed.

“TONI!!!” she screamed so loudly I was sure she woke up the entire neighbourhood.

“Hey, baby,” I laughed as she continued to stare at me, grabbing my face with both hands, her legs straddling my body. I looked straight into her beautiful blue eyes, just savouring the view, the beautiful view of her almost transparent, yet glowing, eyes – still filled with the deepest look of disbelief I’d ever seen. Her hands moved softly across my face, the look of confusion never going away, as if she couldn’t believe that I was really there.

“Are you really here?” she whispered. “Is this really you? Am I dreaming?”

“Yeah, it’s me,” I whispered back. Her hair had fallen over her face, so I reached over and put it behind her ear, leaving my hand on her cheek. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“Oh, my God,” she stuck her face in my neck. “Me too. Me too, Toni. I…oh, Toni.”

“Shhhhh, just…just let me hold you.”

I wrapped my arms around her, and the both of us just lay there without moving, although the floor was cold and hard. She rested her lips gently on my collarbones, kissing them so softly I could barely feel it.

Gabriele, oh my Gabriele. I was so happy to have her in my arms once again. I never wanted to let her go. Not a single night passed in Leverkusen when she didn’t cross my mind. I knew she hesitated to call me because she didn’t want to disturb me, but I couldn’t bear to not hear her voice.

Only half a year had passed. There was still an entire year of my loan to go. But I didn’t want to think about it. I had Gabi in my arms once again, and it was all I’d been wanting for the past few months.

I finally lifted Gabi’s head off me only to see tears streaming uncontrollably down her face. “What’s wrong?” I asked, sitting up and using my thumbs to dry her tears. “Gabi, don’t cry, please. I love you so much.”

“Yeah,” she choked, new tears still rolling down her cheeks. “No…yeah, I…I missed you so much. I…you…I missed you so much…it hurts. It hurts so much.”

“Baby,” I whispered, pressing her head tightly against me. “I’m so sorry.”

“No,” she said, her voice still quivering. “Don’t be sorry. I shouldn’t…I shouldn’t have said that. You have to do this…okay? You have to do this.”

“I love you so much.”

“I love you, too,” she lifted her head to smile at me, although there were still blotches of tears on her face. “Aren’t you supposed to be back tomorrow?”

“I got an earlier flight,” I said. “I wanted to surprise you.”

“You nearly gave me a heart attack,” she giggled, and then puckered her lips. “Kiss me better.”

Without taking my eyes off her deliciously beautiful ones, I leaned over and gave her a gentle peck on the lips. “Like that?” I teased.

“Toniiiiiiiii,” she leaned her forehead against mine.

I laughed and leaned in again, this time for longer, for so long I forgot where I was or who I was. I felt her body make a shudder of relief as she moaned softly against my lips. I was completely taken away by the familiar taste of her lips.

They tasted of all the nights we’d stayed up late talking on the phone, treasuring the few precious moments we had whenever I didn’t have training. Like the bittersweet feeling I got in my chest whenever I thought of her sitting alone on her couch, a Bayer game playing on the TV instead of a Bayern one.

They tasted like the time we walked under the sudden summer showers, when it was raining while the sun was still shining brightly, and she looked at me and told me that was exactly how it felt to love me; that I made her hot and cold at the same time. Like the time when we stayed up until 4 in the morning because the stray cat on our street was late to drink her milk, and Gabi wanted to make sure it did, so we sat there on the sidewalk waiting, just talking about life.

They tasted like every single time she’d ever told me she loved me. Like the peacefulness when she slept, and the joy when she was awake. 

They tasted like just how I knew them, and just how I loved them.

“Just like that,” she whispered as she finally pulled away. She got off my lap and dragged me downstairs. “Come on, I’ll make you breakfast.”

“Aren’t you hungry?” I asked as she brought one plate over to me and just sat there staring at me lovingly. She shook her head, her eyes filled completely with happiness, and continued staring at me as I ate.

Suddenly, she stood up and ran back upstairs, reappearing moments later with the little brown box filled with the letters that I’d given her. She plopped down beside me and handed the box to me. “Open it,” she said, a look of excitement taking over her face.

I opened it. Inside were three new envelopes that had replaced the ones I’d left there for her, labelled with the months February, March and April.

“I was going to write the May one today,” she said. “Looks like I don’t have to anymore.”

“You wrote back?” the warm feeling in my chest rose so quickly that it almost robbed me of my voice. “Oh, Gabi.”

“Read them,” she said excitedly. She leaned her head on the back of the couch and gazed at me dreamily as I opened the envelopes one by one and read every single sentence she wrote.

Gabi’s POV

I couldn’t take my eyes off his face. How could I ever? I sat and watched as he read the letters I wrote him, never wiping the smile off his face, occasionally chuckling softly.

He put the letters back into the box when he was done, and then he turned and looked at me. A huge smile crept across his face as he spread out his arms and said, “Come here, Gabi baby.”

So I slid my way over to him and wrapped my arms tightly around him. His hands moved gently up and down my back as he kissed the side of my hair, whispering, “I love you so much, Gabriele.”

“Here’s your May letter,” I whispered back, just overcome by his presence, not wanting to speak too loudly, not wanting to ruin the peacefulness of being in his arms. “Dear Toni, I love you so much. In case you can’t already tell, I’m so, so happy that your arms are around me right now. I wish you would never let go. But I know you have to a month later, or most likely a week later, when you leave for the U-21 Euros, and it seems so short, but I’m sure I’ll enjoy every moment with you. I hope you enjoyed your stay in Leverkusen with your other girlfriend, which is football, but I hope you won’t forget me. Even though we’re already 100% done today, we’re really only a third of the way through this entire thing. But as long as you’re happy, and as long as you’re enjoying yourself doing what you love, I’ll always be here waiting. I’ll always love you, Toni. Thank you for being my best friend and my favourite person in the entire universe. With all my love, Gabriele.”

“Gabi,” he said, his voice quivering. He lifted my face from him, and reached into his pocket to take out my necklace and put it back around my neck. “It’s back where it belongs,” he said, and I smiled at him.

He leaned back, lying flat on his back on the couch, his arms still wrapped tightly around me, pressing my head tightly against his chest and resting his lips on the top of my head. I draped a leg across his body, wanting to be as close to him as possible. We just lay there in the early afternoon sunshine, just lay there silently, listening to each other breathe, drowning in the presence of each other after being apart for so long.

——

My parents had gone on a holiday together, just the both of them, and Amelie was also on vacation with her boyfriend, so I was at home alone getting a head start on my summer assignment. I was taking a break and scrolling through the news on my laptop when I came across a headline that interested me: “Horst Hrubesch names 23-man squad for 2009 Under-21 European Championships.”

With one hand on the mouse to click the headline, I reached my other hand out towards my phone, preparing to text Toni and ask him why he didn’t tell me about it. “Congrats baby,” I typed. “When are you leaving?”

Before pressing send, I decided to read the article. And it was fortunate that I did, because sending that message would have made things a lot worse than they already were.

I read the list of names once, and then twice, and many more times, but there was no mistaking it. Right there in the tenth spot – the number 10 jersey that Toni wore in the U-19 team, the number 10 jersey that I’d expected him to wear now in the U-21 team – was another name. It wasn’t number 10, Toni Kroos; it was number 10, Mesut Özil. I checked all the other numbers, but there wasn’t any sign of his name at all.

I reached into my drawer and grabbed the key that he’d given me. I fumbled my way downstairs and across the road to his front door. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t told me about this, that he hadn’t let me know so I could’ve helped him through. He hadn’t been talking to me much since yesterday, and I thought he should’ve already received the call to join the team, that today’s announcement was only a formality. I could only imagine how disappointed he was right then.

I rang the doorbell and waited, but nobody came, so I unlocked the door myself and ran straight upstairs to his room.

He was lying there on his bed, facing away, not moving a muscle. I went and sat beside him, but he continued staring into space, not acknowledging my presence. He had a slight stubble, as if he hadn’t shaved for the past few days. My heart broke at the sight of his dishevelled appearance.

“Toni,” I called softly. “Baby, you okay?”

I put a hand on his shoulder and tried to turn him around, but he refused to budge. I stood up and walked over to the other side of the bed, quickly grabbing his hands so that he wouldn’t turn the other way to avoid me.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. He didn’t answer me, but he closed his eyes and shook his head. “You know I’m always here for you, right? Toni, baby.”

His eyes remained closed, and his body unmoving. I raised one hand to touch his face softly, running it down his short stubble, wanting so badly for him to know how much I loved him, and how proud I would always be of him, no matter what tournament he did or did not participate in.

After a while, he opened his eyes and lifted his gaze to my face. “I’m so sorry I’ve let you down,” he whispered.

“No,” I said. “You haven’t. And I believe you never will. I told you that I’d be by your side no matter what happens. I promised you that, and I will never break that promise as far as I can help it. I only want you to be happy. That’s all I’ll ever want. I don’t love you for the goals you score or the trophies you win, Toni. I love you for you. And that will never, ever change. The U-21 is the last step before the senior team, but it isn’t the only way you can break in. After all, it’s just one tournament, and nobody will ever forget all the glorious things you’ve done before this. I’m sure better things will come, I’m really sure, because I believe in you. I believe that one day you, too, will be strutting your stuff out there on the world stage.”

He didn’t respond, instead he just continued staring at me sadly. His beautiful seawater eyes, those eyes that always made me feel so happy and so warm inside, were filled with so much disappointment and confusion.

“I’m sorry you felt that you shouldn’t have told me,” I continued. “But I’ll always be here, whenever you need me, however you need me, for whatever reason at all. Please don’t be like this, baby. I love you so much. Please be strong.”

He pulled his hands out of mine and turned to face the other side, still not uttering a single word. I climbed in behind him and wrapped my arms and legs around him, holding on to him tightly as his body started shivering with his soft sobs.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “Gabi, I’m so sorry.”

“Shhhh,” I mumbled. “Please don’t say that.”

He grabbed my arms and pulled them more tightly around him. “Don’t ever leave me,” he whispered again.

“Never,” I promised. “I’ll never leave you.”

I held on to him for as long as I could, occasionally whispering “I love you,” until he stopped shivering and his breathing became regular as he fell asleep. His eyes were bloodshot when I looked into them earlier, and I knew he hadn’t been sleeping well. It broke my heart to think that he had to go through it alone.

He was still grabbing on to my hand tightly as the sun slowly set and the room became dark. Slowly, gently, I removed myself from his grasp and draped his blanket over him, making sure he was comfortable. I gave him a soft kiss on his head, and then headed downstairs to make dinner for him.

Toni’s POV

The room was dark when I woke up, and Gabi was gone. I made my way downstairs and saw her sprawled out on the couch, asleep, the TV on at low volume. I couldn’t help but smile at the sight. She looked so innocent, her hair messed up by sleep and her mouth slightly open. I was so happy that she’d come over earlier, even though I didn’t know how to face her after such disappointing news. But just as usual, she made everything better.  

It was already past 10 at night. I sat down beside her and shook her gently. “Gabi,” I called, my voice still messed up from crying and sleeping. “Do you want to go to bed?”

She opened her eyes slightly to glance at me, and then she sat up and smiled. “Hey,” she said. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah,” I smiled.

“I made dinner for us,” she said, standing up and stretching. “I’ll go get it.”

I reached over and grabbed her arm, dragging her back so she plopped down on my lap. I looked straight into her clear blue eyes and kissed her, because I had no words to describe how I felt when she was beside me, when she told me she’d always support me, and when she made any bad situation more positive. I had no words to describe how much I loved her and how lucky I felt to have her. There were no words I could possibly find to describe the warmth that rushed through my entire body and the feeling of complete blissfulness that accompanied her presence.

“I love you,” I whispered. “Thank you so much.”

She ran her hands through my messy hair, smiling against my lips. “I love you too, baby. I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

I gave her nose a pinch as she stood up and brought dinner to me. And as we ate together, as her hand slowly crept over and grabbed on to mine, I knew that everything was going to be alright. I knew that as long as I had Gabriele, and as long as I believed in myself as much as she believed in me, everything would turn out just fine.


	15. Always With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song accompanying this chapter is Indian Summer by Marlene

Gabi’s POV

“They won it,” Toni whispered into my hair. “They won it without me.”

“Toni…don’t be like this.”

He smiled at me, with only the slightest hint of sadness in his eyes. “Yeah, I’m happy for them.”

I rested my head on his shoulder as we watched the team lift the cup on TV. I knew he was still disappointed that he couldn’t be there, but he watched every single match they played. I made sure to be there holding his hand whenever he did, so that he wouldn’t think negative thoughts about himself.

I didn’t notice I’d been staring at him until he asked me, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Nothing,” I giggled.

“Tell me why,” he said, poking me in the sides and making me jump. “Your eyes are making holes in me.”

I took out my phone, opened my latest email, and showed it to him. He looked confused at first, and then his eyes widened when he realised what was going on.

“A transfer?” he asked me. “Why?”

“Where will you be next month?”

“Leverkusen?”

“Read the email again. The entire thing.”

“Ms. Gabriele Meiser,” he read out loud. “We are pleased to inform you that your application for a transfer to MHMK University (Campus Cologne) for one semester (winter semester 2009/10) has been  _successful_.” His mouth fell open as he realised what that meant. “Cologne? That’s less than an hour away from me!”

“Yeah, it is.”

“Gabriele!” he grabbed me and shook me. “You’re really going over? Really? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I wanted to surprise you,” I laughed, poking his nose. “Are you happy?”

“YES!” he yelled. “Of course I’m happy! Oh, my God, you can stay with me, I stay in Mülheim, near the river, and it’s so close. Oh, Gabi. I can’t wait!”

I laughed. He was just like a little boy whose mother promised him a new toy. “You’re so excited.”

“How do you expect me not to be excited?!”

“I’m excited, too,” I smiled and reached up to run my hands through his sandy blonde hair.

“What did your parents say about this?”

“They’re fine as long as I graduate.”

“Oh, Gabi,” he smiled, gazing dreamily at me, his hands moving to cup my cheeks.

“Why are  _you_  staring at me like that?”

“Because I love you so much and I never ever want to take my eyes off you and I can’t wait until you move in with me and we can spend every single moment of every single day together and you can go and watch all my matches!” he said in one breath.

“Wow,” I giggled. “Yeah, that’s worth a stare.”

“It’s worth more than a stare,” he whispered, leaning in and pressing his lips gently against mine. “Mmm, I could do this every single day.”

“You will,” I reminded him. “You’re never going to leave me alone ever again, okay?”

“Okay,” he promised. “I love you so much, Gabriele.”

“I love you too,” I smiled as he leaned over and kissed me again. Four months without him had been horribly hard, and I couldn’t imagine what it would have been like to live another year apart from him. But now I could spend an entire semester with him, which meant almost the entire season left of his loan.

I could be by his side again as he did what he had to do with Bayer, to fight for playing time back in Bayern, and to pull through this disappointing time in his life.

And there was nothing I wanted more.

Toni’s POV

Gabriele dumped all her stuff at the front door of the apartment and headed straight into the room, leaving me to move everything inside. I heard her jump and land on the bed, before she let out a loud, satisfied moan.

“Your bed is so comfy,” she said as I stood at the bedroom door, her voice muffled by the sheets.

I went and flopped over beside her. “It isn’t as comfy if the other side isn’t filled up.”

She turned around and beamed at me. “I’ll always be here to fill up the other side of your bed,” she said, her hand reaching over to mine and holding it tightly.

“Thanks for coming over,” I said.

“Yeah,” she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I don’t know anyone here, though.”

“It’s okay, you know me,” I told her. “And all the guys at uni who will drool over you, as usual.”

“Stop it,” she laughed. “I only have eyes for you.”

“I don’t blame them,” I continued. “My Gabi is gorgeous.”

“Stop,” she whispered. She let go of my hand and sat upright. “Don’t say that anymore.”

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I sat up and turned her to face me. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, no, I just…” she sighed and ran her hand through her hair in frustration. “I don’t like the attention.”

She’d always been the school belle, in secondary school and even in uni back in Munich. She didn’t like to admit it, but she was one of the most attractive girls in school, as Elisa, Bertha and Amelie always said. Guys went after her. She’d always told me about it when we were just friends, but when we got together she stopped talking about them for obvious reasons.

“I don’t understand,” she continued, turning her gaze downwards. “Is it that easy? Why is it so easy for them to decide that they want to be with me? Is it just because of my looks? It doesn’t last. Looks don’t last. And I don’t even look good. My hair colour is weird, and my eye colour is weird, and they both don’t match, and my cheeks are so puffy and so are my eyes, and my hair is so frizzy, and…why? Are looks that important? I just want people to like me for who I am, and not because they think it’s important to have a good-looking friend. Or girlfriend. I hate it when people give me looks when I walk around school, or when guys check me out. I hate it. I feel like I’m constantly being judged by my appearance. I could be an evil person deep inside, and they wouldn’t care, and they’d all still want to hook up with me because they think I’m hot. And I’m not that kind of girl. I’m not that kind of girl who dates a jock because it gives me popularity, and I’m not that kind of girl who sleeps with a different guy every week. I’m not, but everybody thinks I am, and I…” she turned away and buried her face in her hands. “Oh, my God, I’m so sorry for rambling.”

“Gabi,” I said, but she didn’t look up. “Gabi, listen to me. It doesn’t matter what those people think about you. What about Elisa and Bertha? They aren’t your best friends just because of your appearance. And me? I love you, Gabi. Not just because you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, but because you’re beautiful on the inside as well. It’s the people who are closest to you that matter. Gabi, please don’t take them too seriously.”

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled. “Please don’t ever be jealous of those guys.”

“Oh, Gabi,” I laughed and reached over to hug her. “I will never be. I know you inside out, and I’m not with you just because you’re hot. Which you really are, by the way. God damn, you’re hot. But that’s not it. You understand me, and I understand you, and everything just doesn’t feel right without you. And I really don’t mind if you talk to me about them, because I trust you with everything I have, and I wish you wouldn’t torture yourself by keeping things to yourself like this.”

“Yeah,” she tilted her face and kissed my cheek. “I love you so much.”

“I love you, too,” I said. “And I won’t stop telling you how beautiful you are, because I truly think you are the most gorgeous girl on this planet, and I really mean it when I say it.”

She giggled. “Everyone in this world could tell me that I’m gorgeous, but the only person I’ll believe is you.”

She moved to the head of the bed and leaned on the headboard, pulling me along beside her, and then we just sat there and talked about things. About every single thing we never had the chance to talk about because we’d been busy ever since I went back to Munich for that one month, about all the testosterone-fuelled guys in her school, and about all the things we were going to do together over the next year.

“You know, I’m so glad we can still be best friends although we’re together,” I told her.

“You mean, you’re glad I can tell you straight in the face that you’ve screwed up, instead of going behind your back and gossiping with my other girlfriends?”

“Exactly.”

“And that I can talk to you about guys trying to chase me even though you are the one who is competing with them?”

“Bingo.”

She laughed, the sound of raindrops on a hot summer’s day. “Yeah, I’m glad too,” she said, and then she laughed again. “I just tried thinking of a way to combine ‘best friend’ and ‘boyfriend,’ and all I thought of was ‘best boyfriend,’ and that is the most accurate phrase to describe you.” She turned me to face her and gave me a soft kiss. “Thank you for being the best boyfriend in the world.”

“Awwww,” I laughed. “Thank you for being the best girlfriend.”

She went quiet for a long while, before she suddenly heaved a huge sigh.

“You know…” she started. “Have you ever thought that…we are actually just…friends with benefits?”

“How?”

“We were just friends for a really long time…and then we started, you know, kissing and stuff, I mean, we’re still best friends and we can talk about anything, and it’s like…I don’t know. Like we’re just best friends who have sex, instead of a couple who are best friends.”

“Well…I don’t know about you,” I said. “But when I look at you, or when you look at me, I feel things that ‘just friends’ don’t feel. I can barely breathe when I look at you, Gabi. And not just because I can touch you in whatever way I want. Because I love you. And I’m not doing this, I’m not being in this relationship just for physical reasons. I mean, wow, Gabi, you have no idea. I just…okay, feel this.”

I grabbed her hand and placed it over my heart, letting her feel it, letting her know it beat just for her, that it accelerated just for her.

“I feel so comfortable, Gabi,” I continued. “I’d rather be best friends with my girlfriend than to have her need to turn to someone else for her biggest problems and deepest secrets. I’d rather be able to pour out everything to her than to have us keep secrets from each other because we’re afraid of judgement. I’d rather have the most fun I could ever have in my life with my girlfriend than with anyone else. And I’m glad we don’t ever have to try to impress one another in order to keep this love alive.”

She stared at her hand for a long while. “Wow,” she whispered. “This is the most romantic thing anyone has ever said or done for me.”

“I love you so much, Gabriele,” I said. “And I’m sorry if you feel like I’m just your friend with benefits, but I just want to let you know that you aren’t mine. You’re my girlfriend. The emotions you make me feel are much more important than the physical things you make me feel. I would do anything for you, Gabi. Anything at all.”

“Me, too,” she said. I could tell she was crying, because she suddenly buried her face in my shoulder. “I’m sorry I said that. You’re not my friend with benefits. I love you. I’m sorry I’m so emotional and insecure. I just don’t…see what you see in me.”

“You’ll see it someday. I’ll make you see it. I’ll make you see how perfect you are.”

“Nobody’s perfect, Toni.”

“Then I’ll make you see how perfectly imperfect you are.”

She laughed. “Hey…you know that thing with your heart?”

“Yeah?”

She grabbed my hand and put it over her heart. “Mine does that, too.”

“Awwww, Gabi.”

“Don’t squeeze my boobs.”

“I’m not going to,” I said, and I really wasn’t, but then she mentioned it, and I couldn’t resist doing it. “Okay, I did it. Sorry.”

“Damn it, it feels uneven now. You have to squeeze the other side.”

“How about we just…” I grabbed her and dragged her onto my lap so she was straddling me. “Go all the way?”

“Jesus, Toni,” she laughed, grabbing my face and kissing me. “Does your sun rise at random times of the day?”

“Maybe, but it only rises for you.”

“You have to squeeze the other boob first.”

“Okay, okay. Happy now?”

“Yes,” she giggled. “Oh, Toni. We’re going to have the best time here together.”


	16. Doesn't Matter What They Say

Gabi’s POV

Toni had just ended training, so I was making my way out of campus to meet him for dinner when suddenly someone fell in step beside me.

“Hey, gorgeous,” a low male voice said.

I looked up and saw the same guy that had tried to hit on me for the last couple of weeks. Josef, his name was. He was an immensely well-sculpted bodybuilder, but he was infamous for hitting on girls. I’d tried to make it clear that I wasn’t interested, but he just wouldn’t give up.

“What do you want?” I asked him.

“You.”

I rolled my eyes. “Go away.”

“Are you free tonight? Or tomorrow? Saturday? Just go on one date with me. Just one.”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“One that you should change.”

I laughed. “Yeah, you’re really funny. Please get away from me.”

“I’m not going to give up so easily, you know?” he chuckled. “I’m going to get you one day.”

Suddenly, I felt a hand grab on to my waist. “Hey, babe,” Toni greeted me. “Who is this?”

“Oh, look,” I said to Josef. “My  _boyfriend_  is here.”

“Seriously?” he took one look at Toni and burst out laughing. “Wow. You can do better.”

“If you think you’re better, then you really think too much of yourself,” I removed Toni’s hand from my waist and held on to it. “Have fun with yourself, Josef.”

We turned and walked away together, when suddenly I felt something grab hold of my butt and give it a squeeze. “Damn, it’s as good as it looks,” Josef breathed into my ear.

I spun around and gave him a hard slap on the cheek. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!” I yelled. “Do you think behaving this way will increase your chances of getting me? The fuck it won’t! I said no, I told you no a million times over the last month, and the answer will always be no! Why do you think so highly of yourself? I’m not just some object that you can use to satisfy yourself. And I won’t ever be! Get a fucking grip on yourself and stay the fuck away from me, jackass!”

He stood there staring at me, holding on to his cheek. A slow smile spread across his face. “You’re hotter when you’re angry.”

“Shut your filthy mouth!”

Toni started glaring at him, and then he put an arm around me and started pulling me away, “Shhhh,” he whispered. “Baby, it’s not worth it.”

“What are you looking at?” Josef yelled at him. “Fight me, pussy.”

“Hey!” I yelled back, struggling to escape Toni’s arms. “You mess with me, that’s fine, but you don’t fucking mess with my boyfriend.”

Toni pushed me behind him and took three long strides, landing directly in front of Josef. He was at least half a head shorter than Josef, but he stuck his face up close and pulled at his collar.

“I’m not the type of guy who’ll beat someone up,” he muttered. “But if you’re inviting me, I won’t hesitate to do it.”

Josef laughed straight in his face, before he looked down and saw the Bayer crest peeking out from under Toni’s jacket.

“Oh, I see, he’s a footballer,” he laughed again, looking behind Toni at me. “How many guys did you sleep with? How many people did you bribe to get this  _boyfriend_  of yours?” He shifted his taunting gaze to Toni. “How much do you pay her for every fuck?”

“You shut your mouth,” Toni gritted his teeth. “You shut your fucking mouth right now.”

“What are you going to do, kick me?” he pushed Toni backwards. “You’re just a stick. You’re tiny. What can you do to me? You’ll probably fly all the way to France when I use this.” He raised a fist and held it close to Toni’s face, his biceps bulging and threatening to rip the sleeve of his shirt.

Toni didn’t flinch. He didn’t flinch at all. I saw him move his right foot backwards, and I knew exactly what he was going to do. And Josef didn’t. He thought Toni was going to turn and run away in fear. So he pulled his fist back, ready to make the move before he ran.

But he didn’t make it. As if he was taking another of his accurate as hell free kicks or trying another of his glorious long shots, Toni flicked his foot forward in one swift move and hit Josef straight in the knee, like it was a football.

“Fuck!” Josef yelled, falling to the ground and holding his knee with both hands. “You little fucker.”

“Who’s the one flying to France now?” Toni asked, walking backwards in my direction. He unzipped his jacket and pointed to the Bayer crest, and then his number 39 on his chest. “Remember me. You fucking watch me, and every single goal I score with this foot will remind you never to mess with me or my girlfriend.”

By then, a small crowd had gathered to watch our little scene, so Toni wrapped his arms around me and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before pulling me along.

Toni’s POV

I guessed that dude was notorious for chasing skirts, because some people in the little crowd actually started clapping as we walked away. A girl and her boyfriend even thanked us softly.

“Thank you,” her boyfriend said as we passed. “I’ll be watching you, dude. Number 39. I’ll be watching you.”

But it wasn’t over, even though he was just sitting there in a helpless heap. He couldn’t move his leg, but he could move his mouth.

“Whore,” he yelled after us. “You’re a fucking whore, Gabriele.”

Gabi stopped walking. She froze in place, her eyes staring straight in front, her hands still grabbing tightly on to my arms, which were still wound around her body. I could feel the collective holding of breaths as the crowd waited for our response.

I wanted to turn around and beat him to a pulp, but I didn’t want to make things worse than they already were. And I didn’t want to leave Gabi alone. So I held on tightly to her and pulled her forward. “Gabi, baby,” I said to her softly. “Just keep walking. Keep walking, Gabi. I love you.”

She didn’t answer, but she started to walk again. She waited until we were a safe distance away from the campus and from the entire scene. And then she suddenly stopped walking and turned to look me in the eyes.

“Whore,” she whispered. Tears started falling from her beautiful blue eyes. “He called me a whore.”

“Gabriele, darling, you’re not a whore. Anyone who knows you knows that. Baby, please ignore him.”

“A whore,” she repeated, her voice almost disappearing. “That’s…that’s the worst thing anyone has ever…called me.”

“Gabi…” I started, but she suddenly fell to her knees on the ground, before she plopped down on her butt and sat there in the middle of the sidewalk. “Gabi, baby, let’s get home, okay?” I said, trying to lift her up, but she refused to budge.

“I…Toni, I…” she choked on her tears. “I’m so sorry you had to see that.”

“It’s okay, honey,” I tried pulling her up again. “Will you please get up so we can go home?”

“NO!” she yelled. “Just let me…let me think. I need to think. Toni, I…leave me alone.”

“Can you at least think on a bench?”

She shook her head stubbornly and continued sitting there, so I sat down beside her and held her tightly, even though she’d asked me to leave her alone. I could never, ever leave her alone, my precious Gabriele. I sat there and tried my best to calm her down as she sobbed into my shoulder, even though all the passers-by gave us weird looks for blocking the way.

“Baby, please,” I whispered. “Please stop crying. It doesn’t matter what he thinks about you, as long as you know for yourself who you truly are. You’re the most beautiful, most faithful girl I’ve ever met, Gabi. Don’t let some spiteful jackass knock you off. Please, Gabi. Please don’t cry.”

She buried her face deep in my shoulder and started sobbing loudly. “I’m so sorry,” she mumbled. “I’m so sorry you had to see that. It’s enough that it happens to me. I don’t want you to get dragged into it. I’m so sorry, Toni. I’m so sorry I’m such a burden to you.”

“Shhhhhhh, baby,” I stroked her back gently, my heart slowly breaking with every word she uttered. “Please don’t say that. I love you more than anything else, Gabi. Please don’t cry anymore. I’ll always be here for you.”

“I’m so sorry,” she sobbed over and over again.

“No,” I ran my hand up and down her hair. “Please don’t be sorry.  _I’m_ sorry, Gabi. I’m sorry you had to come over here, that you had to meet that guy. I’m so sorry. I’m always here, okay baby? Please don’t cry. I love you so much. No matter what, I will always love you, Gabi. Please don’t care what other people think about you.”

She shook her head against me, never looking up, still crying uncontrollably. I felt so helpless, and I felt that I’d let her down again. I’d promised myself that I’d always protect her, yet here I could only watch as she was completely broken by that asshole’s words. And it was all my fault, because she’d moved here just for me.

I pressed her face as close to me as I could, wishing that she knew how much I loved her, wishing that she knew it hurt me as much as it hurt her. I held her tightly as her sobs slowly faded, until she finally lifted her eyes to look at me. I swept her hair clear of her wet, tear-stained face, and placed my lips gently on her head.

“Feeling better?” I asked. She nodded, but her eyes were still full of hurt and anger. “Let’s go eat something, okay? You’ve got to be hungry from all this crying.”

I stood up and pulled her along. She held on tightly to my hand, her fingers intertwining with mine, but she never said a word to me throughout the entire journey. I had a feeling that she didn’t want to hang out too long in front of so many people, especially since her face was all messed up from crying, so I just quickly ordered takeout and brought it back to the apartment.


	17. Kiss Me Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mature! ;)

Toni’s POV

Gabi sat on the couch in a daze, refusing to take a single bite of the food. I scooped a spoonful and tried to feed her, but she refused to open her mouth.

“Come on, baby,” I said. “Please eat something.”

She shook her head. “I’m not hungry,” she said, just as her stomach started growling.

“Your stomach thinks otherwise,” I told her. “Don’t be like this, Gabi.”

“No.”

“You don’t like the food?”

“No.”

“What do you want? I’ll cook for you.”

She pointed to her lips. “Kiss me better.”

“Oh, so that’s how it works,” I said, putting the spoon down and shifting closer to her. I slowly moved my face nearer to her, inch by inch, until my lips were almost touching hers. She moved her head forward to kiss me, but I stopped her.

I traced her cheekbones with my nose, my lips barely touching her skin, all the way to her ear. I felt her tense up, her hands balling up into fists, as I intentionally breathed heavily into her ear, “One kiss for every bite you take.”

“But –“

“Come on,” I picked up the spoon and lifted it up, moving it quickly towards her mouth. “The plane is coming!”

She burst out laughing, and I took the opportunity to stuff the spoon in her mouth. I was so happy to hear her laugh again.

“I hate you,” she said, her mouth full.

“Swallow your food,” I said. “Good girl, now here’s your kiss,” I smiled, leaning over to do just that.

“I’m not a baby,” she whined.

“You’re my baby,” I told her, picking up another spoonful. “It’s coming again!”

She reached out to touch my thigh, slowly stroking it, moving her hand upwards towards my sensitive parts. “That’s how you’re going to describe yourself later,” she whispered suggestively, biting her lip and batting her eyelashes at me.

I rolled my eyes and tried my best to ignore her, although obviously it was really hard for me. (What was hard? Feeding her was hard. Ignoring her was hard. And so were certain parts of me. And feeding her while trying to ignore that those parts were hard just made everything even harder.  _Everything was hard._ )

I fed her spoonful after spoonful as quickly as I could as she continued groping me all over. Suddenly, her hands slipped into the back of my shirt, making me shiver and drop the spoon.

“Look what you’ve done, naughty girl,” I picked up the spoon and waggled it at her. She just stared back at me with her big blue eyes, pleading with me. “Jesus, Gabi,” I picked up all the leftovers and walked into the kitchen to place them in the fridge.

I turned around only to walk straight into Gabi, who was just standing there behind me, waiting. She pressed her body hard against mine, pushing me hard against the wall. “I can’t wait,” she whispered into my ear. “I know you can’t wait, too.”

I pushed off the wall as she started kissing me, wanting to lead her to the bedroom, but she stopped me when we were halfway there.

“No, stop,” she mumbled in between kisses. “Here. Right here. Right here against the wall, Toni baby. Right here.”

“Funky,” I murmured, slipping my hands under her shirt.

“Fuck me hard, Toni,” she whispered. “Take all the pain away.”

That was all I would ever need to hear. I pinned her against the wall and ran my lips down her neck as she unzipped my jeans eagerly, reaching into my back pocket for my wallet before letting them fall to the ground.

She dug through it urgently, a wide smile spreading across her face as she found a condom. “I knew it,” she beamed. “My baby wouldn’t go out without an umbrella.”

I quickly stripped her off her clothes until all that was left was her bra and panties. She was so eager, she almost ripped my shirt as she took it off. Her hands ran gently, teasingly over my parts, before she looked me right in the eyes with her piercing, passionate blue ones and used her teeth to rip the condom packet.

I shivered as her hands returned below and put it on for me, before her lips returned to mine and she started biting hard on my lower lip. I reached behind her and undid her bra, which she flung over my face playfully. Oh, Gabriele.

She grabbed both my hands and guided them to her bare breasts, lifting her head to whisper softly in my ear, “No hands allowed,” she said, thrusting her pelvis so that it rubbed agonisingly over mine. “Use your teeth.”

“Gabriele,” I whispered. “You naughty, naughty girl.”

With my hands still in hers, I knelt down, my knees barely being able to support me anymore, and placed my lips gently on her hip bones. Taking the fabric of her underwear in between my teeth, I slowly pulled it down her thighs, kissing them on the way down, and then past her knees until they fell at her feet. Her never-ending legs, those beautiful, toned legs.

Gabi’s POV

He kissed his way back up my legs, the inside of my thighs, every inch of them, everywhere. He stuck his head in between my thighs and started kissing my sensitive parts, parting it gently with his lips and extending his tongue inside.

“Toni,” I mumbled, but he just continued frenching my clit, lifting one of my thighs and draping it over his shoulder. I ran my fingers through his hair, not being able to control myself when I yanked on it, hard. “TONI!”

He put his hands on my waist and slowly, teasingly kissed his way back up, making sure his lips touched every inch of my torso, until his face was back in front of mine. “Yes?” he mumbled. “You like that, baby?”

His hands moved down my hips and landed on my thighs. As slow and gentle as he always was, he entered me, gripping my thighs tightly and lifting them to wrap around his waist, pressing me hard against the wall.

He started moving his hips slowly, his head lazily moving over my shoulder and his lips over the side of my neck, before they made their way back to my mouth. I crossed my feet behind his back, pushing him deeper and propping myself up so that his hands were free to explore my body again.

They went directly to my face, cupping it gently as he traced his lips along my hairline. And then, of course, they moved downwards to my boobs and started fondling them.

“Harder, baby,” I panted. “I don’t care if you break me into pieces.”

His hands returned to my thighs and supported them as he started slamming into me, whacking me hard against the wall, but I didn’t care one bit. His lips left mine as I tilted my head back in pleasure. He nibbled gently on my collarbones, his tongue slipping out slightly and running over them.

My lips found their way back to his, but I couldn’t resist biting down hard on them when the next wave of pleasure arrived. I felt him breathe hard on my neck as I moved my face back behind his ear, unable to stop the soft grunts escaping my mouth.

“Oh, God,” he gave a slight shudder, his lips leaving my skin as he gave a loud moan which I guessed the neighbours could also hear. “Gabi. GABRIELE!”

I was so turned on whenever he yelled my name like that. And as he thrust a few more times, banging me hard against the wall and making loud thumping sounds, I felt something build up in my belly, as if I was on the uphill part of a rollercoaster ride – and then suddenly, the most magical, explosive, satisfying feeling spread throughout my entire body, coursing through every single vein, shaking every single bone.

I gasped loudly, taking in a huge breath of air and holding it as my body rocked with wave after wave of pleasure, before I collapsed against him. But he’d already stopped moving, and he couldn’t take it anymore, so we landed in a heap on the floor, our arms still wound tightly around each other.

“Toni,” I whispered against his neck.

“Oh, Gabi.”

“Together?”

“Together.”

“Oh my God, Toni,” I placed my lips gently behind his ear. “That was the best one we ever had.”

“Wow,” he gasped. “I mean, yeah. Yeah, it was. Wow.”

Toni’s POV

It was the best. It was the very best. Nothing came close to beating it and nothing would ever. I lifted Gabi’s face from my shoulder and kissed her. “I love you so much, baby.”

She smiled and closed her eyes. “I love you, too.”

I wrapped my sweaty arms back around her, the both of us just lying there on the hard floor, too exhausted to move. Suddenly, Gabi tensed up, her entire body going rigid, as if she’d remembered something. She pried herself out of my arms and sat up.

“What’s wrong?” I sat up as well, and tried to put my arms around her again, but she pushed them away. “Gabi, what’s wrong?”

“He’s right,” she whispered. “I’m a whore.”

“What? No, Gabi. You’re not. Please don’t ever say that.”

“I just used sex to solve all my problems,” she looked at me with complete dismay in her eyes, and then shifted her gaze back downwards. “I just did. I just did it.”

“Gabi, look at me,” I grabbed her face with both hands, using my thumbs to stop any tears from falling. “Listen to me, okay? Don’t care what he ever said. Only you know yourself. You know yourself the best, and I like to believe that after that comes me. So listen to me, okay? Do you trust me?”

“Yeah,” she whispered. “Of course I do.”

“Do you love me?”

“I love you.”

“Have you ever had sex with someone you don’t love?”

“You…you’re my only.”

“For money?”

“No,” she whispered again, and then she looked down as her tears started falling. Her hand instinctively went to her neck, where she wore the necklace I gave her for our anniversary. “But…but you’re rich, and I –“

“Have you ever taken any of that money?”

“No…”

“Then you’re not a whore, Gabriele. No matter what anyone ever says about you, I know you’re not. And you should know, too. Just because he called you one doesn’t makeyou one. Don’t let his words hurt you like that, Gabi. Don’t let it break you, don’t let it change who you are, and don’t ever, ever let it doubt who you are or what you want to be. Gabi, only you know who you truly are. Nothing should ever change that. Nothing can. And no one can, not even me. There’s nothing wrong if you use sex to relieve your problems, to forget about things, even if it’s just for that moment. And for as long as I live, I will give you everything, Gabriele. Everything. Everything you want, everything you need. For as long as you live, I will love you, and it won’t matter what other people think about you. Because as long as I love you, and you love me, nothing will ever tear me apart from you. You’re stuck with me for the rest of your life, Gabi. Forever.”

She stuck her face in my chest and started crying silently, her arms reaching behind me and pulling me tightly against her. No matter how hard I tried to let go of her, or pull her along to the couch or to a more comfortable place, she still kept her arms around me and refused to get up.

“Shhhh, baby,” I whispered. “Please don’t cry. Don’t be like this, Gabi. It hurts me so much.”

She lifted her head and looked at me, mild confusion still in her eyes, but there was also a slight hint of longing. She reached up and grabbed my face, leaning her head against mine.

“I’m not stuck with you,” she said. “ _You_  are stuck with  _me_. You’re stuck with a hopeless, emotional, train wreck of a girl who doesn’t know how to do anything but cry. You’re stuck with horny boys randomly groping your girlfriend’s ass and whistling at her when she walks down the street. You’re stuck with people looking at your girlfriend with nothing else going through their heads except the thought of her naked in their beds. You’re stuck with your girlfriend forever being haunted by the fact that nobody appreciates her for her character. You’re stuck with your girlfriend who will never believe she is as attractive as everyone makes her out to be. Because she’s not. I don’t believe I am. And now you’re stuck with me. You’re stuck with me, Toni.”

“Gabi, there’s no one else I’d rather be stuck with,” I told her. “There’s no one else I’d rather hold in my arms and comfort, no one else’s problems I’d rather listen to, no one else I’d rather have to live with for the rest of my life. Anyone can make me sad, or angry, or disappointed. But only you could ever break me in all the right ways, make me so frustrated or helpless,  _and then_  manage to fix me up again. You might be a train wreck, Gabi, but there’s no other train wreck I’d rather try to salvage.”

She raised her hands and covered her face as her tears started falling again, but I could see the slight curl of the side of her lips.

“You need to stop being so romantic,” she mumbled.

“I’m not just  _being romantic_ ,” I poked her in the ribs so she’d remove her hands from her face. “I mean everything I say.”

She smiled. She finally smiled. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. Thanks for being my train wreck.”

“I’m sorry I always doubt myself so much. I trust you so much, Toni. I trust you more than anything or anyone else. I know sometimes it doesn’t seem that way, but I really do.”

“I know,” I said. “Don’t worry about it, Gabi.”

She wrapped her arms around me tightly, so I put mine around her as well, but suddenly she winced. “Ouch,” she whispered.

I checked to see where the pain was coming from, and I looked at her back only to see redness near the small of her back and on her shoulder blades, bruises slowly forming.

“Oh, my God, I’m so sorry,” I pressed the spots gently with my thumbs. “Does it hurt a lot?”

She rested her cheek on my shoulder. “You made me sore everywhere.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Well, you asked for the hard against the wall thing.”

“It was awesome, Toni. Don’t even try to deny it.”

“I’m not,” I laughed again. I stood up, ran to get her some clean clothes, and pushed her to the bathroom. “Have a warm shower, okay? I’ll give you a nice massage later.”

“Sounds like the start of a porno.”

“You’re really horny today.”

“Toni and Gabi make a porno.”

“Shut up, Gabi.”

“I have high rates, okay?” she said as she closed the bathroom door, laughing loudly. “I’m an expensive whore.”

I put my clothes back on and stood outside the bathroom creepily, listening as she showered. Suddenly, I wondered if she was really joking, so I stuck my ear against the door and tried to hear if she was sobbing.

A few seconds later, the water stopped running.

“Stop eavesdropping on me!” she yelled.

“Hurry up, I miss you already.”

She laughed again, and the water ran for a few more minutes before I heard her dress herself. She opened the door and smiled when she saw me standing there.

“Your turn,” she said.

“I’ll shower later,” I bent down and scooped her off her feet and into my arms. “Come on, let’s make you less sore.”

I put her down on the bed and flipped her over onto her belly, and then I grabbed a bottle of massage oil, lifted her shirt and spread it all over her back.

“This really is like the start of a porno,” she said, her voice muffled by the pillow.

“Gabi, stop it,” I said. Even if she didn’t know it, it hurt me that she thought that way of herself.

“There’s no one else I’d rather make a porno with.”

“Please don’t say that about yourself, Gabi. Please don’t…degrade yourself. Don’t you ever think that your body is something you should use in that way. Because your body is the most beautiful, most precious thing to me. Even if you don’t know it. You are mine, okay? I’m not going to share you. I love you, Gabi. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.”

She giggled into the pillow. “I’m kidding, Toni. Don’t be so serious.”

“Don’t let him get to you, okay?”

“Yeah, baby,” she said, turning her head to face me. “Can’t hear him over the great sex we just had.”

We were laughing and joking as I continued to rub her back, until she finally closed her eyes and fell asleep. She was snoring gently as I pulled her shirt back down and tucked her under the blankets. My beautiful Gabriele. Please forget everything that happened today. Except maybe the great sex. But even if you forget that, it won’t matter. Because I’m sure we’ll relive that some other day.

I went and took a quick shower, and by the time I’d returned to bed, Gabi had turned onto her side. I climbed in beside her and saw a post-it note stuck to my pillow.

“I love you,” she’d written on it.

I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her gently on the cheek as I settled down behind her. “Sweet dreams, Gabi,” I whispered. “I love you more.”


	18. Let Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song accompanying this chapter is Love Someone by Jason Mraz.

Gabi’s POV

Toni came to pick me up from school every day after that incident, except when he had to leave for midweek away matches. He was always there without fail, standing at the first corner of the street on the way to the bus station. It didn’t matter if he had to rush over from training, neither did it matter that he had to make a huge detour. He was always there.

He was always there at that very corner where I broke down and sat there like a stubborn child, sobbing my face off; that very corner where he chose to sit beside me and hold me as I cried it out instead of just walking away. That corner where I broke down, that corner where he picked me up. He was always there, unknowingly reminding me that he’d always be there for me when I’m down, being by my side no matter how hard other people were going to judge me. Unknowingly reminding me that I’d never have to turn any corner alone.

Every time he came back from training, I’d ask him if he got into trouble for hitting Josef. If he’d received any complaints or any fine. He would smile at me and patiently tell me that he didn’t, every single time I felt insecure and asked him.

“Don’t worry, Gabi,” he would say. “The charges for sexual harassment are much more than the charges I would ever receive if he reported me. You’re not the only person he’s done all these things to, Gabi. I’m willing to bet that all those girls watching are on our side.”

It was as if that entire event had spurred him on, because he started whacking in goals for Leverkusen like nobody’s business.  And every single time, he’d tell me the goal was for me. Whether it was outside the BayArena or at our front door, he’d take me into his arms and whisper in my ear, “Another goal for my Gabriele. Gabriele, my lucky star.”

I was smiling as I dumped a bag of ice in a bucket and filled it up with water. Just as I placed it on the living room floor, Toni unlocked the front door.

“Hey,” he smiled and wrapped me in a huge hug. He’d gone out for dinner with his teammates after a match against Gladbach, the last of the Hindrunde, so I’d returned to the apartment alone to wait for him. “I already said this, but – two goals for my Gabriele!”

I laughed and dragged him over to the couch. I made him sit down, and then I rolled up his pants, lifted his feet and put them in the ice water.

“Oh, yes,” he gave a satisfied groan, and then put an arm around me and leaned back on the couch. “Thanks, baby.”

“Thanks for the goals,” I laughed. “Thanks for the winning goal.”

“I didn’t know you support Bayer now.”

“I support  _you_ , Toni.”

He kissed the top of my head. “Thank you so much. I’m sorry you have to miss all the Bayern matches.”

“It’s okay.”

“It really means a lot to me.”

“Really?” I asked, and he nodded. “Phew.”

He laughed. “What was that for?”

“Nothing,” I said. He lifted my head and stared at me, raising an eyebrow. “Okay, okay. It’s just…you’ve done so much for me, and I feel like whatever I do won’t ever be enough.”

“Oh, Gabi,” he chuckled. “All you have to do is be happy, okay? Just be happy, and that’s enough for me. You don’t have to do anything else for me. Nothing at all.”

“Okay,” I said. “Damn it, how are you so smooth? How do you make everything okay? You make everything okay. Just like that. Without even trying.”

“I won’t be able to make anything okay if you don’t let me in the first place,” he said. “So it isn’t as much of me as it is you trusting me.”

“…you just did it again.”

He gave up and shrugged his shoulders. “Can’t help it if you fall for my smoothness.”

“How many girls have you charmed with these lips?” I teased, leaning over to kiss them.

“Let me see…” he played along. “Just one. Her name is…wait…I think it starts with G. Or is it J? I can’t remember.”

“How sincere of you, Toni.”

“There’s only one girl I’ll ever try to charm.”

“The one whose name starts with J?”

“Gabriele…” he warned, and then he started laughing. “Now I remember, that’s her name.”

“Damn it, Toni! Stop being so smooth.”

“I’m rough in other ways,” he said, giving my waist a squeeze.

“Okay, stop. Stop, don’t be horny.”

“Only if you stop doubting yourself.”

I sighed. “Okay, yeah. I’ll stop. I love you, Toni.”

“I love you, too,” he said. “Don’t you ever, ever forget that.”

“I won’t,” I promised. “I never will.”

I would never forget the way I felt when he looked at me, when my heart melted completely and I just wanted to lie on the ground and smile to myself; or the look of utter happiness that swept across his face whenever he caught sight of me approaching him on that street corner; the jolt of electricity that shot through my body whenever he touched me; the irrepressible warmness that rose in my heart whenever he tried (and succeeded) to charm my socks off. I knew he loved me; every single thing he did reinforced it. I just didn’t understand why.

So I leaned into his strong arms, and let my mind wander. I let it wander to the same night it always did whenever I doubted myself. The same night that made me realise that there was no real reason we could love someone, the night that made me realise I didn’t need to know _why_ , as long as I knew  _how_.

_It was almost two years ago, and I woke up to the brightest moonlight I’d ever seen in my entire life piercing through my curtains, and I looked out only to see the largest, roundest winter moon hanging in the sky. It was past 3 in the morning when I crunched my way up Toni’s snow-covered driveway and thumped loudly on the door – at that time, he hadn’t passed me his key yet – and it seemed like an eternity had passed before he opened the door._

_“Yeah?” he asked, his eyes half-open, his hair in a complete mess._

_I grabbed him and pulled him outside. “Look!” I gestured towards the moon. “It’s so beautiful.”_

_He opened his eyes a little more and glanced at it. “Yeah, yeah it is. Can I go back to sleep? I’m really tired.”_

_“Noooooo,” I whined. I grabbed his jacket and forced him to put it on, and then I dragged him to his backyard and pushed him onto the ground, in the snow. I lay down beside him and looked up at the glorious full moon. “Stay here with me.”_

_“Jesus, it’s cold,” he shivered._

_“It’s snow, Toni. Did you expect it to be warm?”_

_He started shivering more violently, but he never got up, so I ran inside and got a stack of blankets to wrap around him. “Better?” I asked._

_“I wanna go to bed,” he whined, closing his eyes._

_I used my fingers to pry his eyes open. “Look at the moon, baby.”_

_To pacify me, he stared at it for a few minutes, and then shifted his gaze to me. “Yeah, it’s really beautiful,” he said. “Just like you.”_

_“Are you saying I’m as round as the moon?”_

_“No,” he never took his eyes off me. “I’m saying you’re as beautiful as the moon.”_

_I smiled, not sure how to respond; at that time, we were only four months and counting. My parents didn’t even know about us yet._

_“Snowball fight!” I yelled, grabbing a handful of snow and chucking it at his face. He cringed and sat up, shaking the snow off him, before looking at me cheekily._

_“You asked for it!” he yelled, standing up and chasing me around the yard as I continued flinging blobs of snow in his direction. When I tripped on my feet and fell over, he pounced on me, wrapping his arms around me and pinning me against the ground. “Gotcha!”_

_“Let me go,” I giggled. I grabbed a handful of snow and sprinkled it over his head._

_“Never,” he whispered. “I’m never going to let you go.”_

_I smiled, and ran the back of my gloves down his cold skin to warm him up. “Thanks for hanging out with me in the cold.”_

_“I’m not cold anymore,” he said. “You make me so warm inside, Gabi.”_

_“So do you,” I whispered._

_I lifted my head and kissed his frozen lips. He was gazing dreamily at me when I pulled away, his seawater eyes piercing straight through me, filled with a look of ultimate bliss on top of his exhaustion._

_He’d spent the entire day having intensive training with Bayern, but yet there he was, rolling around in the snow with me at ungodly hours of the night. The tiredness in his eyes was unmistakable, but there he was, lying there because I’d asked him to._

_“You make me so alive,” he whispered._

_And right then, I knew it was real. I looked into those weary eyes, and I knew. I knew that this would last, that our feelings for each other weren’t simply going to be just a half-year thing. I knew that he was willing to do anything for me, and that I was willing to do the same. I knew I was going to mean it every time I told him I loved him._

_I would never, ever forget that night, the night when Toni sacrificed his precious sleep for me, just so we could lie there in the snow and make snow angels, catch snowflakes on our tongues, watch the enormous moon, and just talk. The night when Toni chose to lie in the cold with me even though all he wanted was to sleep. It was so simple, but there it was. The simplest of actions, just lying there in the snow together, but it taught me one of the most valuable things I’d ever learn._

_I would never forget that night, when I realised that the feelings we had towards each other could never be put into words – they might not even be able to be put into actions. When I realised that he might never know exactly how much I loved him, because love wasn’t what was put into words, neither was it simply the sweet, romantic little things we did for each other every day, nor the feelings we get whenever we see that person._

_Love was what we were willing to sacrifice for each other at the weakest points of our lives, when we were exhausted, helpless, or angry. We may never end up doing it, but we still would if the time came. Love was knowing that he might never see it, and he might never know exactly how or why, but still being willing to try, to care and to watch silently. Love was letting all your problems go and trusting the person who made you do it. Love wasn’t what we could get; love was what we could give. Love wasn’t just holding on; love was pulling it close, no matter how much it hurt, or how tired we were._

_Love was shown in what could be overseen as the most meaningless of actions – or love couldn’t ever be shown. Love was what we thought about, deep inside our minds. And once in a while, someone comes along, and lets you spill it all out. Someone like Toni._

_It was that night when I figured out what love was, just by looking into Toni’s eyes, and it was the most beautiful thing to ever happen to me. I wanted to live that night forever. I wanted to live those feelings over and over again. I wanted to catch them in my hands and put them in a jar in my room, knowing that when I turned off the lights, it would glow with all the colours of the rainbow, like all the galaxies in the universe, that it would forever remind me how this boy, who started out just being my neighbour, managed to make me feel things I never thought I’d feel._

_That was the night I found out that whenever I was in doubt of anything at all, I’d find the answer just by looking into Toni’s eyes._

Every time I thought of Josef, of why I ever decided to move to Cologne, I’d remember that night, and I’d remember the reason why.

Besides, our time in Cologne so far was just filled with so much fun and adventure. I wouldn’t reject any opportunity to do it again with Toni. There was no one else in this world I’d rather move in with, and there was no one else in this world I could possibly have had so much fun with.

I looked at Toni again, and felt that familiar rush of emotion overcome my body, almost taking my breath away. He smiled at me, and I smiled back, because I knew how I felt when I looked at him wasn’t just because he was the most beautiful boy I’d ever seen, or just because I wanted to kiss him all over. It was because I knew I’d go to the ends of the earth for him; because I knew I would do anything, anything at all, without any questions, without any hesitation, for him. It wouldn’t matter how much it hurt me to do it. I would. I would even move to Cologne for good if he decided to stay at Bayer.

And I smiled because I knew he was right. I didn’t feel this way because he made me feel this way. I felt this way because I  _let him_  make me feel this way.

And that was how I was going to love him for the rest of my life – by giving myself to him, even if I didn’t think I deserved a boy like him; by letting him love me, even if I didn’t love myself.


	19. Our World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song accompanying this chapter is Marry Me by Jason Derulo.

Gabi’s POV

Just as I did every morning out of habit, I swung my hand across the bed towards Toni – except he wasn’t there. I turned around – his side of the bed was indeed empty, and the smell of sausages was wafting in through the crack of the door.

I went outside and saw him in the kitchen cooking, but before I could creep up to him, he turned around and jumped in shock when he saw me.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, his eyes wide open. “It’s too early for you to be up. Go back. Go back to bed, Gabi.” He grabbed me by the shoulders, spun me around, and pushed me back into the room.

I sat on the bed in a daze, wondering exactly what he was up to this time. A while later, he opened the door and peeked in. He smiled when he saw me sitting there, dishevelled and confused. He walked inside with a tray in his hands, containing a plate fully laden with sausages, eggs, and bacon, and a glass of orange juice.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, baby,” he said as he placed the tray on the bed and gave me a long, long kiss on the lips.

Toni’s POV

She stared at me, still confused, and then she suddenly hit me on the shoulder. “Why do you always do this to me?” she whined.

“What?” I laughed, walking to the other side and sitting down beside her.

“Make me feel like the happiest and luckiest girl alive.”

I smiled. “That’s my girl.”

“Please tell me you made some for yourself.”

“Yeah, hold on,” I said. I went and grabbed my plate and came back to sit beside her. “Come on, let’s eat.”

She stared at my plate. “Why do you have so little?” she asked. “Are you trying to make me fat?” She started transferring food from her plate to mine.

“Are  _you_  trying to make me fat?”

“Yeah, so we can roll around together,” she said, giggling. “Aww, your smoothness rubbed off on me.”

She started digging into her plate hungrily, so I joined in. Suddenly, she got up and ran to the wardrobe, rummaging through the back until she found a small box.

She ran back to me happily and shoved the box into my lap. “I got you something this time,” she smiled proudly. “I know it’s really lame, and it probably doesn’t match up to whatever you’ve given me, but I hope you like it anyway.”

I laughed. Of course I’d like it. I’d like anything she gave me. I opened the box – it was a watch, one that resembled my older one, which I’d accidentally smashed when I dropped it.

Gabi was looking at me eagerly, so I gave her a kiss on the head and told her, “I love it. Thank you, baby.”

She smiled and started digging into her plate again. “Are you seriously going to put it on now?” she asked as I tried it on. “Don’t wear a watch around at home, it looks so lame.”

“Hey!” I laughed. “I never want to take it off.”

Her hands went immediately to her neck, where she always wore the necklace that I’d given her – except this time, it wasn’t there. I watched as her eyes widened, her hands slapping her neck trying to find it. She stood up, a look of complete fear on her face, placed our plates and glasses on the table, and started ruffling the sheets around.

“Where is it?” she asked, looking at me in dismay. “Where’s my necklace? Did you see it?”

Before I could respond, she ran out into the living room and started messing up the couch trying to find it, before she started crawling around on the floor examining every inch of it. She ran around the apartment, opening every drawer and every wardrobe, but she couldn’t find it.

I stopped her when she grabbed the keys and tried to leave. “Hey, hey,” I grabbed her waist from the back. “Where are you going?”

“Retracing my steps,” she said, tears brimming in her eyes. “I need to find it, Toni. You gave it to me. I can’t lose it. I can’t –”

“Shhhh, baby,” I reached into my pocket and took it out. “Here it is.”

I dangled it in front of her face as she took it in. I’d stolen it from her and added another pendant, this time a T, so both of our names were on it.

“Don’t cry, okay?” I continued. “I just added something on it.”

“Oh, my God,” she whispered, clutching at it and staring at it dreamily, the tears finally falling from her eyes. “I hate you.”

“Too bad, I love you.”

She turned around and wrapped her arms tightly around me silently. I lifted her face and wiped her tears with my thumbs. Then I took the necklace from her and helped her put it on again.

“We’ll always be together, okay?” I patted the T and the G. “Always.”

She poked me on the nose. “One day I will beat you at this whole  _being smooth_  thing.”

I leaned my head against hers. “Never,” I whispered.

“I love it,” she said, touching the pendants, which clinked when she moved. “And I love you. I love you so much.”

“I love you, too,” I said, moving my face closer until our lips met.

We went back to bed and finished our breakfast, before Gabi got up and cleared the plates. She returned to the bed, lay her head back on the pillows and sighed loudly.

“What’s wrong?” I asked her.

“I don’t wanna leave,” she whined. She’d only applied for a single semester at Cologne, and she had to return to Munich in time for the summer semester next month. “I wanna be with you.”

“Awww,” I lay back beside her. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

She smiled and closed her eyes. “I loved playing house with you, Toni.”

“Yeah,” I whispered, moving closer to her. “You’ll make a good wife.”

She giggled. “I don’t mind being your wife if I get breakfast in bed every day.”

“What do you mean you _don’t mind_?” I teased. “Is that all? You  _don’t mind_  being my wife? When I ask you, ‘Gabi, will you marry me?’ will you shrug and say, ‘I don’t mind, Toni’?”

“Yeah, maybe I will,” she burst out laughing, and she couldn’t stop. “Oh, my God, that’s a good idea,” she choked.

“Gabi!” I started tickling her ribs, making her laugh even more and thrash around on the bed.

“Okay, okay!” she screamed. “I’ll say ‘hell yes, Toni, make me your woman,’ and then we’ll go home and have rough sex against the wall again.”

“That’s more like it,” I laughed as we both calmed down and lay there in each other’s arms. “I had the best time here with you, Gabi.”

“Me too,” she turned and kissed me on the cheek. “It was the best time of my life.”

It sounded so clichéd, but it was the truth. All those months in Mülheim, just the both of us, alone there with nobody to depend on but each other, living alone and taking care of each other like an old married couple – it made us so much stronger and so much closer.

“You know, it made me realise something,” I told her. “It made me realise that I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“Is that a proposal?”

“Maybe.”

“Well…” she giggled. “ _I don’t mind_.”

“Hey!” I poked her on the nose.

“You said when,” she turned around so she was facing me. “ _When_ you ask me to marry you _,_ not  _if._ You know what that means, right?”

“What?” I teased, although I knew what she was trying to say.

She laughed, grabbed the back of my head and pulled me towards her so she could kiss me.

“It means that’s a promise,” she whispered. She gave a soft, satisfied sigh and smiled against my lips. “I’m the luckiest girl alive.”

“And I’m the luckiest boy alive,” I mumbled. “Because I got to kiss these lips.”

——

“Are you going to score against Bayern?” Gabi asked. “ _On my birthday?_ ”

“No…” I said. “But –“

“I’m kidding, Toni. I don’t care if you score against them.”

“You’re heartless.”

She smiled. “That’s because I gave you my heart.”

“Smooth.”

“Yes!” she punched the air. “I’m learning fast.”

She skipped ahead of me as we walked towards the BayArena. She’d specially flown over from Munich to watch me play, even though her semester back in Munich had already re-started. I’d told her she didn’t need to, but she insisted, because she said she wanted to see me play. I knew she secretly just wanted to watch Bayern play.

She turned around and grinned at me. “Hurry up, slowpoke,” she yelled. She waited for me to catch up, hooking her arm in mine and leaning her head on my shoulder. “I’m so glad I can watch you play again.”

“Really? Or are you glad you can watch Bayern play?”

“Both.”

I laughed and grabbed her by the cheeks, squishing them together. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” she tried her best to say with her cheeks still squished, which made me laugh even more. She puckered her lips. “I feel like a fish. Kiss me, Toni.”

So I kissed her, right there outside the BayArena, outside the door to the locker rooms, before I went on the pitch to play against her favourite team. I kissed her until I almost completely forgot that I was going to do exactly that.

Suddenly, someone grabbed me by the arm and started dragging me away. “Where are you going?” Gabi mumbled, pulling me closer. “Don’t leave me yet.”

I opened my eyes and saw that it was Lars. I put my hand on his face and pushed him away. “Go away, Bender. I haven’t seen her in three weeks.”

“We haven’t seen  _a single point_  in three weeks,” he said.

“Okay, okay,” I gave Gabi one last kiss as she pouted. “See you later, baby.”

“Remember my birthday present.”

I grinned at her as Lars started pulling me along. “You have no idea, Gabi.”

Gabi’s POV

Obviously, the ticket Toni had gotten me was for the Bayer section, so I could only sit there awkwardly and try not to celebrate out loud as Bayern scored the first goal – as usual.

Suddenly, I felt really guilty that I’d guilt-tripped him earlier. It didn’t matter if he scored against Bayern, even on my birthday. In fact, I wished a little that he would score. And that was when I realised: I’d chosen him over Bayern, the team I’d been supporting since I was 7.

I smiled. Oh, Toni. What have you done to me? I hope you score today, just a little, but I’m not going to tell you that. Score against them, okay baby? Make them want to take you back.

As if he’d heard me, he glanced slightly in my direction as he stood ready for a free kick. And then he took his usual short run-up and flicked the ball over the wall and towards goal – except it didn’t really make it there. It bounced off the post and back into play, but Arturo Vidal was there to ram it into the back of the net, and suddenly, less than ten minutes after they’d gone behind, Bayer were level.

I buried my face in my shirt as the supporters around me jumped up in excitement. He’d heard me. Or at least he’d read my mind. I never believed that was possible, but how could I explain whatever that had just happened?

I sat on the steps outside the BayArena waiting for him after the match, even after the crowd had thinned and I was the only person left there. After a brief period of quiet, a rowdy crowd appeared behind me. I turned around and saw that it was Toni and his teammates, who were slapping him on the back and telling him how good a job he did.

I could tell Toni was embarrassed, because he was blushing slightly and looking downwards, but his eyes lit up when he saw me sitting there. He ran up to me excitedly, escaping the smothering grasps of his teammates, and sat down beside me. “Hey, lucky star.”

I smiled. “You were great.”

“Can you say something else? They already said that about 42 million times,” he gestured to the group behind him, who were watching us and nudging each other.

“Okay, um…that was the best birthday present ever.”

“Aww, really?”

“Yeah,” I grinned.

As if he’d forgotten that there were a huge group of guys right there behind us, he stuck his hand in my hair and started kissing me eagerly.

I pulled away quickly as they started whooping loudly. “Toni…”

“Sorry,” he laughed, standing up and pulling me along. “Bye, guys. See you in training.”

“Bye, Toni. And happy birthday, future Mrs. Kroos.”

“Oh, my God,” I whispered in embarrassment, and Toni elbowed me in the ribs with a mischievous look on his face.

We walked a distance away before Toni leaned in and asked, “Are they gone?”

I looked behind us and saw that they were walking in another direction, so I nodded. A wide, cheeky grin spread across his face, but before I could respond, he grabbed my face tightly and pulled me roughly against him, pressing his lips against mine and sending pleasant shivers up and down my spine.

“I’ve missed you so much,” he said in between kisses. “Gabi, baby.”

“You saw me three hours ago,” I told him.

“Three weeks,” he corrected, his fingers running through my hair. “Three weeks ago, you left, and we never picked up a single point since.”

“You did today. You got one point.”

“Because you’re back,” he pulled away and smiled at me. “You’re my lucky star.”

“Shut up,” I felt the heat rush up my cheeks, so I looked down.

He touched my chin and made me look at him. “Thanks for coming over,” he said. “Thanks for spending your birthday here, even though it’s already night now and I couldn’t spend time with you earlier.”

“It’s okay,” I said. “I got to watch you. And Bayern.”

He laughed. “I tried, Gabi. I tried to score.”

“Yeah, naughty boy,” I poked him on the nose. “But it’s okay. That was nice. You know, I was thinking, ‘wouldn’t it be nice if Toni scored and showed them why they should bring him back next season?’ And then three seconds later, your shot hit the post.”

“Awwww,” he smiled. “Told you you’re my lucky star.”

I wrapped my arms around his waist. “Then I’m never going to leave you. I’m going to stick on to you for the rest of my life, and annoy the shit out of you.”

“Good, free constipation medication.”

I rolled my eyes. “How are you a footballer? You’re so  _lame._ ”

“Come on,” he laughed and wrapped an arm around me as we continued walking. “Let’s give the birthday girl a nice treat.”

I leaned my head on his shoulder. “Oh, Toni, you’re the best treat I’ve ever gotten in my life.”


	20. New Additions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song accompanying this chapter is Bonfire Heart by James Blunt.

Toni’s POV

“So, are you going back?” Felix asked as we waited to collect our bags, together with our parents.

“No,” I said immediately.

He laughed. “Really? Don’t you want to think about it first?”

“I’ve been thinking about it for the past few weeks,” I told him. “They offered me a pay rise. And first-team football.”

“Then why didn’t you accept it?”

“I love Bayern. I know I’ve only been here for like, two years? Three years? But I love it here. And I want to fight for it, I want to achieve greater things with this team. And since they’ve also called me back, how could I reject them?”

“And you want to be with Gabi.”

“Yeah…and I want to be with Gabi.”

“Aww, you guys are so sweet,” he punched me on the shoulder.

We grabbed our bags and headed out to arrivals, where the first person I saw was Gabi, standing there waiting for us patiently. She stood upright when she saw us, keeping her eyes fixed on us as we crossed the barrier, and then she started running towards us.

“Hi,” she breathed into my ear as she crashed into me. “Hey, guys,” she said to Felix and my parents, who smiled back at her.

“Hey, Gabi,” Felix said, giving her a gentle pat on the back. “It’s nice to see you again.”

“Yeah, you too,” she smiled. She grabbed my hand, and we fell behind, letting the three of them walk ahead of us. “How’s everything?” she asked me.

“Everything’s fine,” I smiled back at her. “How about you?”

“Me, too. Thanks for coming back.”

“Where else would I go?”

“Rostock?”

I laughed. “Yeah, I dragged them back here.”

Her eyes widened in shock. “Really? Why? Shouldn’t you guys be back at Rostock then?”

“They’re at Rostock every day,” I told her. “Maybe it’s time for them to come here. And we’ve already spent some time in Bremen, since Felix is moving there.”

She gave me a shy smile. “Stop making excuses.”

“What?” I teased, and she continued staring at me. “Okay, and I missed you.”

She giggled and dragged me to a cab that was behind the others’. We sat in silence throughout most of the ride, but it wasn’t awkward at all. I could tell she was thinking about it; she was thinking if I was going to leave her for Leverkusen again when the summer ended. I waited for her to ask, but she never opened her mouth.

Her hand crept over to mine and squeezed it before holding it tightly. I tried to look at her facial expression, but she was looking downwards. “Hey,” I nudged her. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” she finally looked up at me, her bright blue eyes filled with longing. “Um…can I ask you something?”

“Of course, silly girl.”

“Are you…going to stay with Leverkusen?”

I told her everything about Bayer’s offer – the salary, the promise of playing time, everything I could ever have asked for. I told her that their offer was much more attractive than my current one at Bayern, which it really was.

“Oh,” she said when I was done explaining. “So…you’re going to stay with them?”

“What do you think?”

She went silent, looking back downwards and leaning her head on my shoulder, not sure what to say. Her thumb ran lazily over the back of my hand, gently tracing circles as she processed her thoughts.

“Hey,” I said again. “Hey, Gabi, look at me.”

She looked up and forced a smile. “I guess we’ll just have to enjoy this summer.”

“Gabi,” I grabbed both her hands. “I’m staying here. In Munich. I won’t leave again.”

“Really?” the sadness in her eyes was suddenly replaced by excitement. “But why? They’re offering you so much more.”

“I guess I belong here,” I shrugged. “I want to fight for it. My heart belongs here.”

“Are you staying because of me?” she asked. “Please don’t stay just because of me.”

“I’m not staying  _only_  because of you,” I promised. “But you’re part of the reason why.”

She smiled. “Are you sure this is the right choice?”

“I’m sure,” I said. “I only had such a great time in Leverkusen because you were there with me.” I suddenly had the urge to hug her tightly, so I reached over and did exactly that. “Thanks, Gabi. For always being here.”

“Yeah,” she said into my shirt. “Yeah, you too.”

“I love you, Gabi. I’m never going to leave you. Ever.”

Her grip on me tightened. “I love you, too. I love you so much, Toni.”

Gabi’s POV

I was walking home from school after my summer lesson, turning the last corner before the bus station, when suddenly a figure lunged out from around the corner, yelling, “BOO!”

Instinctively, I jumped and screamed, dropping all my books and covering my head with my hands, vaguely aware that the people around me had turned and stared.

Suddenly, I heard someone laughing, and I peeked through my fingers to see Toni standing there, holding his tummy and bending over with laughter. “Oh, my God,” he choked. “I’m…oh, I’m so sorry, Gabi. Gabi, oh my God.”

“What the hell, Toni?” I picked my books up and threw them at him. “Everyone is staring at us!”

“Gabi, you…I…you…” he burst out laughing again. “Your face is all…it’s all red. Like…like a tomato.”

“I hate you,” I said, picking up my books again and storming past him.

“Hey!” he ran after me and grabbed me from the back. “I’m sorry,” he said, a cheeky smile still on his face. It slowly grew bigger, until he started laughing again. “It was funny. You gotta admit, Gabi, it was funny. You had to see it.”

“Stop it!”

“Okay, okay,” he grabbed my books in one hand and my hand in the other. “I like your cute little red face.”

“Where are we going?” I asked as he dragged me past the bus station.

“Here,” he said, stopping in front of the pet store and gazing inside dreamily.

I stood beside him and stared in at the two beagles that he’d been eyeing ever since he got back from Leverkusen for good. He loved dogs, and he was always alone at home, but for some reason or another he always hesitated getting them.

“You wanna get them now?” I asked him.

“I don’t know,” he said, a look of utter longing in his eyes.

I grabbed his arm and dragged him inside the shop. “Come on, stop thinking so much. Just get them. I’ll help you take care of them.”

“Really?” his eyes lit up like fireworks. “But –“

“Don’t ‘but’ me, Toni,” I said. “What if one day we come here, and they’re gone? Take it as a reward, okay? You went to the World Cup. The  _World Cup_ , Toni.”

“I only played like, 45 minutes in total.”

“45 minutes in the World Cup, dumbass. A year ago you were crying your eyes out because you didn’t make the U-21 Euros, remember?”

He stared at me, and I could see the wheels turning in his head, but I couldn’t wait anymore. I didn’t want him to hesitate any longer. I took my books back from him and pushed him towards the little cage where they were both kept. The shop assistant smiled at us and opened the cage door, which made the dogs immediately run out towards Toni. They recognised him, of course, from all the times he’d popped by to see them.

He squatted down and started petting the both of them as they looked at him pleadingly with their shiny dog eyes. Toni turned around and gestured to me, so I put my things down on the counter and went to squat beside him.

“Do you like them?” he asked me.

“You’re getting them, not me.”

“But do you like them?”

I touched one of them on the nose, and he started licking my hand, making me laugh. “Yeah, I like them,” I told Toni.

He smiled. “I’m getting them,” he said. “You’ll help me, right? We can get them together.”

“Yeah, but my dad is allergic to dogs.”

“That’s better,” he leaned over and whispered in my ear. “Then you can come over more often.”

“Is that it? Is that the reason why you want these dogs? You’re heartless.”

“I’m kidding,” he laughed. He turned to the shop assistant. “What are their names?”

“They don’t have names,” she said, smiling. “You can name them yourselves.”

“Awww, like parents,” Toni nudged me. “We’re getting them.”

The dogs loved him as much as he loved them, apparently, because they followed him around the shop as he got them dog food, bowls, leashes and chewy toys. After paying for everything, he put the leashes around their necks and handed one to me.

“Looks like we can’t take the bus,” he said as we exited the shop. As if on cue, his beagle started running and dragging him along.

I looked at mine, who was just standing there with his tongue out. “Hey, let’s go,” I told the dog, but he refused to move. “Let’s go, come on.” I nudged his butt softly with my foot.

“Oh my God, don’t kick the poor guy,” Toni said.

“He’s not moving!” I started walking and dragging him along. “Jesus, being a mum is so hard.”

Toni burst out laughing. “We haven’t even named them.”

“Can I name yours?” I asked. “Julius. He’s a Julius. I just look at him and I know he’s a Julius.”

“Julius,” Toni confirmed as both dogs finally started walking at a decent speed. “What about yours?”

“I don’t know,” I said as he stopped walking again. I picked him up and carried him on top of my books. “You better not pee on my books,” I told him. “I’ll disown you. I’ll get Julius instead.”

“Lennox,” Toni suddenly said. “He’ll be Lennox.”

“Yeah, Lazy Lennox.”

As if he’d heard me saying that, he suddenly lifted up a leg and started peeing. On my books.

“Jesus Christ!” I screamed, letting go of my books and putting Lennox down on the ground. “He’s just like you, Toni! He’s just like you. ‘Don’t squeeze my boobs, Toni,’ and you squeeze my boobs. ‘Don’t be horny, Toni,’ and you are suddenly horny. ‘Don’t pee on my books, Lennox,’ and he pees on my books!”

Toni just stood there with Julius, laughing his head off at me and my pee-stained books.

“Toni!!!”

“Okay,” he panted. “Okay, okay,” he grabbed both leashes and started walking again. “You’re a horrible mum, Gabi.”

“And you’re a great dad?” I asked. He looked at the dogs, who were trotting obediently in front of him, and then back at me, raising an eyebrow. “Okay, fine! You’re a great dad! Who wants to be their mum anyway? I never said I was going to marry you.”

“Too late, we already have kids.”

“Are you calling me a bitch?”

“I didn’t even think of that until you said it.”

“So you’re calling me a bitch.”

“You’re  _my_  bitch.”

“Rude.”

“Hey, you gotta help with the children.”

I grabbed Julius’ leash. “It’s my turn to have the obedient one.”

“How are we going to differentiate them?”

“Ummmm….by that brown spot? See, Julius doesn’t have it. It’s a lazy spot.”

“Why are you so biased?” Toni asked. “You’re supposed to love both of them equally.”

“I do,” I told him. “I love Lennox because he’s so much like you.”

“Awwww,” he smiled, setting our things down as we reached the big field at the park. Then he opened his arms. “Come here, mummy.”

I went and wrapped my arms tightly around him. “Are you happy with your dogs?”

“Yeah,” he said into my hair. “Thanks for getting them with me.”

“I love them. I was just teasing you. They’re adorable.”

“I know, they got that from their mama.”

“Shut up,” I said as he laughed and gave me a soft kiss on my lips.

“I’m sorry about your books.”

“It’s okay,” I smiled. I went over to the dogs, who were just sitting there in the grass, and undid their leashes. They stood up and walked around hesitantly, before starting to run freely in the area near us.

Toni put an arm around me as we sat and watched them, the sky turning red with the sunset. We continued sitting there even as the dogs came back and sat down on our feet, as the sky turned dark and the stars came out.

We brought Julius and Lennox back home, where they were warmly welcomed by Felix and their parents. We set up a little corner for them in the living room, and then Mr. and Mrs. Kroos left for bed and left the three of us with the dogs.

So we sat on the couch and chatted the night away, Toni, Felix and I. And as our conversations got more and more ridiculous with exhaustion and sleepiness as we approached 4 am, the only valid thought that ran through my head was how I lived for days like this; days with my best friends in the entire world, people who were not my family, but who might as well be. 


	21. My Beginning, Your End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Car accident.  
> The song accompanying this chapter is What You Wanted by OneRepublic.

Gabi’s POV

I’d been stuck in bed for the past week with a fever and cold, and the medication wasn’t really helping. I hadn’t seen Toni or the dogs in ages, because I’d banned them from my room. His season was starting in about two weeks, and I didn’t want to pass anything to him.

I sighed and threw my giant bag of medicine towards my table because I was too lazy to get out of bed. Of course, I missed, and it landed on the floor.

“Ugh,” I groaned loudly just as my door opened a crack and Toni’s head appeared from behind. He smiled when he saw my frustrated figure, my hair uncombed for three days, and my oversized clothes unchanged for two.

“Why are you here?” I asked, lifting the sheets to cover my face. “Go away, I don’t want to pass anything to you.”

“Really?” I felt the bed dip as he sat on it. “Or are you just too vain to show your unbathed self to me?”

“Hey!” I yelled from under the covers.

“Come on,” he laughed. “I’m not scared. I brought soup for you.”

He removed the sheets and smiled at me, a bowl of soup in his hands. He put it on the bedside table and used both his hands to try and smoothen my messy hair.

“It doesn’t work,” I told him, but he just laughed and continued combing my hair with his fingers. I covered my face with my hands. “Oh, my God, I really don’t want you to see me like this.”

“I really don’t care,” he said, removing my hands from my face, grabbing my cheeks and leaning forward. “I love you no matter how you look.”

He was going to kiss me, and I didn’t want to pass my virus to him, so I pushed his cheek and turned his face aside. “Stop, don’t.”

“Gabi,” he whined.

“Okay, on the cheek. Just the cheek. You kiss me. I can’t kiss you back.”

“Fine,” he said, and gave me a hard peck on the cheek before grabbing the bowl and scooping a spoonful of soup. “Open your mouth.”

So he fed me the entire bowl of soup, and I wasn’t sure if it was the soup’s effect or just Toni being there, but I was feeling a whole lot better by the time I’d finished.

“Can we go out for a walk?” I asked him, and he looked at me incredulously.

“You’re sick,” he pointed out.

“I’m feeling better,” I told him. “Please? Just a while. Just us both.”

He went downstairs and asked my parents while I waited in bed excitedly, and I almost jumped up in joy when he came back with a big grin on his face. “Just a while, okay?” he said, grabbing my pullover, jacket, and anything he could find for me to wear.

“It’s summer,” I reminded him. “Do I really need to wear all these?”

“Just do it or I won’t take you,” he said, so I reluctantly wrapped myself up in all the clothing he threw at me. And then he helped me gather my unruly hair into a somewhat decent bun before we set off.

We took our usual route down the street at to the park, and the sky was already dark by the time we reached our homes again. We stopped on his side of the road, just standing there and staring at each other.

“Thanks for today,” I said. “Sorry if you fall sick any time soon.”

He smiled and raised a hand to tuck my hair behind my ear. “It’s okay. I hope you feel better soon. I miss my lively Gabi.”

I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him as tightly as I could, even though I felt really tired and weak. He wrapped his arms around me, although at that time I was really just a ball of fabric, and it felt so comfortable I almost fell asleep right there on the sidewalk.

“Can I kiss you?” he whispered. “Just once. Please?”

“No tongue,” I whispered back, and he nodded against my hair. “Okay. Just once.”

He grabbed my face with both hands, a wide smile spreading across his face, before he leaned forward and placed his lips gently on mine, staying there for a while longer than required. Then he pulled away, looking straight into my eyes.

“I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you more,” I smiled, and then we just stood there on the sidewalk in front of his house, gazing into each other’s eyes, his hands slowly moving through my hair.

“You know what?” I said suddenly, letting go of him and walking up the driveway towards his house. “I miss your bed. And our kids.”

“Gabi…you said ‘just a while.’”

I looked at him with my best puppy-eyed look, but he just stood there at the sidewalk and shook his head playfully, refusing to walk up and open the door for me.

Suddenly, the side of his face was illuminated by the distinctive pale yellow of car headlights. It was strange, because it was a direct glow unlike that from any cars that had passed by while we were standing there.

The next few moments happened in slow motion, even though I was sure only a few seconds had passed in real life.

I turned to my right and saw a car heading straight towards us, directly at the spot where Toni was standing. He was still staring at me, unaware, and I was frozen to the spot, my mind a little dazed from all the medication I’d been taking, and not entirely sure what was happening or what I was supposed to do.

The car was approaching quickly. I could see the horror on the driver’s face, and I knew that he had already lost control of his car. It was mounting the sidewalk in a matter of seconds, heading straight for Toni.

Without even thinking, making use of the sudden burst of adrenaline through my body, and with the car literally just inches away from hitting Toni from the side, I ran forward, swung him around, and pushed him as hard as I could into the bushes lining his driveway. The last thing I remembered was the look of utter terror on the driver’s face that I was sure matched my own.

Toni’s POV

One moment, I was looking at Gabi’s cheeky face; the next, I was sitting on my ass in the bushes by my driveway. I quickly stood up, not really sure what had happened, only to see a horrible scene unfold before my eyes in slow motion.

I heard the squeak of the wheels as the car mounted the sidewalk and hit Gabi from the side. I saw her extend her arms slightly, but to no avail. I saw her close her eyes in anticipation of the impact. I heard her slight yelp, and I heard the sickening sound of metal against bone. I heard the loud thump as she tumbled onto the car hood, and I heard the tinkle of the windshield cracking as her head hit it, sending spiderweb cracks all over the surface. I smelt the thick exhaust fumes as the car hit a streetlight and stalled. I heard a loud crash as the windshield gave way and broke, raining glass all over the driver and the passenger seat, as well as Gabi’s face.

I watched as she rolled off the car and onto the sidewalk, and I ran. I ran, jumped on the car, scrambled across the car hood, and knelt down by her side.

“Gabi,” I called, my throat blocked by sudden tears. I grabbed her head and gently placed it on my knee. “Gabi, I love you. Please stay awake. Talk to me. Where does it hurt?”

“Everywhere,” she breathed.

“Hey!” I yelled to the driver, who was sitting there in a daze. “Call an ambulance!” I said, but he just stared at me. “Don’t just sit there! Call a fucking ambulance!” I shouted as loudly as I could, but I was overcome by my tears. Thankfully, he finally got the hint and started dialling for help.

I swept Gabi’s hair from her face, only to see my hand stained with her blood from when she hit the windshield. I looked at my other hand, which was under her head, and I looked at my knee – there was blood. There was blood everywhere.

“Gabi,” I sobbed. “Don’t go to sleep. Gabi, I love you so much.”

Her eyes were already half-closed, and she was so pale, but she raised a shivering hand and grabbed mine. “Hey,” she whispered. “Don’t cry…okay? I…love you. I love you.”

I held on to her hand tightly. “Please don’t leave me,” I pleaded.

She smiled, and raised her other hand to touch my face, staining it with her blood. “Toni, I…”

“Shhhh,” I whispered. “Just hang on, okay? You’ll be fine. You’ll be just fine. Gabriele, please hold on. I love you, baby.”

“Please…please be strong…no matter what happens. Okay? Toni…promise me.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Just…just promise me.”

“I promise,” I said, just as my tears fell and landed on her hand. “I’m so sorry, Gabi. I’m so sorry.”

“Shhhh,” she was still smiling. “I don’t…I don’t regret anything. As long as…you are here.”

“Gabi,” I choked. “Gabi, please don’t leave me.”

She closed her eyes. “Can I…can you…kiss me…please.”

I kissed her. I leaned over and kissed her hard on the lips, even though her response was so slight that she might as well not have responded. I kissed her, hoping that this was some kind of bad dream. I kissed her, hoping that I could at least take away some of her pain. I kissed her, hoping that this would have some kind of fairytale ending, that my kiss would somehow give her life.

But it didn’t. I pulled away, but her eyes were still closed, her grip on my hand getting weaker and weaker. “Gabi,” I called again, my voice trembling. “Hey, Gabi. Stay with me. I love you so much, Gabi. I love you so much.”

“I love you…I love you too. Toni, I…I love you. And…I’m sorry.”

“No, shhhh,” I sobbed. “Please, Gabi. Stay strong, okay? Help is coming. I promise. I love you.”

She smiled again. “Talk to me,” she whispered. “I want to hear…your voice. I love you. I…love you so much…Toni.”

Before I could start speaking, her hand let go of mine completely and landed on the ground, her head falling to the side and onto my arm. The hand she had on my face fell onto my lap. She was still smiling, her beautiful smile which gave me hope and shattered it all at once.

“Gabriele,” I could barely even find my voice anymore. “Hey, I know you can hear me. Stay strong, Gabi. Please stay strong. I know you can do it. I’ll be here waiting, okay? The next time you open your eyes, I’ll be there. I promise. Remember you told me you wanted to go back to the beach in Perissa again? I’ll bring you there. I promise, Gabi. I’ve never broken any promise that I’ve made to you, and I’m not going to break this one. Please don’t break your promise to me, Gabi. You said you’d always be here. Please. I love you so much. Please hold on.”

I put her head close to my chest as the ambulance rounded the corner and stopped in front of us. I watched in a daze as they gently removed her from my arms and moved her into the back of their vehicle. I knelt there, frozen, as my family and Gabi’s family finally came out of their houses to see what the commotion was about. I didn’t move a muscle as Felix came over to kneel beside me and wrap his arms around me, quietly whispering in my ear, “Hey, Toni, everything’s gonna be fine, okay?”

I was a complete mess, and I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down my face as my parents and Felix bundled me into a cab and brought me to the hospital, my clothes, hands and face still stained with the blood of Gabriele, the love of my life. 


	22. Because of Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song accompanying this chapter is The Scientist by Coldplay.

Felix’s POV

Toni cut a frustrated, desperate figure outside the operation theatre, alternating between staring into space and pacing up and down the corridor. Of course, he wasn’t the most worried person there, as Gabi’s parents and Amelie sat in their corner with their heads in their hands.

“Toni,” I called. “Hey, sit down. Calm down, Toni.”

He didn’t answer me. He just continued walking around, his hands balled up in fists, tears streaming down his face.

“Sit the fuck down, Toni. You’re making me dizzy.”

He stopped and spun around to glare at me. “Don’t you tell me to sit the fuck down,” he said through his gritted teeth. He pointed at Gabi’s family. “Look at them. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. She tried to save me, Felix. Gabi  _saved my life_. And look where she is now. I don’t even know if she’s okay, if she’s ever going to be okay. So don’t tell me to sit the fuck down, Felix.”

He turned his back and walked down the corridor, disappearing around the corner. I got up and went after him, only to see him punching the wall repeatedly in frustration.

“Toni,” I ran up to him and grabbed his hands. “Hey, stop. I’m sorry I said that. Please don’t be like this. Stay strong, okay? I’m sure Gabi wouldn’t want to see you like this.”

Toni stopped punching the wall and covered his face with his bruised hands. “Why?” he sobbed. “Why did she have to do that? I wish it was me. I wish she was fine and that I’m the one who’s in there right now.”

“Nobody wanted this to happen,” I said softly. “Would you really rather have her out here, crying her heart out, wishing that you’ll be okay? I don’t know, Toni, if I were you, I’d rather I was the one crying. She can’t feel anything right now, Toni. Please be strong. Be strong for Gabi. I know you love her, I know how much you love her. And I know how much she loves you. So just be strong, okay?”

He leaned his head on my shoulder as his body started shaking with sobs. “I’m so sorry I snapped at you. I’m so sorry.”

I wrapped my arms around him. “No, it’s okay. Everything will be fine, okay? Please be strong. I’ll always be here. You’ll always have your annoying little brother.”

“Yeah,” he whispered, pulling himself out of my arms. “I just…I need to be alone, okay? I’m sorry. I need to be alone.”

I watched as he started walking away; away from me, away from the operation theatre, away from it all, just to get a little quiet. I went back and sat in between my parents and Gabi’s family, two sets of unsettled families, and waited.

Toni returned half an hour later and sat beside me quietly, his eyes bloodshot and his gaze still directed downwards. The light on top of the door never went out for the next few hours, the operation never ceasing. It was already past midnight when the light went off and a nurse emerged from the operating theatre.

“Are you the family members of Gabriele Meiser?” she asked.

Gabi’s parents and Amelie rushed towards her. “How is she?” Mr. Meiser asked.

Toni sat there, his head buried in his hands, not moving a muscle. My parents stood up and went to join the little crowd, but Toni just sat there.

“She’s stable now,” the nurse said. “She needed a ton of stitches on her scalp. But she’s not awake, and…I’m sorry, she probably won’t be awake for a while. She hit her head pretty hard. And she also broke two ribs.”

“There was so much blood,” Amelie whispered.

The nurse smiled, a wry smile. “That was mostly superficial, due to the cuts on her scalp.”

“When will she wake up?” Toni asked from his seat, his voice hoarse, the first words he’d uttered since two hours ago.

“I’m sorry, we really don’t know. We’ll continue to monitor her. You can go over and see her now.”

Gabi’s parents made their way to the ward with my parents trailing behind them. Amelie came over to us and smiled sadly. “Let’s go,” she said.

“Amelie,” Toni mumbled. “I’m so sorry.”

“You’ve already said that about a thousand times,” she said. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t want it to happen either. Come on, let’s go see Gabi.”

She grabbed Toni and I by the arms and dragged us to Gabi’s room, where Mr. and Mrs. Meiser were sitting on her bed, gently stroking her bruised face and arms, whispering softly to her. I saw Toni cringe slightly at the sight of Gabi’s bandaged head and all the wires stuck to her, and I saw his eyes glisten with new tears.

“Hey,” Amelie let go of me and wrapped her arms around Toni, barely being able to keep her voice from trembling. “It’s okay, Toni. Be strong for Gabi.”

Toni and I stood there as Amelie went over and joined her parents, the three of them just touching Gabi’s wounds gently and speaking to her, telling her everything was going to be alright.

Suddenly, the doctor entered with a set of papers in his hand, and cleared his throat so we’d all listen to him. “Gabriele hit her head really hard,” he started. “But she’s lucky that her skull wasn’t fractured. The injuries to her head were largely superficial, and we’ve fixed all that, although we had to shave her hair off. She also broke two ribs on her right side, but we’ve fixed that too, so they’ll probably be fine in a while.”

I saw Toni look down again as tears started falling, and I saw Mr. and Mrs. Meiser tighten their grip on each other.

“The more serious problem is the internal injury to her brain,” he continued. “Right now we’re just waiting for her to wake up, but we’ve done a CT scan and the results show a little damage to the inside of her brain. There is no way I can tell you right now to what extent it will affect her daily life, or if she will even have any problems with anything. We can only tell after she’s awake. But we’ll continue to check on her and we’ll let you know when there are any developments.”

“How long will she…be like this? Like, asleep?” Amelie asked.

“Sometimes the brain goes into coma for recovery, so that the body gets the chance to mend itself without any waste of energy,” he explained. “So she could stay like this for a few days to a few weeks. I don’t think the injury is extensive enough for her to stay like this for months or years.”

“She…she’ll wake up, right? She won’t…stay like this forever?” Amelie said, the last few words barely audible.

The doctor smiled. “For her situation, the chances of her entering a persistent vegetative state are very low, only about 5-10%. She’ll probably have a short period of time before she wakes up when she’s in a vegetative state, but it most likely will not be permanent. So yes, she has a high chance of regaining both consciousness and awareness. Right now, although technically she can’t hear or feel anything, you can try talking to her if you like. You never know when it’ll make a difference.”

“Thank you,” Mrs. Meiser said softly, and the doctor gave her a warm smile before leaving the room. Gabi’s parents turned their gaze to Toni, who was still looking down on the ground, and then they came over and wrapped their arms tightly around him.

“It’s not your fault, okay Toni?” Mrs. Meiser said. “We don’t blame you, so don’t blame yourself. You’re already like a son to us. We love you, Toni. Please don’t do this to yourself.”

“Yeah, Toni,” Mr. Meiser continued, patting his back gently. “I know you’re upset, but don’t blame yourself. Nobody wanted this to happen. You have to be strong, okay? Gabi needs you.”

Toni nodded without looking up. Amelie went over to Gabi’s bed and gave her a kiss on the forehead, and I did the same, before we all left the room and left Toni there alone with her.

Toni’s POV

I stood there for a long while as everyone left. I just stood there at the foot of Gabi’s bed, staring at her, not being able to stop my tears from streaming down my cheeks.

I could barely move my legs when I finally decided to go over to her side and sit down. I grabbed one of her hands in mine and reached out to touch the little scratches on her cheek.

“Gabriele,” I called. “I’m so, so sorry. Please…please be strong. I’ll always be here waiting. I’ll do anything, Gabi. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else I can say except that I’m sorry. I’ll never be able to forgive myself. But…but thank you, baby. Thanks for saving me. I love you so, so much. Please wake up soon, alright? I want to see your pretty blue eyes, and hear your voice. Please, baby. I hope you can hear me. I’ll be here. I’ll be here every day. Please be strong, okay? I’ll be strong for you. Promise you’ll be strong for me. I love you so much.”

My tears had fallen and hit her hand, so I wiped them away before continuing.

“The season is starting soon, baby. You don’t want to miss Bayern’s opening game, right? You’ve never missed one of their opening games. Please stay strong. I’ll come back and tell you everything that happened, okay? I promise. No matter how long it takes. I’ll come right over. Gabi, baby, please stay strong. Not only for me, but for Amelie, and your parents. And Felix and my parents. We’re all rooting for you, you know? We’ll always be. Always.”

I started choking on my words, so I lay my head gently on the bed beside her and placed my lips on her hand. “I love you so much, Gabriele,” I whispered. “Good night, baby. I love you.”

And I lay there in that uncomfortable position for the rest of the night, my eyes closed, images of the accident replaying themselves over and over again, not being able to sleep. I lay there with my lips on Gabi’s hand, hoping that she’d be able to feel it, that she knew how much I loved her and how much I wanted her back.

I lay there and cried throughout the entire night, until I had no tears left, no tears to release but a huge knot still in my throat, choking me, reminding me that Gabi was this way because she tried to save me.


	23. Come Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song accompanying this chapter is All of the Stars by Ed Sheeran.

Amelie’s POV

My parents were back at work, so I popped over to the hospital to visit Gabi after school. Unsurprisingly, Toni was there, sitting by her bedside, dark circles around his eyes and a book in his hand, reading out loud to her. Felix had left for Bremen, and his parents to Rostock, so he was all alone again.

“Toni…the doctor said she can’t hear us,” I told him as I put my things down on the couch at the corner.

“I don’t care,” he said, his voice hoarse. “I’m going to try.”

“Toni,” I went over and sat next to him. “It’s been a week. You’ve been here every day. Do you want to get some rest? I’ll be here.”

“No,” he whispered, tears brimming in his eyes. “I can’t leave her. I can’t.”

“Hey,” I said softly. “Have you looked in the mirror? I’m sure Gabi doesn’t want to see you like this, even if it means you’re by her side every moment. You’ve got to pull yourself together, Toni. You’ve got to go out there on Friday, and play as well as you always have, and make Gabi proud, okay? Please get some rest.”

He leaned his head on my shoulder, his eyes never leaving Gabi. “I miss her so much,” he whispered.

I felt a lump rise in my throat. I didn’t know if it was the sight of him so dishevelled and distraught, or if it was just the entire situation with Gabi. But ever since Toni moved in all those years ago, he’d been just like my little brother. And seeing my little brother like that, it broke my heart.

“Yeah, me too,” I told him. “We all miss her, Toni. Do you want to get some sleep? I’ll stay here with her.”

“Okay,” he finally said. “I’ll just…just let me clean her first.”

He grabbed the little plastic basin at her bedside and left the room, coming back a few minutes later with warm water. He picked up a washcloth and wetted it, and then he started wiping Gabi off gently, starting from her face.

“Hey, baby,” he said softly, his hands travelling slowly across her face. “It’s time for your bath, stinkypants. How are you today? Is it really dark? Please wake up soon, after you’re done repairing yourself, okay? I know you can do it.” He rinsed the cloth and used it to dab her dry lips. “Your hair has already started growing. Hurry back, so we can give you a nice haircut, okay baby?”

He moved down to her arms and her legs, turning her body around gently so that she wouldn’t have bed sores. “Julius and Lennox miss you, you know?” he continued. “They’ve been sitting on your shoes for the past week. Sometimes they even fight over who gets which shoe.”

His voice lowered to a whisper as he started choking on his words. “Please wake up, baby. I miss you so much. I miss your eyes, and your smile, and your laugh, and your voice. I miss you, Gabi. We’re going out there on Friday, and we’re going to win it for you, okay baby?”

He put the cloth and the basin aside and picked up the medication for the scratches on her skin. “Your wounds are healing, you know?” he said as he applied the medication for her. “Remember you always said that you have too little wounds and scars, and you hated it, because getting injured makes you feel more alive? You’re so weird, Gabi. But now you have all these wounds, and that means you’re more alive than ever, right? And that means you’ll open your eyes and look at me, and tell me you love me once again, right?”

He paused, closing his eyes as his tears fell on her blanket. “I’m so sorry, Gabi. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you, even though protecting you was all I’ve been living for the past four years. I’m sorry I didn’t see it coming, and that you had to do this, that you had to end up like this. I’m so sorry.”

He sat down, covering his face with his hands, sobbing quietly into them for a few moments. Then he wiped his face on his sleeve and forced a smile. “You must be getting annoyed with my voice, right? I’ll stop talking now. I love you, baby. I love you so much. Good night, beautiful.”

I watched as he leaned over and gave her a kiss on her cheek, put everything neatly aside, and then turned around and smiled wearily at me. By that time, I had my hands over my mouth, crying silently but uncontrollably as I watched him care for Gabi like she was his life and his everything. I went over and wrapped him in a huge hug, even though he was so tired he was barely able to lift his arms to hug me back.

“Thank you so much, Toni,” I sobbed. “I can’t…I can’t even…Toni, thank you.”

“Yeah,” he whispered. “Yeah, it’s okay. I…uh, I’ll just sleep here on the couch.”

“You don’t want to go home?” I asked, and he shook his head. I moved my things away so he could lie down. “Good night, Toni. Sleep well, okay? Don’t worry too much. I’ll be here.”

“Night, Amelie,” he smiled as he took one last loving glance at Gabi before closing his eyes.

I waited until his breathing became regular, which didn’t take long, given how exhausted he was. And then I went over to Gabi and grabbed her hand.

“You’ve got to be strong, Gabi,” I whispered. “You have to be strong for him. Be strong for Toni.”

Toni’s POV

It was dark. It was so dark, completely dark, and I was holding on to someone’s hand. I couldn’t see anything. It was so dark.

“Hey,” a familiar voice whispered. “Hey, can you see me?”

Gabi. It was Gabi’s voice. I grabbed on tightly to the hand and pulled it close to me. “Gabi,” I whispered back. “Gabi, is that you?”

“Yeah,” she said, and I felt my eyes slowly settle to the darkness, until the dim outline of Gabi’s face appeared right before me, inches away from my face. “Hey, baby,” she smiled.

“Gabi,” I sobbed. “Gabi, I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too,” she said, using her other hand to touch my face softly. “Don’t cry, okay? Everything will be okay.”

“I love you so much.”

“I love you, too,” she said, letting go of my face and my hand and sitting up. “Be strong, okay?”

“Where are you going?” I reached out to grab her, but suddenly she was even further away. “Gabriele, don’t leave. Where are you going?”

“I’ll be back,” she said, her voice thick with tears. “I promise, Toni, I’ll be back. I’m so sorry. I love you so much.”

“Gabi!” I yelled, but she wasn’t there anymore. I got up and felt my way around, but I could only feel four walls. “Gabi, where are you? Gabi, please, Gabi, don’t go!”

“Toni!” I heard a different voice call me. “Hey, Toni, wake up!”

I opened my eyes with a gasp. I was back in the hospital room, with Gabi on the bed in front of me and Amelie shaking me by the shoulders with a worried look on her face.

“It’s just a dream,” Amelie said, wiping my sweat and tears with a tissue. “Calm down, it’s just a dream.”

I got up and ran over to Gabi’s bed. “Hey,” I said a little too loudly, “Hey, Gabi, you promised me, okay? You promised me you’ll be back.” I grabbed her shoulders and shook them. “Gabi, don’t break your promise. You said you’ll be back.”

“Toni,” Amelie called, grabbing me and pulling me back. “Calm down.”

“She said it,” I told her. “She said she’d be back. She promised me.”

“It’s just a dream.”

“It was her,” I yelled. “Gabi….Gabi was…she said she’ll –“

“Shhhh, Toni please.”

Suddenly, I realised something was amiss. A week had passed, and I wanted to slap myself, I wanted to beat myself up so hard because it took me so long to realise.

“Where’s her necklace?” I whispered. “Where’s Gabi’s necklace?”

“What necklace?” Amelie asked. “The one she’s always wearing? I haven’t seen it.”

“Was it in the bag? The one the nurse gave you. The bag of clothes she was wearing? ”

“It’s empty. There isn’t anything inside.”

I swung her arms aside and ran. Amelie called after me, but I couldn’t hear what she was saying. Everything was a blur. I tried getting a taxi, but there were so many other people waiting, and I couldn’t flag one. I walked around in circles with my fists clenched, trying to stop my tears from falling from my eyes, and then I started running. I ran all the way across the city and to the outskirts, to my driveway. I ran until I saw the blood stain on the sidewalk, right in front of my house, still unwashed. Gabi’s blood.

I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I started wailing like a sick child, kneeling there on the sidewalk in front of the dark brown stain. I bent over and placed my forehead on it. “Gabi,” I whispered. “Gabi, you promised. You can’t break your promise, Gabi.”

It was only after a while that I stood up and took a deep breath. I had to be strong. For Gabi, for Amelie, and for everyone else. I walked slowly around the area, looking for Gabi’s precious necklace, hoping that it was still there somewhere. I looked behind every bush and under every rock, but I couldn’t find it.

“Gabi,” I whispered, tears still falling steadily down my face. “I’ll find it. I promise you. I’ll find it, and you have to come back, okay? I swear, I’ll find it.”

The sky had gotten dark after about an hour of searching, so I grabbed a flashlight and continued. I walked all the way down the same route we took that day, and then back again, but it was nowhere in sight. I walked up and down my driveway thrice, looking under all the plants Gabi had planted.

And then I finally saw it. A silvery, glittering object peeking out from inside a pot of lilies at the end of the driveway; the pot of lilies that Gabi had placed there and painstakingly groomed until it finally flowered earlier that summer. It was barely inches away from where the car had stopped.

I ran and pounced on the flower pot, digging for the half-buried necklace until I managed to pull it out. “Oh, my God,” I clutched it tightly and put it close to my chest, not caring how dirty it was. “I found it. Gabi, I found it. You have to wake up now, okay? Baby, you have to come back.”

I stood up and tried to walk out to the road to flag a taxi, but my legs suddenly gave way. Fortunately, someone appeared behind me and caught me before I hit the ground.

“You okay?” Mr. Meiser asked, as Mrs. Meiser put a hand to my forehead. “You need some rest.”

“He’s a little feverish,” Gabi’s mum frowned. “Bring him to bed.”

“I can’t go in. There are dogs inside.”

“Okay, bring him to our place.”

So Gabi’s dad hoisted me up on his back and carried me over to their place, but I blacked out halfway across the road, oblivious to anything that was happening around me, only relieved that I’d finally found the necklace that symbolised me and Gabi. Together, forever.

——

It was bright outside the next time I opened my eyes, and I was still holding tightly onto the necklace. At first, I didn’t recognise where I was, and then I looked more closely and realised.

I was in Gabi’s room.

I sat up in bed and looked around. I hadn’t been here for more than a week, but everything still looked so familiar – the stack of books in the corner, stained with Lennox’s pee; my Germany jersey proudly hung over her bed; her favourite photograph of the both of us, lying down in the field next to the Isar, laid out carefully on her bedside table, so it was the first thing she saw when she woke up in the morning.

The door opened, and Gabi’s mum peeked in slowly. “Good morning, dear,” she said, walking in with a glass of water. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay,” I said. “Thank you.”

She smiled. “I took a day off, so I’ll stay here with you today,” she handed me the glass of water, and then pointed to the necklace in my hand. “You refused to let go of that yesterday, so we had to let you sleep with it.”

I laughed softly. “Yeah, I spent a few hours looking for it.”

She put a hand to my forehead. “You’re looking much better today. We happened to be on the way home from work yesterday when you fainted.”

“Thank you,” I said again, my voice barely a whisper. “And I…I’m so sorry.”

“Toni,” she sighed. “I know how much you care for Gabi. Believe me, we’ve all seen how much you’ve cared for her the past week. You have to pull yourself together, okay?” she reached over and wiped the tears that I wasn’t even aware were falling down my cheeks. “We’re all worried about her, and we all miss her, and I know it hurts you the most to have been there. But you’ve got to be strong. I know you’ve heard that line many times over the past week, but you have to. You  _have to,_  Toni. No matter what happens. Please take care of yourself. We’re always here, you’ll always have us. Always. You’re like family now. You can even stay here in this room if you want. Just please, stay strong. You can’t break down like you did, you can’t do that again. You’re a big boy now, Toni. I’ve watched you grow since you moved in four years ago. No more tears, okay? Don’t cry anymore. Be strong, and smile. Smile because you had Gabi, and you always will have Gabi. Smile, Toni. Always think of how Gabi would want to see you, and always, always be that way.”

She reached out and ruffled my hair, because I couldn’t bear to look at her. I bit my lip to stop my tears from flowing, and then I looked up and forced a smile, because it was what Gabi would have wanted to see. “Thank you, Mrs. Meiser,” I said.

She smiled at me, and pointed at the necklace still in my hand. “Did you get her that for your anniversary?”

“Yeah, I got her the G on our first anniversary,” I smiled. “And the T on Valentine’s Day this year.”

“Did you guys enjoy your time in Cologne? Gabi doesn’t tell me anything.”

So we sat there for the entire afternoon, sharing our happy memories of Gabi. I wished she was there, laughing along with us and blushing at the appropriate moments. She wasn’t, but I felt so much better talking to her mum, and laughing for the first time in forever.

I thought of all the people around me, both physically and emotionally – Gabi’s parents, Amelie, my parents, Felix, and even Elisa and Bertha, who’d come over to visit Gabi a few times although they’d moved out of Munich. I thought of how well they were all holding it together, even though they were hurting like, if not more than, me.

And I knew I had to be strong. I’d heard that line so many times that I was almost numb, but suddenly it made so much sense to me. I had to be strong, and I had to believe.

So I got out of bed, and headed over to the training ground for some personal training before the start of the season. It was everyone’s day off, but I went and let it all out; I went and sweat out all my hurt, all my pain, all the bad thoughts I’d been through the past few days.

At the end of it, I dropped by the hospital once again, where it was Mr. Meiser’s turn to watch Gabi for the night.

“Good night, baby,” I told her. “I just had to come over and say good night, and I love you so much. I won’t cry anymore, okay? No more tears, I promise. You be strong too, okay baby? I’ll do it for you, and you’ll do it for me.” I leaned over and kissed her head. “Good night, I love you.”

I went back to Gabi’s place and lay in her bed, closing my eyes but not being able to sleep, a slight smile on my face. I thought of all the great times we had, and the sinking feeling in my chest was suddenly replaced by joy. After all, it was a privilege to have had those times.

Friday was in two days. The opening match of the 2010/11 season. I opened my eyes and looked at the photo of us on Gabi’s bedside table. We had to win it. We had to win it for her. 


	24. Onwards

Toni’s POV

It was already late at night when the coach finished his debrief and released us. I walked with Miro, who (just as before) was giving me rides until I got myself a car.

“Toni, why are you so quiet?” he suddenly asked.

“I am?” I asked. “I’m fine.”

“Really?” he nudged me. “You played great. First assist of the campaign.”

“Thanks,” I smiled as we got into the car. “Um, is it okay if you drop me at the hospital?”

“Yeah,” he said, and then it was all silent as we started the ride into the city, except for the radio on at low volume. I didn’t mind just sitting there quietly, but Miro, being the caring senior that he was, thought that he should try to get me to talk. “How’s your girlfriend?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I said. “There aren’t any signs.”

“I’m sorry,” he sighed. “Is there anything we can do?”

“It’s fine,” I told him. “Thanks, though.”

“I’m sure she’s really proud of you and the way you played today, given the current situation you’re in,” he patted me on the shoulder. “Don’t give up hope, okay? We’re always here. Me, and Bastian, and everyone else.”

I thanked him again as we reached the hospital. He was about to drive off, but I suddenly remembered that it was Amelie’s turn to watch Gabi. “Hold on,” I told Miro before he could leave. “Could you give Amelie a ride home? She’s my girlfriend’s sister. Just drive to my place, they live opposite.”

He nodded, so I quickly ran inside. Amelie was sitting at Gabi’s bedside, asleep. I tapped her gently on the shoulder. “Amelie,” I called. “Do you wanna go home? I’ll take care of her.”

She opened her bleary eyes and looked at me, confused. “What time is it?”

“Almost midnight,” I told her. “Miro can give you a ride home. He’s downstairs.”

I brought her downstairs to Miro’s car and thanked him again before he drove off. And then I went back and sat beside Gabi, picking her hand up and kissing it. I could finally talk to her, and tell her everything.

“Hey, baby,” I grinned, although she couldn’t see it. “We won, and it was the most dramatic thing ever. I wish you could have seen it. I got the first assist of the season, and Thomas scored the first goal. And then Wolfsburg equalised after half time, and I really thought it was going to end that way. I got taken off. But then right before the final whistle, Bastian scored. We won, baby. Are you proud? I know you are.”

I took out the shirt that I’d worn for the match. It was still a little wet with sweat, but I’d brought it back nonetheless. “I brought this for you,” I told Gabi. “It stinks, but I hope you like the shirt. I’ll bring you all of them, okay? All of them, from every match.”

I opened her hand and wrapped it around the shirt gently. And then I sat there telling her every single thing that happened throughout the match, even though my legs were jelly and my eyelids were falling lower and lower. I told her everything I could remember, and everything my teammates had said to me – about my performance, and about her.

I might have been in mid-sentence when I fell asleep, my hand grasping hers and hers grasping my shirt. I leaned my head on the bed, right beside her fingers, and I fell asleep. I was vaguely aware of my surroundings, but that was it. I was more asleep than awake.

Suddenly, I felt something move across my fingers gently. It was so soft, I almost thought I was dreaming. But then I opened my eyes, and I saw it.

I saw Gabi’s thumb move across my fingers.

As if she was trying to grab my hand, because I’d loosened my grip on her as I fell asleep. As if she was telling me hey, don’t fall asleep, tell me more. I stared at it in disbelief, but the movement only lasted for a second more, and then it stopped.

“Gabi,” I whispered, getting up and grabbing her face with both my hands. “Hey, Gabi. Can you hear me? I saw it. I saw you move. You can do it, okay? You can do it.”

I stood there and stared at her, waiting for her hand to move again, but it didn’t. I saw the brief shadow of the nurse making her rounds outside the room, so I barged out and grabbed her. “She moved. My girlfriend. She moved her thumb.”

“I’ll get the doctor,” she said, so I returned to Gabi’s bedside and waited some more, before she came back with the doctor by her side.

He took out his little flashlight and shone it into her eyes, and then he checked Gabi’s records by her bedside. “Are you sure she moved?” he asked me.

“I saw it, and I felt it.”

He checked her eyes again, and then her breathing, and then he turned and smiled at me warmly. “Toni, right?” he asked, and I nodded. “Gabriele was in a coma before, which means she technically wasn’t able to hear or feel anything at all. But now, she’s showing some signs of improvement. Maybe just slightly, but they’re quite encouraging.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” he said. “There are two possibilities – she might transition into a vegetative state, or to a minimally conscious state. She might be able to hear and feel what is happening around her. She might not be able to respond purposefully, but she can hear you, and she will have regular sleep-wake cycles. She might even open her eyes sometimes. I can’t confirm just yet which state she has already progressed to, but the signs look good. We’ll have to observe her for the next few days, do some scans, and then we’ll let you know.”

“Really?” I asked again, and he nodded with a soft laugh. “Oh, my God, really? She’s getting better?”

“Yes, she’s getting better.”

“Thank you,” I whispered. “Thank you so much.”

“You’re welcome,” he said, retreating back outside with the nurse. “And have some sleep, you look really tired.

I went and sat beside Gabi again as their footsteps faded down the corridor. “Baby,” I whispered. “Can you hear me? You can hear me now, right? I love you. Keep on doing whatever you’re doing. I’ll be here waiting, okay? You can do it, I know you can.”

I leaned over and kissed her on the head, laughing as my tears accidentally fell and hit her on the nose. As I used my sleeve to wipe it off, I could have sworn I saw the sides of her lips curl up slightly in her characteristic smirk. If I wasn’t almost completely overcome by fatigue, I would have sworn I saw Gabi smile.

——

Gabi’s family livened up significantly after they heard the good news, and even though they still had their same busy schedules, they dropped by on Gabi for longer periods of time, spending entire afternoons and evenings talking to her.

I got busier as the season kicked off, so I had much less time to stay at the hospital, but I still tried to drop by whenever I could.

“You look much better today,” Miro said after training, giving me a gentle nudge on the cheek. “How’s your girlfriend?”

“She’s good,” I smiled. “I mean, not good yet, but improving.”

“That’s great,” he said, and then he paused as he packed all his things. “She’s a Bayern fan, right? Who’s her favourite player?”

“Me,” I said matter-of-factly.

Miro rolled his eyes. “Besides you, obviously.”

“You!” I laughed. “You and Bastian.”

“Awww,” he said. He’d met her and spoken to her before, but it was only briefly. “How long has she been watching?”

“Since she was 7. That’s….13 years.”

“Wow, that’s a really long time,” he paused again outside the car. “Can I go see her? Maybe we could ask Basti along too.”

“Really, you would?” I asked, and he nodded, so we went and found Basti to ask him. Of course, he very graciously agreed.

Gabi’s dad was in the room reading a book when we arrived. He was so confused when he saw us standing there at the door, so he just stared at us in disbelief.

“Hi, sir,” Basti said. “You okay?”

Mr. Meiser looked towards me, and then at Basti and Miro, and then back at me. And then he almost ran over to us and grabbed their hands. “Hello, hello. I’m a big fan. Hi. Thanks for coming.”

Basti and Miro shook his hand warmly. I’d forgotten that Gabi’s dad was also a Bayern fan, and how excited he would have been to see his team’s players right there before him, so the sight of it made me feel so happy and fuzzy inside.

The four of us sat around Gabi’s bed and spent the rest of the evening just chatting, telling Miro and Basti all about Gabi, especially about her life as a Bayern fan. And then it was our turn to tell Gabi and her dad about our training stories. For a change, the room was filled with laughter and smiles instead of tortured conversations.

And although technically Gabi wasn’t there, I could feel her there. I could feel her smile when we smiled, and laugh when we laughed. I knew she was there, just as she had been for the past week, giving us subtle signs – a twitch of the fingers, movement of her eyes, and sudden deep breaths. I just wished she could respond out loud.

It was night time when the both of them decided to take their leave, so Mr. Meiser went downstairs with them, leaving me alone with Gabi.

I went to her bedside and swept her short, growing hair away from her face. “Are you happy that Miro and Basti came?” I smiled. “Wake up soon, so you can talk to them yourself, okay? I hope you enjoyed today. Please wake up soon, or give us a sign. Any sign. I miss you so much, baby. We’re all rooting for you, you know that? You’ve rooted for Bayern all your life, and now Bayern is rooting for you. Don’t let us down, okay baby? You can do it. I love you so much.”

I leaned over and kissed her forehead, and I stood up only to see a little wet spot at the corner of her eye.

A tear, threatening to fall.

I stared at it, tears of my own welling up in my eyes, a lump rising in my throat. I stared at it until it finally fell, rolling slowly down the side of her face.

Almost three weeks had passed since the accident happened, and I never kissed Gabi on the lips once, because I never wanted to have to feel her unmoving lips, to see that she couldn’t kiss me back. But on that day, I did. I bent over and kissed her hard on the lips, knowing that she was there, she could feel it, and she knew it was me.

“I know you’re trying,” I whispered. “Thank you, Gabriele. Thank you for trying. Please don’t stop, don’t ever stop.”


	25. Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song accompanying this chapter is Nothing by The Script.

Amelie’s POV

Toni was there, again, as I stepped into Gabi’s room, holding her hand. I went to the opposite side of the bed and grabbed Gabi’s other hand.

“Do you think today will be the day?” I asked him.

He smiled, his loving gaze never leaving Gabi’s face. “I hope.”

Gabi had been half-opening her eyes occasionally over the past two weeks, and she pulled all our hopes up time and time again, but she wouldn’t respond to anything we said or did. Toni’s season had gotten much more intensive and he had much less time to visit her. I could tell he was a little frustrated, but he knew he couldn’t risk his career at Bayern, especially at this early stage.

He got up and gave her a kiss on the forehead, and then he pulled away and continued staring at her, sweeping her short, stray hair away from her face.

Suddenly, I saw Gabi’s eyes open. It looked like all the previous times, but somehow, it was different. She opened them slowly, halfway, and then she opened them fully.

She stared back at Toni, and then I felt her tighten her grip on my hand. That never happened before. Never.

“Gabi,” Toni said. “Can you see me?”

She continued staring at him, so I stood up as well, and put my face next to Toni’s. “Hey, Gabi.”

She glanced at me, and then she looked back at Toni, her eyes icy and confused.

“Who are you?” she barely whispered.

“Toni,” he said, his voice trembling slightly. “I’m Toni.”

“Where am I?”

“I’ll get the doctor,” Toni said, letting go of her and dashing out of the room, returning a few moments later with a doctor and my parents, who I supposed had been on their way here.

Gabi continued staring at Toni as he crossed the room and returned to his original position beside her, and then she startled as the doctor called out to her.

“Gabriele,” the doctor said gently. “Do you know where you are?”

“In…hospital?”

“Do you remember what happened?”

“No,” she paused and stared at him for a while with her brows furrowed, and then her eyes suddenly lit up. “I tripped on the stairs, right? I tripped, and broke my elbow.” She looked down at her left arm, and then back at him, the look of confusion returning to her face. “Where’s my cast?”

The doctor turned to my mother and asked in a low voice, “How long ago was that?”

“Five years,” Toni whispered before she could reply. “That was five years ago.”

“Five years?” Gabi asked, tears immediately forming in her eyes. “I’ve been sleeping for  _five years_?”

“No, no you haven’t,” the doctor said. “Just about a month and a half, that’s all.”

“But what happened?” tears started rolling down her cheeks. “What happened to me? Why don’t I remember anything? What year is it?”

“It’s 2010,” I said. How could this have happened? She lost five years. Five years ago, she hadn’t even met Toni. Toni hadn’t moved in yet, five years ago.

The doctor picked up her records and scribbled something in them.  _Retrograde amnesia, 5 years._ He looked up at Gabi again. “Do you recognise these people?” he asked, gesturing at everyone in the room.

“Yeah, mum, dad, and Amelie” she said, looking around, her gaze landing on Toni. “No, I…who is he?”

“Toni,” Toni said again. “I’m Toni.”

Gabi looked at me, and then back at him, confused. “Am I…supposed to know you?”

“Gabi,” I said, a lump in my throat. “You really don’t recognise him?”

“No…what’s your name again?”

I saw the doctor scribble something in the records again.  _Difficulty forming new memories._

Toni stared at her, speechless, so I decided to pipe in. “He’s Toni,” I said. “He’s your boy –“

“Neighbour,” Toni interrupted loudly. “I’m your neighbour. Just a neighbour.”

I raised my eyebrows at him, and he forced a smile.

“Oh,” Gabi whispered, lowering her gaze to her bed. “Sorry, I don’t remember you.”

“Seriously, Gabi?” I asked, my voice trembling. “You seriously don’t remember him? Don’t play with us, Gabi. You can’t joke about this. I don’t believe you can’t remember him.”

She stared at me, fresh tears in her eyes, and then she stared at Toni. She stared at him for a long while, her expression unchanging. And then she grabbed her head with both hands. “I can’t,” she whispered. “I can’t. It hurts. My head hurts.”

“Shhh, it’s okay,” my mum went and wrapped her arms around her, looking apologetically at Toni, who was just standing there, expressionless. “Don’t think too much, you’ve just woken up.”

“Can you move?” the doctor asked. “Is there any part of your body you can’t move?”

“Yeah, I can move,” Gabi said, wiggling her feet.

“Okay, Gabriele,” he said. “You suffered some internal injuries to your brain, which has affected your memory. You might find it difficult to remember new things, and as you’ve said, you can’t remember anything that happened from 2005 until now. You have post-traumatic amnesia, but it’s not permanent. You might regain your memories spontaneously, but they might not be in order. Five years sounds like an extreme case, but it might not be, as long as you take care of yourself and don’t be too agitated. It varies from person to person.” He turned to my parents. “If you try to verbally tell her everything that happened in the past few years, it might not work. You’ve got to let her regain them by herself. Maybe by visiting old places, or doing familiar things. I’d advise her to stay in the hospital for the next couple of days, we’ll do another scan and then we’ll let you know more.”

My parents thanked him before he left, and then they sat next to Gabi, one on each side, and hugged her, softly telling her how relieved they were that she was back. Gabi smiled, even though her tears were still falling steadily down her cheeks. She never made eye contact with Toni.

I looked over in Toni’s direction only to see him slowly, discreetly backing out of the room, never taking his eyes of Gabi. I went over and dragged him outside.

“What the hell?” I demanded. “Why didn’t you tell her?”

“She doesn’t remember me,” he said, his gaze on the ground. “I don’t want to force her to remember me.”

“But you love her, right?”

“And she doesn’t love me.”

“She doesn’t  _know_  you, Toni. You have to tell her.”

“And what?” he raised his eyes and looked at me, full of frustration and disappointment. “And insist that she loves me back? I can’t force it, Amelie. I can’t force her to love me now. If the feeling is gone, then it’s gone. I can’t make her love me again. It won’t be real.”

“But…but you guys were so good together,” I choked, so confused and hurt by the entire situation. “You guys loved each other.”

“I love her,” he said. “I love her, and it doesn’t matter if she loves me back, okay? It doesn’t matter. I love her.”

“Then why are you doing this?” I sobbed.

“Because I love her,” he repeated. “And I’ll wait. I’ll wait for her to regain her memories, if she ever does. Can you imagine if I told her who I was, and she becomes my girlfriend again, just because of that? Not because she really loves me. Because she  _has_  to be with me, because she’s  _supposed to._  Because  _I said_  I was her boyfriend. It won’t be real, Amelie. I can’t do that to her, I can’t force her to be with me. She needs to remember it herself. It’s how _she_  feels that matters. Not how I feel.”

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. “She’ll remember you. I’m sure she will.”

He smiled. “It’s okay. I’ll go back home. You guys…have a good time, okay?”

Tears started falling out of his eyes, so he quickly turned around and walked away. I couldn’t stop crying as I watched him fade down the hallway, his shoulders hunched, using his sleeve to wipe his face. I couldn’t believe things turned out this way. I couldn’t believe how Gabi had shattered Toni’s entire life, just by asking him who he was.

Toni’s POV

Icy. Her eyes were completely icy, with no hint of recognition at all. Those beautiful eyes that made me so happy when I looked into them, now so distant and so unfamiliar.

They were the same, piercing blue, except this time they pierced right through me; unrecognising, unforgiving. I wished so hard that she was joking, that she was just the same old cheeky Gabi playing a prank on me, but her eyes told nothing but the truth.

It was one of my last chances to sleep in Gabi’s bed, so I went straight to her room and lay in it, looking at the photo of us on her bedside table. Will you ever remember me, Gabi? Will you ever remember what we were?

I opened her bottom drawer, where she kept all her things in a little box – all our photos together, all the little things I’d given her, and all the letters I’d written to her. I picked up the photo frame from the table and her necklace from my pocket, and put them both inside the box, placing it back inside the drawer. And then I took my jersey from above her bed, folded it nicely, and put it on the bottom shelf of her wardrobe under her clothes, together with all the other jerseys we’d collected over the months and the jerseys I’d collected for her while she was asleep.

When I was done, her room looked exactly like it did when I first climbed in her window.

I lay face-down on her bed, buried my face in her pillow, and tried to fall asleep in her scent. I’d promised Gabi’s mum not to cry, but that night I did. I cried until I had no more tears left, staining her pillow completely. I’d gotten Gabi back, and then lost her again, all in a matter of minutes. 


	26. Restart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song accompanying this chapter is Til Kingdom Come by Coldplay.

Toni’s POV

A few weeks had passed, and I only spoke to Gabi when we met on the street outside our houses. And even then, we only greeted each other hello. To prevent any sort of awkwardness, I’d even stopped going over to the Meisers’ for dinner.

It was difficult. It was really difficult, because we’d gone from telling each other every single thing about our lives to just saying hello to each other whenever we crossed paths. Just a simple hello. No ‘how’s your day?’ or ‘I missed you yesterday.’ Just hello, hey, or hi. I never even got to ask her about her physical therapy sessions, or if she was walking fine now.

I’d gone from climbing in through her window and spending hours talking to her in her room to simply wishing that I’d bump into her on the street on the way home, just so I could hear her voice.

I sighed as I rounded the corner and walked the remainder of the street to my front door – where there were two extra pairs of shoes. I went into my room only to see Felix and Amelie sitting on my bed, facing the door, evidently waiting for me.

“What are you doing here?” I asked Felix.

“That’s rude,” Felix said. “But I won’t give you shit for that.”

“It’s an intervention,” Amelie said.

“Intervention?” I put my things down. “For what?”

“Where have you been the past few weeks?” she asked.

“Here,” I stared at her. “I’ve been here.”

“Really?” Felix raised an eyebrow. “Because according to her, you haven’t said a word to anyone across the road. You’ve only said hi to Gabi, and that’s all. And you haven’t called me at all.”

“I was busy,” I mumbled.

“Yeah?” Felix scolded. “Busy? You’ve never been too busy to talk to me, or to Gabi’s family. You’re not busy, Toni. You’re escaping.”

“You can’t keep running away,” Amelie said gently. “I know it hurts you. It hurts Gabi too, you know? She wakes up in the middle of the night grabbing her hair and screaming. I know you’ve heard her. I’ve seen your window light up. Why are you doing this? Gabi needs you, Toni. You’ve been there every day for the past four years. She won’t be able to remember anything without you.”

“I can’t,” I whispered. “I…have you seen how she looks at me? I can’t even look her straight in the eyes without…without my heart breaking. She doesn’t even remember a single thing about me.”

“Then help her,” Amelie said. “I’m sure she’ll remember you, Toni.”

“Stop being a coward,” Felix said, and Amelie nudged him. “I mean…you have to try. What are you scared of? Just talk to her.”

“Why have you been so quiet?” Amelie asked. “Say something. Or cry it out. I know guys think that real men don’t cry, but come on, who doesn’t have feelings? Maybe crying it out will make you feel better. We won’t judge you, okay? He’s your little brother. And you’re _my_ little brother.”

I continued staring at them, not sure how to react, but then I felt tears stinging my eyes for the first time in days. I had been holding it all in, trying to act as if nothing was wrong, but obviously they’d seen it. They were the closest friends I had now, after I lost Gabi. I stood there in front of them with tears running down my face like a little child, just staring at them as they stared back at me.

Felix stood up and dragged me over to the bed, making me sit down in between the both of them. “Hey, I know it’s been hard on you. But you have to try, okay? I know how much you love her. We all know. But you can’t just sit here and wait for some sort of miracle to happen. I know you don’t want to force her, and I think that’s right, but you could just try to talk to her without forcing anything. It all has to start from somewhere, doesn’t it? If you want things to return anywhere remotely close to what they were before, then you’ve got to talk to her. Help her, and help yourself.”

“Why?” I sobbed. “Why did this have to happen? I miss her so much, you know? I was so stupid to think that everything would go back to normal once she woke up. I don’t even…I don’t even know if she’ll ever remember what we had. What if she never does? I’m scared, Felix. I’ve never been so scared of anything in my entire life. It hurts me to just sit here and watch her suffer, but it hurts even more whenever she looks at me with that look, that confused look, with no sign, no feeling, no nothing. Nothing at all, you know? It hurts so much. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t, and I feel fucking useless, because I promised myself I’d take care of her no matter what it took me, but look at her now? She’s like this because of me. Sometimes I think maybe I deserve it, because I failed to protect her.”

“Toni,” Amelie pulled me towards her and wrapped her arms around me. “Nobody blames you. Really, nobody does. I don’t, and my parents don’t. I’m sure Gabi doesn’t, or she wouldn’t have done it in the first place. You can’t blame yourself. You’ve been so strong over the past two months. Just continue doing the same, and have faith, okay? She’ll remember everything one day. I know she will. And I want you to be there when she does.”

I shook my head against her shoulder, not being able to speak because of the thickness in my throat. Felix reached across and wrapped his arms around the both of us, so we were just sitting there in a little huddle.

“You don’t have to talk to her today,” Amelie whispered after a long while, after I’d finally stopped sobbing my face off. “But think about it, okay? You don’t have to be scared. I’ll be there.”

“And me too,” Felix said. “Spiritually.”

“I want her to remember you, too,” Amelie told him.

“She has to remember Toni first.”

I conjured a laugh, and then reached across and pulled both of them close to me. “Thanks, guys.”

Felix punched me on the shoulder. “Stop crying, now, okay? Maybe Amelie likes it, but I don’t know…man up, Toni,” he said, and Amelie nudged him again.

“Come on,” I stood up and took a deep breath. “Let’s walk out with Amelie. And take the dogs for a walk.”

Gabi’s POV

I stepped outside for some fresh air, only to see Amelie across the road, playing with two dogs.

And that Toni guy from opposite. And another blonde guy that looked exactly like him.

I crossed the road and stood in front of them, confused, until Amelie turned around and saw me staring. “Hey, Gabi,” she said, glancing slightly at the two guys and then back at me. “Do you want to take a walk with us?”

I looked at the dogs, and then at Toni and the other guy – and I felt that feeling rising in my chest again. Déjà vu. I’d remembered some small things over the past week, and every time I’d have this feeling, this sickening feeling of knowing something from somewhere, but not knowing exactly where or when.

“You…” I started. “Are you guys twins?”

Toni and the blonde looked at each other, then back at me, and then it happened.

A rush of feeling, from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.

_“Are you guys twins?”_

_Laughter. “We get that a lot. He’s my younger brother.”_

_“Do you have a boyfriend?”_

_“But I’m not even moving in!”_

“Gabi,” Amelie’s voice brought me back to the present. “Gabi, you here?”

I stared at her, and then back at Toni. “Uh…” he said. “He’s my –“

“Younger brother,” I interrupted. “Toni…Felix…your younger brother.”

Toni’s eyes widened. “You remember?”

“I don’t know,” I whispered. “I don’t know how.”

He smiled. From the corner of my eye, I saw Amelie grab Felix’s arm and pull him beside her, so they were behind us. “Do you like dogs?” Toni asked me, after some hesitation.

“Yeah,” I squatted down and petted the dogs. “Your dogs are adorable.”

One of them, with a little brown spot on his back, came over and rubbed himself over my calf. “Awwww,” I ruffled the fur on his back. “What are their –“ I started, and then it came again. That rush of feeling. I gasped and covered my face with my hands, because my head started throbbing with thoughts.

_“What are their names?”_

_“They don’t have names.”_

_“He’s a Julius. I just look at him and I know he’s a Julius.”_

_“Don’t pee on my books.”_

_“Yeah, Lazy Lennox.”_

_“The little brown spot. It’s a lazy spot.”_

“Gabi,” Toni said gently. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Names,” I looked up and finished my sentence. “Lennox. He’s Lennox.”

“He’s Lennox,” Toni repeated, touching the little brown spot. “Yeah, he’s Lennox.”

“And Julius,” I reached over and touched the other beagle, my tears falling and hitting the ground. “Oh, my God.”

“Good job, Gabi,” Amelie ruffled my short, messy hair.

I didn’t know how I got those names back. I didn’t know how I got Felix, Lennox and Julius back. I just did. It just came to me. I stood up, confused, tears still in my eyes, and stared at the three of them. Suddenly, I felt really comfortable. As if these were the three people I’d been hanging out with most of the time. I didn’t know if that was true. I didn’t even know where this feeling was coming from.

Toni held out a leash to me. “Here, take Julius,” he said. “You named him.”

“I named him?”

“Yeah,” he smiled as we started walking down the street silently, with Amelie and Felix behind us.

“Um…” I broke the silence. “I’m sorry I…lost focus just now. Sometimes I just…remember things. Like, suddenly.”

“It’s okay.”

Amelie poked him in the back. “Tell her about what you do.”

_“Oh my God, are you older than you look?”_

_“I’m only sixteen.”_

_“Felix still plays for Rostock.”_

_Greifswald. Rostock. Felix. Bayern. Oh, my God, Bayern._

Toni was staring at me quietly. “Did you say something?” I asked him.

“No,” he replied. “You were in a daze again.”

“I saw you on TV,” I said, my voice disappearing. “On Saturday. On TV. You’re a footballer.”

“Yeah…yeah I am.”

“For Bayern,” I continued. “You play for Bayern. Bayern. I’m a Bayern fan, you know? That means…that means I’m your fan.”

He laughed. “Yeah, I guess so.”

I turned to Amelie. “A Bayern player lives across the road from us.”

Amelie laughed as well. “Yes, a Bayern player lives across the road from us.”

“How?” I asked, stopping to grab Toni’s shoulders and shake them. “Do I have your autograph yet? Can I get it? I want it. I want your autograph.”

“As many as you want,” he grinned.

“Wow,” I whispered. “I can’t believe this.”

We took a walk around the park and then headed home, all the while talking about Toni’s life at Bayern and Felix’s life at his new club Werder Bremen. Only a little of it sounded vaguely familiar, but somehow I was glad. I was glad that there were more people around to help me through the past five years.

“Thank you,” I said as I passed the leash back to Toni when we reached home. “I had a nice time.”

“It’s alright,” he smiled. That smile. It was so familiar. “Uh…you can drop by anytime, if you want. I’m always here if you want to talk.”

“Really?” I asked him, and he nodded. I turned to Amelie. “A Bayern player wants to chat with me,” I said in disbelief.

She burst out laughing. “Yes, Gabi. Don’t get too big-headed, though.”

“I guess I’ll see you then,” Toni smiled again, and for seemingly no reason at all I felt butterflies in my stomach. He reached out and squeezed mine and Amelie’s shoulders. “Bye, girls.”

Felix waved at us as they crossed the road back to their house. I stood next to Amelie and watched them until their front door closed behind them, and the living room lights turned on.

“That’s really good progress,” Amelie said.

“Yeah,” I turned around and walked back inside, so she followed. “I don’t know how. I just…I just remembered all those things.” I snapped my fingers. “Just like that. He made me remember so many things in such a short time.”

“Who, Toni?”

“Yeah…yeah, Toni.”

Amelie smiled knowingly. “Good, good. Toni is great. He’s great. You just wait and see.”

Toni’s POV

“That wasn’t bad, was it?” Felix asked. “I think she remembered more in one day than she did for the last three days.”

“I hope it lasts,” I said. “I hope she remembers what she remembered.”

“She will,” Felix patted my back. “It’s a great start.”

Felix was really tired after travelling all the way down to Munich, and he was going to leave the next day for training back in Bremen. I felt really bad that he had to come all the way here, so I left him alone in his room to rest.

I went and sat at my window, looking across the road at Gabi’s. It was the first time I’d done that since she’d woken up, and unlike before, now it was lit up.

Suddenly, Gabi’s familiar silhouette appeared at her windowsill, and she raised a hand to wave at me. It all felt so familiar. I raised a hand and waved back. I expected her to move away, to continue doing her stuff, but instead she just sat there, staring back at me. Exactly like old times.

Are you having flashbacks again, Gabi? When you wake up tomorrow, will you remember today? Will you remember me? Or will we go back to being strangers once again?

A while later, she raised her hand and waved again, before turning off the lights. Good night, Gabriele. Sleep tight. No bad dreams, no hallucinations, no waking up in the night screaming. Only good thoughts. Happy thoughts, Gabi, my precious Gabi.


	27. In Pieces

Gabi’s POV

_Gabi, please talk to me. Just pour it all out._

_It’s not stupid, I’ll listen._

_Laughter. Laughter traveling in the wind. My laughter. And my hair in the breeze. Swinging. Back and forth, the both of us._

_Have you ever had a girlfriend?_

_You’ll find him one day._

_Thank you so much, Toni._

_—_

_Through all my ups and downs, through all my debuts._

_I’m glad I got to watch all your firsts._

_Gabriele, my sun is rising._

_Right here on these steps._

_—_

_Elisa. Bertha. This is Toni._

_Mysterious neighbour guy?_

_Smiling. Mum and dad smiling._

_It’s not easy, dad said._

_Cry after every assist or goal?_

_Remember the last time we were alone?_

_—_

_I wanted to see you. I mean, I wanted to tell you how good you were._

_You’re my favourite person in the entire world._

_Climbed up the pipe. I climbed up the pipe…to my room._

_Tears. My tears. On the windowsill._

_I love you; I love you, too._

_—_

_Cologne? That’s less than an hour away from me!_

_Transfer? Why?_

_Every moment of every day._

_Cologne._

_What happened in Cologne?_

_Take all the pain away._

_Fuck me hard, Toni._

_Cologne._

Toni’s POV

I was woken up by an ear-piercing, blood-curdling scream from opposite. From Gabi’s room. It was unlike any other time. It was louder, more frightening, more piercing, cutting through the still night air, traveling through my window and shaking all my nerves.

I got up and turned on the light, and then I stood at my window as usual, watching as Amelie and her parents barged into Gabi’s room and hugged her tightly, trying to calm her down. I could hear her screaming and yelling. No, leave me alone. My head hurts. It hurts so much. I don’t know. I don’t know anything. Go away. It’s so noisy. Noisy. In my head.

After a while, she calmed down significantly, and her parents left the room, leaving Amelie there with her arms around Gabi, rocking her gently. She left Gabi on the bed, and then walked to the window and waved at me.

Come over, she waved. Slowly at first, and then more urgently.

I didn’t even care to change out of my pyjamas. I grabbed the little paper bag sitting on my table and rushed downstairs, out the door and across the road, dashing up the pipe and into Gabi’s room.

“What’s wrong?” I mouthed.

Amelie said nothing. She just went and sat down beside Gabi, wrapping her arms around her again. I could hear Gabi mumbling, but I couldn’t make out the words, until Amelie gestured for me to go closer.

She was mumbling my name. Over and over again. Toni. Cologne. Cologne. Toni. Toni. Cologne. Cologne. Cologne. Toni.

Amelie raised her eyebrows at me, and I shrugged. I didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t know how to handle it.

Suddenly, Gabi sat upright and started touching Amelie’s face. Her eyes were closed. Gabi never opened her eyes. “Toni,” she gasped. “TONI!”

“Shhhh,” Amelie said, prying Gabi’s hands from her face and pulling me violently towards the bed. “Shhhh, Toni’s here. He’s here.”

I sat down and wrapped my arms tightly around her for the first time in more than two months; the first time since before the accident. She felt the same. She smelt the same. She collapsed against me, leaning her cheek against my shoulder and staining my shirt with her tears. “I’m scared,” she whispered.

“It’s okay,” I whispered back, stroking her back gently. “It’s okay, I’m here. I’ll always be here.”

“It’s so noisy. It’s so noisy.”

“Can you hear me?” I asked, pulling away and holding her cheeks in my hands. “Can you see me? Anything?”

“No…yes…stop yelling. It’s so loud.”

I put her head back against my shoulder, not sure whether to be relieved or not. “It’s just a dream,” I whispered. “You’re dreaming, Gabi. It’s just a dream.”

“I’m scared,” she repeated.

“Shhhh, I’m here,” I said. “I’m here. I’ve got you.”

She heaved a huge sigh, and then her head fell against my neck and she went quiet. Her hands were still grabbing tightly onto the front of my shirt, gripping fistfuls of it, never letting go.

“Go to bed,” I told Amelie. “I’ll stay with her.”

She nodded her thanks and left the room, so I sat there and rocked Gabi gently until I was sure she was asleep. Then I gently removed my shirt from her grasp and lay her back down on her pillows, giving her a kiss on her head.

I picked up my paper bag, which I’d dropped on the floor, and took out the dreamcatcher inside to hang on the corner of her headboard, above her head.

“No more bad dreams, okay?” I whispered, sweeping Gabi’s hair, slick with sweat, away from her face. “No more hallucinations. Just good things. Only good things.”

When I tried to take my hand back, Gabi suddenly grabbed it tightly with both of hers, holding it close to her. She refused to let go, no matter how hard I tried to pry her fingers off. So I sat there, my hand trapped in hers, and watched her as she slept.

How is it like, Gabi? How is it like to have a fresh start, to forget everything and start anew? I can never imagine a life without you anymore, you know? How does it feel? Is it better not having me around? I will never know, Gabi. I’ll never know how it is to forget you. I never want to.

As I gazed at her, her eyes shot open and she stared straight at me, completely afraid. She gasped and let go of my hand, backing away from me until she rolled off the bed and landed on the floor with a thud.

I sat there, frozen, as her head popped up from the side of the bed. “What…why…why are you here? How did you get in?”

“You were having nightmares and calling for me,” I told her, and she continued staring at me, tears slowly rolling down her cheeks. “Okay, I’ll leave. I’ll leave now, okay? Don’t be scared. I’ll leave.”

“The pipe,” she whispered in realisation. “You climbed up the pipe.”

“I’m going to climb  _down_  the pipe now, okay?” I told her. “Please don’t be scared. Go back to bed, Gabi. Sweet dreams. I’ll leave.”

“Who are you?”

I stopped retreating. “Toni,” I cleared my throat as my voice started trembling. “You…you’ve forgotten me again?”

“No,” she said. “No, who  _are_  you? Who are you really? I keep dreaming…dreaming of you. But I don’t remember anything when I wake up. I…I don’t know.” She covered her face with her hands. “Who are you?”

I couldn’t cry in front of her, even though it hurt. It hurt that she had to wake up every night confused, yelling and thrashing around, because of me.

She stared at me as I walked around the bed and sat down beside her. “Gabi, it’s okay,” I told her. “Don’t think too much. I’m sorry that you wake up screaming because you’ve had bad dreams of me. Just…don’t think too much, okay?”

“I don’t know,” she whispered. “I don’t know what’s real…and what I’m just imagining. I can’t…tell the difference.” She wrapped her sheets tightly around her and slid next to me, so we were both leaning on the side of the bed. “Can you stay here with me?”

“Yeah…okay, if you want.”

“Why are you so nice to me?” she asked, reaching up and turning on her bedside lamp so she could see me better. “I mean…I’m just a normal girl, and you’re a footballer.” I just smiled at her, and she continued. “No, really. I don’t understand…your voice. Your voice is…it’s really familiar.” She closed her eyes, as if she was trying to remember. “Your voice…I like your voice.”

“You heard me, then? When you were sleeping in the hospital?”

“Oh, my God,” tears started falling down her face again. “That was you. It was you. You were talking to me. I heard you. I heard you talking to me.”

“Yeah,” I reached over and wiped her face. “Every day. I went there every day, hoping you’d wake up.”

“Why?” she asked again.

I looked at her. She was staring back at me with her beautiful big blue eyes, shining in the dim light, pleading with me. I thought of what Felix and Amelie said those weeks ago. I had to talk to her. I had to start from somewhere.

Gabi’s POV

“We were best friends,” Toni said. “You were my best friend.”

“Best friends?” I asked. “We were…best friends?”

“Yeah,” he smiled. “I couldn’t wait for you to wake up.”

“And I forgot you,” I whispered. “I forgot my best friend.”

He looked down, silent. And then he suddenly pointed to my headboard, where there was a dreamcatcher hanging. “I brought that for you. It lets the bad dreams slip through, and keeps the good ones for you. No more bad dreams, okay Gabi?”

I stared at him for a while, not believing how I could’ve forgotten such an important person, my heart sinking lower and lower as he continued looking on the ground.

There it was again. That feeling. The same feeling I felt when I stared at him through my window the other day. Warmness. Longing. I didn’t understand it then, but now the reason was so clear. I lunged across and wrapped my arms tightly around him. “I’m so sorry,” I sobbed. “I’m sorry I didn’t remember. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” his voice quivered. “You’re awake, and that’s all I could ever wish for.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. He didn’t answer. He just sat still and rigid in between my arms. “Why? I’m so sorry, Toni.”

“I figured it’d be better if you remembered it yourself,” he said.

“That’s why,” I pulled away from him, wiping away my tears desperately. “That’s why I remember so many things when I’m with you. Help me, Toni. You can help me. I trust you.”

“Really, you do? What if I’m lying to you?”

“You aren’t. I know you aren’t. I might not know anything else, but I know you aren’t lying to me.”

He laughed. “Thanks, Gabi.”

“Tell me everything,” I grabbed his arm and shook it eagerly. “Everything!”

So we sat there in the dimly lighted room in the middle of the night, on the floor next to my bed, our legs wrapped up in my sheets, and talked. He did most of it, but everything he said felt so familiar. I felt so warm inside, just listening to him. I even occasionally interrupted him when I recalled the event he was talking about. He told me everything, starting from when he moved in, when I brought the cookies to him. And how we hung out together in the evenings in the park, while he was still in the Bayern youth team, and even after he was promoted; how we always had dinner together with my family; how I always waited at his doorstep for him to return from home games, if I couldn’t make it down to the stadium; how he always climbed up the pipe into my room and spend entire afternoons or nights just talking to me; how we got Julius and Lennox together, just barely a month before the accident.

The accident.

_“Talk to me. Where does it hurt?”_

_“Please stay awake.”_

_“Just hang on, okay? You’ll be just fine.”_

_“Please don’t leave me.”_

_“Don’t cry, okay?”_

_“I’m so sorry, Gabi. I’m so sorry.”_

“You were there,” I whispered. “You were there when I had the accident.”

“Yeah,” he looked away, avoiding my eyes. “Yeah, I was.”

I closed my eyes as the memories came flooding in all at once, without any warning or any order, just flashes of images and words. Images that accompanied the stories Toni had told me – they all fell into place. And new images. New images, and new words.

_“You’ve rooted for Bayern all your life, now Bayern is rooting for you.”_

_“Please wake up soon.”_

_On a bed. A bed with wheels. X-rays, CT scans. Beeping. Everything was beeping._

_“Her ribs are healing nicely.”_

_“I miss her so much.”_

_Lips on my hand. Lips on my head._

_“I saw it. I saw you move. You can do it, okay?”_

_“She moved. My girl –“_

I blacked out. Suddenly, I completely blacked out.

Toni’s POV

Gabi collapsed against my shoulder, her body suddenly limp. She’d been a daze, and I’d just watched, because I knew she was remembering things. But she’d suddenly blacked out and fallen against me.

“Gabi,” I shook her. “Gabi, what’s wrong? Don’t scare me, Gabi.”

She didn’t respond, so I took her face in my hands and slapped her cheeks gently. “Gabriele,” I called. “Hey, can you hear me?”

She opened her eyes slightly and glanced at me, and then she opened them fully. “What happened?”

I laughed. “I was about to ask you that.”

She smiled and leaned her head on my shoulder. “I don’t remember what I ever did to deserve you as my best friend.”

“You don’t have to,” I told her. “I’ll always be your best friend, as long as you let me.”

She suddenly closed her eyes again. “My head hurts,” she said.

I put my arms around her and made her get up from the floor and sit on the bed. “Have some sleep, okay?” I looked outside the window. It was already bright outside. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry I kept you up. Don’t think too much, just sleep. Sleep well, and dream happy dreams.”

She lay back and closed her eyes, so I tucked her sheets around her. “Night, Gabi,” I said.

“Night, bestie,” she mumbled. “I’m not done with you, okay? I’m not done. I wanna know more.”

I gave her a gentle squeeze on the shoulder before turning off her lamp and climbing out the window. I paused as I went down, looking in at her for one last time.

She’d turned around to face me, to watch me as I went back down.

I smiled at her. “Bye,” I whispered.

“Bye,” she smiled back, gazing at me, her tired eyes with a slight hint of curiosity and eagerness. And hope. Belief. For the first time in weeks, her eyes shone with belief.

Old times. It was just like old times.


	28. Subliminal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song accompanying this chapter is Wait by M83.

Gabi’s POV

Thankfully, my condition stabilised enough for me to return to school for the winter semester. I had some trouble catching up, partly because I’d missed completing the summer assignments, but mostly because I still had some problems with my memory.

I still had to go for weekly therapy sessions with a psychologist, though honestly she didn’t have as large an impact on me as Toni did. I didn’t understand why. I still felt like I only knew bits and pieces about him, that I still didn’t know who he was. But yet, I felt the most comfortable around him.

Bayern’s season had been heating up with all the midweek European matches, so I hadn’t been seeing him very often because he was either away at training or at a match.

But he was standing there as I rounded the last corner towards the hospital, waiting for me with his training gear in one hand. “Hey,” he smiled as I approached him. “Time for therapy.”

I wrapped my arms tightly around him as I reached him. I felt him tense up, holding his breath and keeping his arms firmly by his sides. “I’ve missed you,” I told him, and he tensed up even more.

“Yeah,” he said softly, raising his free hand and putting it on my back hesitantly. “Me too.”

“Are you busy today?” I asked as we started walking into the hospital and towards the clinic. “You don’t have to come with me if you’re busy.”

“I’m not busy,” he said, and then he started to say something else, but he stopped.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he mumbled as we sat in the clinic, waiting for my appointment.

“Hey,” I nudged him. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

He turned his head slowly towards me and stared at me, his expression flashing briefly with affection before it was replaced by confusion. “No…” he said. “Not now, why?”

“You tense up every time I hug you,” I explained. “Like you’re afraid your girlfriend will be jealous.”

He laughed half-heartedly. “I don’t have a girlfriend,” he confirmed. I must have looked anything but convinced, because he started laughing more loudly. He scooted over closer to me and pulled me tightly against him, his strong, comfortable arms wrapping me up in a warm hug. “Here, a nice big hug for you.”

“Awwww,” I rested my chin on his shoulder. “Thanks, Toni.”

“Yeah,” he whispered, keeping his arms around me, the both of us huddling in the corner of the waiting room. “Uh…Gabi?”

“What?”

“I have something to tell you.”

“Yeah, just say it.”

He went quiet, so quiet that if his arms hadn’t been around me, I’d have forgotten that he was there. I wasn’t even sure if he was breathing.

“Um…” he started after what seemed like eternity. “Gabi, you were my –“

“Gabriele?” someone suddenly called. I looked up and saw my therapist; it was my turn. Toni startled and let go of me, his face pink with frustration and desperation.

“Wait a moment,” I told her. I turned back to Toni, who was looking down, avoiding my gaze. “What did you want to say?”

“Nothing,” he mumbled, shaking his head. “It’s nothing. It can wait. Go inside, okay? I’ll talk to you later.”

He looked up, smiled briefly at me and then my therapist, and then squeezed my shoulder and walked out of the waiting room.

Toni’s POV

“Girlfriend,” I whispered as I stood with my back to the door leading to the waiting room. “Gabi, you were my girlfriend.”

I punched the wall next to me. Why was it so hard? Why was it so hard for me to tell her? I was such a coward. Maybe I was afraid she wouldn’t believe me, that she would think I was trying to take advantage of her. Maybe I was afraid that it would ruin our friendship.

I walked straight to the restrooms, placed my training bag on the floor, and splashed my face with cold water over and over again. You have to wake up, Toni. Make up your mind, and stop making her confused. Either you tell her, or you don’t. Don’t stop halfway.

I went back to the waiting room and found a corner seat, so I leaned against the wall and lost myself in my thoughts; all my thoughts about Gabi, me, our past, and our future.

Before I’d known it, an hour had passed, and Gabi’s session ended.

“How was it?” I asked without opening my eyes as I felt her sit down beside me.

“Fine,” she sighed.

“Did you remember anything new?”

“No,” she said softly. “Sorry.”

I opened my eyes and smiled at her. “Don’t be sorry, Gabriele.”

Her head shot up and she stared at me, an intense look of realisation in her eyes. I saw her calculating and analysing, the wheels turning in her head.

“What?” I asked. “Did I say something wrong?”

“Gabriele,” she whispered. “No one close to me calls me Gabriele except when they’re trying to get my attention.” She extended her arm and grabbed me tightly. “You called me Gabriele.”

I never noticed that. I never noticed how I was the only one who always called her Gabriele. “I like calling you Gabriele,” I told her.

“Why?”

“Because it’s a beautiful name,” I said, and she finally smiled. “I like your name.”

“Thanks,” she said, still distracted. She stood up and walked out of the room, forgetting that I was there, lost in her own thoughts. I got up and walked behind her quietly, just making sure she was safe, not wanting to disrupt her memories.

Gabi’s POV

Gabriele. He called me Gabriele.

I shouldn’t have gotten so worked up, because it was just a name. But I did, and I couldn’t understand why. I didn’t understand why it struck such a deep chord in me when he called me Gabriele.

_“Gabriele! You’re really moving over?”_

_“Gabriele…”_

_“I will give you everything, Gabriele.”_

_“Gabriele, darling.”_

_“Please hold on, Gabriele.”_

“Hey,” Toni tapped me gently on the shoulder, and I woke up from my daze only to realise that I’d walked past my house.

“Oh, we’re here,” I said. “Did we walk all the way here?”

“Yeah,” he faked breathlessness. “You have good lungs.”

I laughed. “You too, midfield machine.”

“I guess I’ll see you, then,” he smiled, checking for traffic before beginning to walk backwards across the road. But suddenly, his expression changed completely, as if he’d seen something he never thought he would. He was looking to my left, to the sidewalk on my left. He stopped walking and stared, the look in his eyes turning from surprise to anger, and then to disbelief.

I followed his gaze and saw a man walking towards us, staring at me intently, seemingly unaware that Toni was staring daggers at him. He was too far for me to see his face. I turned to Toni, who began to walk towards me. “What’s happening?” I asked.

He didn’t answer. He just walked quickly towards me and wrapped his arms around me, shielding me from the man.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Toni said to him. It was the first time I heard him swear, I thought. But then I remembered another time.

_You shut your fucking mouth right now._

_Cologne._

Before I could remember anything else, I heard the man say, “I wanted to apologise. I just want to apologise, please just let me apologise.”

“After four months?” Toni demanded. “It took you four fucking months?”

_Don’t just sit there! Call a fucking ambulance!_

“Who is he?” I asked, my voice trembling, still not being able to see the mysterious man. Toni didn’t respond, but I could feel him breathing rapidly as he continued pressing my face against his chest.

“I’m sorry,” the man said, presumably to me. “I’m really, really sorry. I didn’t mean to…I didn’t mean to hurt you. I really didn’t mean to. And I’m sorry it took me so long to come over. I never got the guts to. I don’t expect you to forgive me, I just want to apologise, and I just want to…maybe…what can I do to help? Is there anything –“

“No,” Toni interrupted. “Nothing. There’s nothing you can do. You’ve apologised, okay? Now please leave. Please just…just leave.”

My curiosity was boiling over. With all the strength I could muster, I pushed Toni away and raised my head in the man’s direction.

His face was twisted with guilt and frustration, but I recognised it. I would recognise that face anywhere.

_Those eyes, a deep dark brown, so full of terror the last time I saw them. Horrified. No turning back. Closer and closer._

_A car. A large, black car. Moving towards me, the headlights blinding me._

_I pushed someone. I pushed someone, and I heard the rustle of leaves. The squeak of tires. His mouth, his open mouth. His eyes staring right at me, as if he could move me aside that way. Dizzy. I was dizzy._

_I put out my arms. Don’t, please stop moving. Don’t come near me, please. I’m so scared._

_Memories. Everything flashed before me. If I ever doubted that someone’s life would flash before their eyes in their last moments, that night my doubts were put to rest._

_Something hit me. Something hit me hard. Glass breaking. Red. Everything was red. And I got dizzier, and I fell off something._

_Gabi, please stay awake. Talk to me. Gabriele, please hold on._

_Promise me you’ll be strong, Toni._

_I couldn’t see anything. I couldn’t see. I grabbed someone’s hand. Don’t cry, I said. Don’t cry, okay?_

_Blood. So much blood. Everything was red._

_Pain. Everything hurt. My head hurt, a thousand knives piercing through it. My chest. I couldn’t breathe. Everything hurt. Everything._

_It was so dark, and then it was so bright. It was so bright. I didn’t know if it was the car headlights, or it was the white lights that marked the end of my life._

Toni’s POV

Gabi stood there, she just froze in place, staring at him, her eyes open wide and tears slowing falling out of them. Staring at the driver. The man whose reckless driving caused her to be in the state she was.

I tried to grab her, to wrap my arms around her again, but suddenly she started screaming. It was like the other night, when I rushed across to comfort her. It was loud and sharp, a sickening sound. She screamed, grabbed her head with both hands, pulled hard on her hair, and collapsed on the ground on her knees, sobbing loudly.

“Gabi,” I ran and knelt beside her. “Gabi, shhhh, it’s okay, I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”

She continued screaming and sobbing. I grabbed her head and pulled her tightly against me.

“Are you happy now?” I asked the man. “Okay, you’ve apologised, thank you, now can you please leave? Please. Don’t do this to her.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, frightened by all the noise she was making. “I’m so sorry.”

He turned around and went back to his car, so I focused on Gabi, who had started shivering violently in my arms. “Shhhh, Gabi,” I tried again. “It’s okay, he’s gone. He’s gone, Gabi. Please stop crying.”

She stopped screaming, but she was still sobbing loudly, so I sat down on the ground and pulled her onto my lap, stroking her back gently.

Suddenly, she pulled away from my grasp and crawled to a drain nearby. She started dry heaving, wanting to puke but nothing coming out of her mouth. I took out a clean towel from my training bag and went next to her, pulling her close to me and cleaning her face with it.

“It’s okay,” I whispered. “You’re okay, Gabi. You’re okay. You’ll be just fine. Shhh, Gabriele.”

She wrapped her shaking arms around me. “I’m scared,” she whispered. “I’m so scared.”

“He’s gone,” I told her, trying to keep my own tears in. It hurt me so much to see her like this. “Nobody’s going to hurt you. I won’t let anyone hurt you. I’ve got you, okay Gabi?”

“It hurts,” her voice was hoarse. “Hurts…everywhere. Everything hurts.”

I looked towards her place. Amelie and her parents weren’t home yet. “Do you have a key?” I asked.

“It’s so cold,” she mumbled.

I stood up and hoisted her up onto my back, grabbing my training bag and running across the road to my place. I carried her up to my room and placed her down on my bed. She was still shivering slightly.

She’d already fallen asleep by the time I’d gotten a basin of warm water and a soft cloth to clean her up, so I sat down next to her on the bed and did it as gently as I could.

I went back downstairs to put everything away, and I came back only to see Gabi thrashing around on the bed, her eyes closed and the sheets in a heap on the floor. She was mumbling inaudibly, swinging her hands around, trying to find something to hold on to.

I ran over, picking up the sheets along the way. As soon as I was within reach of her, she grabbed my arm and jerked me violently towards her.

“Don’t leave me,” she whispered.

Don’t be like this, Gabi, I wanted to say. Please be strong. You have to be strong. I’ll always be here for you, but there are so many things I can’t help you with. I love you so much, Gabriele. I love you.

“Go back to sleep, okay?” was what I said instead. “I’ll be here.”

I tried to take my arm back, but she refused to let go. “Sleep with me,” she mumbled. “I need you. Sleep with me.”

I bit my lip as my tears threatened to fall down my face. I need you too, Gabriele. The old you.

I gently shifted her to the other side of the bed, and then I crawled in beside her and lay down as still as I could, facing up at the ceiling. She didn’t let go of me, instead she moved closer and leaned her head on my shoulder.

It was all I could do to resist my urge to turn over and wrap my arms around her tightly, to hold her as she slept, just like how I’d done so all those nights before. I lay there, my free arm draped over my eyes, trying not to shed any more tears. I lay there as still as I could, not exactly sure if climbing into bed with her was the right thing to do.

I lay there next to the love of my life, because there was nothing more I could do for her, no matter how much I wanted to.


	29. Little Steps

Toni’s POV

I couldn’t sleep, not because Gabi’s grip cut off all the blood supply to my arm, but because it hurt to be so close to her yet not being able to do anything to relieve her pain. I couldn’t control what she could or could not remember, and I couldn’t control what hurt her or what didn’t.

I’d texted Amelie earlier to tell her that Gabi was sleeping over for the night, but obviously her family was worried, because my phone buzzed with another text after midnight.

“How’s Gabi?”

I picked my phone up from the table before it could make any more noise and wake Gabi up. “She’s fine. Still sleeping. I’ll bring her across tomorrow.”

I put the phone back down, heaved a sigh and turned my head towards Gabi, only to find myself jump a little when I saw two bright blue spots in the darkness. Her eyes.

“Did I wake you up?” I whispered. “Sorry.”

She shook her head and smiled. “Thank you.”

I smiled back. “Go back to sleep, okay?”

“You were there,” she said suddenly. “I pushed you…so you wouldn’t get hit. Right?”

“Yeah,” I said, feeling as if my heart was trying to escape from my mouth. I closed my eyes, so she wouldn’t see the guilt that was suddenly overwhelming me.

“Is that why you wouldn’t talk to me for so long? Because…because you felt bad?”

“I’m so sorry.”

She sat up, letting go of me. “You’re really my best friend, right?”

“Yeah,” I said again. “You…don’t believe me?”

“Are you doing this because you feel bad?” she asked, her voice trembling. “Are you taking care of me because you feel responsible for this?”

“No,” I said. Where was this coming from? “No, Gabi. I’m not.”

“Really?”

“I’m sorry you feel like this,” I sat up and faced her. “I’m sorry, Gabi. I’m sorry you don’t believe me.”

She sat there, staring at me, her aquamarine eyes piercing right through me, just like her words did. They glittered with tears, which slowly spilled over and fell down her face.

“Hey,” I reached over and wiped her face with my thumbs, desperately trying to keep my own tears in. “Hey, please don’t cry. I’m sorry, Gabriele. I’m really sorry you feel this way. Do you want to go back home? I’ll take you back home.”

I turned on the bedside lamp, got up and pulled her along, but she pulled me back so I plopped back down on the bed next to her. She grabbed my face in both her hands, staring at me some more, the look of confusion never leaving her eyes. And then she suddenly leaned forward and wrapped her arms tightly around me, nearly knocking me over backwards.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “That…that was wrong. It didn’t make sense. I’m sorry.”

“You were my best friend,” I told her. “And I believe I was yours.”

“You were,” she said. “I know you were. I remember it. I remember all the fun we had together.”

The fun we had together just as friends. Just friends, and nothing more. I didn’t know whether to be glad that we had been the best of friends. Everything we did together as a couple could be weird or embarrassing, and it didn’t matter. We could always pass off as just best friends.

“Really?” I put my arms around her. “You really do?”

“Most of it,” she paused. “I…I don’t remember what happened in 2009. Last year.”

Leverkusen. Cologne. Josef.

“I went to Leverkusen,” I started slowly. “And you stayed here…until summer, when I came back.”

As weird as it sounded, I didn’t want her to remember Cologne. I didn’t want her to remember all the hurt that Josef inflicted on her. Although our five months in Mülheim were the best five months ever in terms of our relationship, I couldn’t bear for her to remember all the hurt that accompanied it.

“Oh,” she whispered. “Yeah, I know you went there.”

“You don’t remember a single thing after that?”

“No,” she quivered. “Who can help me? If not you? If I wasn’t with you, who can help me now?”

“It’ll come back,” I said, running my hand down her hair, which had already grown a few inches. “It will come back one day.”

She pulled away and turned around, looking at my room. “This room…it’s really familiar.”

“You used to come here,” I explained. “When I was in Leverkusen. You came and hung out here by yourself.”

She smiled. “Really?” she looked around again. “Yeah, I remember. I sat here and did my work.”

“Does it help?” I asked. “If I tell you things? Does it help you remember?”

She nodded. “Yeah, I remember so many things because of you.”

“Everything I say?”

“Well…” she hesitated. “There are some things I still don’t remember, even though you’ve told me. I’m sorry. I just…I can’t tell what’s real from what’s fake sometimes. Like just now. I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, don’t be sorry,” I smiled. “It’s okay. It’s really okay. Take your time, okay?”

“It’s just…there are some things that don’t make any sense,” she continued. “Sometimes I remember things, but I don’t remember the faces that came together with them. Like…like I remember holding someone’s hand. I remember someone holding my hand and telling me nice things, really sweet things. But I don’t remember who or what. I don’t remember having a boyfriend. Did I have a boyfriend? I don’t remember him.”

My heart sank. She didn’t remember having a boyfriend. Not at all.

“Uh…” I began, but there was suddenly scratching sounds at the bedroom door. Julius and Lennox, saving the day. I got up and let them in.

They ran straight to Gabi and stood on her lap, licking her face.

“Awww,” Gabi giggled. “Good boys.”

“They really like you,” I said.

“Who wouldn’t?” she joked.

I burst out laughing. “Yeah, who wouldn’t like you?”

“You know, you must have many suitors, right?” she asked, running her hands down the dogs’ fur. “Like…girls. Do you like any girls?”

You, I wanted to say. I like you. No, I love you. I always have.

“Not really,” I said instead. “Don’t worry, you’ll be the first to know.”

“Yeah, you’ll be the first to know if I like any boys, too,” she looked at me and smiled, her eyes without even a hint of the love that it usually contained whenever she gazed at me. Nothing. Nothing at all.

Gabi’s POV

I lay back down on the bed as Julius and Lennox settled on my feet, and tugged on Toni’s shirt so he’d join me. He smiled, and reached over to tuck a stray bunch of hair behind my ear.

“I like you,” I said.

His eyes widened, and his hand froze, hovering in the air above my ear. “What do you mean?”

“I like you,” I repeated. “You’re a good person.”

“Oh,” he said, seemingly disappointed, and then he punched my shoulder playfully. “Stop being so polite, Gabi.”

_“Don’t be so insecure, Gabi.”_

_“You’re my favourite person in the entire world.”_

_“You make me so alive.”_

_“You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.”_

_“There’s no other train wreck I’d rather try to salvage.”_

_“You were amazing.”_

_“Your words are as sweet as your moves.”_

“Gabi,” Toni called. “Hey, you here?”

“Yeah,” I said, snapping out of it. “Yeah, sorry.”

“You wanna sleep now?” he asked, but I didn’t answer. Suddenly, I was so immersed in his eyes, his bluish-grey eyes, such a beautiful, familiar colour. He reached out and poked my nose. “Gabi.”

“Your eyes,” I whispered. “They’re the colour of…”

“Seawater,” he finished.

“Seawater,” I confirmed. “That’s right.”

“You told me that before,” he smiled. “That was the nicest thing anyone could ever say to me.”

_Your eyes are the exact colour of that seawater._

_All the things I feel happy thinking about._

_“Remember you told me you wanted to go back to the beach in Perissa again? I’ll bring you there.”_

“Perissa,” I said, and Toni’s eyes widened again, his mouth opening slightly, a look of surprise flashing across his face, as if Perissa was some secret code for something.

“That’s a place,” he said slowly. “In Greece.”

“The beach,” I said. I didn’t know where all of this was coming from. The words just came out of my mouth as soon as the thoughts appeared in my head. “The beach. The seawater. The sunrise. You were there. Toni, you were there. And Felix, and Amelie…and our parents. We were at Perissa.”

“Do you remember what we did there?” he asked hopefully.

“Can you bring me there?” I asked instead of answering. “Please? Just bring me there.”

He hesitated, looking away and avoiding my gaze, and then he smiled. “Okay, I’ll bring you there,” he said. “If you aren’t afraid that it’ll be cold?”

“I’m not,” I said eagerly.

“Then I’ll bring you there during my winter break, okay? Can you wait for me? It’s only about…three weeks away.”

“Okay,” I grinned. “We’re going to Greece!”

“Yeah, we’re going to Greece!”

I slid across the bed and hugged him. “Thank you so much, Toni. Thank you for everything. Every single thing.”


	30. Forget Me Not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song accompanying this chapter is Pompeii by Bastille.

Toni’s POV

Gabi was almost prancing around in excitement as we landed in Santorini. If I hadn’t been holding on to her arm, she would’ve wandered off on her own. It reminded me of the last time we were here. Except this time, we were only friends.

It was strange, because it was winter, and the weather was much colder than it was the last time we’d been there. She dumped her things on the floor of the room – which had twin beds, of course – and immediately dragged me out the door. “Come on,” she whined. “Move faster!”

“Will you tell me?” I asked. “If you remember anything?”

“Everything,” she promised. “Whatever I remember, I’ll tell you.”

She seemed to know the way to the beach, so I let her lead me. She ran down the beach to the water until it reached her knees, and then she stood there, her hair flowing with the wind, and stared out at the horizon. I walked down slowly and stood next to her, my hands in my pockets.

“It’s beautiful,” she whispered.

“Yeah, it is,” I said. It was beautiful. It was beautiful for an entirely different reason from the one in her mind. It was beautiful because it was where we had our first holiday together. Our first sunrise, literally and figuratively. The best night of our lives. The night Gabi became mine.

She sat down in the water in a daze, not saying a word, so I sat down next to her and splashed water on her gently. “Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just…thinking.”

“We played for a while here,” I tried helping her along. “You, me, Felix and Amelie.”

“Felix kept beating me,” she mumbled.

“And you beat me.”

“I did?” she looked at me, confused. “I did…”

I sighed. “It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry, Toni.”

“It’s okay,” I smiled. “Just enjoy yourself here, okay? I just want you to enjoy yourself. Nothing else matters.”

We sat there quietly, the waves lapping gently against us, lost in our thoughts. Except that I knew exactly what I was thinking about, and Gabi didn’t.

Gabi’s POV

I didn’t know what I was supposed to remember. I know it hurt Toni, but I didn’t know why. I didn’t understand. I sat there, the sound of the waves just confusing me even more instead of calming me.

“This place means a lot to you, doesn’t it?” I asked without looking up.

“Yeah,” Toni replied softly, and I expected him to explain more, but he didn’t.

“What happened here?” I tried to keep my voice from trembling.

He turned and looked at me, starting to say something, but then he hesitated. “Why are you crying?” he said instead, reaching over and pulling me closer to him. “Gabi, don’t cry.”

“I’m crying?”

He laughed softly. “Yeah, you’re crying,” he found a dry spot on his t-shirt and used it to wipe my face.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered.

“Don’t be sorry,” he smiled. “Please don’t be sorry.”

“Why are you always smiling?” I shook my head. “You’re always smiling.

“I…I don’t want to make you upset.”

_“One day I’ll beat you at this whole being smooth thing.”_

_“You make everything okay. Just like that. Without even trying.”_

_“It isn’t as much of me as it is you trusting me.”_

“Smooth,” I whispered.

He chuckled. “Yeah, you used to say I was smooth.”

“We were very close…weren’t we?”

He nodded. “Really close.”

“Something good happened here…right?” I started. “I know, I just know I’m supposed to be happy when I think of this place. But I can’t remember why.”

“I guess you could say that,” he said, pausing for a moment before he continued. “Gabi, you don’t have to force yourself. I mean…if you remember, then great, but if you don’t, then don’t be upset, okay? It takes time. Perhaps you won’t remember until a few months or a few years later. Maybe…maybe you won’t remember it at all. And I know I don’t have any right to say this, but I think it doesn’t matter. As long as you’re alive, and as long as you’re living life just how you want to in the future, nothing else will matter as much.”

I nodded. “Thank you,” I mumbled. “But…but I really want to remember what happened here, since it means so much to you.”

He smiled sadly. “It mattered a lot to me. Maybe it didn’t matter to you.”

——

I lay in bed the entire night, not being able to sleep. My thoughts were all jumbled up, running through my head like bullet trains. I didn’t know what to believe. I didn’t know if they were real, or if they were made-up scenarios.

I turned around in bed to face the window, watching as the breeze softly rustled the leaves outside.

The leaves.

I closed my eyes as the thoughts became more intense, so much more intense than they had been for the entire day.

_Leaves rustling. The waves hitting the shore. A candle flickering, then sizzling as it went out._

_No parents. No parents now, someone said._

_It was warm. It was so comfortable. And soft. There were blankets everywhere. I was lying in a huge pool of blankets._

_Someone’s hand slithered up my leg. Up my leg and under my shawl, and up my back. You feel so good. My shawl disappeared. Then my underwear._

_And then it happened. Someone with the gentlest hands ever, the gentlest grasp, the gentlest movements, as if he worshipped every single part of my body. As if he respected every single inch of it. His lips, his hands, all over me. It felt so good. I felt so worshipped._

_It was the best feeling. The best sensation ever, spreading throughout my body, through every cell. It was absolute bliss. I felt like I could relive that night over and over again._

_Amelie. Amelie sliding across our bed towards me. Watching the sunrise? A secret code for having sex? Was it good? Aw, my baby sister lost her virginity on a beach._

I snapped out of it with a gasp. I looked across at the other bed, but Toni was in the same position as before. He didn’t respond to the sound I’d made.

“Toni,” I whispered. “Toni, are you asleep?”

He gave a little grunt.

I got up, turned on the bedside lamp, and went to sit on his bed next to him. “Toni,” I called.

His eyes shot open. “Yeah? What’s wrong?” he sat upright. “Is anything wrong?”

“Can you go down to the beach with me?”

“Now?” he checked the time. “It’s 3 in the morning.”

“Please?” I used my best puppy-eyed look on him.

He laughed. “Okay, let’s go to the beach.”

Toni’s POV

Gabi practically dragged me down to the beach. I was so tired, I wanted to just sit down on the ground, but she pulled me along down the road and to the black sand beach.

She paused, looking towards the beach shelters, as if she was looking at something completely different. There was a dreamy look in her eyes. She stood and stared at the shelters, and then she let go of my hand and started walking eagerly towards them.

She stopped at that very shelter. That very one under which we spent that night together, under the stars. Then, she turned around and stared at me.

“Come here,” she said, so I went closer. She sat down, and patted the ground beside her, so I plopped down next to her. She took off her jacket, and then reached over and took mine off. “Can you do me a favour?” she asked.

“What is it?”

“Touch me.”

“WHAT?” I almost yelled. “I mean…touch…what?”

“Me,” she said matter-of-factly. “Touch me.”

“Touch…you?” I was so confused. My brain was about to explode.

“God, Toni, are you really a boy?” she rolled her eyes, reaching out and grabbing both my hands. She slid them under her shirt and onto her belly.

I felt myself shiver a little as our skin touched. It had been ages since I last did this. I froze, not sure what to do next or if it was even the right thing to do.

She grabbed my hands again and moved them against her. “Just do it,” she whispered, her eyes closed. “I trust you. Do it.”

The next few things I did, I did without thinking. I didn’t think at all. I just did it. I ran my hands gently towards her back and then upwards, making her arch her back and gasp in anticipation. I raised my arms and pulled her shirt off, and then I ran my lips gently, teasingly over her neck.

She gave a low moan, and her hands found my hair, her fingers running excitedly through it. I lay her down on her back and started kissing her stomach urgently, slowly moving downwards to the waistband of her shorts.

With my hands on her breasts, still covered by her bra, I kissed my way back upwards towards her neck, nibbling at her earlobe. I climbed on top of her and grabbed her thighs, guiding them around my waist, my lips never leaving her skin, yet never reaching her face.

It was so hot. I felt so hot everywhere.

Before I could do anything else, Gabi opened her eyes and grabbed my face with both hands. Violently, she pulled my face upwards, until it was hovering closely above hers. I could feel her warm breaths, as shallow as mine, blowing hot air across my face.

“It was you,” she panted, her eyes shining with realisation. “It was you. And me. Here.”

I suddenly realised what I’d done. I’d touched her, I’d almost gone all the way with her, even though she wasn’t my girlfriend anymore.

I quickly pulled away from her and sat up, grabbing her shirt and throwing it towards her. “Sorry,” I said. “I’m so sorry.”

“It was you,” she repeated over and over again.

“I’m sorry, Gabi,” I buried my face in my hands, trying to calm myself down. “I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad.”

“No,” she reached over and pulled my hands away. “I’m not mad.”

“Really?” I asked, and then I remembered she’d asked me to touch her in the first place. “Why…why did you ask me to…touch you?”

“Because I remember,” she said, holding her shirt close to her chest, shivering slightly in the cold night, staring at me intently. “I remember someone…someone doing that to me. Here. On this beach. At this time of the night. It was great. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.” She scooted over close to me and stuck her face close to mine again. “It was you. Only you would touch me like that. Like…just like just now. Like you worshipped every part of my body.”

I didn’t understand why, but I felt so busted. And embarrassed. As if I didn’t want her to find out, but she did anyway. It was strange, because I wanted more than anything else for her to see who I really was.

“We…you…” she continued. “We did it. Right here. You took my…my first time.”

I couldn’t read her expression at all. It was just confusion, amazement, and nostalgia all rolled into one. “Are you…angry with me?”

“No,” she whispered. “I just…why did we do it?”

Because we loved each other, I wanted to say. Do you remember that? Do you remember that we loved each other, or do you only remember the sex?

“You don’t remember why?” I asked instead.

“Is it because you were really horny?” she guessed.

I paused, and I thought. And then I remembered that I’d initiated it in the first place, on that night two years ago.

“Maybe,” I couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, I guess I was really horny.”

“Oh, my God,” she put on her shirt slowly, still staring straight ahead in a daze. “I had sex with my best friend.”

Her best friend. Her  _best friend._

“You remember it?”

“Yeah…I remember it now. Every second of it. I cried…right? I cried after it. I’m such a crybaby.”

“Do you regret it?”

“No,” she smiled. “It was nice.”

Nice. It was  _nice._

I didn’t know how to respond, so I conjured a laugh. “Thanks.”

“It was your first time too, right?” she asked, and I nodded without looking at her. “Is that why this place means so much to you? Is it because of this?”

“Yeah.”

She laughed. “I feel honoured.”

I reached over and poked her nose. “Thanks for remembering.”

“Thanks for helping me,” she giggled. “Can I hug you? Will it be awkward?”

“No, it won’t,” I laughed, but she still hesitated, so I reached over and enveloped her in a tight hug.

“You know, I’m glad that I didn’t actually hook up with some random guy here,” she said. “And I don’t think I’d rather have done it with anyone else first…you know, in case I screw things up with another person.”

“Yeah…I guess so.”

“Would you do it again? I mean…if you felt like it?”

“Why? Do  _you_  want to do it again?”

“Toni!” she punched me in the ribs, and then she started giggling again. “We shared our first. I guess that means we’re best friends forever.”

“Yeah,” I said into her hair so she wouldn’t be able to see how her words pierced through my heart like daggers. “Best friends forever.”

Just best friends. Best friends who could test things out with each other before embarrassing themselves in front of other people.

It was pretty obvious by then that she still hadn’t rediscovered her feelings towards me, so I didn’t pursue it any further. At least she remembered, I thought. Maybe one day she’ll remember more.

We sat there under the glittering night sky, talking about life. She wanted to know about Bayern, so I told her all the training stories I could remember. I told her how Miro and Bastian had visited her at the hospital, and she nodded in recollection. She asked me if I’d take her to see them again, and I promised her I would.

We sat there under the glittering night sky, at the very place we first became each other’s – except this time, we were only friends.


	31. Square One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song accompanying this chapter is White Shadows by Coldplay.

Gabi’s POV

“How is it like?” Toni had asked me. “To forget everything, to start afresh?”

I thought about it. I thought about it for a really long time, all the way during the flight home, and then for a few weeks after that, while he was away at training camp and mid-season friendlies.

“Scary,” I finally told him as he climbed in my window and sat down on my bed. “It’s scary. I don’t get a fresh start. I just get paused in some random time five years ago, with nothing to fill the space in between then and now. Nothing at all. And then…and then sometimes my mind desperately tries to find things to fill up that empty space, you know? It comes up with random things, things that…I don’t know are real or not. And it gets even scarier.”

“Maybe…maybe there were some people you’d rather not have met?” he asked. “And you’ve forgotten them, not everyone gets that opportunity. If you can call it that.”

“Were there people I’d rather not have met?” I went over and sat beside him. He didn’t answer me. He just looked down at his lap. “Are you talking about yourself? I’d want to meet you, Toni. If you gave me a million chances to unmeet you, I wouldn’t use a single one.”

He smiled. “Thanks.”

“And it isn’t just because you’re a Bayern player,” I continued. “Although you know, that’s a really nice bonus to have.”

“I know,” he finally looked up at me. “We met before Bayern happened.”

“Did I meet someone I wanted to unmeet?”

“Maybe,” he smiled mysteriously. “But if I were to tell you that, then it would be ironic, because now you’ve unmet him.”

“I hate you.”

He laughed. “Love you too.”

I froze. It was rather surprising, but ever since I’d returned from the hospital, no one had told me that they loved me. Or at least, no one had said that with as much impact on me as Toni had.

_I love you. I love you, Gabriele. I love you so, so much, I don’t think I’ll ever say it enough. Gabi, I love you so much._

_I hate you. Too bad, I love you._

_I love you, Gabi baby. You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. I’d do anything for you, Gabi. Anything at all._

_You are mine, okay? I’m not going to share you. I love you, Gabi. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you._

_I love you, too. Don’t you ever, ever forget that._

I didn’t notice I was staring at Toni until he got worried and asked me, “Did I say anything wrong?”

“No,” I whispered, snapping out of my daze, getting up and walking to the door. “Come on, let’s go downstairs for dinner.”

——

Was I asleep, or was I awake? I kept replaying that statement over and over again in my head as I lay in bed, even though a few days had already passed.  _Love you too._

I bit my lip as tears fell out of my eyes, my head throbbing like never before. But I couldn’t sleep. I had to get to the bottom of this. I had to find out what was bothering me. I couldn’t continue depending on Toni and my family for the rest of my life.

Words. Images. Everything flashing past, but everything was so clear. Everything hit the right chords. I remembered everything.

_Thank you, baby. Thanks for saving me. I love you so, so much. Please wake up soon, alright? I want to see your pretty blue eyes, and hear your voice. Please, baby._

_I miss your eyes, and your voice, and your smile. I miss you, baby._

_I know you’re trying. Don’t ever stop trying._

I took out the large, cream-coloured seashell that Toni had found on the beach in Perissa and given to me. I’d lied to him. I didn’t remember every single thing about that special night we spent together. I didn’t remember why we were on that beach in the middle of the night, without our parents.

I didn’t remember what happened after that, after we’d done it. I closed my eyes again, the seashell gripped tightly in my hand, hoping it’d give me something more to hold on to.

_Sun. Sunblock. I passed the tube to Toni. Help me put it on._

_He undid my bikini top to apply the sunblock. His hand slipped under my bikini bottom. Why? Why did he do that?_

_I’d beaten him. I’d beaten him in that water game. How? How did I beat him?_

_I’d cried after we did it. I cried, and he was worried that he’d hurt me. I told him no. What else? What else did we say to each other?_

I sat up in bed, my eyes still closed. It was coming. All the answers were coming, all at once. Focus, Gabi. You have to focus.

_I love you so much. You have to be strong, okay? Don’t cry, Toni._

_Please don’t leave me. Please stay awake, Gabi._

_He grabbed my hand. I grabbed his face. Toni’s face. He was weeping. He was utterly, completely broken._

_Don’t just sit there! Call a fucking ambulance!_

Toni. The last voice I’d heard before I’d gone to sleep. And the first voice I’d heard when I woke up. Who are you, Toni? Who are you really? Who?

Cologne. That word appeared in my dreams, in my visions, over and over again, but I never understood why. Cologne. What happened in Cologne?

_I stay in Mülheim, near the river, and it’s so close. You’re really coming over? That’s worth more than a stare. I could do this every day._

_You’re not my friend with benefits. I’m sorry._

_I can barely breathe when I look at you, Gabi. I’m not being in this relationship just for physical reasons. My hand. My hand on his heart. I felt it beat, I felt it accelerate as he continued gazing at me. That’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever said or done to me, I told him._

_You’re the most beautiful, most faithful girl I’ve ever met, Gabi. It doesn’t matter what other people think of you._

_I’m so sorry I’m such a burden to you. I’m so sorry, Toni._

_I’m glad we don’t ever have to try to impress one another in order to keep this love alive._

_You mess with me, that’s fine. But don’t you fucking mess with my boyfriend. Every single goal I score with this foot will remind you never to mess with me or my girlfriend._

_You’ll make a good wife. I don’t mind being your wife if I get breakfast in bed every day. I loved playing house with you, Toni. It was the best time of my life._

_Please don’t cry. I love you so much. No matter what, I will always love you, Gabi._

My eyes shot open so hard that they hurt. Tears were falling out of them; tears that I didn’t know I was crying. I looked across at my bedside table. There was an empty space, right below the lamp. I’d always noticed that it was empty, but I thought I was imagining things when I thought that there should have been something there.

I couldn’t control my hands. I didn’t  _need_  to control my hands. I reached out to my bottom drawer and opened it. Just as I somehow knew, there was a little brown box sitting there.

I picked it up with shaking hands and put it on my lap, staring at it in disbelief. How did I know? How did I know you existed?

Inside was a whole pile of things. A whole pile of things that made my head hurt, they made my head hurt so much I almost threw the box and its contents out the window. But I closed my eyes and took deep breaths before I dug into whatever was inside.

Photographs. A whole stack of photographs.

Of me and Toni.

I flipped through all of them, every single one of them, recognising exactly when and where each picture was taken. It was all so overwhelming. It all rushed back into my head, all at once, with every photograph I picked up. I knew all these. I knew.

Below the photos were four letters. February, March, April, May.

When he left for Leverkusen.

I opened them and read them one by one, my tears falling and staining the letters and their envelopes. I remembered. I remembered exactly how I felt when I read them. I remembered the nights I spent in his room, writing back to him, and then climbing into his bed and falling asleep in his scent. And if my memories weren’t clear enough to tell me the truth, those letters were. It was right there. The truth was right there, in Toni’s handwriting.

And then, right at the bottom, was a framed photo.  _The_ framed photo. I took it out, my hands still shaking, and put it on the empty space below my lamp.

That was it. That was exactly what was missing. Toni and I, lying on the grass near the Isar, smiling at the camera like nothing else existed in the world except the both of us.

There was something else, something glittery. I took it out and put it under the light – it was a necklace.

_Happy anniversary, baby. I can’t believe a year has passed since I made you my girl._

_Breakfast. Breakfast in bed. Happy Valentine’s Day, baby._

_I added something on it. Don’t cry, okay?_

_I am the luckiest girl in the world._

_I’ll be waiting for you to come back and put it on for me again, okay?_

G for Gabriele. T for Toni. Together, forever.

Like a zombie, I walked over to my wardrobe, opened it, sat down on the floor, and dug for the jersey I knew was there. Kroos 39, Germany Under-21 vs Northern Ireland Under-21. His debut.

Except there was a whole stack there. An entire stack of Kroos jerseys.

_I brought this for you. It stinks, but I hope you like the shirt. I’ll bring you all of them, okay? All of them, from every match._

_We won, baby. Are you proud? I know you are._

I stood up with the Germany jersey in my hands. I stood in front of the mirror and put it on, avoiding looking at my dishevelled, tear-stained face. It was right. It was this shirt. My favourite shirt.

I was almost in a trance as I walked over to my work table and opened the drawer. The key. The key was right there.

_To my place. In case you miss me._

_What do you mean in case?_

“Toni,” I choked, clamping a hand over my mouth, my legs going weak, so weak until I almost collapsed right there on the floor of my room. “Toni, why?”

I couldn’t take my eyes off the key as I walked downstairs with it, still wearing the Kroos jersey. Amelie and my parents were in the living room, watching TV. They called out to me, but I couldn’t hear what they were saying.

The key. It was  _the key._

I felt them getting up and going to the front door to watch me as I went out, crossed the road, and stopped in front of Toni’s front door. I stood there, staring at the key, and then at the lock.

Slowly, hesitantly, I put the key to the lock, almost not being able to insert it because of my uncontrollably shaking hands. I closed my eyes, braced myself, and turned it.

It worked.

I pushed the door open, and then closed it behind me. I knew this place. I came here almost every day. I knew it.

The answers I got from my memories only raised more questions. Questions only one person could answer.

I climbed up the stairs and went straight to Toni’s room.

Toni’s POV

I heard someone climbing up the steps softly. I heard my room door open, so I sat up.

It was Gabi. Standing there with tears streaming down her face.

“Gabi,” I said in surprise. “How…how did you get in?”

She didn’t say a word. She held up her hand, which held a key. The key to my place.

She was wearing my jersey. The one I’d given to her when I left for Leverkusen. She continued staring at me, her expression hurt and torn, her eyes confused.

“Gabi,” I whispered again. “Gabi, I –“

“You’re my boyfriend,” she interrupted, her voice hoarse. “You’re my fucking boyfriend.”

“Gabriele…”

“WHY?” she yelled. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’m sorry,” I said, getting up and walking towards her. “I’m so sorry, Gabi.”

“Why?” she repeated. “Toni, why?”

I reached out and wiped her tears with my thumbs. “Please don’t cry, baby.”

“Baby,” she whispered, closing her eyes and pushing my arms aside. “Don’t…don’t call me baby.”

Suddenly, I felt so stupid. I felt so stupid that I thought everything would work out. Because it obviously wouldn’t. I promised to help her regain her memories, but I only succeeded at doing the most stupid thing anyone could have ever done. I hid the most important memory from her – me. I hid myself from her.

She grabbed my face with both hands and stared straight into my eyes, her beautiful blue eyes trying to read mine, trying desperately to find the answers.

“Kiss me,” she whispered. “Kiss me, Toni.”

“Gabi –“

“I need you to kiss me,” she begged. “Kiss me like nothing changed. Kiss me like we’re still in love. Kiss me like…like you mean it.”

I moved my hands to her hair, much shorter than I was used to, and combed through it with my fingers, all the while gazing in her sad blue eyes. Oh, Gabi. All I have wanted to do for the past few months was to kiss you.

“Of course I’ll mean it,” I whispered.

I used my thumbs to wipe off her fresh tears. I moved my head towards hers slowly, almost sure that she’d stop me when I was halfway there and push me aside. But she didn’t. She stayed absolutely still, her eyes closed, her head tilted upwards in anticipation. Our lips finally touched after what seemed like an eternity.

It was just like before. It was exactly like before. I felt her give a little shudder, and then her hands moved urgently down to my collar and pulled me closer.

And she kissed me back. She kissed me as if it would give her all the answers that she was seeking. Her tears continued falling down her face, landing on our lips, but she didn’t move to wipe them away. She was completely absorbed in that kiss.

Just as I was. I kissed her with all the hurt I’d been through the past months, staying by her side but not being able to tell her exactly who I was or how I felt. I kissed her with the guilt I felt whenever I went to the hospital and saw her lying there, pale and unmoving. I kissed her with everything I had, with all the love I held for her, my precious Gabriele, over the last three years. I kissed her, hoping she’d feel it, hoping she’d understand.

I moved my arms down to her waist, pulling her even closer so her body was pressing against mine. It was so familiar. I felt like I’d been transported to all those times; the times when we loved each other. The times when I knew she loved me, and she knew I loved her.

When she finally pulled away, breathless and avoiding my eyes, I wiped her tears with my thumbs, and slowly lifted her face to look at me.

“I love you,” I whispered, feeling a shudder of relief build up in me as I finally said those words out loud to her once again.

She stared at me. She did nothing but stare at me. She stared, the confusion in her eyes becoming milder and replaced by something else. Anger.

Suddenly, she shrieked loudly and pushed me backwards onto the bed, and then she barged out of the room and down the stairs, never turning back even when I called her name.


	32. Indifferent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song accompanying this chapter is All I Want by Kodaline.

Toni’s POV

“Gabi,” I called, but she continued running. I stood up and went after her. “Gabi, please listen to me.”

I left the room only to see her charging down the stairs – but she missed the last step and fell to the ground in a heap.

I ran down the stairs myself and knelt down by her side. “Are you okay?” I asked. “Does it hurt anywhere?”

“No,” her voice was thick with tears. “No, just…go away. Go away, Toni.”

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. She tried to get up and walk away, but I wrapped my arms tightly around her and refused to let go no matter how much she thrashed around.

I held her as her body shook with sobs, as she put her hands in her hair and clutched it tightly, and as she rocked back and forth, repeatedly whispering, “Why? Why didn’t you tell me?”

After a long while, she finally calmed down, raising her head slowly and looking me straight in the eyes.

“Do you still love me?” she tried to ask with a straight face, but it was written all over. All over her disappointed blue eyes, her tear-stained face, and her downturned lips, twisted in a painful grimace.

“Yes,” I whispered. “Of course I do.”

“Then why?” she sobbed. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

I didn’t reply. I didn’t know how to start, or if she was going to listen and understand. I just sat there, rocking slowly with her, desperately trying to hold in my own tears. I sat there trying to rearrange my thoughts, trying to find a way to say them out loud. I didn’t know how long we sat there, her head in my hands and her hands clenched in fists.

Gabi’s POV

He was silent. He was so silent, it was as if his mind was somewhere else. I knew mine was, mine was somewhere really far away. My mind was on three and a half years ago, when we first got together. I remembered. Suddenly, I remembered every single thing he’d done for me. It all suddenly came to me, clear as day. 

And also in those moments, I found out the reason behind the rollercoaster ride of feelings I’d been having ever since I’d started talking to this boy across the road after my long sleep. I felt the longing, the warmness, the joy, the comfort, the peacefulness, and the pure perfection that came with all the time I’d spent with him; I felt the confusion dissipating as I understood all the reasons why I felt those ways. I felt everything rushing back again, into my head, and it was all so overwhelming I almost started crying again.

But right as I felt that confusion disappearing, I felt a different kind of confusion taking its place. What was I supposed to feel? Did I feel anything at all? Was it what I was supposed to feel? I was so confused, but in a completely different way. It was as if I’d suddenly hopped into an alternate universe, one where everything was different and Toni was somebody else to me.

I didn’t know how to feel at all. I didn’t know if I was ever going to know how I was supposed to feel. Did I love Toni? That was a question I never expected to have to answer ever since I woke up almost half a year ago and found out that a Bayern player lived across the road.

Why did I forget him? How could I have ever done that? Was it because I never loved him, or was it because I loved him too much? Would that even make any sense?

I raised my hands and put them on his cheeks, making him look up at me. His eyes were desperate, torn, and full of guilt. It was everything at once.

And right then, I knew exactly why he’d kept it from me. Just like every other time I remembered, I got my answer just by looking into his eyes. His beautiful seawater eyes.

“You didn’t want me to force myself, right?” I asked, slowly tracing his cheekbones with my thumbs. “You…thought I’d be with you only because you said we were a couple…you thought that you’d be manipulating me, that you wouldn’t know if I really loved you or if I really remembered you…right?”

A look of surprise took over his face. “Yeah,” he said softly. “Yeah, how did you know?”

“Because we’re best friends…remember?”

“Yeah,” he said again. “We’re best friends.”

I let go of him and stood up, so he did the same. “Does anything hurt?” he asked as I dusted myself off.

“Yeah,” I said without looking at him. “My heart hurts.”

He cringed. “Gabi…Gabi, I’m really sorry. I screwed things up. I know I screwed things up. I understand if you don’t want to talk to me. I’m sorry.”

“You’re dumb,” I muttered. “You’re the dumbest boy I’ve ever met.”

He closed his eyes and hung his head. “I know.”

I walked over to the door and opened it. “Good night.”

“Good night,” he said, and then he changed his mind. He ran over before I could leave, grabbed my arm and spun me around. “Do you…still love me?”

“I don’t know,” I snapped. “Do I? Since you think you know  _everything_ , including what I should and should not remember, shouldn’t you know this answer as well?”

“Okay, okay sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry, Gabi.”

I took one last look at him, at his messy blonde hair, his crumpled shirt, wet with my tears, his hunched shoulders, and his overall distraught look. I felt something building up in my chest, like a dull ache, a sudden urge to go over and hug him. But I didn’t.

I turned around, walked out the door, and shut it in his face.

Toni’s POV

I’d called Gabi on the phone, but she hadn’t answered. I’d sat at my window and waved at her when she appeared at hers, but she’d just closed her curtains and went away. I’d gone over and flung little stones at her window, but she never came to unlock it and let me in. It was a vicious cycle, over and over again, for the next few days.

I was walking back down the street when Amelie suddenly fell in step beside me. “Hey,” she said. “How’s you and Gabi?”

“Nothing,” I said. “Just…nothing.”

She gave my shoulder a squeeze. “She needs time. Just give her some time.”

“I wish I could explain, you know? I wish she would let me talk to her.”

“You could,” she said, dragging me across the road and up her driveway. “I’ll let you in, and you go talk to her. You’ve got to make this right, okay? I’m rooting for you.”

I thanked her and headed up the stairs to Gabi’s room, but her door was locked. Perhaps she saw us walking up the driveway. I went and stuck my face near it.

“Gabi?” I called. “Hey, I know you’re inside. Can you let me in? I just want to talk to you. Please?”

There was no response.

“I’ll just say it from here, okay? I know you’re listening. I’m really sorry, Gabriele. I’m really, really sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth about us, I’m sorry you had to find out yourself, and I’m sorry I hurt you. At that time, when I decided to let you find out on your own, I thought it was the right decision to make. I didn’t want you to wake up and immediately be faced with the decision of whether you have feelings for me or not. And I thought…I thought that telling you you were my girlfriend would just make you even more confused. And most of all…I didn’t want you to force yourself to be with me, like you were only going to be my girlfriend because you were  _supposed_  to. Maybe you’ve forgotten the feelings you had for me, and I can’t force them back on you. I can’t bring myself to do that. Because I love you, Gabriele, and it doesn’t matter whether I can be with you or not. It doesn’t matter to me, as long as you’re happy.

“I’m sorry if you feel that you can’t trust me anymore. I know this sounds like a lame excuse, but I did what I thought was the best. Maybe it isn’t, and I’m sorry for that. You had a fresh start, one from before you met me, and maybe I shouldn’t have reappeared in your life once again. Maybe it would have been better that way. But…I can’t do it. I love you. I love you so much, Gabi. And that’s why I thought it would be better if I gave you the chance to rediscover your feelings for me, instead of somehow forcing it on you. I’ve wanted to tell you, I’ve almost caved in and told you everything, so many times, but I just couldn’t bring myself to.”

I heard her soft footsteps walking towards the door, and I waited for her to open it, but she didn’t, so I just continued.

“I love you so much, you know? I love you more than anything else in this entire world. And it was so hard…so hard to live like I did since you had that accident. To be by your side yet not being able to give you everything you needed. And not being able to tell you the truth, even though all I wanted to know was if you still loved me.”

I felt tears stinging my eyes, so I sat down on the floor, leaned on the door and buried my face in my hands. I felt the door move slightly, and I knew she was there, on the other side, doing the same thing. But I had so many things to say, and I couldn’t just stop there, even though she wasn’t responding.

“Remember when we first kissed? I don’t know if you remember it. I hope you do. It was the night I made my Bayern debut. It was the best night of my life, hands down. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe you were finally mine. And the past four years, since I first moved in across the road, have been the best four years of my life. I can’t imagine life without you around, Gabi. I prayed so hard, I went to your room every night when you were in hospital, talking to you, desperately hoping that you’d wake up and tell me that you loved me. You eventually did, you woke up, but you didn’t say the words I hoped you would. And it hurt. It hurt so bad, Gabi, but I knew I had to let you live your own life, no matter what it would be. I’m just glad I got to be your best friend again. I’m glad you believed me when I told you I was. I’ve never lied to you. I know I haven’t told you the entire truth, but I swear, I’ve never lied to you. I know I told you I didn’t like any girls, but that’s because I don’t.  _I love_   _you._ Only you.”

I couldn’t help but give a little chuckle. “And I told you we did it on the beach in Greece because I was horny. I don’t think that was a lie, either. Because I  _was_  horny, and I made you horny too. Because that’s what boyfriends do, right?”

I sighed. “Thank you, Gabi. Thank you for letting me be by your side.”

Gabi’s POV

I put a hand over my mouth, trying to silence my sobs, knowing that if I made a sound, he would hear it from the other side. Our heads were only separated by a few inches of wood.

“I’m so sorry, Gabriele,” his muffled voice came across again. “I don’t know what to do to make you forgive me. I don’t know if you ever will. I can only try. And I just want to let you know…I love you. I love you so much. I always have, and I always will. I’ll always be here waiting, even if things between us never return to the way they were. I’ll always be here for you. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I love you so much.”

His voice petered off into a whisper in the last sentences, so he stopped talking, but I knew he was still sitting there, on the floor on the other side of my door. I couldn’t control my sobs anymore. I just sat there, rocking slowly, crying my guts out, gasping for air. I didn’t care anymore.

After a while, I heard Toni’s voice again.

“I’m sorry,” his whisper floated in through the gaps around the door. “I’m so sorry you got into that accident because of me. I know I brought this upon myself. And I understand if you’re angry, or confused, or anything. Please don’t cry, Gabi. It hurts me, too. I love you. Please be strong. Be strong for yourself.”

“I’m sorry, too,” I whispered back, not even sure if he could hear me. “I’m sorry I walked out on you the other day. I’m sorry I yelled at you, and…I’m sorry it took me so long. I’m sorry.”

Evidently he’d heard me, because his voice came right back. “Don’t be sorry, Gabi,” he said, and then he paused, as if he wasn’t sure if what he was going to say was the right thing.

“I love you,” he said softly.

I didn’t know how to respond except to start crying again. I sobbed loudly into my hands, because I couldn’t say it if I didn’t know if it was true. I couldn’t bring myself to lie to him, not even a little bit, because it was exactly what he had been trying to avoid by keeping all of this from me.

So I didn’t say a word. I sat there, tears rolling down my cheeks, but I didn’t say a word, and neither did he. We just sat there, a door separating our heads, but an ocean separating our minds.


	33. You'll Never Walk Cologne

Amelie’s POV

It was one of those rare afternoons where I sat and watched the Bayern game with Gabi and my dad, because I had nothing else to do. I’d almost stopped watching, because Bayern were already two goals up by half-time.

I went into my room for half an hour when the second half started, but when I came back out, Köln were already 3-2 up.

“What the hell happened?” I asked, but neither my dad nor Gabi answered me. They were so engrossed in the last quarter of an hour of the match.

My dad sighed and left the living room right after the final whistle blew, but Gabi just sat there, staring straight ahead at the TV. Toni hadn’t played; he wasn’t even in the squad, but he’d travelled over to watch.

It took me a while to realise that there were tears running down her face. It wasn’t the first time that she’d been crying ever since she had that fight (at least, I  _think_  it was a fight) with Toni.

“What’s wrong?” I slid across the couch to her side. “Is it because they lost? It’s okay, Gabi. They’re still leading that…table thing, right?”

“We’re fifth now,” she whispered.

“Oh…sorry. Are you crying because of that? Don’t cry, Gabi. Crying can’t change anything.”

She suddenly got up and shifted her gaze down to me. There was still a dazed look in her eyes. “I’m going to Cologne,” she whispered again.

“When?”

“Now,” she said, still in a daze. “I’m going now. I have to pack.”

“Now?” I called after her as she started walking up the stairs. “Like, right now?”

“Yes,” she said without turning back. “I’m…I’m going to meet Toni there.”

“You guys are talking again?” I ran up the stairs after her and stood there as she started stuffing clothes into a carry-on. “Does he know you’re going over?”

“Yeah, we are,” she said, avoiding my curious stare. “And he does.”

“Really?”

“Yes, Amelie. Leave me alone.”

“Does dad know?”

“Just tell him. Help me tell him. I have to go.”

——

It was close to midnight, and we hadn’t heard from Gabi, so I decided to call Toni.

“Hey,” I said when he picked up. “Have you met Gabi yet?”

“Gabi?” he asked, confused, pausing for a while. “Wasn’t she…watching the game at home?”

“She was, but she already left for Cologne. You haven’t met her?

“She came to Cologne? When?”

“She left this evening,” I told him, standing up in shock. “She said you were going to meet her there.”

“What?” he almost yelled. “She hasn’t even spoken a single word to me since…since that day.”

“What the hell?” I paced up and down the corridor outside my room, not sure what to do. “She told me you guys were talking again, and that she was going to meet you!”

He went silent for a while before he spoke again. “I’ll find her. I think I know where she is. Don’t worry, I’ll find her. I promise.”

He hung up the phone before I could say another word.

Toni’s POV

Fortunately, the boss was kind enough to let me leave the team hotel in the wee hours of the night to look for Gabi, once I explained my reasons to him. I headed straight to Mülheim, to our old apartment, and I spent a good half hour walking the streets. It was already past midnight, and the neighbourhood was deserted, so it should have been easy to spot her, but she was nowhere to be seen.

I took a taxi back to the city centre, the only other place I could think of. There wasn’t a single soul in the university campus, it being a Saturday night – and there was no sign of Gabi either.

I was desperate. I’d been so sure that she would be here that I didn’t know what to do if she wasn’t. I walked around the campus, hoping to see Gabi somewhere, but I didn’t, so I just headed off in a random direction.

And then I saw her, after only five minutes of walking. I saw her hunched figure, her hair gathered in a messy short ponytail, shuffling slowly away from campus. She’d come here, just as I’d expected, to find the answers. To find the answers that I never gave her. I followed her quietly, just glad that I’d finally found her.

Suddenly, she stopped. She stopped at the first corner from the university, the one where I’d wait for her every single day as she headed home from school. The one where she’d greet me with a gorgeous smile as she approached down the sidewalk. “That place where you remind me that I don’t ever have to turn another corner alone because I’ll always have you,” she’d always told me.

She stopped there in the middle of the sidewalk for a long time, and then she slowly dragged her feet to the kerb and sat there, staring intensely at the tarmac in front of her as if it’d suddenly become a hundred times more interesting.

I took out my phone and texted Amelie. “I found her. Everything’s fine.”

Gabi’s POV

_“What do you want?” – “You.”_

_“I’m not going to give up so easily, you know? I’m going to get you one day.”_

_“You can do better,” he said. He said I could do better than Toni. Better than Toni. How could I do better than Toni? Toni was the best._

_Toni came, and he grabbed me and led me away. And then there was a hand. On my butt. And I slapped someone, hard. And Toni nearly got into a fight with him._

_But he didn’t, because he kicked that asshole in the knee and sent him crashing to the ground._

_“You watch me. Number 39.”_

_And then we walked here, to this very spot. We walked here, and then I sat down on the ground, weeping. Why was I weeping?_

_People gave us weird glances. People tutted at us, and yelled at us to move out of the way. But Toni sat down beside me. He ignored those people and he sat down beside me._

_And then he brought me home. And he tried to make me eat, but I tried to make him do something else. And then we did it again. So gently, but so wildly. It was the best one ever. It was heavenly. How could I have ever forgotten that time we did it in that apartment? It was the best one._

_I cried, again. Oh, God, I am such a crybaby. I cried again, and he talked to me. He talked to me for a long time, and he made me stop crying. He told me he loved me, over and over again, and I stopped crying. And then everything was fine, because Toni loved me._

_But why was I sitting here on this sidewalk?_

_“How much do you pay her for every fuck?”_

_“Whore. You’re a fucking whore, Gabriele.”_

I woke up from my daze with a loud gasp. Cologne. That was what happened in Cologne. I got called a whore.

Suddenly, a phone started chiming from behind me. I turned around in surprise, only to see Toni standing there, desperately reaching into his pocket for his phone.

“Oh, shit shit shit,” he mumbled when he saw me staring at him. He took his phone out, checked it, and then put it back. I just stared at him, open-mouthed.

“Are you going to yell at me?” he asked, raising his arms in the air and taking a few steps backwards and away from me. “Please don’t yell at me. I’m going to back away slowly now, okay? I’m backing away now. Sorry. Don’t yell at me.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, even though there were tears in my eyes, when I saw the frightened look on his face. So I called out to him before he could leave. “Hey,” I called, patting the ground beside me. “Sit with me.”

“Really?” his eyes widened in surprise. He walked towards me and sat down beside me hesitantly. “You’ve forgiven me?”

“No,” I said.

“Oh,” he turned his gaze to the ground. “Okay.”

“The person I wanted to unmeet,” I started, trying not to cry in front of him again. “His name is Josef, right?”

“Yeah,” he said without looking up. “Please don’t cry, Gabi. I’m sorry I –“

“Can you stop saying sorry? If you go five sentences without saying ‘I’m sorry,’ I’ll forgive you.”

“Really? That’s all it takes?”

“It’s harder than it sounds.”

“Okay,” he paused, planning his words out carefully. “I didn’t tell you about you moving here because I didn’t want you to remember whatever that happened in school with Josef.”

“But…it was the best time of our lives. The both of us.”

“I know,” he sighed. “But I just thought…you know…that I was willing to sacrifice that time if it meant that you forgot all the hurt he caused you. I’m sorry I made that decision for you.”

I didn’t answer. I just stared at him, trying to suppress the smile that was about to spread across my face, and he stared back, confused. I didn’t know why, but I suddenly felt happy. I felt really happy. I wasn’t even sad or angry, not at him and not at Josef. I was happy.

Suddenly, his eyes lit up. I could almost see the lightbulb go off above his head. “I said it again, didn’t I? I said ‘I’m sorry.’”

I burst out laughing. “Yeah, you did.”

“Oh, God,” he groaned. “I’m never going to get you to forgive me.”

“I was crying on the ground,” I continued. “Right here, right? I was sitting right there, in the middle.”

“Yeah, you were.”

“And you sat beside me.”

“And people glared at us.”

“But you sat beside me, and held me.”

“Yeah…I did.”

“And then we went back home, and you fucked me hard against the wall and made me sore everywhere.”

He paused, his face turning a ruby red. “Jesus,” he muttered.

I punched him on the shoulder. “It was the best sex we ever had.”

“I know,” he chuckled. “And then I gave you this long lecture about being a whore, and you thought I was only being romantic.”

“There you go,” I smiled. “Six sentences without ‘I’m sorry.’”

“Really?” he stared at me in bewilderment. “Aww, you counted.”

“Well, I really wanted to forgive you,” I shrugged, and then I remembered something else. “Just like how you  _‘really wanted to make love to me’_  on that Grecian beach,” I made quotation marks with my fingers, so he’d know I remembered his exact words.

“Seriously?” he covered his face with his hands. “Are you going to dig up all the times we had sex?”

“Don’t act shy, I know you aren’t shy.”

He laughed. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“Me, too,” I smiled, turning to look at him. “We had a great time here, didn’t we? I don’t understand why that isn’t more important that what Josef did.”

“I know how much it hurt you,” he answered. “I witnessed it. And I don’t want you to feel hurt again. I guess…you being happy now is more important than your relationship with me. I just want you to be happy, Gabi. I don’t want you to be hurt by whatever that asshole said. I knew it would still hurt you, even after all this time. And I didn’t want that to happen, even if it meant that you wouldn’t remember all the fun times we had in Mülheim, in Leverkusen, and here.”

“Wow,” I whispered. “You’re incredible.”

He smiled shyly, leaned his head sideways on his knees, and gazed at me. It made me so hot and bothered inside, to have someone look at me with such pure affection in his eyes. But for some reason unknown to me, I couldn’t take my eyes off him. So I leaned my head on my knees as well, and stared back.

A lock of my hair fell across my face, and he laughed, before reaching over to tuck it back behind my ear. His hand lingered on my neck for much longer than it was supposed to, just gently resting there, so softly that I almost forgot it was there.

“I need time,” I whispered after a long, long period of silence. “Can you give me some time?”

His eyes dimmed, but the look of affection never went away. “Of course, Gabi.”

I smiled. “Thank you.”

I got up and started walking back to the hotel I was staying in, so he followed suit, walking quietly with his hands stuck in his pockets.

“Good night, Toni,” I said when we reached. “Thanks for coming to find me. And talking to me.”

“Thanks for letting me,” he smiled. “Will you go back tomorrow? Will you be okay here alone?”

“Yeah, I will. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”

“Good night, Gabi,” he reached over and gave my shoulder a squeeze.

“Good night,” I said as he started to walk away, but there was something I had to say to him, so I called out, “Toni, wait.”

He turned back around. “Yeah?”

I went closer to him and wrapped my arms around him. I felt him tense up briefly, and then he relaxed and put his arms tightly around my waist.

“Thank you for everything,” I said in his ear. “I’m sorry that you had to wait so long, and that I’m making you wait even longer. I’m sorry. I just…want to let you know that I’m really grateful to have you by my side. And also…you know how much Perissa meant to you? It means a lot to me, too. I know I forgot it, but now I remember every single thing about that night, and I remember how much it meant to me. I might not know exactly how I feel right now, but I know exactly how I felt then. I swear, I loved you. I loved you with all my heart. Jesus, Toni, I saved you and I got hit by a car. I really loved you. I remember how that felt. And I’m going to try to find it again, okay? I’m sorry. I can’t promise you anything, and I don’t want to lie to you. But I know how it felt, and I really want to find that feeling again. I need you to be selfish, Toni. I need you to forget about forcing me or manipulating me or whatever. Because you aren’t. I really want to do this. I really want to get those feelings back, and I need you to help me. We’ll fight for it together, okay?”

“I’ll wait for you,” he said, his voice quivering. “I promise. No matter how long it takes.”

“Friends?” I asked.

“Best friends,” he said. “I mean, if you want.”

“Best friends,” I confirmed. “You’re my best friend in the entire world.”

He pulled away and smiled. “See you back in Munich,” he said, kissing the top of my head, and then turning and leaving.


	34. Maybe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song accompanying this chapter is Stuck In The Middle by Boys Like Girls.

Toni’s POV

_I’m never going to forget this day,_  I thought to myself as I watched Gabi walk up the stage, collect her degree, and then bound down the stairs and towards us.  _I hope you never forget this day either._

Her face was almost splitting into two with her wide grin as she charged towards us. Her parents gave her a warm bear hug, and Amelie gave her a bone-crushing hug, and then they released her so she started walking towards me.

“Congrats, Gabi,” I beamed at her.

“Thank you,” she giggled. Suddenly, she lunged over and wrapped her arms tightly around me, almost drowning me in her gigantic graduation gown. “Thank you for everything,” she whispered in my ear.

“Thank you for inviting me,” I said into her hair.

“Of course,” she pulled away and smiled. She grabbed my hand and started dragging me along. “Come on, let’s go get some food.”

“Gabi! Toni!” Amelie’s shrill voice came from behind. “Take a picture first!”

Gabi turned around, grinned at me, hooked her arm in mine, and pulled me towards her. Her eyes were filled with the purest excitement and happiness, as if that very day, the day of her graduation, was the happiest day in her life. They were the brightest, glowing aquamarine blue, so joyful and stunning that I was momentarily shocked, completely taken in by them.

My gaze was still fixed on Gabi when as she turned back to the front and towards the camera. I assumed Amelie was staring at me, because Gabi slowly turned her head back around to look at me.

“Hey,” she whispered, nudging me gently with her elbow. “The camera is there. In front.”

_I don’t want to look at the camera, Gabi. I want to look at your eyes._

“Hey,” she nudged me again.

“Yeah, I…yeah,” I snapped out of my daze. “Hold on,” I said as she turned back in front. I grabbed her chin and turned her to face me, sweeping her hair out of her face and tucking it behind her ear.

She smiled at me shyly, her cheeks turning a slight pink, and then she wrapped both her arms around my waist and leaned her head in the crook of my neck. Instinctively, my hand rested on her shoulder.

 _I’m so proud of you, Gabi,_  I thought as she grabbed my hand and dragged me towards the food.  _You’re finally here, after going through so much. I’m so proud of you. I wish you knew how proud I am. I wish you knew how proud I am of you, as proud as you were of me all those times. I wish you remembered how that felt._

——

I opened the door with Julius and Lennox’s leashes in my hands, only to feel them being tugged violently as they rushed out towards Gabi, who was standing there with her gaze directed on the ground. She smiled when the dogs reached her and stood up on their hind legs to be petted.

“Hey,” I called, surprised. “Why are you here?”

“To walk the dogs with you,” she turned her smile towards me. “I mean, we got them together in the first place, right?”

“Yeah,” I said as she grabbed Lennox’s leash. “How are you?”

I’d been busy with the football season, both domestically and on the European level, and she’d been busy filing all her work in her portfolio, digging out old pieces and sending her resume out in hopes of scoring an interview. She’d been working so hard, even before she’d even gotten a job, ironically.

We hadn’t had any of our long talks in a long while, and we only saw each other when we were both free, which wasn’t very often. I really missed her, but we both knew I had to give her time and space, so I did, no matter how much it hurt me. It’d been eight months since our reunion in Cologne, and four months since her graduation, and I was still waiting for her. I would always be.

“I’m fine,” she said, and the she paused for a few moments before she continued. “Uh…can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“It’s more of a favour, actually.”

I smiled. “If I can help you with it, I will.”

“You know…how I’ve been compiling all my work?” she started slowly. “Um…I was thinking that it might be better if…you know, the more connections a journalist has, the more reliable he or she is? Maybe I could…you know, get an interview with some Bayern players? Or maybe you? Maybe if I write a piece about you guys, with direct quotes, it would…work better for me.”

I stared at her face, which was creased with worry, and laughed.

“Why are you laughing at me?” she whined.

“I’m sorry, I just…” I laughed even more as she started pouting. “You looked so worried, I thought it was something serious.”

“This  _is_  serious, Toni!”

“I’ll help you, of course,” I nudged her on the shoulder. “Don’t be so tense.”

“Really?” her entire face lit up. “Thank you! Thank you so much.”

“No problem,” I laughed again.

Just then, Lennox started running and pulling her along. She giggled, and pulled him back for a while as she reached up, grabbed me and planted a gentle kiss on my cheek. “Thanks, bestie.”

I stood there, staring at her as she started running along with Lennox. It was the exact same feeling as the first time she’d kissed me, outside her doorstep after we’d spent the night sitting on the swings in the playground. I couldn’t control the smile spreading across my face as Julius pulled frantically on his leash, pleading with me to move along.

Maybe my feelings were all one-sided, but it was precisely what made me appreciate every little thing Gabi did that made my heart jump.

Gabi’s POV

I stood behind the barriers with the other fans as the players finished up their training. Toni made a detour towards me, tilting his head towards the entrance of the building as if to say, “Come on.”

Some fans gave me curious looks, but others just stared at me weirdly as I skipped to the entrance and hooked my arm in Toni’s. He smiled down at me before asking, “Who do you want to talk to? Basti?”

“Can I do the both of you? You and Basti?”

He stared at me, and then he started sniggering. “Yeah, you can  _do_  the both of us.”

“Hey!” I punched him in the ribs. “What are you, twelve?”

“Somewhere deep inside of me, I’ll always be twelve.”

He stuck his head into the locker room, so I followed suit, peeking in from behind him and looking around the room until I spotted Basti in the corner.

“Hey, Basti,” Toni called, and he turned around. “Can you meet us in the meeting room when you’re done?”

“Okay,” he called back, so Toni brought me further down the hall and into a conference room, where we sat and waited for Basti.

I wasn’t able to stop my hands from shaking as I turned took out my voice recorder and put it on the table, and I wasn’t able to stop Toni from seeing it either.

“Are you nervous?” he asked, a look of concern taking over his face. “Don’t be nervous, Gabi. He’s really nice. He went to the hospital to talk to you a few times. Just treat him as a friend, okay? I’ll be here.”

“Yeah, okay,” I smiled, just as the door opened and Basti’s head popped in from behind it.

“Remember Gabriele?” Toni asked him.

“Yeah, hi Gabriele,” Basti grinned at me as he plopped into a chair opposite us. “Toni’s girlfriend, right?”

“Um…” I stared at him, not sure what to say. “I –“

“She’s not my girlfriend,” Toni interrupted, and I turned to look at him instead, but he avoided my gaze. Nevertheless, I could see how much it hurt him to say those four words. But I knew why he still said it anyway – because it would’ve hurt him even more if he heard them come from me.

“Oh,” Basti said, slightly confused, but he snapped out of it quickly. “Sorry. Uh, you have some questions for me?”

So I cleared my throat and went on with the interview, asking the both of them light-hearted questions which they answered in a laid-back manner, without any pressure, as if they knew how nervous I was about this whole thing. After a while, there was even loud laughter, which led to some other players sticking their heads in to see what was going on.

“Okay, okay,” I panted after the latest round of chuckling. “Last question. Could you tell me about the people in your private lives, such as your parents, siblings, friends or girlfriends, who have played a significant role in your footballing career?”

“Well, you already know that I almost became a skier,” Basti laughed. “My parents own a ski shop. But I guess they’ve always been very supportive of me and Tobias. Tobi plays for Regensburg, so we understand each other even on the footballing level, and we’re quite close, so you could really say that he’s had the biggest impact on who I am today. And of course my girlfriend Sarah, who’s really ambitious on her own, but she’s been very supportive of me and I love her for that. Tobi and I have lots of mutual friends who we hang out with whenever we can, and they’re a great bunch of guys, really supportive of us, so I guess our private lives do play a really huge part in our career even though we usually say otherwise.”

And then I turned to Toni, who of course I already knew everything about, but wasn’t sure about which parts I was supposed to write.

“I have a brother Felix,” he started slowly. “He plays for Werder Bremen and we call each other thrice a week, or whenever we’re free, really. He’s been the best, most supportive brother I could ever have asked for and I’m just glad that I have him. He’s just consistently been there, throughout all the ups and downs. And my dad is a coach for the Rostock youth team, so I have a football family really, and that’s had a huge impact on the player I am today.”

“Anyone else?” I asked. “Like friends…neighbours?”

He raised his eyes to look at me, his seawater eyes with the deepest, most complete look of affection, as if he could talk forever about me, like he wanted to tell everybody everything about me. But it only lasted for a moment, before a look of iciness took over them, and he said, “I don’t wish to talk about the rest of my personal life.”

“Okay,” I said softly, aware that the atmosphere in the room had suddenly become electric. I turned to Basti. “Thanks for your time, Basti,” I stood up and shook his hand.

Without a word, Toni stood up and walked out of the room behind Basti, so I quickly packed all my things and went after him. He got into his car and sat there silently, and I wasn’t sure if he was angry with me, so I just stood outside awkwardly staring at him.

Suddenly, he rolled down the passenger window, turned, bent his neck slightly and looked out the window at me. “What are you waiting for? Get in.”

I got in quietly as he started the engine and started driving. Eventually, the silence got too much for me, and I asked, “Should we talk? About…us?”

“What is there to talk about?” he asked, never taking his eyes off the road. “You’ve already made it clear, and I’m waiting for you to tell me when you’ve made up your mind.”

“Just now, when –“

“Was I wrong? You aren’t my girlfriend. And I really didn’t want to talk about my personal life.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“Yeah, you’re sorry,” he said, gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles went white. “That’s all you can say right now, isn’t it? ‘I’m sorry’ is all you can say. You know, you said that you didn’t want to lie to me, that you didn’t want to say things you didn’t mean. But sometimes I wish you would, you know? I wish you would. Because maybe hearing you say those words, even if you don’t mean them, would hurt less than this. I’ve been waiting for so long, Gabi. I’ve been waiting for ages, but still there’s nothing coming from you. There’s no ‘yes’ or ‘no’ from you. Just a ‘maybe.’ And it’s…really hard. I never mention it to anyone, but it’s really hard to just…be by your side and know that things aren’t the same. It’s not that I don’t want to be your friend, or your best friend, or whatever we are right now. I just…it hurts so much sometimes. It’s not your fault, in fact it’s mine, because your accident…Jesus Christ, Gabi. It just hurts so fucking much, knowing that there’s nothing more I can do, knowing that what we are now, in this awkward place hanging in between friends and more-than-friends, is somewhere we’re going to be stuck in for a long time. We’re a ‘maybe’ now, you know? Just a maybe. Sometimes I wonder if I should have been so selfless. Maybe I should have told you who I was from the start, so we wouldn’t be in this place right now. You know? Sometimes I really regret it, and I really understand why you were so angry with me. But now things are like this, and Jesus fuck, I’ve screwed things up. I’ve fucking screwed things up, Gabi. I’m a fucking screw-up.”

He suddenly hit the brakes, stopping the car abruptly on the road shoulder. Then he got out and started kicking the road divider, just kicking it and punching it without a sound escaping his mouth, until his hands were all bruised.

I got out and ran around the car towards him, desperately grabbing his hands so he wouldn’t injure himself further. He struggled for a little while, but I wrapped my arms tightly around him, sobbing quietly, holding him until he finally stopped thrashing around.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I really want to give you an answer, but…I haven’t found it yet. Trust me, I’ve gotten impatient and confused with myself more than once. And I really want to give you something, I want to give you an answer, but I can’t. I can’t lie to you, not even a little bit. I just can’t bring myself to, after all you’ve done for me. And I’m really sorry, but a ‘maybe’ is the best I can do right now. I can’t tell you ‘yes,’ but I don’t want to end things with a ‘no,’ because I know I won’t mean that either. I understand everything you’ve done and why you did it. I really do, and I appreciate it. I don’t blame you if you give up on me. I’ve wanted to give up on myself many times before. But you know what’s kept me going? You. You’ve kept me going all this while, okay Toni? So don’t you ever think that you don’t mean anything to me. And…I know friends aren’t supposed to do these things, but I don’t know what else I can do right now to show you how hard I’m trying, so…here goes.”

Toni’s POV

She kissed me. Gabi kissed me. She grabbed my face, pulled it towards her, and kissed me hard on the lips. I felt myself shiver again as our lips met for the first time in a long time.

And I didn’t want to pull away. Just like every other time she’d ever kissed me in our lives, I never wanted to pull away. I slid my hand up her neck and into her hair, just resting it there, the both of us just standing at the corner of the road as the cars sped past, some of them honking in delight.

Her kiss was desperate, as if she wanted me to see something I hadn’t seen yet. She poured all her emotions into that kiss, hoping I’d understand; just like how I’d poured all my emotions into our last kiss, hoping she’d understand. But her kiss only told me what I already knew – that she was trying. I knew she was trying. I just wished that it wouldn’t take such a long time. I loved her, oh my Gabriele, I loved her with all my heart, and I wished she would find what she was looking for, both for her good and mine.

I never wanted to pull away, but I did. I pushed her away gently, holding her by the shoulders. “I can’t do this,” I said. “I want to, but I can’t, okay? I can’t do this. Not if you don’t mean it.”

“What if I do?” she asked, her voice trembling slightly. “What if I mean it?”

I stared at her for a few moments. She obviously didn’t mean it. Gabi always wore her emotions on her face, even when it was guilt. Gabi couldn’t lie without showing it on her face.

“You don’t mean it,” I said.

“How do you know?”

So I did the thing that hurt me the most to do. I said those three words, knowing that the answer wouldn’t be what I wanted to hear. In fact, there wouldn’t even be  _any_  answer. Because Gabi wouldn’t say it back to me, just like how she’d never said it back to me ever since she lost her memory.

“I love you,” I looked straight into her eyes as I said it. Those familiar eyes, those eyes I would always be able to read. And I meant it when I said it. Just like her, I’d never say it if I didn’t mean it.

There was no answer. Not a single word, just her emotionless eyes boring straight through me as she sucked in a huge breath of air and held it in anticipation of my possible outburst.

“I know you better than you think I do,” I said after a short period of silence. “Don’t you dare lie to me. It’s exactly what I’ve been trying to avoid, and if you lie to me, everything I’ve done will go down the fucking drain, Gabi.”

She closed her eyes and looked downwards, admitting defeat. “I’m sorry.”

“Get in the car. Let’s go home.”

So we drove the rest of the way home in complete silence, with only the sounds of the wheels and the air conditioning to try and fill the irreplaceable void left by our usual chit-chat and laughter.


	35. Hold It Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song accompanying this chapter is The Hardest Part by Coldplay.

Gabi’s POV

“Maybe we should stay away from each other for a while,” Toni had said as he pulled over on our street.

“What do you mean?” I’d asked. He hadn’t answered. “You…don’t want to be my friend anymore?”

“Maybe I don’t want to be your friend  _now_ ,” he’d said without looking at me.

“But –“ I’d started, but he’d suddenly gotten out of the car, walked over to the passenger side, and opened my door.

“Have a nice day, Gabi.”

“Toni, I –“

“I can’t do this, Gabi. I can’t do this now. I need some time alone, okay? Take care of yourself.”

I closed my eyes again as I remembered the last words he’d said to me all those days ago. No more familiar silhouette from across the road, waiting for me. No more surprise visits up the pipe. No more rocks flung at my window to get my attention. And no more Toni, not in my room, on the street, at the dinner table, or in my life. I hadn’t seen him in weeks.

Suddenly, my room door opened a crack, and Amelie peeked in. “Gabi,” she called softly, walking over and sitting next to me on the bed. “We baked some cookies. Do you want some? Come downstairs and eat with us.”

“Go away, Amelie,” I said with a lump in my throat.

“Gabi, don’t be like this,” she tugged on my sleeve. “I’m sure it’s hurting him as much as it’s hurting you.”

“Oh, really?” I demanded. “Yeah, I’m sure it does. That’s why he hasn’t talked to me in so many weeks, or called, or shown any sign that he’s still alive, except being on the bloody TV playing his bloody football. He plans his schedule so damn carefully, you know? He plans it so that he’d  _never_  run into me on the street  _ever._  Even when  _walking the dogs._  Yeah, I’m sure it hurts him as much, Amelie.”

There was a short silence as Amelie thought of what to say, as if she wasn’t sure if she was supposed to say it. And then she started, a little hesitantly, and then more determinedly as if all she wanted was for me to understand what Toni was going through.

“Do you remember when you first came back from the hospital?” she asked. “Remember how you and Toni only said hi to each other whenever you guys ran into each other on the street, and he never talked to you? And then remember that day, when you saw me playing with the dogs together with Toni and Felix, and the four of us went for a walk together, and Toni started talking to you again?”

“Yeah, and?” I asked back. Of course I’d remember that day.

“That was the day Felix and I ambushed Toni in his room, and asked him exactly why he refused to talk to you. Because we knew he loved you, and we knew he’d given everything for you when you were in the hospital. And do you know what he told us? He told us how much it hurt him that you woke up every night screaming – but that it hurt him even more that you’d look at him with those expressionless eyes whenever he talked to you. It hurt him that you didn’t recognise him. And that’s why he took so long to talk to you again. And he cried so much, Gabi. He cried so much that day, telling us how much it hurt. I’ve never, ever seen a boy cry so much in my life. He went to your bedside every single day, talking to you, reading to you, hoping that you’d wake up and tell him you loved him. And he blamed himself for the accident. He felt so, so guilty that he wasn’t able to save you, and that you got injured, and that you had to lie there for weeks, because you saved him.

“So believe me when I tell you it hurts him as well, okay? Because it does. I know how much he wanted to talk to you again, to be by your side and to take care of you, but every time he does it, he’s hurting. He’s hurting because he thinks he’s the one who made you this way, and he’s hurting because he knows that things might not ever be the same ever again. And being by your side hurts him so much more, looking into your eyes and not seeing the love that he’s so used to hurts him so much more. But he’s been by your side all this time, hasn’t he? Because he really loves you, Gabi. He really loves you and he wants you to remember everything, even though you’ve told him he needs to wait and you’ve basically friendzoned him. And you know him, Gabi, you know him just as well, or even more than I do. He’d remain by your side forever if that was what it took. Even if you never say you love him ever again.

“Perhaps I don’t have any right to say this at all, but don’t blame him for being so cold. He’s been doing all he could for you, even though it hurts so much inside. You’ve even stopped waking up screaming in the middle of the night after you guys became friends again. He’s been doing such a great job at being strong for you. Any other guy would have snapped much earlier, or forced you to have sex with him or be his girlfriend or whatever; any guy would have stopped being stupid enough to do something that hurts him so much, but Toni is different. He’s been so strong for so long. It’s been more than a year now. Maybe some time alone was what he really needed.”

I turned away from her and buried my face in my pillow, so overwhelmed by whatever she’d just said that I’d started sobbing halfway through. I’d been so used to Toni being by my side that I never questioned why he didn’t come back earlier. I only knew that I wanted him by my side, and I never cared about his feelings. I only knew that he hurt me by keeping his real identity from me, and I never realised how much more it would hurt him to do that. I’d been so selfish.

“If you really want to, you could go over and talk to him,” Amelie said softly. “I’m sure he’ll be willing to listen.”

“Will he?” I sobbed.

“Of course,” she said.

“Elisa and Bertha are back for Christmas,” I told her. “I’m going out with them later. And…do you think he’ll open the door for me?”

“You have his key,” she rolled her eyes. “And just talk to him. It won’t take long. You’re running out of time, Gabi. You haven’t even told him yet.”

Toni’s POV

Someone rang the doorbell. No one had rung my doorbell in ages.

I looked through the peephole and saw Gabi’s forlorn figure standing at my doorstep, looking down, waiting for me to open the door. I hadn’t spoken to her in weeks. I didn’t know what to say to her, after I’d been so rude to her.

So I just stood there for a few moments, staring at her through the distorted view of the peephole, until she looked up and directly at it, not knowing that I was on the other side. And then she put her hand on the doorknob, tested it, found that it was locked, and turned to walk away.

I opened the door. I couldn’t resist it anymore. I opened the door and called out, “Hey.”

She took a double take, as if she couldn’t believe her ears. Slowly, she turned around and stared at me. “Um…hey.”

“You were looking for me?”

“No, I rang your doorbell to look for Basti,” she said cheekily, and then the slight smile disappeared from her face as she realised it wasn’t appropriate to joke. “Uh…I mean, yeah. I was looking for you.”

“What’s up?”

She took a step towards me, and then she hesitated for a moment before running the rest of the way and wrapping her arms around me tightly.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry for everything. I’m sorry I lied to you, and that I made you angry, and I hurt you. I’m sorry that you had to hide from me the past few weeks. I wish you’d talk to me again. I really miss you. I miss you so much, bestie.”

Bestie. I was still her bestie. At least I was that. I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t be away from her, no matter how much it hurt me to stay by her side.

I put my arms around her and gently stroked her back. “I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry I snapped at you, and I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you in so long.”

“Amelie told me everything,” she said. “About how…it hurts you that I…yeah. I’m sorry I didn’t see that.”

I hugged her more tightly. “It’s alright.”

“Will you talk to me again?”

“Of course,” I whispered. “Of course I will.”

“I have something to tell you,” she continued speaking into my shoulder, so I nodded against her hair, but she didn’t continue. She went silent for a long, long while, before she finally pulled out of the hug. “Uh…I’ll tell you later. I…have to go. See you later.”

She smiled, but there was a worried look on her face. As if she didn’t know how to tell me whatever she wanted to tell me. I shrugged it off, thinking that she’d probably been nervous about coming over. “Bye,” I said, waving to her as she walked down the sidewalk.

I’d been avoiding her for the longest time after the little fight that we had, staying inside as often as I could and only walking the dogs when she was out or during the night. I left for training early, taking long drives around the city to make up the time.

Suddenly, I felt stupid. I’d wasted all these weeks alone when I could’ve been by Gabi’s side. And now, things were so awkward between us. I could only hope that everything would go back to normal over the next few days – except I didn’t know what was normal anymore.

——

The sky had just turned dark when there was furious knocking on my door. I got up and opened it, only to have somebody suddenly jump onto me and wrap her arms and legs tightly around me.

It was Gabi.

Her breath smelled of alcohol. Her clothes smelled of alcohol. Her hair smelled of alcohol.

I was frozen to the spot, my hands supporting her thighs, not entirely sure what I was supposed to do with her.

“Gabi, have you been –“ I started to ask the obvious question, but she suddenly smashed her lips onto mine and started kissing me violently.

“Shhh,” she whispered. “Shut up and kiss me.”

I jerked my head away from her. “You’re drunk.”

“I am not,” she started giggling. “I am the most sober I have ever been.”

I carried her over to the couch and tried to put her down, but she refused to let go of me. Instead, she grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me down on top of her.

“Stop it,” I muttered. If this went on, I wasn’t sure how I was going to control myself.

“It’s so hot in here,” she whined, grabbing my hands and leading them towards the zipper at the back of her dress. “Help me out.”

“We can’t do this,” I said, sitting up. She sat up too, but only to grab me by the collar, give me another hard kiss on the lips, and rip my shirt off over my head.

“Hell yes we can,” she mumbled. She pushed me down on my back and climbed on top of me. Then she started kissing me downwards from my neck, lingering at the waistband of my pants before attempting to take them off.

I gritted my teeth and tried to un-excite myself, but Gabi was all over me. When I grabbed her hands to stop her, she swung them around, slid her fingers in between mine, and started kissing the back of my hands gently before leading them to her zipper, again.

I thought of all the times I’d wished to have the old Gabi back. On that day, there she was. The old Gabi was sitting on me.

And suddenly, it was as if I didn’t care anymore. Like I’d lost all the principles I’d clung onto so tightly to before. I unzipped her dress eagerly, slid it off her shoulders and flung it across the room after she was done wriggling out of it.

She lowered her face again, smiling lovingly at me. I knew it was only because she was drunk, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care at all, especially when she slid her hands under the waistband of my pants.

I couldn’t stop a moan from escaping my mouth as her gentle fingers reached the parts that mattered the most. She saw her chance when my mouth opened slightly, so she extended her tongue, allowing it to mingle with mine.

I moved my hands down to her breasts, caressing them over her bra, playing with them briefly before proceeding to her thighs, and then in between her legs. She gasped at the touch, lowering her head to the crook of my neck and gently kissing it, making me shiver even more.

“Oh, my God, yes,” she whispered as my hands continued moving. “Yes, fuck yes, make love to me, baby.”

As if her voice triggered an alarm in me, I suddenly snapped awake. I suddenly realised that Gabi was drunk, and I was about to take advantage of her.

“No,” I muttered. “No, no, no, Gabi, get off. Gabi, we can’t do this.”

“Shhhh,” she said again, raising her head to land soft kisses all over my face.

I wrapped my arms around her and got up, carrying her in the direction of the bathroom, trying to ignore the fact that I had the love of my life in my arms, almost completely naked, her crotch pressed hard against mine, only separated by her underwear and my shorts.

“Where are we going?” she murmured, her lips still tracing lines down the side of my face. “Are you up to something funky again?”

I tried to put her down in the bathtub, but she wound her arms and legs more tightly around me. So I had no other choice but to step into the bath with her, turn the shower to the lowest possible temperature, and brace myself as I turned it on.

“OH, MY GOD!” she yelled as freezing-cold water rained down on the both of us. She let go of me and fell down on her butt in the bathtub, looking up at me, a look of utter confusion on her face. “What the hell is happening?”

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” I turned off the shower, reached out for a towel and handed it to her. “You tried to rape me.”

She started laughing. “I tried to rape you?”

“It’s not funny, Gabi,” I went and sat next to her in the tub. “What happened?”

“What happened?” she repeated, running her hands through her wet hair, still confused. “I went drinking…with Bertha and Elisa. They’re back for the holidays.”

“And then you came over and tried to rape me.”

She looked down. “I’m sorry.”

“Why did you get so drunk?”

“I…” she hung her head even further. “I don’t know.”

“Hey,” I grabbed her face and lifted it so she’d look at me. “Is anything wrong?”

She smiled. “No, nothing’s wrong.”

“Really? You know you can talk to me, right? I mean, I know that we haven’t been talking for a long time, and that it’s probably weird to sit here wet and half-naked to talk, but if there’s something –“

“I’m moving to London,” she blurted out.

I stared at her for a long time. “London?” I finally asked.

“Yeah,” she looked down, avoiding my eyes. “Yeah, London.”

“For how long?”

She shrugged. “A year? Or more? I don’t know. I got a job and they’re sending me to London.”

“When are you leaving?”

“Monday,” she whispered.

“Monday?!” I almost yelled. I was almost in complete shock. “Today is Saturday. Monday is in two days. Two fucking days, Gabi. When did you know you had to go?”

“Two weeks ago.”

“And you said yes?” I questioned. “You said yes, just like that?”

“Toni, I –“

“Just answer me,” I interrupted.

She took a deep breath, her gaze still directed downwards. “Yeah,” she whispered. “Yeah, I said yes the next day.”

“Jesus Christ,” I leaned my head back against the wall. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You weren’t talking to me!” she covered her face with her hands. “You didn’t want to talk to me. I didn’t know…I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“So you thought our little fight was more important than telling me this?” I demanded. “Seriously, Gabi?”

“No,” she mumbled into her hands. “No, I didn’t…I just…I don’t know. Please don’t yell at me. Please…I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Toni.”

“I can’t believe this,” I muttered.

“I’m so sorry,” she said again, reaching out to grab one of my hands. “Please don’t be mad.”

“Who am I, Gabi?” I didn’t turn to look at her. “Who am I to you?”

“You’re my best friend,” she whispered.

“Really? Because it doesn’t seem that way, Gabi. It doesn’t seem that way at all. You’re _leaving,_  for fuck’s sake. You’re leaving me, and my life is going to change  _again,_  and I…wow. I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.”

“Maybe you don’t,” she said softly. “Maybe that knock on the head changed me. Maybe I’m a completely different person from who I was before. Maybe I’ll find myself in London.”

I shook my head slowly, still avoiding her gaze. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I couldn’t believe how selfish she was being. I wasn’t upset at her for leaving; I was upset at her for not telling me.

But then I remembered all my attempts to avoid her, and I realised it was also my fault. It took two hands to clap. And I really couldn’t force her to do anything that she didn’t want to do.

“How did we become like this?” I asked. “How did things turn out like this?”

We sat there for a while, thinking about it. Or at least, I was thinking about it. For a long time, there was complete silence except for the sound of the dripping shower. Eventually, Gabi shook her head and looked downwards as tears started falling from her eyes. “I don’t know. I’m really sorry.”

Seeing her cry was my weakness. Her tears were my ultimate weakness. I couldn’t even be slightly angry with her when she was crying. I reached over and pulled her close to me, pressing her still-wet body against mine. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

“It’s okay,” her voice quivered. “Maybe I deserve to be yelled at.”

“I’ll miss you.”

“Me, too,” she said as her tears fell on my shoulder. “Are you mad at me?”

“No,” I sighed. I wasn’t even sure how to feel about this entire situation any more. “No, I’m not mad at you.”

“Will you come to see me off?”

“On Monday?” I asked. “I’m flying to Bochum. For the cup match.”

“So you can’t come?” she whispered.

“I’m sorry, Gabi.”

Would it make a difference if I went? I really wanted to send her off, to see her for one last time. But I couldn’t. And with the way things were between us, maybe this clean break was what we needed.

“It’s okay,” her arms moved to hug me more tightly. “I understand.”

“Are you sober now?”

She laughed softly. “Yeah, I guess I’m pretty sober now.”

“Have you eaten?”

She shook her head. “I only drank.”

I got up and pulled her out of the tub. “Go get changed, okay? I’ll take you out for dinner. As a farewell.”

She smiled. “Thank you so much. For every single thing.”

So we headed off for the last meal we’d have together before we went our separate ways on Monday – with the feeling that it would be the last meal the both of us would ever have together.


	36. Don't Let Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song accompanying this chapter is One by Ed Sheeran.

Gabi’s POV

I stood outside waiting for Toni as he prepared for his drive to the Säbener Straße to meet up with the team for the flight to Bochum. I watched as he put his things into the car, and then went back and fetched Julius and Lennox before coming and standing beside me with a smile.

“Enjoy yourself in London,” he said as I bent down to kiss the beagles on their heads.

“Thank you,” I smiled back at him. “I’ll call you…okay? I mean, if that’s fine.”

“Yeah, of course.”

“All the best for the cup match,” I said, standing up. “Score another one, like the one you did on Friday.”

He laughed. “I’ll try,” he said. And then there was a short period of silence before he suddenly turned and wrapped his arms tightly around me. “I’ll miss you so much, Gabi.”

“Awww,” I gave him a tight hug as well. “I’ll miss you too.”

“I’m sorry I’ve been so rude.”

“It’s okay,” I cleared my throat as a lump suddenly appeared in it. “Thank you for always being here.”

“Are you going to cry again?” he asked. Without any warning, he tightened his grip on me and lifted me off the ground, swinging me from side to side. “Don’t cry, crybaby.”

“Hey, stop it!” I giggled, but he didn’t put me down. “Okay, okay, I won’t cry.”

He finally let go of me and put me down on the ground. He put his hands on my shoulders and smiled at me wistfully, a slight hint of sadness in his eyes.

“You have to take care of yourself, okay?” he asked, running his hand down the side of my hair. “I won’t be there to wipe your tears, or climb in your window, or tell you to be strong. You’ve got to do it yourself. I believe in you, Gabi. I won’t be there physically, but I’ll always be just a phone call away if you need me, okay?”

“Thank you so much,” I whispered, tears brimming in my eyes. “You know, I can’t not cry if you’re trying to make me cry, Toni.”

He laughed. “Okay, okay…also, don’t try to rape people again,” he teased.

“Toni!” I started laughing loudly, and he joined in. I reached into my pocket and took out a photograph, the one of the both of us at my graduation ceremony. “This is for you.”

“Awwww,” he stared at it, seemingly mesmerised for a few moments. “Thank you, Gabi.”

“Yeah, it’s okay,” I said softly, not wanting this last conversation to end. I knelt down again and grabbed Julius and Lennox. “Bye, babies. I’ll miss you guys. Be good, okay?”

“Hold on,” Toni said suddenly, running back into his house and reappearing in front of me a few minutes later with a red jersey in his hands. “Here, I’ll give you this. It’s from Friday.”

“Really?” I asked, and he nodded. “Thank you.”

They’d played Köln on Friday, and Toni had scored the last goal in the 3-0 win. He didn’t say it, but I knew we were both thinking the same thing – about Cologne, about the fun we both had together, and about the pleasant coincidence that he’d scored against that city’s club.

I smiled and handed the dogs’ leashes back to him. He put them back inside, and then he came back out and stood beside me again, staring dreamily at me.

“You have to go now, right?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he reached over and gave me another hug. “Goodbye, Gabriele.”

“Goodbye, Toni,” I whispered.

We held on to each other for a long, long time without saying a word. Eventually, he pulled away, giving me one last, longing look, as if he wanted to memorize my face, my hair, every single detail of me before I left. And then he leaned over and gave me a kiss on my head, turned around, got into his car, gave me one last wave and one last smile, and drove away.

Toni’s POV

I was still a few minutes early when I reached the Säbener Straße, so I sat in the car for a while, thinking about Gabi. I took out the photograph from my bag, the one of us at her graduation ceremony.

I remembered the feeling of her arms slowly sliding around my waist, and as she leaned her head into the crook of my neck, where it fit as perfectly as it had before. I remembered the feeling of her smooth ash brown hair under my hand as I smoothened it before resting my hand on her shoulder. I remembered how she smiled at me, so happy and so excited, like it was the best day of her life. And all of those feelings were captured, to be held with me forever, in that photograph.

I turned to the back, where Gabi had written a note in her neat handwriting.

 _Dear Toni,_  
Thank you for everything you’ve done for me over the years I’ve known you. I’ll never forget all the fun we had together (or at least, I won’t forget it again). It’s been a great pleasure knowing you and I really hope our friendship doesn’t end here. Keep in touch, bestie. You’ll always be my best friend in this entire world.  
With love,  
Gabriele

_PS: I hope you’ll still wait for me._

“Of course I’ll wait for you,” I whispered, even though there was no one around or in the car to hear me. “I’d wait forever for you, Gabi. What do you think I’ve been doing this entire year?”

I was just going to be a little (okay, very) selfish and hope that she wouldn’t find someone new in London, that she wouldn’t change her mind and go after another man, forgetting the one who’d always be waiting for her back here at home. I hoped that, after all the close shaves I had with losing Gabi, I wouldn’t lose her for good.

Gabi’s POV

“You wish he was here, don’t you?” Amelie asked me as we got off the family car at the airport.

“Who?”

She rolled her eyes. “You know who I’m talking about.”

“He has a match to go to.”

“You still wish he was here.”

“Is this right?” I asked her. “Leaving?”

“It’s your choice, Gabi,” she shrugged. “Why didn’t you just tell him what you really feel?”

“I did,” I said quietly. “We’re friends.”

She sighed knowingly and went silent as I checked in my bags. I thought of a few days ago, when I’d told Toni that maybe I’d changed and maybe I’d find myself in London.

I hoped I’d find myself in London. But more than that, I hoped Toni would still be here when I eventually came back. Because right then, it wasn’t that I  _didn’t_  love him. I just _d_ _idn’t know_  if I loved him.

——

I checked the block and apartment numbers against the one I’d taken down on my phone. They matched, so I unlocked the door to the place where I’d be spending the days of my near future. It was a small place, but it was cosy, and there were two rooms. Maybe I’d find someone to move in and share the rent.

I put all my things down, too lazy to unpack. And then I went and sprawled out on the couch, taking out my work phone and inserting the SIM card they gave me when I arrived. There were no contacts inside. Automatically, I keyed in Toni’s number – not even knowing how I’d remembered it in the first place.

My finger hovered over his number for a few moments, not sure if I should call him. It was 8 pm in Germany. What if he was still eating dinner? Or having a briefing with his teammates? Or preparing for bed? What if I was disturbing him?

I sighed and covered my face with both my hands. Why did I want to call him so bad?

Right at that moment, my old phone, the one with the German number, started buzzing.

“How are you? Everything fine?” the text read.

It wasn’t my parents. It wasn’t Amelie, either.

It was Toni.

I bit on my lip hard to suppress my smile, only to realise that there wasn’t anyone around to judge me, so I just grinned as widely as my cheeks would allow me. Without any more hesitation, I picked up my work phone and called him.

“Hey,” I said when he picked up. “It’s me. Save my number, okay? It’s my work phone. I’ll text you when I get my own number.”

“Of course,” he said. “How are you?”

“Lonely,” I sat up and looked around at the empty apartment. “I miss you,” I said before I could stop myself.

He paused for a long while. Then he laughed softly and said, “Yeah, I miss you too…although it’s only been, uh, ten hours.”

“How’s Bochum?”

“Fine, I guess,” he said. “I mean, it’s…still Germany, right? Everything is very  _German._ ”

“Yeah,” I laughed.

“How’s London?”

“Very  _English,_ ” I teased.

“Can you feel me rolling my eyes at you right now? Because I’m rolling my eyes at you. Right now.”

I burst out laughing at the image in my head. “Yes,” I told him. “I can feel it.”

“Do you have to hang up?” he asked. “I mean, they’re paying this bill for you, right? Will you get into trouble?”

“That’s the point,” I said. “ _They’re_  paying.”

“Gabi, I’m being serious!”

“Okay, okay,” I rolled my eyes, although he couldn’t see me. “I’ll get my own SIM card tomorrow. And then I’ll call you after the match, okay? You better have a goal to talk to me about.”

“I’ll try,” he promised. “Night, Gabi. Stay safe. I love –“ he paused. “Uh, I mean…I’d love to hear from you tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” I said softly. “Night, Toni. All the best for the match.”

I hung up the phone and tucked in to dinner which I’d bought on the way home. With no other sound except that of the curtains rustling, the game show on TV, and the rustling of my takeaway boxes, I suddenly felt terribly lonely. There wasn’t any Amelie to barge into my room with the latest gossip, or my parents to hang out with in the living room.

I went to the window overlooking the little street downstairs. The lights on the opposite block of apartments were on, with people flitting about on their nightly business. I stood there as the sky slowly dimmed from purple to black. There was no Toni to wave at me from the other side.

I sighed, and took out my phone again.

Toni’s POV

I’d just settled into bed when my phone buzzed with a text.

“Love you too, bestie.”


	37. Reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The songs accompanying this chapter are Hey There Delilah by Plain White T's and Stay Beautiful by Taylor Swift.

Gabi’s POV

The first two months of work went great, but I didn’t find anyone of roommate material. My days were just spent at work, sometimes going jogging or kicking a ball by myself at the park, and dragging some colleagues down for dinner so I wouldn’t have to eat alone.

When I  _did_  have to eat alone, I’d manage to get someone to eat with me over Skype. Sometimes it was Amelie. Other times it was Bertha or Elisa. But most of the time, it was Toni.

I worked in the German department of the company, which meant I wrote German articles about the EPL for the German version of our online newspaper. Most of the people there could speak German, but they were more comfortable speaking English, so I had to speak it to them. It was England, anyway. I was preparing for another drab Monday at work when someone plopped down on the empty desk beside mine.

“Hi,” a chirpy voice said, presumably to me. “I’m Louise. Today’s my first day.”

I turned my head slowly to face her. “Uh…hi. I’m Gabriele. Gabi.”

“Gabriele Meiser, right?” she smiled. “I’ve read your stuff. You’re a great writer. Reliable and to the point.”

“Really?” I looked at her in shock. I’d only been here for a short time. “Thank you so much.”

“You’re German, right?” she asked, and I nodded, so she started speaking in German as well. “I’m half-German. From my mum.”

“That’s nice,” I grinned. “So you’ve been living in London?”

“No, I’m from Liverpool, and I’ve been working there,” she explained. “Then they gave me head editor, and I had to come down here.”

I stared at her. “So…you’re head editor now?”

“Yes,” she laughed. “Don’t worry, I don’t bite. You wanna have lunch together? Maybe we can talk more.”

So we sat in silence doing our work until lunchtime, when we headed out together to grab a bite. First, Louise told me all about herself – about her career since she graduated two years ago, about her parents and her brother, and about her favourite club Liverpool.

And then it was my turn to tell her all about myself. I told her about Amelie, about graduation just a little over half a year ago, and about my accident, which just made me extra grateful to be where I was, there in London with a job.

Even though she was my senior both in work and in age, I clicked really well with Louise. She was just so understanding and so kind. Before I could even figure out what I was doing, I asked her, “Where are you staying?”

“Ummm,” she smiled sheepishly. “In a hotel? I don’t have a place yet.”

“You wanna stay with me?” I blurted out, and she stared at me in confusion. “I mean, I rent an apartment with two rooms, and I could use some help with the rent, and I’m just really lonely, so do you wanna stay with me?”

She just continued staring at me. “Stay…with you?”

I suddenly realised that it was rather inappropriate to ask my work supervisor to stay with me. “Oh…I mean, I’m sorry if that seemed a little rude, but I was just wondering…yeah.”

She stopped walking and punched me in the shoulder. “Of course I’d like to stay with you!” she laughed as I rubbed my shoulder. “It’s hard to rent a place here.”

I sighed in relief as she continued laughing at me. “Is it okay, though?” I asked. “Like, I’m working under you, but you’re living with me.”

“Nah, it’s alright,” she smiled and hooked her arm in mine as we walked up the street back to the office. “In work, we’ll just be colleagues, okay? But in real life, we’re friends. We’ll just have that boundary. I guess everything will be fine.”

——

I was sprawled out on my bed with my laptop in front of me and Toni’s pixelated face on the screen, talking to me about his week through Skype. Suddenly, Louise barged into the room.

“Yo, Meiser,” she started, oblivious to the annoyed glare I was giving her for interrupting our conversation. “You just got drafted into the Champions League team.”

“What?” I asked, confused. “I thought you said  _no special treatment_.”

She raised her hands as a sign of innocence. “I didn’t do anything. They like you a lot.”

“Who wouldn’t?” Toni’s voice came from my laptop, reciting our inside joke without missing a beat.

Louise jumped slightly and moved to peek at my screen. Her brow furrowed in confusion. “Did he just talk?”

“Yes,” Toni’s voice came through again. He raised a hand and waved. “Hi.”

“Hi,” she waved back hesitantly, and then she moved her face closer to the screen. “Oh, my God, you’re that guy.”

“That guy?” Toni stared back questioningly. “Yeah, I’m…that guy, I guess.”

“Toni,” I told her. “He’s Toni. Toni Kroos. Number –“

“Thirty-nine,” she rolled her eyes at one of the jerseys draped over my chair. “I know.”

“This is Louise,” I told him. “My colleague.”

“And housemate,” Louise added. Suddenly, her eyes widened. “Oh, my God, Gabi. Are you a WAG? I mean, like, you  _know him_? I thought you just bought his jersey. Like ten of his jerseys. Are you a WAG? Jesus, you’re a WAG! I’ve known you for, like, a month! You never told me!”

“I’m not a WAG,” I told her as Toni started laughing at her squeaky overreaction. “I’m a…FAN,” I smirked at her, and then at Toni. A knowing smile slowly crept across his face.

“I know you’re a fan, Gabi. I just thought –“

“Friend and neighbour,” Toni and I said at the same time, and then we looked at each other and laughed. Even though we were miles apart, he still knew exactly what was on my mind.

“Oh,” Louise rolled her eyes again. “That’s really lame.”

Toni and I laughed again and moved our hands towards the laptop for a virtual high-five. At the same time. It was as if we were both wired the same way.

Louise rolled her eyes at us again, thrust a stack of papers at me, and went back outside. My new assignments. I sat and read through them as Toni peered across curiously.

“Which match?” he asked hopefully. “Bayern?”

“Chelsea,” I groaned. “They probably gave me the London club since I’m new. Well, quite new.”

“Then I hope they get to the final,” he joked. The final in Munich.

“I might not be there,” I said quietly. “I mean, I don’t think they’ll let me write about the final anyway.”

Even through the laptop screen, I could feel Toni’s stare boring through me. He didn’t say a word; he just stared.

“What?” I finally asked.

“Nothing,” he shook his head and forced a smile. “I just…miss my best friend.”

“Aww,” I put the papers aside and leaned back on the bed with the laptop on my knees. “I’m here. I’m listening. What’s up?”

“Nothing,” he repeated, shaking his head again, this time a little more hastily.

“Toni,” I urged. He still said nothing.

Toni’s POV

“Is it about the final?” she asked.

Deep inside to myself, I smiled. She still knew. We still knew each other as well as we did before.

“Yeah,” I said softly. “I really wanna get there.”

“I really  _want you_  to get there,” she laughed gently, as if she was afraid she’d make me feel worse. “Don’t worry, Toni. You will.”

I couldn’t help my smile from bursting out on to my face. “Thanks, Gabi. I hope you get the final, no matter who’s in it.”

“Thanks, bestie,” she beamed at me, emphasizing the dark circles bulging out from below her eyes, larger than they were when she first left; causing her cheekbones to be exposed – that had never happened before, because Gabi had beautiful cheeks with just the right amount of chubby.

——

I was exhausted, both physically and mentally. Physically, just as how I always had been after matches; but I was totally mentally drained after the events of the night – going behind, almost getting knocked out, and then scrambling back to get to our home final on penalties. It was like a dream come true, albeit one that took every ounce of my energy. Nevertheless, I fished my phone out of my pocket.

“Oh, my God,” Gabi whispered when she picked up. “That was…that was amazing.”

“Gabi,” I mumbled. “I’m so tired.”

“I know,” she gasped. “Oh, I know, Toni. Thank you. Thank you so much.”

“Gabi,” I mumbled again, rolling over and miraculously mustering enough energy to drag my head onto the pillow in the Madrid hotel. “Thank you.”

“No, shhh,” her voice trailed off into another whisper. “Toni, I’m so proud. I really am, okay? I really am very proud. Not just proud of Bayern, but proud of you. You made it. You made it, Toni.”

“Yeah,” I whispered weakly. “I did.”

“I’m going to hang up now, okay? Sleep well, champion.”

“No,” I managed to mutter. “No, stay.”

“Okay,” she whispered again, as if she was afraid to disturb me. I plugged in my earphones into the phone, and then into my ears. I sprawled out on the bed, closing my eyes, too tired to move a single muscle, and slowly, gradually fell asleep.

There was nothing on the other end, just Gabi’s soft breathing and her happy sobbing, but I wanted her there. Even as I drifted off to the happiest, most worry-free sleep I’d had in a long time, I couldn’t help but think of Gabi and how I wished she was by my side; and I couldn’t help but pray an exhausted prayer, pray so hard that she would be appointed the Champions League final in Munich.

Because I was going to be there, and I wanted her to be, too.

Gabi’s POV

There was an urgent nudge on the back of my chair as I was completing an editorial about Chelsea and their dream cruise to the Champions League final, convinced that it would be my last piece about that team and that competition, and that the rest of the build-up to the final would be left in the hands of the more experienced writers.

“Shhh, okay hold on hold on,” I muttered as I proofread the last paragraph. Someone was nudging me, hard and repetitive. “What is going on?!” I spun around angrily.

It was Louise. I rolled my eyes at her, and she pretended to be horrified at me. “Don’t roll your eyes at me in the office, Ms. Gabriele Meiser.”

“Yes boss, what can I do for you?” I said playfully, with forced politeness.

Louise ignored my attempted sarcasm. “Do you have any plans for like, the next month? And the next one after that?”

I stared at her in astonishment. “Work,” I said matter-of-factly. “Why?”

A cheeky grin split her face as she slapped an A4-sized manila envelope on my table and a journalist pass turned face-down. “Well, Ms. Meiser, I’m glad to tell you that Christmas came early for you.”

“What?” I asked. She was acting totally strange, just standing there and grinning at me goofily. She started nodding at me furiously, urging me to turn over the pass or open the envelope, or both.

I opened the envelope and slid out a few pieces of paper.

“Team appointed for event: UEFA Champions League Final (Munich) 2012,” was written in big, bold letters across the top, followed by a list of names. I scanned it, not entirely sure what Louise was trying to tell me – until I suddenly saw a familiar name, right there almost in the exact centre of the piece of paper.

_MEISER, GABRIELE._

“That’s me,” I whispered, turning the piece of paper towards Louise and pointing at my name. “That’s me, isn’t it?”

“Unless you changed your name between yesterday night and today,” was her response.

“Oh, my God,” I whispered again, not being able to believe my eyes. “That’s me!”

“Yes, that’s you,” it was Louise’s turn to roll her eyes at me, but she was also laughing. “Congratulations!”

“Thank you,” I clutched the envelope and the rest of its contents, which were just lists of instructions and rules, to my chest. “But I…I thought…I was just a temporary member of the Champions League team.”

“You were,” she explained. “But you were really impressive, Meiser. I honestly didn’t pull any strings for you. You made it in yourself. You asked me not to put in any good words for you, and so I didn’t. No special treatment, right? But the higher-ups said that you’re really good given that you graduated less than a year ago. Plus you’re from Munich, so that’s just your own advantage,” she laughed. “You made it here yourself, Gabi. You should be proud.”

“Was it only because I wrote about Chelsea?” I was still suspicious. I didn’t believe they’d say such things about me.

She shook her head. “Nope, they specifically told me to let you write about Bayern this time.”

“Oh,” I gasped.

“Do you have any plans for the summer?”

“No, why?” I asked. I suddenly remembered that she’d asked about my plans for the next  _two_ months. “This is only for the final and then a little bit after that, right?”

“Yeah,” she started grinning again. “Well, technically I’m not supposed to tell you this, but I trust you, so here goes…you’re on the provisional list for the Euro 2012 team, too.”

“WHAT?” I yelped, and then immediately clapped my hand over my mouth when my colleagues in the nearby cubicles stretched their necks to stare at me.

She slapped me on the back. “Don’t worry about that. Just do this, end it in a flourish, and then we can talk about Poland-Ukraine later.”

I gaped at her, not knowing what to say. I felt like I’d just been promoted, although technically I was still only a junior writer. This was a gigantic opportunity for me, and I would be a hundred percent sure to grab it with both my hands and feet and never let go.

I grabbed the journalist pass and hung it over my neck. The front was emblazoned with the Champions League logo, the official design of the Munich final, as well as my name and my photo. “How do I look?” I struck a pose for Louise. “Good?”

She stared at me with her mouth open. “Does it matter?” she rolled her eyes again. “Who do you want to look good for? Your number 39?”

I laughed. “Please, I always look good to him,” I did a hair flip. I was in such a good mood, I was shooting my mouth off.

“Really?” she sat down on her chair and rolled it over closer to me. Oh, Louise the model journalist, always eager for gossip. “He likes you?”

“Who doesn’t?” I shrugged.

“Stop that!” she smacked me on the shoulder. “Come on, spill the beans. Does he like you? Are you guys dating?”

“No! We’re just good friends.” I was beginning to regret spilling my words.

“Yeeeeeeeeah.”

“What?”

“Tell me everything about you guys!”

“I have to work,” I pushed her back to her side. “I’ll tell you tonight. If I’m in the mood to.”

——

“Toni, you’ll never guess what happened today,” I yelled excitedly over the phone as I stood looking out of my room window.

“What?” he asked, humouring me.

“I’m going to Munich,” I said, as if it was some faraway place I rarely went to.

“What? Why?” he asked, going silent as he tried to figure out what I meant. After a few moments, he gasped loudly, too loudly that he started choking on air. “Oh, my God! The final?”

“Yes!” I laughed as he continued coughing. “I’ll probably be there for all the build-up, so maybe I’ll see you in two weeks!”

“Two weeks!” he exclaimed. “Oh, my God, that’s like tomorrow in our calendar.”

“I know, right? I can’t wait,” I giggled.

“I didn’t know you missed me  _that_  much,” he teased.

“Yeah,” I said softly. “I miss you, bestie.”

He went silent, and for a while there was just the sound of our breathing and him clearing his throat.

“I never thought I’d miss you this much,” I whispered. And I meant it. I wasn’t expecting myself to mean it so much, so when the feeling hit me, I was almost overwhelmed.

There wasn’t any answer. He was so silent that I could’ve mistaken him for leaving the phone alone and walking away. Suddenly, I wondered if I should’ve said what I did.

After a long while, he suddenly cleared his throat again. “I miss you, too,” he said, with just the slightest tremble in his voice.

“The people opposite are boring,” I whined, trying to turn the mood back to how it was previously. “I miss having you as my neighbour.”

He laughed. “Yeah, Amelie has been bugging me about –“ he paused. “Uh…Julius and Lennox miss you too.”

“Amelie has been bugging you about what?” I asked him, turning around and walking to my bed – only to see Louise sitting there with one of my Toni jerseys worn over her shirt, back to front, so that she was flashing the huge number 39 at me. “OH, MY GOD!” I screamed in shock because she wasn’t there the last time I looked.

“What?” Toni asked worriedly. “What happened? Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I glared at Louise, who pointed at the front of her shirt, and then to my phone, raising one eyebrow questioningly. I rolled my eyes and nodded at her. “There is a  _huge bug in my room_ ,” I told Toni, looking pointedly at Louise so she’d grasp my hint.

Toni started laughing. “You never clean your room, do you? You never change, Gabi.”

I rolled my eyes at him, although he couldn’t see me. “I gotta go,” I said. “Talk to you soon. And see you in two weeks!”

“I heard  _everything_ ,” Louise smirked as I hung up the phone.

“How long have you been sitting there? How rude.”

“Since before that long period of silence,” she shrugged. “Was he actually talking on the other end? Or is that like, a thing you guys do? Because it was really awkward.”

“Why do you care?” I plopped down beside her.

“You said you’d tell me everything after work.”

I groaned. Louise would never let anything go as long as she could help it. “What do you want to know?”

“Everything!” she exclaimed, clapping her hands excitedly. “Everything from the start.”

When Louise embarked on a mission like that, there was no way to convince her to give up. She was relentless. So I leaned back on my headboard, hugged a pillow to my chest, and told Louise the entire story of Toni and Gabi. Well, the parts that I could remember, that was.

“So he’s still waiting for you?” Louise asked after I was done.

I shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.”

She pretended to wipe a tear from the corner of her eye. “That’s so sweet.”

I rolled my eyes at her. “He’s just a friend, though.”

“Yeah,” she rolled her eyes back at me. “You should’ve seen your own face while you were talking to him just now.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Sure you do,” she cocked her head to the side. “How do you really feel about him?”

I sighed. “I don’t know, okay? I really don’t know. And I guess maybe that’s why I came here. Because I lived for a year with him not knowing exactly how I feel about him or if however I am feeling is the right thing to feel. And I lived for a year not knowing if I’d rather just be friends with him or if I’d prefer things to return to the way they were. And it just confuses me so much, because why didn’t I remember him in the first place? How could I have forgotten someone who meant the entire world to me? Did I really…really love him as much as I think I did? I know I did lots of things for him. But right now I don’t know what those things meant to me at that time. I don’t know if I’d do those things all over again for him if I had to, right now. I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know anything at all. And we’ve fought about this, we’ve fought more than once about how we feel about each other, and it’s just…it hurts so much. And I don’t know if I’d rather stay like this…or if I’d rather go back…because I don’t know which one would hurt him more. What if we screw up this second time? What if  _I_ screw up? I’m not perfect, and I don’t know…if I can do it again this time. I don’t know how we did it the first time. I don’t know, Louise. I don’t know what I’m doing, honestly.”

I lay down on my side and covered my face with the pillow, partly because I was so embarrassed to have ranted to someone I’d only known for a month or so – but more so because the truth of those words I’d just uttered had suddenly hit me. It hurt me so much that Toni and I had to hover around this weird relationship status. And although I knew all Toni wanted was for me to rediscover all my feelings for him, I couldn’t help but be scared at the sheer magnitude of the feelings that could hit me as soon as I figured it all out.

“The question is do  _you_  want to?” Louise asked. “Like, if you completely disregard his feelings, do  _you_  want to be with him?”

I groaned. “That’s the problem.”

“Jesus, Gabi,” she picked up another pillow and smacked me with it. “You don’t even know yourself.”

“I don’t,” I sighed. “I never have.”

“Are you going to say that Toni knows you more than you know yourself?”

I laughed, because that was true. “Yeah.”

She stared at me for a few moments, just taking it all in and probably analysing the expressions on my face – typical Louise – and then she reached over and pat my shoulder gently. “I know now. Maybe you’ll see in two weeks.”

I stared back at her as she took off Toni’s jersey and threw it at my face, before getting up and walking out of the room. “What do you mean ‘I know now’?” I called after her, but she just laughed and kept quiet.

I picked up Toni’s jersey and ran my hands along the number on the back. It was the one he wore when I was still asleep, the first match of the 2010/11 season. He’d told me that it was the first night I’d started to move, and he was there talking to me. He’d told me how happy he was to have seen it.

I might never know exactly how happy he felt on that night, but I was looking forward to the night I’d finally see him again, two weeks later – maybe I’d finally get a grasp, however slight, of how that happiness felt like.

Toni’s POV

Training was heating up, given that we’d just lost the German Cup final horrendously to Borussia Dortmund and the Champions League final was in just a week. I sighed as I turned onto my street. It was already dark, and the schedule for the coming days was equally intensive – if we weren’t having physical training, we were having tactical briefings.

I was hit by a blast of unexpected nostalgia as I saw a dark figure on my front steps. As I drove closer, the figure separated into two. There were two people. I parked my car and got out, only to see one of them stand up and start bounding towards me excitedly.

“TONI!!!” Gabi screamed like a little girl as she ran and crashed into me, knocking me backwards against the side of the car.

“Hey,” I laughed, wrapping my arms around her, taking in the familiar scent of her hair. But there was something different – she was slimmer. “You’ve lost weight.”

She pulled away. “I have?” she frowned. “I didn’t notice.”

“Yeah,” I let go of her before things could get awkward. “Is that Louise?” I asked as the other figure started walking towards us hesitantly.

“It is,” she said, hooking her arm through Louise’s as she approached. She was staring at Gabi with a ‘I told you so’ look, and Gabi was trying her best to ignore her.

“What’s going on?” I asked as they continued making looks at each other. “I feel left out of whatever you guys are doing.”

Gabi burst out laughing. “She’s just being dumb,” she leaned over closer so she could whisper in my ear. “As usual.”

“I heard that,” Louise chimed in.

“Come on,” Gabi dragged the both of us down the street. “Have you had dinner?” she asked me.

I shook my head, and a broad grin spread across her face as she continued walking down the street, leading us towards the cosy diner near the park. Her favourite place to eat.

She told me all about her life in London – even though I already knew everything through our Skype calls – as Louise sat there and stared at her incredulously, not believing how she could just ramble on excitedly without stopping. She shifted her gaze to me, and I shrugged. I loved Gabi, every inch of her, and it didn’t matter how unladylike she looked at that moment.

Life outside football had been hell without Gabi around. She was my pillar of strength. She was my everything. I felt so terribly lonely without her, and with Amelie constantly trying to convince me to fly over to London one day to get her back, to get her to be with me again, just didn’t make anything any better.

I couldn’t stop myself from staring at her while she was talking. She was exactly the same Gabi, her eyes glowing with enthusiasm as she continued describing every detail. She was so passionate about what she was doing. Occasionally, her hand slipped over and rested on my arm – it all felt so natural, and she didn’t even notice she was doing It, but it just kept drifting back to its place on my forearm.

How could I do whatever Amelie told me to do? I couldn’t rip her and her dreams apart from each other. I had to let her go on her own if I loved her. And I did. I loved her more than anything else in this world.

At the end of the night, Gabi had to return to the hotel to join the rest of her team, so we had to separate ways again, but I couldn’t have felt more contented. After almost half a year, I’d finally gotten to see her again, and feel her warm hugs, and smell her soft hair, and see her beautiful smile. And all this just one week before the biggest match of my life.

But more than that, I saw something in her eyes. I saw a glimpse of what we were before. I didn’t know if it was just me thinking too much into things, but right then, I didn’t care. And I thought, it didn’t matter if it hurt me that Gabi had to move all the way to London; if she really found herself there like she said she would, then everything would be worth it.


	38. Remember When

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The songs accompanying this chapter are Chandelier by Sia and Sick Little Games by All Time Low.

Toni’s POV

There was a hunched figure leaning against the wall down the hallway from my hotel room. I was heading downstairs for the banquet – although right then, I wasn’t even sure what we were celebrating anymore – and the figure looked up at me as I passed. It was Gabi.

“Hey,” she whispered. “I wasn’t sure which room you were in.”

I forced a smile. “I have to go downstairs. For the…uh…dinner.”

“I know,” she smiled back, a sad smile which sent bad vibes through my every nerve. “I just wanted to say…I don’t even know what to say.”

“Hey,” I said as she looked down to try and hide the tears falling down her face. “Hey, Gabi, don’t cry. I’m sorry, Gabi. I’m so sorry.”

She wept into her hands as I stepped closer and wrapped my arms around her. I’d disappointed her again. I’d disappointed her so many times, but this was the ultimate disappointment. The lost final, the highly-coveted piece of history, the rare opportunity lost, and the fear of never getting to try it again.

“Toni, I –“ she choked.

“Shhhh,” I rubbed her back gently while trying to hold my own tears in. “Shhh, please don’t cry. Please, Gabi. I’m so sorry.”

“Please don’t be sorry,” she whispered. “It’s not your fault.”

“Come on, go back to your room, okay?” I took her hand and led her to the lifts. She pressed the button for the ninth floor.

“Can I…” she hesitated, and then looked at the ground as if it was the most interesting thing she’d ever seen. “Um…can I see you later?”

“Of course,” I whispered. I couldn’t speak any more if I didn’t want my voice to give me away.

“I’m sorry,” she whimpered.

“Gabi…” I started, before a lump in my throat stopped me.

She looked up at me in concern while wiping her tears hastily. “Don’t cry,” she choked out a laugh.

“Look who’s talking,” I chuckled.

She reached out and gently wiped my tears before they could fall. “Be strong,” she whispered.

I nodded and forced another smile, although right then all I wanted to do was to fall to the floor outside Gabi’s room in a heap and stay there until I was ready to face the world again. But I was running late for the banquet, so I just wrapped my arms tightly around her instead.

“Everything will be fine, okay Gabi?” I whispered into her hair. I had to stay strong for her. And for everybody else. “Please don’t cry. I’ll be back here later. Wait for me if you can’t sleep.”

“Okay,” she whispered back. “I’ll wait for you.”

She stuck her hands in her pocket and watched as I walked back to the lifts. I turned around to take one last look at her, and she lifted one shaking hand to wave at me. “Bye,” she mouthed.

Gabi’s POV

“Are you done?” Louise demanded, jabbing her finger at the digital clock on our shared bedside table. “The report is supposed to be up  _at most_ thirty minutes after the celebrations. I already gave you an extra twenty minutes. Please tell me you’re done, Gabi.”

“Okay, okay,” I whispered. “I’m done. I just sent it to you.”

She heaved a sigh and came over to sit beside me. “I’m sorry for yelling,” she said. “It’s just…you didn’t just come here to watch the match, you know? We gave you this responsibility for a reason. Because we thought you could do it. And we hoped you wouldn’t let us down. There are still others in the nearby rooms – if you couldn’t do the report, you could have asked them. I don’t want to see this happening again, okay?”

“Yeah,” I sobbed. “Okay. Sorry.”

“Gabi…” she reached over and hugged me tightly. “I’m sorry about the loss. But there’s really nothing you can do about it now. I’m sorry. I know how much it means to you…and to Toni. But please, please don’t cry anymore. Go to bed, okay? I’ll check the article and post it up for you. Please have some rest. And stop crying, you don’t want to ruin your pretty eyes.”

I lay down with my back facing her, trying to control my ugly sobbing and failing horribly. As hard as I tried to drift off to sleep, I just couldn’t, so I just lay there. I heard her sigh in relief as she finished the work. Her sheets rustled as she got up and went out of the room to check on the other writers, who were in charge of other articles.

“Awake?” my phone buzzed with the text from Toni. I got up and padded silently to the door, only to run into Louise on the other side.

“Where are you going?” she asked. I couldn’t find my voice to answer her, so she guessed, “Toni?”

I nodded, so she gave me another hug before closing the door. The lift doors opened to reveal Toni’s forlorn figure trudging out and towards my room.

“Are you staying here tonight?” I asked, my voice hoarse.

“They told us we can stay if we want,” he shrugged. “I’m staying with you.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to,” he grabbed my hand and dragged me inside the lift. “Come on, we have to tell each other all our stories.”

I kept my head bent low all the way to the eighteenth floor and to his room. He didn’t speak to me, but he held on to my hand tightly, as if he knew exactly how I was feeling and that he felt the same way.

He gave my hand an encouraging squeeze before letting it go to open the room door. Once inside, he checked the mini cooler while I dragged my feet over to the bed and sat down. His head reappeared above the counter with a cheeky smile as he brandished a bottle of wine.

“You like?” he asked.

I smiled and shrugged.

I heard a pop and then the clink of glasses as he brought it over to the bed and sat next to me. “Come on,” he said soothingly. “Let’s get drunk and forget everything, okay?”

He poured the wine into a glass and handed it to me, but I shook my head. He handed me the other empty glass. “I know you don’t like wine, so I stole these for you,” he reached under his jacket and produced two bottles of beer, one from each inner pocket. “Beer in a wineglass, very classy eh Gabi?”

I couldn’t help but laugh as he opened the beer and started pouring it into the glass instead of handing it to me. But that laughter soon turned to tears as the irony of the whole situation dawned on me.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. “I mean, I’m supposed to be the one comforting you, but you…now…I’m the one crying and you’re the one doing the comforting.”

“Hey,” he said softly, scooting over closer to me. “It’s okay, Gabi. Just forget it, okay? I know it’s hard. Tonight was the worst night of my life, as well. I know it won’t be easy for us to get over it, but we have to. So…just for tonight, we’ll forget everything, okay? Everything. Please don’t cry, Gabi. You have to be strong. This is just…” he choked on his words, as if he wasn’t even convinced anymore. “It’s just a small blip…in everything. Next season…it will be better…right? It has to be better.”

“Toni,” I mumbled, grabbing the glasses and bottles from him and putting them on the bedside table. I reached over and hugged him tightly. “It will be better. I know it will. I’m sorry. Just…just cry it out, okay? Cry it out. I’m sorry. I’m here now, just cry everything out, and then we’ll get drunk and forget it just for the night, okay?”

He didn’t answer. He buried his face in my sweater and wrapped his arms tightly around me, and he cried. He cried so much, my entire shoulder was wet.

I was briefly transported to the time when he lay in his bed, refusing to face me or talk to me, because he thought he’d let me down by not being included in the German U-21 team. I remembered how his body trembled with sobs as I desperately tried to make him feel better.

And I heard Amelie’s voice in my head, clear as day; Amelie telling me how much Toni cried trying to explain to her why he didn’t want to talk to me. Telling me that she’d never seen a boy cry so much in her entire life.

I looked at Toni, sobbing violently in my arms, and all the memories of us being there for each other came back to me. But before I could dwell on them for too long, he suddenly raised his head and pulled himself out of my arms.

“Better?” I asked as he wiped his tears on the back of his hands. He nodded, but his face was still wet, so I laughed and offered him my sweater sleeve. “Here, use this.”

He glanced at me questioningly, so I just reached out and wiped his face for him. Then I stood up, slipped his suit jacket off his shoulders, and hung it up in the closet. I took my sweater off and hung it beside his jacket. When I returned to the bed, he was holding the glasses of wine and beer.

“Let’s get drunk, bestie,” he said in a ridiculously playful tone which I couldn’t help but giggle at.

Toni’s POV

“Oh, my God,” Gabi hiccupped as she flopped over on the bed. She was so drunk. The beer wasn’t even enough for her, apparently, because she’d taken the remaining wine from me and drank it all. She’d even made me open a new bottle from the cooler. “Remember when…” she giggled, and then stopped talking.

I flopped down beside her. “Remember when what?” my words were all slurred, I was so wasted.

She giggled again. “I forgot.”

“Remember when you forgot?” I asked, confused.

“Shut up,” she put her hand on my face and shoved it aside.

“My turn,” I removed her hand from my face. “Remember when Lennox peed…on your books?”

“Ugh,” she whined. “Nobody wants to buy them…because they…they’re all…pee-ish.”

“Pee-ish?”

“Yes…pee-ish.”

I laughed. Without even thinking, I picked up her hand and kissed the back of it.

She giggled again. She couldn’t stop giggling. “That tickles…do it again.”

I did it again, this time watching the expression on her face. She closed her eyes as my lips touched her skin, and then she opened them and gazed at me. There was almost a pleading look in her eyes. With my mind dazed by the bottle of wine that I’d downed, the next thing my drunk instinct told me to do was to continue.

I dragged her closer to me, closing the gap between us, and kissed her hand again, this time tracing an entire path of kisses up her right arm. Her eyes never left mine as I did it, her beautiful blue eyes which pierced through my every cell.

“I think I just got un-drunk,” she whispered.

“Un-drunk?” I asked, our faces just inches apart. “That’s a sign that you’re still drunk.”

“I really want to kiss you right now,” she confessed.

Before my brain could even process that sentence, my itchy mouth said, “Then kiss me.”

Without any further warning, she shifted her head towards me and planted her lips on mine gently. The alcohol did a horrible job at numbing anything, because a jolt of electricity shot through my entire body.

“Wow,” Gabi whispered, as if it was the very first time she’d ever kissed me. “That…I…I feel like someone just tasered me.”

And that was when I realised it was because she felt that same jolt of electricity.

“Do you like being tasered?” I asked.

She paused. Slowly, she released her hand from my grip and moved it towards my face, resting it gently on my cheek. I wasn’t sure where this was going. We were both drunk and confused, and I didn’t know if what she felt – or what I thought she felt – was real or fake; but with all I had, I hoped that the next word she uttered was the truth.

“Yes,” she whispered.

“I like being tasered, too,” I whispered back.

“Let’s taser each other then.”

Before I could even process that statement, she jerked my head violently towards her and pressed her lips onto mine eagerly. She gave a soft moan as I responded, her hands snaking up through my hair and her body pressing hard against mine.

I didn’t want her to stop, of course, and I didn’t want to stop myself either. I wrapped my legs around her and dragged her on top of me.

“Remember when,” she panted in between kisses. “I got drunk and tried to rape you?”

“Remember when,” I slid my hands under her t-shirt. “I stopped you?”

“Are you going to stop me now?”

“Is this you,” I reached up and caressed her face. “Or the alcohol?”

“My hands…and lips…” she kissed me some more. “They aren’t controlled by alcohol.”

“You sure?” I gasped, but I didn’t need an answer, because I looked into her eyes and saw the deepest look of longing, the purest gaze, not fogged by the heaviness of the alcohol, even though I knew she was completely wasted. I was, too, and so I couldn’t stop myself when I reached further underneath her shirt and yanked it off.

“This is me, Toni,” she whispered, unzipping my pants. “All of me. And tonight, I want you.”

Gabi’s POV

He didn’t try to stop me. I didn’t  _want_  to stop. Within a furious ten seconds or so, we were stripped completely naked and lying there in the messed-up sheets, my legs straddling his body.

He stared up at me, his chest heaving up and down with his shallow breaths as his eyes moved down my body, and then up again until they landed on my face.

“You like?” I asked him.

“Gabriele,” he closed his eyes and sighed loudly. “You look amazing.”

There was a slight haze covering my mind, but I still knew one thing – that I wanted this. I didn’t know why, or how; I didn’t know anything else, but I knew I wanted this. I lifted myself and gently lowered myself onto him again so he slipped comfortably into me, grabbing his biceps tightly as he groaned in pleasure.

“Gabi,” he whispered as he grabbed the back of my neck and pulled my face down closer to his so he could devour my mouth again. “Oh, my Gabriele.”

“I’m yours,” I breathed. “I’m yours tonight.”

“I’m yours forever,” he moaned as his lips surrounded my nipple eagerly, sucking on it and taking me higher. His hands moved lazily down my body and rested on my backside, just squeezing it softly, opening me further and gently lifting me up and down. It was perfect. We fit perfectly.

I yelled out in shock as he suddenly rolled over and pinned me under him. He traced kisses down my neck and then lifted my hands one by one to kiss the back of them, all the while his hips still moving, still ramming himself deeper into me. We fit, oh we fit so perfectly, it was like we were made for each other and nobody else.

“Relax, baby,” he whispered, his lips surrounding my earlobe.

And that was when I realised my nails had been digging into his back and my teeth had been gritted in anticipation. My insides were tightening, and it was as if his words were a mantra, because I suddenly let go, I was suddenly released from the top of a cliff, falling, falling, faster and faster.

Was I falling to my death? I didn’t know. It certainly felt that way. I saw images flashing past, and I thought I was dying. Images of us, me and Toni, and everything we went through. How we met, how we got together, how we kept it from my family and eventually let them know, how we used to hang out at each other’s houses, how we lived in Cologne like a little married couple having the time of their lives, how we got the dogs, how I got into the accident, and finally how we got to where we were today – because I was so indecisive, because he loved me so much and I couldn’t decide if I loved him back.

The last moments before I fell into a disturbed, drunken sleep were haunted by the possibility that he might regret it the next morning, that he might hate himself or be angry with himself because of me. That he might be upset because he let me down again, but in reality he didn’t. I didn’t want Toni to be hurt. I never wanted Toni to be hurt.

——

I woke up to Toni curled around me like a vine, a wild throbbing in the centre of my head, and the sun shining brightly through the window. I groaned, and then slapped my hand over my mouth when I realised Toni was still asleep.

I lay there as the past night’s events came back to me scene by scene, and I groaned again, internally this time. As gently as I could, I removed Toni’s arms and legs from around me and climbed out of bed, putting on my underwear and grabbing the nearest piece of clothing I could find.

Just as I was attempting to leave the room, Toni’s half-asleep and hungover voice came from the bed. “Gabi,” he called hoarsely.

I stopped. “I’m sorry,” I whispered without turning around.

He hesitated before asking, “Do you regret it?”

Do  _you_  regret it? If you regret it, then I do.

“I don’t know,” was what I said instead. As calmly as I could, trying to stop my hands from trembling, I opened the room door, slipped out, and closed it softly behind me.

“Where have you been?!” Louise demanded as I opened the door to our room.

“Shhh,” a sharp pain shot through my head. “Don’t yell at me.”

She eyed me from top to toe. “Walk of shame, Gabi?”

“How did you know?” I blurted out, and then blushed. “I mean…what?”

“You’re wearing his shirt…and no pants,” she pointed out. “What the hell? Did you run into anyone on the way here?”

I looked down only to see that I was wearing Toni’s white shirt from last night’s banquet – and my shorts were missing. “Jesus Christ,” I muttered, covering my face with my hands and sitting down on the bed.

“What happened? Did he make you do anything you didn’t want to? Are you okay?”

“No, no I –“ I suddenly burst into tears. “No…I…I don’t know. I don’t know, Louise.”

Suddenly, there was a knock on our door. “Hey,” Toni’s muffled voice came in through the cracks. “It’s me. Toni.”

“Do you want to see him?” Louise asked me.

I lay down on the bed and faced away from the door. “Can you…tell him I’m not here? Please.”

She went over to the door and opened it. “Uh…is Gabi inside?” Toni asked.

“She’s not here.”

“She left her things,” Toni said, presumably handing Louise my clothes. “And…uh, can you please tell her I’m sorry?”

“Okay,” Louise said before closing the door. She threw my clothes on top of me as she sat on the bed beside me. “Gabi,” she soothed. “Please don’t cry. I know you went through a lot yesterday night, and I’m saying this as your friend, not your superior, but you have to pull yourself together. You’re here to work, not to play. And if you really want to go to the Euros, you’ve got to buck up. I know you won’t be able to write any articles today, and I’ve got you covered for that. Get some rest, okay? Please pull yourself together. Don’t let us down.”

I nodded and pulled the covers over my head, sobbing silently into my hand. I felt like my entire world had come crashing down on me the previous night. First losing the match of a lifetime, and then doing something I wasn’t even sure was right. Maybe having sex with Toni was supposed to resolve my ‘maybe’ into a ‘yes’ or a ‘no,’ but instead it just made me more confused.

——

“Again?!” Louise yelled. “You slept with him again?!”

“No…yes…I…Louise,” I groaned, my head in my hands. Another hotel, another loss, another wild night with Toni, this time after the Euro 2012 semi-final loss.

“Just get back together already,” she rolled her eyes.

“You don’t understand.”

It was nearly two weeks ago, and we were already back in our London apartment, but I just had to tell Louise, because I felt that I just had to tell someone, and that Louise was the only one who would listen. I remembered that night like it happened a few moments ago.

He was standing there, down the hallway to his room, and staring at me, just gazing at me as if he could read my entire soul from where he was standing. He looked completely broken. We hadn’t talked since that first drunken night, but in those few moments, it was as if everything had been resolved and we were friends again. We still knew each other inside out, top to bottom, in every way possible. And so another passionate night went past under the sheets. Another night to put in my mental book of  _nights I enjoyed but would rather forget because they made me confused._

“I might not understand, but I definitely understand more than you do,” she smacked me on the shoulder. “I mean Gabi, literally  _everybody_  knows you better than you know yourself.”

“Shut up,” I stood up and collected all the Toni jerseys strewn across my room. I folded them up nicely and tucked them into a dark corner of my wardrobe.

“Why are you doing that?”

“Because we aren’t friends anymore,” I said quietly.

“Jesus, Gabi,” she went and sat on the floor beside me. “You know you still want to be friends with each other.”

“Do we?” I asked, my voice breaking from my sudden tears. “I don’t know, Louise. I’m so confused.”

She wrapped her arms around me tightly. “He loves you.”

“I know,” I sobbed.

“Then why are you doing this? Why don’t you just…let him?”

“I…I don’t know. Why? Why does he love me? There are so many things about me that…that are flawed. I don’t…what if…what if I screw up? I don’t want to screw up. I feel like I know him inside out, but at the same time…I don’t know. It’s like there’s a missing piece in the whole puzzle. I don’t want to waste his time, or cheat him of his feelings…or whatever. I can’t give him an answer…because I can’t say it if I don’t know if it’s the truth.”

“Oh, Gabi,” she whispered. “Why do you care so much about how  _he_ feels? Love can be selfish sometimes. Why don’t you think about how  _you_  feel for once?”

“I don’t know how I feel,” I whispered.

She rolled her eyes. “Of course. But I think you already know, Gabi. You just can’t see it yet. I mean, even  _I_  know, just by looking at the two of you.”

——

I hadn’t spoken to Toni since the day of the Euro semi-finals. In fact, we hadn’t even spoken much on that night, unless moaning was counted. Four months had already passed, and the weather was already getting colder, but there wasn’t a single peep from him. Or from me. Even Louise was on the verge of giving up.

Surprisingly, Louise was waiting for me on a park bench as I finished my usual routine of kicking a ball myself and getting lost in my thoughts; one of the last few chances I had before the cold London winter set in. She sat there with one leg crossed over the other, staring at me curiously as I made my way over to her with a ball tucked under my arm.

“Why do you always do that?” she asked.

“Do what?”

“Lob the ball into the bin.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know, I just like doing it.”

“You’re really good,” she nudged me as we started on the short walk home. “Every shot goes in.”

“I’m still learning,” I shook my head and looked down in embarrassment. “Why are you here?”

“My cousin is here,” she told me. She’d told me about her cousin coming over to visit, but that had been a few weeks ago and I hadn’t expected time to pass by so quickly. “He’s a few days ahead of schedule. You didn’t bring your phone, so I decided to come over and fetch you home before going to settle some office stuff. Then you won’t be scared or think he’s a burglar or something.”

“I’m not a kid,” I complained.

She laughed. “Well, he can be quite intimidating.”

And I knew exactly what she meant the moment I set my eyes on him.

Sat on our couch was a well-built figure; wide shoulders, firm arms and a well-fitted shirt; tousled hair and deep brown, brooding eyes. He looked so familiar, but I couldn’t put a name to the image of him. Until he made eye contact with me as I stood with Louise by the front door.

His eyes widened when he saw me staring at him expectantly and a little bit confused. And then, right then, I knew who he was. I recognised him immediately.

“Gabriele?” he couldn’t even hide the surprise in his voice.

The recognition almost knocked me off my feet. The part of my life I never wanted to go back to, but somehow found its way back to me again. Miraculously, I managed to find enough of my voice to answer his greeting.

“Josef?”


	39. Wait For Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song accompanying this chapter is Photograph by Ed Sheeran.

Gabi’s POV

I just stared at him. I didn’t know what else to do except to stare at him. His gaze never faltered under mine, but the look of confusion intensified. I felt my mouth fall open, and I closed it, only to have it fall open again a few moments later.

I stood there, my mouth opening and closing but no words coming out of it, until Louise finally said, “Uh…you guys know each other?”

I turned my gaze to her. “He’s your cousin?”

“Yeah…you know him?” she asked again.

“Hell yeah I do,” I muttered, whipping my gaze back to him. He was still staring at me intently. I turned on my heel and walked into my room without turning back, slamming the door so hard that my photo frames started rattling on my table.

My photo frames. I went over and picked one up, the one that would always be my favourite – the one of Toni and I lying on the field by the Isar. I brought it over to the bed and lay down on my side, pressing it close to my chest.

Seeing Josef brought back everything. Even if it was just for a few seconds. Because Toni was there when I had to get through what Josef said to me. Hell, Toni was always there. _Always._

And then right then, in that very moment, everything came crashing down on me. All the emotional turmoil over the past few months, all the doubt, the questioning, the frustration, the running away, everything. Everything was compounded and hinged on today; the nostalgic kicking of the ball in the park alone and then meeting Josef again. Everything hit me, blow by blow, and I finally let it all out. I pulled my knees to my chest, hugging myself into a ball with the photo frame still in my hands, and cried. I didn’t even care how loudly I sobbed or if Josef and Louise were going to hear me. I felt like I’d been holding it all in for the longest time, that I’d been avoiding reality all this while.

I lifted the photo frame and gazed at it, my fingertips stroking Toni’s face; his beautiful smile, his beautiful seawater eyes, crinkled in the corners with his genuine smile.

“I miss you,” I whispered, and again as I said those words I was struck by how true they were. “I miss you so much, Toni. How are you? Not football. How are  _you_? Why won’t you call me? I want to hear your voice…I want to hear you tell me that everything is going to be okay. I’m sorry, Toni. I’m so sorry.”

Suddenly, there was a knock on my door. “Gabi?” Louise’s muffled voice came across. “Can I come in?”

I didn’t answer; I was still shaking too badly to do that. Louise, being Louise, just let herself in.

The bed dipped a little as she sat down on it gently. “You okay?” she asked.

“I can’t believe he’s your fucking cousin,” I blurted out, my voice still thick with tears.

She laughed softly. “I know, right?”

I turned to face her. “Do you have any idea what he did to me?”

“I do,” she said, and I just continued staring at her. “Uh…he just told me.”

I turned back and gripped the photo frame tightly. “I hate him,” I whispered, tears falling out of my eyes again. “It hurts…it still hurts.”

“Gabi,” she reached over and smoothened my hair back from my face. “I’m so sorry. If I’d known…I wouldn’t have brought him over here.”

“Is he still outside?” I asked.

As if on cue, my room door creaked open. “Can I come in?” Josef asked.

“What do you think?” Louise snapped.

“Gabriele,” Josef changed his strategy, addressing me directly. “I’m sorry. I really am.”

I didn’t answer him. I gritted my teeth tightly, grabbing on to the photo frame for dear life, and stayed silent, my back facing him. I wanted so much to get up and punch him in the face, and it took all my willpower to stay still where I was.

“Can we please be friends?” he continued, and I rolled my eyes at how childish that sounded. “I’m sorry. I hope you’ll forgive me.”

“It’s too late,” I mumbled.

“To apologise?” Louise said cheekily, almost singing the words, and started laughing. I turned and glared at her, and she stopped. But there was still remnants of her goofy smile on her face, and I wasn’t sure if it was because of all the overwhelming emotions that I’d felt over the past ten minutes, but I couldn’t help but burst out laughing.

“I hate you, Louise,” I choked, laughing and crying at the same time.

“I couldn’t resist,” she flopped down beside me and shook the entire bed with her laughter. “Oh, my God. That was genius. I’m a genius.”

“Uh…” Josef shuffled his feet awkwardly by the door. “I…um…I’ll be outside.”

He slipped out of the room and closed the door softly. I stared at the plain old wood for a few moments before turning back to Louise, only to see her gazing at me expectantly.

“Well?” she asked.

“Well what?”

“Are you going to talk to him?”

I sighed. “I don’t know.”

“He’s changed,” she said. “I mean…he’s my cousin, and I’ve known him since he was born, and I know he was a huge jerk in the past. I had no idea that he’d do…say…whatever he did to you. But he’s changed. He really has. I mean, that thing happened like…three years ago? He’s a different man now.”

I snorted. “Yeah, right.”

“He’s grown up, settled down…” she sighed, reaching over and squeezing my shoulder gently. Suddenly, her expression changed, and she peered into my hands curiously. “Is that the photo of you and Toni?”

“Yes…” I pulled it closer to me defensively. “Why?”

“Why are you holding it like that? You never let me touch it.  _You_  never touch it.”

“Can’t I hold my own things? It’s mine!”

She continued staring at me suspiciously. And then, I was again bombarded with all the emotions I felt a few minutes earlier. I sat up, wrapped my arms tightly around Louise, and burst into tears.

“Oh, Gabi,” she soothed, stroking my back gently. “You miss him, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” I choked. “I miss him. I…seeing him…your…seeing Josef…I wish Toni was here. He was always there…always there for me. And now I’ve lost him.”

“Shhhhh,” she whispered. “I don’t think you’ve lost him. I think he’s afraid. He’s afraid that you’re angry with him after he made you sleep with him.”

“But I’m not,” I whined. “And he didn’t  _make_  me.”

“He doesn’t know that, Gabi.”

“I really miss him,” I whispered.

“Why don’t you talk to Josef?” she suggested. “I mean, I know you hate him and things like that. But as I’ve told you, he’s changed. Just give him another chance. As intimidating as he is, he can be rather wise.”

Tears were still streaming down my face, but I couldn’t help but laugh. “Josef? Wise?”

She laughed along. “Yeah. I’ve never said that to anyone, but it’s true. Don’t tell him that, or he’ll get all big-headed.”

Reluctantly, I followed Louise out of my room and to the couch, where Josef was seated stiffly, looking at the ground, a sad look in his eyes. It tugged at somewhere deep within me; a feeling I refused to acknowledge. What he did to me was an outrage of modesty, in public, a ridiculous action, one that haunted me till this day. I thought I was never going to forgive him; but then again, I thought I’d never see him again in my life.

He looked up when we reached the living room. His eyes suddenly lit up with hope as he saw us. “Hey,” he said softly, hesitantly.

I stared at him.

“Uh…do you wanna…sit down?” he asked.

“It’s my house,” I mumbled.

“Yeah,” he whispered. “Yeah, sorry.”

The look of despair on his face made me feel guilty. I rolled my eyes internally.  _How ironic, Gabi._

“How have you been?” I asked, deciding to distract myself from all the weird feelings.

His gaze snapped up to my face, shocked at my concern. “Uh…I’m fine. How about you?”

“Yeah, me too,” I said softly as Louise plopped down beside me with three glasses of water.

“Oh, please, ‘ _fine_ ’ is the last word I’d use to describe you, Gabi,” Louise rolled her eyes.

“What happened?” Josef piped in, but one look from me and his curiosity waned. “I mean…if you want to tell me, of course.”

He looked so frightened, I couldn’t help but laugh. “It’s nothing…just girly romance stuff.”

“Oh…Toni?”

“Yeah,” I whispered. “Toni.”

“You guys…are still together, right?”

Louise rolled her eyes so hard they almost fell out onto the floor. “They’re not, that’s the point! Jesus, you’re so dense. And here I was trying to convince Gabi to come out here by telling her you got wiser.”

He stared at her in mock horror. “Well, I’m sorry to disappoint!”

I laughed. I had no idea that talking to them would be so liberating. The both of them turned and looked at me, the strange girl sitting in between them laughing like an idiot although her eyes were still puffy from crying.

“Well, now that you’re in this good mood,” Josef said sourly, trying and failing not to look offended at me laughing at him. “What happened between you and Toni?”

I glanced at Louise, and she nodded at me eagerly, answering my unspoken question of whether to trust Josef.

“Are you this interested because you’re going to hit on me again now that I’m single?” I blurted out my unfiltered thoughts.

Josef stared at me. He just stared at me, his mouth slowly falling open. I felt Louise’s stare boring into me from my other side. I looked at him, then at her. “What?” I asked.

Suddenly, they burst out laughing. They clutched onto their stomachs and leaned back on the couch, laughing their heads off, obviously entertained by my question. But I didn’t understand why.

“What?!” I grabbed Louise and shook her. “What are you laughing at?”

“He…Josef…you…he…oh, Gabi!”

“I…I’m,” was all Josef managed to say before he started laughing again.

“You’re what?!” I was almost yelling.

He lifted the hand that wasn’t on his tummy and flashed it in my face. “I’m engaged!”

“Oh,” I felt my mouth go dry. It was no wonder they were laughing at me! I took a closer look, and there was a ring on his finger. “I’m sorry! Oh, god.”

“It’s okay,” he laughed again. “I mean, it’s quite expected that you think I’m still going around hitting on fifty girls a day.”

I felt myself blush. “Well, that was what you were doing the last time I saw you.”

Louise was flopped over on the armrest, sated by her intense laughing fit. “Eva changed him so much,” she piped in.

“Eva?”

“My fiancée,” Josef explained.

“That’s why I think you should talk to him,” Louise sighed. “I mean, he learnt a whole lot of stuff from her, and maybe he could wake you up from your delusional slumber.”

I eyed Josef, who was peering at me expectantly through his incredibly long eyelashes. I didn’t know if I could trust him this time, but I trusted Louise, and Louise trusted him.

 _To hell with it,_ I thought.  _There’s nothing to be ashamed of._  So I shrugged and took a deep breath, and I told him everything starting from when I woke up from the coma. I told him how and why Toni kept everything from me, our entire relationship and everything that we’d been through together. Including Cologne, because of him. No one had ever heard the part about Cologne; not even Amelie or my parents, because I never told them about Josef and his antics. Only Toni and I knew. And so Louise was taken in as well, leaning further towards me and listening intently.

And then, in typical Gabriele crybaby style, I burst out crying in the middle of telling them about the night of the Munich final and the Euro semi-final. Because that was the end. That was the end of me and Toni’s relationship, whether we were just friends or otherwise.

Louise reached over and pulled me into a hug, but Josef sat there awkwardly, not entirely sure what he was supposed to do.

“That’s so sad,” he whispered.

“The point is, I still don’t know,” I sobbed. “I still don’t know if I love him.”

“I think it’s pretty obvious to everybody, though,” Louise muttered.

I turned to Josef, who said softly, “Yeah, I think it’s pretty obvious, too.”

“How?”

“Well…he loves you. There’s no doubt about that at all. There’s no other reason why he would keep all those things from you. It’s the first thing that you should remember – that he loves you. And even though for some reason or another you don’t know it, you love him as well.

“It was the same thing with me and Eva. I know it might sound strange to you, given the situation we were in when we met and when we stopped seeing each other around. But even though I went around hitting on all those girls, I never once thought that I could be loved. Maybe that’s why I went around finding people to sleep with. Maybe I just hoped that something real would come out of it. Or maybe, to some extent, a little part of me had given up on love. Maybe it was all just for sex. I don’t know, and to be honest I don’t care anymore, because that’s the past.

“And then Eva came along. She wasn’t like any other girl. Not at all. Not even a little bit. You know, girls like you…most girls actually, they avoided me. They never once came near me voluntarily. But Eva did. She sat down beside me one day during lunch and started talking to me. I didn’t want to talk to her initially, because when it came to girls I preferred sexing…you know. But she didn’t give up on me. Made friends with me, made me tell her why I was always so brooding…stuff like that. And I didn’t know it, but I slowly fell for her. And am so, so lucky that she feels the same way.

“But I didn’t believe it at first. I didn’t believe that a girl like her would love me, I didn’t see what she saw in me. I struggled with it for a long while, with all those new feelings that I didn’t understand. But even though I doubted her and I doubted myself, Eva never left. She never once told me ‘Fuck, Josef, you don’t trust me, how can we continue like this?’ She never once did that. And that was when I realised that it wasn’t that I didn’t trust her. I trusted her with all I had. The person I didn’t trust was myself. And she knew it, Eva knew this, even though I never once told her.”

I was intrigued, sat there on the couch gaping at him, surprised that such a big, strong, wild man could have such strong feelings deep inside of him.

He sighed, a blissful smile on his face. “Eva is the best thing that ever happened to me.”

_“I know I might not be the best thing that has happened to you, but I promise, you are the best thing that has happened to me in my entire life.”_

“Oh, my God,” I whispered, putting my hands over my face and weeping into them. “That’s what Toni said to me. That I was the best thing that ever happened to him.”

“What are you afraid of?” he asked. “I mean, you’re all the way here in London to work, but I’m sure it’s not just the work. You’re running away. From him.”

“Why would I be doing that?” I sobbed.

“Because you’re scared,” he said. “Tell me, Gabriele, what are you scared of the most? Regarding you and Toni?”

“That I’ll hurt him,” I whispered. “Because I don’t know…I don’t know what he sees in me. What if…what if it doesn’t work out? I mean…there were all these guys before that…like you…they wanted me. And Toni wants me too, but…I…I don’t know if I’m just a face, or I’m what he really wants. What if I turn out to be someone that he doesn’t want? I don’t remember how it worked out the first time. I don’t want to hurt him.”

“So you don’t trust yourself.”

“I don’t…yeah…I guess I don’t.”

“We’re the same, then,” he laughed softly. “How did you two get into a relationship?”

“He kissed me,” I smiled at the thought. “He just grabbed me and kissed me. We were best friends.”

“And did you like him then?”

“I did,” I said. “It took me a long time to realise it, but I loved him,” I frowned. “Wait…there was something…something that happened.”

“What?”

“I can’t remember,” I buried my face in my hands again. “I always wondered why…I loved him, and he loved me, and I knew that, but I never knew why. Why did he love me? Why did I love him?”

“Gabriele, you…” he sighed heavily. “You’ve got to stop thinking so much. You’ve got to just let it go. I mean…love isn’t something that can be quantified. You love in any way you want, it’s all up to you. And when you find someone else who loves in the same way that you do, then you know you’ve found the one. You have to stop asking  _why_ , Gabriele. You’ve got to start thinking of the  _how_. Because it isn’t the  _why_  that makes love feel the way it does, as magical as it does. It’s the  _how_. How can you love him? How can you let him know that you love him? How? It’s the  _how_  that really tells you that you love him, that you want him, and you  _want to love him_.  _How can you do it?_  It’s not the  _why._  Because once you’re asking why, you’re giving yourself excuses. You don’t need excuses, for fuck’s sake. You don’t need reasons to love someone, you don’t need to justify it. You just love.  

“‘Because I love him’should always be the end to any argument. Never let anyone ask you ‘but why do you love him?’because that doesn’t matter. ‘Because I love him’ is the end. The last answer you should ever give anybody.

“You ran here because you’re afraid that you’ll hurt him – you know, by doing this, you’re actually hurting him more. You’re so far away, and he wants to love you, he wants to be with you, but you’re leaving him all alone there and you’re here crying your eyes out. What good does it do to both of you? I think you love him…you want to love him, but you don’t know how. So what I think you should do is…think of how you did it. How did you love him before?”

My face was still buried in my hands, so I closed my eyes and thought. I thought long and hard about how we loved, Toni and I, for all those years. All the ups and downs, all the being there for each other, all the nights we spent staying up together, just listening to each other talk, no matter how tired we were. And I realised – there wasn’t a reason we did all those things. There wasn’t a  _why_. We just did all those things, simply because we wanted to. Because we loved each other.

How…how did I love him? I gave myself to him, I trusted him with all that I ever had, and he never, ever once let me down. I gave him all of me. But why? No, I’ve got to stop thinking of why. I want to know how.

_Thanks for hanging out with me in the cold. I’m not cold anymore. You make me so warm inside. You make me so alive._

_The moon. There was a gigantic, beautiful round winter moon, and there was snow on the ground, and we were just lying there, making snow angels, giggling, and talking. He was so tired. Toni was so tired, his eyes were going to close at any moment, but he lay there, gazing at me lovingly, listening to me talk._

_I realised something on that night…what was it? I realised that love couldn’t be put into words or actions. Love wasn’t tangible. Love was just…love. And it was how we loved each other that made the feeling so strong, made it so magical and so colourful that we never wanted to let it go. Love couldn’t be shown. Love was felt. And on that night, I felt it. I felt all the love that Toni had for me, and all the love that I had for him._

_And whenever I thought of that night, I knew. I knew how this relationship was going to continue, even though I was so full of self-doubt. I knew that this was how it was going to carry on. I knew that I was going to let him. Because that was what was going to make him happy, and happy was what I wanted him to be. So I would let him._

_Let him love me._

_That was why! Oh, God, that was how it worked out the first time! That was why he kept everything from me. Because he was going to let me be who I wanted to be. Even if I never remembered him. Because love, just like what I’d realised on that night under the winter moonlight, was letting it go. It was sacrificing it all for the person you love and trusting him or her. No matter how much it hurt or how doubtful we were. Because we should let go, and trust the person who made us do it._

I gasped. That was it. That was the final piece of the puzzle that I’d been trying to put together since I woke up. The one night that had been missing, the one I’d finally, finally found. “Oh, my God.”

“You got it?” Josef asked hopefully.

“Let him,” I whispered. “I let him love me. I trusted him. I gave my everything to him…even though I didn’t love myself, I let him love me. That’s how…that’s how I loved him.”

“See?” he smiled triumphantly. “That’s it. Now the question is…are you going to let him love you now?”

“Oh, Josef,” I sobbed. “I love him. I love Toni. I never admitted it, because I didn’t know why. But now I don’t need to know why. I just do. I just want him to be happy.”

“And happy is what he will be if you go back to him,” he said.

“Yes,” I gasped, overwhelmed by the truckload of emotions that had suddenly emptied all over me. “Let him. I’m going to let him. Because I love him.”

“Finally!” Louise stood up and clapped her hands excitedly. I realised she’d been uncharacteristically quiet during the entire thing. “Josef, I wasn’t wrong when I said you were wise.”

“Thank you,” he smiled proudly.

I turned to him again. “I knew that. You just made me re-know something I already knew. I can’t believe this.”

“You and Toni were something special,” he squeezed my shoulder gently. “I mean, from what I saw in the time that you were in Cologne. I knew you guys were something special. And I always wanted to apologise to you for what I did, trying to break you two up. I’m really sorry, Gabriele.”

“This is the best apology ever,” I whispered. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

“Hey, don’t cry, okay?” he reached over to the table, grabbed a tissue, and handed it to me. “Everything is going to be okay.”

“Do you think he still wants me?”

Josef and Louise rolled their eyes together, at once, in the same instant. “DUH!” they yelled.

“Okay, okay,” I rolled my eyes back at them. “I should call him…right?”

They nodded, so I picked up my phone and dialled Toni’s number. Tentatively, I put it to my ear, listening as it connected and started ringing. It rang and rang. It continued ringing for what seemed like forever. It rang until it automatically disconnected, leaving me hanging.

I put down the phone slowly, tears falling out of my eyes again. “He didn’t pick up,” I whispered in despair.

I felt Louise and Josef glance at each other, and then at me. “It’s okay, I’m sure he’s just busy,” Louise said. “Maybe you should try later.”

I stared at the phone, at the screen with Toni’s number on it. Suddenly, I really wanted this to work. I really wanted him. And even if he didn’t want me back, it wouldn’t matter, because at the end of the day, it would have hurt more if I hadn’t tried to get him back.

“I’m going back,” I stood up and walked briskly into my room. “I’m going to Munich.”

“You go, girl!” Louise clapped her hands again. “I’ll help you apply for leave. Just let me know how long.”

In no time at all, I had my basic things packed in a small backpack, and I was heading home. Home, whether it was my childhood home or Toni’s arms, was still home. Louise and Josef stood at the door as I put on my shoes and coat and stepped out into the cold London street.

“Thank you,” I said to the both of them. “Really, thank you so much. I don’t know what I’d have done without you…maybe cry until my eyes fall out.”

Louise laughed. “Good luck, Gabi. Call me, tell me whether he’s being a little shit or not.”

“Thank you,” I smiled. I turned to Josef, who was just standing there, smiling slightly, not sure if I’d really forgiven him or not. “Thank you, Josef. I guess we can be friends.”

He laughed in relief. “Thank goodness. All the best, okay? I’ll be waiting for the good news.”

Much to his surprise, I leaned over and hugged him. “This is so ironic, you helping me get back with Toni, but it was so awesome. Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome, Gabriele,” he patted my back gently. “I’ll send you a wedding invitation, okay? Maybe one day you’ll send me yours.”

I giggled. “Okay.”

That was if Toni still wanted me.

Toni’s POV

Finally, I was home. I went straight to my room and grabbed my phone; I’d forgotten to bring it to the team meeting, and to make it worse, Basti, Javi and Mario dragged me out for dinner afterwards.

There was one missed call. That was it. Just one missed call. No texts, no nothing. One missed call.

From Gabi.

I checked the time – it was almost four hours ago. Damn it! I almost dropped the phone as I tried to dial her number. With shaking hands, I put the phone to my ear.

“The user you are trying to reach is currently unavailable. Please try again later,” the robotic lady voice pierced through my ears and my heart and every other part of my body.

“Fuck,” I muttered as I lay back on the bed. It felt like forever since I last heard Gabi’s voice. And I missed her. I missed her so much. Amelie kept trying to make me fly over to get her back, but I’d always refused. Perhaps football was the perfect excuse.

I never called her, because I was afraid. I was afraid she was angry with me. I was afraid that we would never return to the way we were. I was so afraid, because I never knew what exactly it was that she felt.

I closed my eyes and drifted off into a hot, sticky, disturbed sleep, filled with images of Gabi and her beautiful smile, her stunning blue eyes, and her soft long ash brown hair flowing with the wind; but also Gabi and her look of despair when she woke up in the same bed as me, her tears, her fading silhouette as she walked away from me for the last time, and her last look, her last painful gaze at me before she disappeared from my life.

Gabi’s POV

I stepped out of the jewellery store at the Munich airport with a big grin on my face, although I was really nervous. With shaking hands, I held on tightly to my Toni and Gabi necklace, now with two new additions. I waited impatiently until it was my turn in the taxi queue, and then I was on my way home.

The journey seemed to take no time at all, especially since I was still consolidating everything I wanted to say to Toni. I stepped out into the wet and cool Munich street on my side of the road, and stood there as the taxi splashed away and left me in the quiet moonlight.

I gazed over at Toni’s house, all the windows completely dark and not a soul or animal in sight on the street outside. I saw a sliver of movement in the window, but I dismissed it as my imagination, given the foggy night and my tired eyes.

With the necklace in one hand and one of the many photographs of us in the other, I took my first determined step towards his house, never taking my eyes off his front door, wondering what the expression on his face would be when he saw me standing on the other side of that door.

I lifted the photograph and looked at it again. It was the one we’d taken with Julius and Lennox right after we bought them and brought them home. Our babies. Distractedly, I wondered how they were doing. I was more interested in Toni.

I stopped and ran my finger down his face. “I love you,” I whispered, and right then I knew it was true. It was right for me to come back here. I looked up again and smiled. “I’m back,” I whispered to no one in particular. “I’m back, and I love you.”

Suddenly, a slight yellow hue was cast over the photograph and my hands. And it became brighter. I looked up and in front; Toni’s windows were still dark. Where was the light coming from?

I turned to my left. From behind the fog was a pair of yellow lights. Approaching slowly but gaining speed.

A car.

I froze. A sense of complete déjà vu overcame me with a shiver. Again, it was just a few seconds which felt like forever. The last time this scene happened in front of me, I was with Toni, and I was pushing him away. I was scared. I was so scared. But I wasn’t as scared as I was on this day. I wanted to tell Toni I loved him.  _I had to_. I turned back in front to check his windows, but they were still unlit, so I turned back.

_Please, not again._

It was close. Oh, it was so close. I willed my legs to move, but they wouldn’t cooperate.  _Oh, please_ , I thought as I stood there, still frozen, gripping on to the necklace and the photograph for dear life. It was so close that it almost bathed me completely in its yellow lights, faded a little by the fog that shielded me from the driver’s view. It was so close, I felt my body vibrate with its engines.

Move. I had to move.  _Please,_  I begged my legs again.  _Please move._  But again, I failed.

I clutched the photograph so hard it went all crumpled. I held the necklace tightly in my fist, knowing that it symbolised us. Knowing that if I were to perish here on this night, he would know why I came back, once he saw this necklace.

In those last moments, only one thought ran repeatedly through my mind, like a mantra.

_If I’m never going to see you again, please know that I love you. I love you. I came back to tell you I love you. I love you, Toni. I will always love you. I came back to tell you I love you._


	40. Luminescent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hi to anyone who is reading, this is the end of part 1 but I will continue to upload part 2. I hope you're enjoying it!
> 
> The songs accompanying this chapter are Charlie Brown by Coldplay and The Mortician's Daughter by Black Veil Brides.

Gabi’s POV

Paralysed. I was completely paralysed, not being able to do anything except stare at the approaching yellow spots, now so close to me that I could feel the heat from the car, warming me in the cold winter night, but not the warmness that I wanted to feel.

Oh, why didn’t I listen to my subconscious? I’ve always loved Toni. I just never wanted to see it, because I never knew how. All the emotions I felt whenever I saw him; all the joy that came with his presence; all the times I tried not to hurt him by not saying I loved him when I didn’t know if I really, genuinely did; all the weight Louise told me I’d lost since I’d met her; all the evenings spent kicking the ball around at the park; all the times I tried to stop my hand from drifting over to his arm, but found it there all the same, craving his touch, his care, and his concern; all the times I wanted him there, I just wanted him by my side. All those things, all those signs, and I never took them. And now it was too late.

I squeezed my eyes shut and braced myself.  _I love you, Toni._

Toni’s POV

“GABI!!!” I screamed. It wasn’t even yelling anymore. It was all-out screaming. No, this couldn’t be happening.

She was cold. Freezing. “Why are you so cold?” I sobbed, taking her in my arms and hugging her tightly. “Please, Gabi. I’ll keep you warm. I’ll keep you warm for the rest of my life. I’m sorry. Gabi, please wake up.”

She didn’t move. She didn’t move a single muscle no matter how loud I yelled or how hard I shook her.

“No, no, no, no, no!” I ran my hand down her beautiful long hair. It was matted with blood. “Gabi, you can’t do this to me. You can’t do this to me, you hear me, Gabriele?! You can’t! Not again!”

I hugged her close to me. “Please,” I begged. “Please, no. Gabi, I’m so sorry. Please come back. I’m so sorry. I love you so much. Please…come back…I didn’t even get to say goodbye…and I love you. I love you, Gabriele.”

I looked around – it was dark. Everything was dark. And now my life, too, was dark, without my precious, precious Gabriele. My sunshine, the light of my life, my favourite person in the entire world.

I felt something warm against my side, and my hopes lifted, only to feel Lennox’s wet tongue on my cheek. He licked me repeatedly, as if he was trying to dry my tears. He looked at me with anxious, sad eyes.

“Stop it!” I yelled at him, but he continued licking. “She’s gone. She won’t ever come back. Don’t…don’t look at me like that…or at her. Don’t…Lennox. She’s gone.”

I held her face close to me and kissed her forehead.

“My Gabi is gone.”

Gabi’s POV

I was flying…flying higher and higher…and then down lower…what?  _Oh, maybe I’m going to hell for all the hurt I inflicted on Toni._

With my eyes still closed, I reached my destination…wherever it was. It was soft.  _Oh, hell is rather comfortable._

I relaxed, my body going slack and resting on the comfortable bed – or whatever it was that they slept on in hell. I didn’t want to open my eyes, because then it would be real. I would be dead, and I would have never told Toni that I love him.

I held on tightly to the necklace and the photograph, and I drifted…drifted further and further…until whatever was below me suddenly moved and wrapped itself around me comfortably.

“Hey,” a familiar voice whispered. “Gabi, you okay?”

Toni’s POV

Her head snapped up and her eyes shot open. “What are you doing here?” she asked in barely a whisper.

“This is  _my_  driveway,” I whispered back. “It leads to  _my_  house.”

She lifted her head further and looked around. Her eyes softened as she took in the familiar surroundings and tears started falling out of them. “Oh, my God,” she collapsed back on to me. “I thought you were dead, too.”

I stroked her hair gently. “I’ve got you. One time was enough. I’m never going to let that happen ever again.”

“I thought I was going to die,” she whispered. “I thought…I…you…”

“Shhh,” I continued stroking her hair. “You’re okay now.”

“You caught me,” she whimpered.

“Yes, I caught you,” I smoothened her hair. “Please don’t cry.”

“You saved me,” she mumbled. “Oh, Toni.”

She sobbed softly into my shirt for a few moments, moving her arms and legs more tightly around me as I lay there below her, holding her shaking body. I could barely believe my eyes when I awoke only to see her standing in the middle of the road, just standing there and staring over at my window, and I made a mental note to give Lennox a treat for licking me awake. He missed Gabi, so it was expected that he’d bolted into my room the moment he saw her outside. Of course he missed Gabi – hell,  _I_  missed Gabi. And here she was, in my arms, safe and sound. I thanked Lady Luck, or whatever divine being that gave us this luck; this pure luck that Lennox had woken me up in the midst of my horrible, yet almost creepily accurate dream, and that I’d gotten to Gabi in the nick of time.

“You okay?” I asked after a while. “Why are you here?”

She rested her forearms on my chest and propped herself up to gaze at me, her eyes searching my face. Slowly, a beautiful smile spread across her face as she put the back of her hands on my cheeks and stroked them gently, warming them.

“I had this entire speech planned out for you,” she whispered. “But then that happened, and I forgot what I wanted to say.”

“Well, this isn’t the first time you’ve forgotten something,” I teased. It was funny how I could feel so at ease with her, even though the last time we met had been four months ago.

“I remember one thing, though.”

“What is it?”

Her smile grew bigger as she tucked the things that were in her hands into her jacket pocket, freeing them to stroke my cheeks again, this time with her palms.

“I love you,” she whispered.

“You do?” I squeaked, even though I knew it was true; it was written all over her glittering blue eyes, piercing through me again, but this time in the most magical way possible. Gabi always wore her emotions on her face. She was finally saying it, and she was finally meaning it. A glorious feeling swept across my entire body.

“I do,” she said, tears falling down her face again. “Oh, I love you so much.”

“Gabi,” I whispered, pressing her face into my chest, not caring about her tears staining my sweatshirt. “I love you, too.”

“I thought you didn’t want me anymore,” she sobbed. “I called you…I called and you didn’t pick up. So I came back…and then…the car…I thought…”

“Shhh,” I whispered. Oh, Gabriele, why would I ever not want you? “I’m here now. I’m sorry. I left my phone at home.”

“I’m sorry,” she whimpered. “I’m sorry I never called you. I missed you, Toni. I love you so much.”

“I’m sorry, too,” I told her. “I thought you were angry. That’s why I didn’t call. I’m sorry, Gabi baby.”

She giggled through her tears. “Call me Gabi baby again.”

“Gabi baby.”

She giggled again. Oh, what a wonderful sound. “Toni baby,” she whispered.

“Thank you for coming back,” I said.

“Thank you for waiting,” she smiled. “And thank you for saving me.”

“You saved me once,” I lifted her head and tucked her hair behind her ear. “Now we’re quits.”

“At least you weren’t dumb enough to hit your head and forget everything,” she laughed.

“Do you…uh, wanna get up?” I asked as I realised we were still lying there on the cold hard ground, her body on top of mine, her legs straddling my body.

“Do you want me to get up?” she whispered, a mischievous glint in her eyes.

“Honestly?”

“I believe you’ve never lied to me, so don’t start now.”

“Okay,” I grinned. “No, I don’t want you to get up. I like this view.”

She closed her eyes, leaned her head on my chest and smiled blissfully. “You’re very comfortable.”

“I love you, Gabi,” I whispered. It was so liberating, to be able to say it and not fear her response (or lack thereof). I wanted to scream so loudly that the entire neighbourhood woke up and Felix could hear me from Bremen. I wanted to jump around like a maniac. But I had Gabi on top of me, so I didn’t do any of those. Instead, I wrapped my arms more tightly around her and pulled her closer to me.

“I love you more,” she whispered back. “You believe me, right?”

“Of course,” I said. I knew, I just knew that this time she wasn’t just lying to make me happy – she had no reason to do so, and there was no way she’d come back here just to do that. She was my Gabi, my precious, beautiful Gabi, and she was back for me.

I turned my gaze from the top of her head to the sky. The fog had cleared significantly and the moon was shining brightly down on us – an enormous winter moon.

“Hey,” I called. “Gabi, look at the moon.”

She rolled off me so we lying side-by-side, my arm under her head as a cushion. She gasped softly when she saw the moon. “Oh, my God,” she whispered, turning and burying her face into my shoulder, sobbing silently. “The moon.”

“What’s wrong?” I sat up and pulled her along, wrapping my arms around her. “Don’t cry, Gabi. I love you so much.”

“The moon,” she repeated. “I…you…the moon.”

“It’s really beautiful,” I kissed her hair. “Just like you.”

For some reason, that made her cry even harder.

“Are you saying I’m as round as the moon?” she choked.

And then, right then, it hit me. That was the exact conversation we had the last time we saw a winter moon like this one; the night when I didn’t give two hoots about the cold because Gabi made me so warm inside, warmer than the comfort of any blanket. When I didn’t care about how tired I was because I’d rather stay awake; because the reality of being with Gabi was infinitely better than any good dream I could ever have. The night when I realised I’d probably do anything, anything at all for Gabi. Because loving her, that beautiful girl, was the best, happiest, most magical, most glorious feeling in the entire universe.

I lifted her face and wiped her tears with my thumbs. “No, I’m saying you’re as beautiful as the moon.”

She smiled her beautiful, shy smile, even though her face was still glistening with tears under the moonlight. Suddenly, she climbed onto my lap again and wrapped her arms tightly around me. “I’m sorry,” she sobbed into my neck. “I’m so sorry I made you wait so long.”

“Shhhh,” I whispered into her hair. “I love you. I’d wait forever.”

“I’m so sorry,” she whimpered. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

“You didn’t,” I assured her, stroking her back gently, desperately trying to make her feel better; because despite all that we’d been through, she’d never once hurt me intentionally.

“I’m never going to leave you again,” she mumbled.

“I’m never going to  _let you_  leave me again,” I replied.

She pulled away and leaned her head on mine. “I love you so much, Toni,” she said, her face so close to mine that she was blowing hot air all over it. “I love you. I’m sorry I took so long to see it. I’m sorry I promised you that I wouldn’t leave you, but I did, and I…I’m sorry I walked away from you at the hotel. I…there’s no one I’d rather be with…I…Toni…” she closed her eyes as her voice petered into a whisper.

“Shhh, you don’t have to say anything,” I put my hands on her cheeks. “I know. I understand. I love you, Gabriele. Nothing will ever change that.”

“It’s just…I want you to be happy, okay? I want you to be happy…and I realised that that would only be possible if I came back to you. And then I realised…that would make me happy, too. And…oh, Toni. This is so perfect. Us. We’re perfect.”

“ _You’re_  perfect,” I poked her on the nose.

She giggled. “Can I kiss you?” she whispered.

“Seriously? Did you seriously just ask me that?”

She pouted, and to be honest that just made her already kissable lips even more kissable. I laughed and leaned in to kiss her, to finally kiss her lips again and to finally feel her kiss me back and mean it; to know that  _she knew_  that she meant it. They were soft from all her crying, but oh, they tasted just like her, just like the old Gabriele, my Gabriele; the Gabriele I knew and loved, and the Gabriele I would always know and love.

Gabi’s POV

No other kiss had ever felt as real, and as magical, as that kiss I shared with Toni on that night. Because I finally knew what those feelings that coursed through my veins represented, and I didn’t have to hide from them anymore. I wound my hands in his messy blonde hair and pulled him closer to me, and I felt him smile against my lips as he did the same with his hands on my waist. The night was cold, and the ground was hard, but in that moment, all I felt was the warmness of Toni’s love for me.

He loved me. That beautiful, talented boy loved  _me_  – an emotional, sensitive girl with nothing much to give. And for the first time since I woke up and restarted my life more than a year ago, I didn’t need or want to know why.

I gave a contented sigh as I pulled away and gazed at his gorgeous seawater eyes, now filled with amazement and disbelief; and the deepest look of affection. Yes – this was where I belonged. This was where I wanted to be.

“Stop crying now, okay?” he asked, stroking my cheeks gently. “You’re all wet and sticky.”

“I thought you liked me wet and sticky,” I whispered suggestively.

“Gabi!” he gaped at me in horror. “You have such a dirty mouth.”

I giggled. “I thought you liked my dirty mouth.”

He shook his head in resignation. “I love your dirty mouth.”

“And I love yours,” I smiled, leaning in for another lingering kiss.

“You’ve lost so much weight,” he noted sadly as he pulled away, as if it was all his fault. He raised a hand and pinched my cheek gently. “You’re so thin.”

I put my hand on his, the one on my cheek. “You can feed me for the rest of my life,” I whispered.

“I will,” he promised, planting a soft kiss on my nose, and then burying his face in my neck. “Oh, Gabriele, I love you so much. I dreamt…I dreamt that you were gone. Forever. And you wouldn’t wake up, no matter how loudly I called you. I…I’m so happy you’re here. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Toni,” I ran my hand through his hair. “I’m here now. I’ll always be here with you. I’m sorry about your dream.”

He laughed softly. “I guess we still have that  _connection_.”

“Yeah, we do,” I smiled. “Of course.”

“Why did you suddenly decide to come back?” he suddenly asked. “I mean, not that I mind.”

“Uh, I…” I squirmed around in his lap, not sure if he’d want to hear my reasons.

“What is it?” his brow creased with worry as he pulled his face out of my neck.

“I met Josef this afternoon,” I said in a tiny voice.

His entire body went stiff as he stared at me, the look of horror returning to his face. I watched as his expression slowly turned to one of anger. He opened his mouth to say something, and then closed it again. He was too shocked for words, I guessed.

“Baby, I –“ I started.

“What did he do to you?” he asked loudly, grabbing my shoulders and examining me as thoroughly as he could from our sitting position. “Did he do anything to you?”

“No, it’s not like that,” I pushed his hands off my shoulders and held them in mine. “He helped me. He made me want to come back.”

“Oh,” he whispered, his shoulders relaxing. He glanced at me warily. “Are you sure he didn’t do anything to you? If he even touched one strand of your hair, I swear I’ll –“

“No, shhh,” I put a finger on his lips. And then, because the look on his face was so different from the gentle Toni I was used to, I burst out laughing.

“What?” he demanded. “Why are you laughing?”

“You’re cute when you’re angry.”

He poked me in the ribs. “Only when I’m angry?”

“Yes,” I giggled, and he started tickling me harder. “Okay, you’re always cute!”

“So what did Josef do?” finally contented, he grabbed me and put me on his lap again. I distractedly wondered if his legs were going numb, but I liked the position we were in, so I didn’t really care.

I told him about how Josef was Louise’s cousin, and that I got home only to see him sitting on our couch, and it was almost the biggest shock of my life. And perhaps it was that shock that finally woke me up; the last time I saw Josef, Toni and I were at the happiest point of our relationship. It made me realise how much I missed him, and how much I wanted him by my side. And I told him about how I finally, finally remembered the last piece of the puzzle, the night when I realised what love truly was, and I realised that was exactly what I felt towards Toni. A night just like this one.

“I’ve always loved you more than anything else,” I whispered. “But when I woke…and when I remembered that we had been a couple…I didn’t know why. I kept finding the answers to why we loved each other that I missed out the more important point, which was the how. How we made each other feel. How we loved each other. And…he made me remember that. He’s engaged now, you know? He’s engaged to Eva. And he’s inviting us to the wedding. He’s so in love.

“When I remembered that night under the moon, just like tonight…it felt like everything fell into place. Like it was the final piece of the puzzle. Because that night all those years ago was when I realised how I was going to love you – by letting you love me.”

“Gabi,” he wrapped his arms tightly around me and pulled me close to him, burying his face in my hair. “I love you so much, Gabriele. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I smiled against his neck. “Also, Josef says he’s sorry.”

“He brought my girl back to me,” his voice was muffled by my hair. “I can’t believe this.”

I giggled. “Yeah, me neither.”

He pulled away and held me on both sides of my head, his fingers winding through my hair. “I guess we’re just meant to be together,” he whispered.

“We are,” I whispered back, feeling tears prick the back of my eyes again. I closed my eyes as they fell, and Toni used his thumbs to stop them. “I’m sorry I made you wait so long.”

He smiled, and placed his face near my ear. “If you go five sentences without saying ‘I’m sorry,’ I’ll forgive you.”

“Hey, that’s my line!”

“It’s mine now,” he traced a line of kisses down the side of my neck. “Just like you.”

I tilted my head to the side so he could kiss me better. “Is your sun rising?” I whispered.

“Maybe,” he chuckled, sending warm air across my skin.

“Do you want the entire neighbourhood to hear and watch?”

He stopped. “Only  _I_  can hear and watch,” he said defensively.

Toni’s POV

“Yeah, only you,” she smiled, running her hands gently down my cheeks. “It has only ever been you, Toni.”

Those words were my undoing. I grabbed her head and pulled her close, hungrily pressing my lips on hers, savouring the taste, the feeling, every single moment. The euphoria I felt was unparalleled – not even by the time we shared our very first kiss, Gabi and I, under her window on the night of 26th September, 2007. She came back; my Gabi, my precious, beautiful Gabi, my favourite person in the entire world, she came back – and that, to me, meant much more than if she’d stayed.

She gave a soft moan as I pushed my tongue into her mouth, and then – as if she’d read my mind and knew that if we went any further, I would have stripped her and taken her right there on the driveway regardless of who was watching – she pulled away reluctantly.

“Wow,” she whispered, panting.

“Wow, indeed,” I grinned.

She didn’t say anything else; instead, she just sat there and gazed at me, her fingers gently stroking my cheeks. Her eyes were filled with adoration and relief, so much relief. I couldn’t tear my gaze away from hers, so we sat there immersed in each other’s eyes, seawater to aquamarine. Finally, she got up and pulled me along. After dusting herself off, she pulled me towards the backyard.

“Don’t you wanna go say hi to Amelie and your parents?” I asked.

She shook her head and smiled mysteriously. “They’ll make me stay in, and I wanna stay with you.”

“You’re so mean,” I teased.

She giggled and dragged me through the back door to grab a stack of blankets. Suddenly, she caught sight of one of my old footballs, which I occasionally used to kick around in the park with her. A childlike grin spread across her face as she ran over to it, picked it up, ran back to me and dragged me back out in front.

“I have to show you something,” she said excitedly, running up to the nearest bin and removing its lid before running back to my side. “Watch this!”

She threw the ball a few steps in front of her, and then she ran and kicked it, curling it beautifully right into the bin with an exquisite lob.

“Ta-da!” she spread her arms out and smiled at me proudly.

“Aww, good job baby,” I started clapping, remembering our very first “date” at the park, where she tried and tried to lob the ball into the bin but never succeeded.

“I’ve been practicing,” she explained, the look of pride still on her face, before it slowly faded, as did her voice. “I didn’t even know I’d been practicing…I guess my subconscious always knew I loved you. And I didn’t…I…I took so long.”

“Hey,” I grasped her chin and gently turned her towards me. “It’s okay. You’re back now, and I can’t be any happier. I wouldn’t want it any other way, as long as I have you.”

She leaned over and kissed me again, a soft, sweet kiss. “I love you,” she whispered.

“I love you, too, Gabi. Don’t you ever forget that. Again.”

She smiled, retrieved the ball and grabbed the pile of blankets, and then she dragged me to the backyard and set up a little comfy blanket pool for the both of us. We took off our shoes and lay back in it, using her jacket as a pillow.

“Does it bother you?” she suddenly asked. “That I had to leave before I realised that I love you?”

“No,” I said almost immediately, because it was the truth, and I’d been thinking of it earlier. “Because you came back, Gabi. That means so much more to me than you can ever imagine. People come and people go, but to me…it’s not who stays that matters. It’s who comes back, despite their busy lives or their dreams or their whatever. It’s who comes back. Because it means that you could live without me if you wanted…but you would rather be with me. That you would rather come back to find me rather than live your own life. It’s the coming back, Gabi.”

She smiled, and used her hands to cover her face and the tears that were falling from her eyes again. “You’re still so smooth. You still make everything okay.”

“Because you let me,” I leaned over, removed her hands and kissed her tears.

She sighed, contented, and leaned her head on my shoulder. I was still in my Bayern tracksuit which I’d fallen asleep in earlier, and she was all dirty and tired from her travelling, but I put my arm around her and pulled her close, because no matter how Gabi looked or smelled, she was still my beautiful Gabriele.

We just lay there silently, savouring the feeling of finally being in each other’s arms again. It felt like I was truly home, that the home I’d been in for the past few months hadn’t been complete. It felt like my life was finally complete again, on this night with this large full moon, reliving the night that happened so many years ago, but still meant so much to me. I closed my eyes, almost drifting away to sleep, when suddenly Gabi reached beneath our heads and pulled out something from her jacket pocket.

“Look at this,” she whispered, holding it upwards so that it glittered under the light of the enormous moon.

It was the necklace. The Toni and Gabi necklace that I’d given her on our first anniversary.

“You kept it,” I whispered.

“I added something on it,” she replied, grabbing my hand and putting the necklace in it. I looked closer and saw that it was a lock and key; a lock beside the G, and a key beside the T.

“Oh, Gabi,” I could barely find my voice anymore.

“It has always been you,” she leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. “It will  _always_  be you. You’ll always have the key to my heart. The only key. And it has always been you adding things onto this necklace. Now it’s my turn. Because I love you, too.”

I smiled and sat her up, sweeping her hair aside so I could put on the necklace for her. “It’s beautiful,” I said, patting it, listening to the charms tinkle softly. “A beautiful necklace for a beautiful girl.”

“Given to her by a beautiful boy,” she kissed me on the cheek before making the both of us lie back down again. She slid out a photograph from her jacket and handed it to me. “Look at our happy family,” she whispered.

It was a photograph of us and the beagles. It was a little crumpled, but it was mesmerising nonetheless – just like any other photo I’d ever taken with Gabi.

As if on cue, there were sounds of leaves rustling and the soft patter of footsteps on grass, before our bodies were suddenly bathed by the warmness of Julius and Lennox.

“Hey,” Gabi squeezed her eyes shut and smiled as they started licking her face excitedly. “Hi, babies. Have you been good to daddy?”

I laughed. “They’ve missed you.”

“And I’ve missed them,” she gazed at them lovingly as they were finally contented and lay down on our stomachs – Julius on mine, Lennox on hers. Oh Lennox. If only you knew you saved her life. “See? Happy family,” she smiled, as contented as the dogs.

She tucked her head into the crook of my neck again and sighed blissfully. “Good night, Toni baby. I love you.”

“I love you, too. Good night, Gabi baby.”

I couldn’t sleep now – I was too warm, warm with Julius’ belly, the blankets, and my tracksuit, warm with the body heat of my Gabriele; but most of all, warm with the deep, indescribable, irreplaceable, inerasable love I held for her and she held for me.

“Thank you, Gabriele,” I whispered, in case she was already asleep.

“For what?” she mumbled sleepily.

I tilted my head downwards to look at her – her beautiful blue eyes now closed and her soft lips curled up slightly in a peaceful smile; her ash brown hair falling and framing her face perfectly; her hand resting on my chest protectively, as if she wanted me by her side forever and always. I leaned over a little more and kissed her gently on her temple.

“For letting me love you.”


End file.
